19 year old coming in all hours AIBU

[Crazylou1981]

Hi,

i have a 23 and 19 year old who live at home with my partner and his children 12 &14.
my 23 year doesn’t really go out more of a gamer which results in needing him to be asked to be quiet. He is meant to be off at midnight. I have hammered down on this recently

my other child is refusing to come home at 11 in the week as he needs to be out with his friends. This can be any time between midnight and 4am. They are not always the quietest either by banging doors or cooking. He lives 50/50 between me and their dad. The lateness has worsened since passing their test and dad buying a car. Dad and I are no contact due to Domestic abuse.

Aibu to ask for him to be home at 11pm Sunday-Thursday.

regards,

crazy

Perfect.

I have 'kids' this age at home. They still have to live under basic house rules. That's not many but the main one is that my sleep is not to be disturbed. They will not invite overnight guests without passing it by me first. That sort of thing. They either live here free or pay a token amount towards expenses, so they are not equal in the way a room mate would be. If they want a free for all they can get their own place. Otherwise they are not negatively affecting my living space. It can't be that awful as they say they like living at home and have no wish to move out.

You can ask them to move out of they are being noisy and waking the household up. They are adults and as such they have a choice, be quite either when coming in or gaming, or find somewhere else to sleep/game

This^

nobody goes NC with parents because they refused to put up with them waking the household up at 3am multiple tines per week.

YABU (unless you have repeatedly asked for quiet past a certain time, and they’ve carried on making a racket).

DD18 is also a gamer but will ask if it’s okay for her to be chatting to friends past a certain time (weekends). She is done by 12 on weekdays because we all have to be up early!

DS17 often goes out until the wee hours driving with friends… but is incredibly quiet when he returns at somewhere between 12 and 2am.

DS20… has now been told to stay out when he goes out due to repeatedly changing his mind about staying at a mates house and trying to come home and get into the (locked and alarmed) house at 4am, setting the alarm off and waking everyone up. He was asked many times to text before 11pm (when we go to bed) to tell us if he’s coming home so we can leave the alarm off and the key out of the lock. He never bothered, so he lost that privilege.

It’s not unreasonable to expect courtesy and consideration, but it’s unreasonable to outright ban normal behaviour without a good reason!

It's unreasonable of both of them to be banging around in the small hours when other people have got to be at work in the morning. I'm not sure that a curfew is justified or even enforceable, but an awareness of others in the house (and the neighbours, if attached) is definitely needed.
Out of interest, do your children work?

Of course you can, your roof- your rules.

Exactly. One of mine suggested they should be an equal adult. I told them that was fine but then they had to pay an equal share of all the bills. So I gave them the option of equal say for equal share in the bills. Never heard that from them again.

11pm?! We used to get to the clubs at 10pm.

YANBU to ask them to be quiet but YABU to impose a curfew.

You are reasonable and sensible.
You live with children.
The older ones are adults and can move out to share houses with friends if they want to be gaming and coming home after 11:00 pm. on week nights. I would also put the curfew (for being home and for ceasing gaming) at 1:00 am for Saturday and Sunday.
It's madness to accept noise and disruption to sleep.
Give them three chances each and if they continue not repecting your rules have a serious discussion about where they should be living.
I would expect older children to happily comply and meet your curfews with good manners, Op.

They live under your roof, so your rules apply. If they don't like the rules they can move out

I don't tell my 21 and 23 year old what to do

But I would be annoyed if they woke me

Surely if they woke you a lot you'd be telling them what to do?

You cannot possibly expect to tell an adult what time they have to be home or what time they have to stop gaming. It's absurd. Obviously they should try to be quiet, but that's all.

Any adult who lives in my house will not be living in my house any longer if they 'try to be quiet' and fail to be quiet. Especially when having that adult in my house is costing me a lot.

Unpandered to so go NC? They are doing their parents a very big favor.

Apparently you are not supposed to tell people what time they can come into your home and how much noise they make. However I don't think there are any rules about what time you are allowed to bolt your doors or switch off the Internet.

All this "your house your rules" can only really apply to what is happening inside the house. You can't police when an adult comes home or if they're in bed by a certain time but you certainly can demand they respect the rest of the family by shutting up. This is the battle to have because it's the result you want. Don't micro manage them because at 19 and 23, you won't win.

Most people would have no wish to police these things but you bet I'll police them and make rules about times coming in if I'm getting woken up too often during the wee small hours. My sleep and health are important. Adults who want free reign need to get their own place to make their own rules at.

Wtf are they doing during their days that they're habitually staying up past midnight - as late as 4am - during the week? Do they need to get jobs, maybe?

It's the noise side rather than the actual precise time that really is the issue. Could you tell them they have to pay a fine if they wake anyone up or disturb anyone late at night. Do they work? Pay board? I'd hope at the very least they pay for and cook their own meals. If he refuses to comply would you be OK with him saying he wants to be at his dad's 100% of the time?

These threads are always unhinged. The "your house, your rules" brigade don't answer the question. Of course a curfew on grown adults is ridiculous. Yes OP is entitled to do it, and the offspring have the option to vote with their feet, but that doesn't make putting them in that position reasonable. Its sledge hammer to crack a nut stuff unless they have some kind of health condition where they are literally incapable of managing their own actions.

You need to scrap all these stupid rules that treats grown men like children but insist that they respect the house and night time hours.

If DS1 wants to game all night he needs to dim lights, wear headphones and take all reasonable steps to make sure he isn't keeping the rest of the family up.

If DS2 wants to come home late, then he needs to minimise noise, not stink up the house with cooking, not bring friends in and be respectful of those sleeping who presumably have work in the morning.

If they can't do that, then its time to start asking them to find alternative living arrangements. If their mornings, work or whatever is affected by them keeping odd hours, its their look out.

As an aside, do they contribute to the household financially? With the hours they keep I find it hard to believe they manage to hold down jobs!?!?!

@ForestBather I'd say that they woke me and ask them to be quieter. They are adults. I treat them like adults.

I suspect this HAS occurred to the OP,that she's told them this MANY times and they've taken no notice.

What do you suggest she does next, given her words have not worked?