To consider having a baby at 44

[littleloopylou]

I already have one child whom I love dearly. She desperately wants a sibling.

My partner and I met late in life.

We are financially secure.

I am aware it might not be possible.

@ludocris · Today 15:40

I have to say, some of the people saying they couldn't bear the thought of having a late teen/young adult still at home when they're in their 50s and 60s will probably be posting about how depressed they are due to empty nest syndrome when that time comes...

NOPE. Sorry to disappoint you. Why on earth would anyone who had children before they were 40 be 'depressed' when their children leave home? Weird thing to say.... Mine have been gone 6-7 years now. No 'depression' here.

When they went to uni I missed them for about the first 5-6 months. It was quite a wrench after having them 18 years. That is natural. But the feeling went, and I still saw them/see them regularly. I don't need to have them staying with me forevermore, to stop the 'empty nest syndrome' 😆

They are independent feisty intelligent successful young people, who have made their own way in life. And I am not some mother who lives only for her children. I adore and love them and would do anything for them, but my life doesn't revolve around my ADULT children. It looks like yours might though, from what you are saying.

It will also be much harder on a person, when the children leave home, if said person has them in their mid 40s, as they will probably be in their 70s when the children leave home. At this point, they may well have become dependent on the children to help them with their day to day life, and the (now adult) children could possibly be their carer etc. Much easier to have your children leave home when you're 48-50, than in your 70s! (IMHO.)

We had a surprise baby, I'm 42, he's 49!

We split up because I kept her.... but we're on track to establishing a really positive co-parenting relationship now. Very early days though.

I kept the pregnancy on the basis that he would be absent but his feelings changed so we're doing it together.

My little one is here now but it's hard work..... but you get so much back. The only thing I can say though... is that being financially astute, something we wasn't when we had our other children has made a huge difference.

My little one is perfect x my sister in law has just given birth at 45 and he's perfect too. You will be told that there are a lot of risks but there is also a lot of support and testing.

I'm increasingly feeling that maybe we should go for it.

Perhaps you should do a search for 'empty nest syndrome' and see how many threads come up before deciding it's a 'weird thing' to say. I can only assume you've never heard of the concept before.

Maybe you could 'let nature decide'? Not make a big deal of trying but not prevent it either.

Go for it. I am 43 and have a one year old. Actually I would go again, but my babies are ivf babies and that journey has cost 100k and totally ruined my body with cycles and loses. I cannot face more of that. Well not yet anyway!

But if you want one, I think you do not regret trying.

My children have moved out and im not depressed im having a whale of a time.
So pleased i had them when i did.
Im still young.
Some people my age are have their first baby and im all done.
No way would i have one at 44.

Absolutely not. DHs mum was 40 when she had him and he said it was no fun having an old mum.

think of that child at your age having an older mum.

and think of that child if it were disabled. The care it needed and you die, who would look after it?

It's just the odds of having a healthy child. When I was 36 the odds of having a child with a chromosomal defect was 1 in 25,000. When I was 38 it was 1 in 250. I did have one pregnancy which died in the womb from Pataus (similar to Downs but with no prospect of survival more than 3 months after birth). In the end I did have 2 healthy children after another miscarriage.

Do the research and consider the odds and what you would do if you have a child with special needs.

But your DH is, obviously, a lot older and of a different generation than someone born now. Women are having babies later. My mum was 33 when she had me in the early 80s - she felt ancient, was referred to as elderly primigravida, felt judged for her age. Nowadays she would be completely average.

40 is not an 'old mum' now. It's a bit older than average, but no-one would bat an eyelid at a 40 year old having a baby. Especially if it's not their first.

I don't know anyone who chose to have a baby before 30, and most were 35+.

Gotta jump back on to this post!

All this older mum bashing is utterly ridiculous! I had a child in my teens and I was a minority then..... I've now had a baby at 42! Toddler group is full of mums aged 25-45, it's an eclectic age range.

I also teach year 1/2.... most of my parents are 35+. Women are choosing their careers over getting married and having babies now... also the role of the father has massively changed!

I actually feel a little sorry for my 25 year old son... because we grew up together. My little one will have the best of me! As an older parents we take amazing care of our health... no dirty doner kebabs in our lounge on a Saturday night 😂

I agree - and many of the posts are written as if we live 500 years ago and the average life expectancy is not much more than 45. Especially the PP who put 'who will look after your disabled child when you die' 😅

Sounded like a doomsayer from a plague-ridden 14th century Britain.

I had a "surprise" baby at 40. Fat, happy 3 month old DD now with a problem free pregnancy. If you have a good support system it's doable. I was more tired with that pregnancy though than I've ever been in my life. And I worry about not being around as long as a younger mother would for when dc are older. First ds was at 37 dd was at 40. She was a great gift, even in my "later years" so I would say go for it. Be prepared for all the "geriatric pregnancy" hoops to jump through and the comments. I understand the worry but ffs they act like they have to get the hoover ready for the puff of dust that's going to come out🙄

@littleloopylou

Sorry, what I mean is you're statistically less likely to carry the pregnancy to term. There's a very high chance of miscarriage or chromosomal abnormalities etc

Reviving this thread! These feelings aren't going away. I'm considering booking an appointment to have my IUD removed 😳

It's hard to describe how devoted to me this man is. I have absolutely no concern whatsoever that he would leave me. He has told his parents that being with me is more important to him than having children

Personally no I wouldn’t. I was post menopause by 46 anyway, periods stopped at 45 and i already have one child with SN .

I had my last two at 34 and 35, they’re now 17 and 18 and I’m older than most of their friend’s parents! It’s a personal thing though and in your situation there’s no reason not to. I just wouldn’t think about it for too long!

I had 2 in my early 30s and another at 40 because I felt like someone was missing. You have to do what's right for you

@Acornsoup did you have any regrets about having a baby in your 40s? (Even if it's the right choice overall!)

There's a big difference in fertility between 40 and 44 though. It's important to be realistic about this. If OP wants to give it a go then fine but the chance of her getting pregnant and staying pregnant are probably less than 1%. My friend was in the same boat, also aged 44 when she was trying so we were aware of all the stats. She wasn't successful.

Absolutely! It is dangerous nonsense to pretend that 44 is a perfectly normal age to get pregnant. A few of my friends tried in their 40s and none of them were successful - if you want to try OP then go for it but prepare yourself that your chances are significantly reduced once in your mid 40s.

These threads do pop up on a regular basis and it is important to note not just the lifestyle, family and energy issues but also the fertility and risk issues related to the chances of a healthy birth. The risks of unsuccessful attempts and of disability are of course scientifically much higher. Previous threads will have included all the data. And mothers should go into it with their eyes fully open about can cause a lot of heartache and distress.

Don't just listen to the doom merchants, it's not the full story and not a foregone conclusion. I have a 12 year old and 2 15 year olds at age 58.

They are thriving and happy. I am most definitely not "shattered" and I did all my "freedom" stuff when I was young enough to enjoy it. The pregnancies were straight forward.

I don't think people telling you that your fertility has dropped at 44 is particularly helpful. You know that anyway. This thread has come up again because I left a comment before. Just to reiterate, I had my sons at 41 and 45. No IVF or any other fertility assistance. I had straightforward pregnancies - just the usual nausea, acid reflux type stuff which was horrible, but not age related. Two quick labours and two uneventful deliveries. At 57, I won't say it's easy, but I have no regrets. None.

Not for a single minute.