To consider having a baby at 44

[littleloopylou]

I already have one child whom I love dearly. She desperately wants a sibling.

My partner and I met late in life.

We are financially secure.

I am aware it might not be possible.

I'm knackered at 31 with mine, if you think you can keep up with the demands of a young child (and I know 40s isnt old before anyone jumps down my throat!) And you don't mind having a teenager in your 50s I would say go for it!

Obviously the risks increase but pregnancy is risky anyway.

I've always thought you regret the things you don't do rather than regret the things you do!

I would start trying ASAP though ❤️

Friend regrets it. Twins and one has severe autism. Feels resentful as she only did it to trap a man, who left her anyway.

Well I mean, that was a ridiculous motive and incredibly selfish of her :(

Autism is definitely a concern of mine.

I am a bit bemused regarding the idea of baby trapping a man in one's 40s (or at all, really)????

What’s your health like generally? Would you both have fertility testing to see how things look? I had my second just before I turned 40, conceived easily but found it so so much more tiring than my first 4 years earlier. I hadn’t slept well since my eldest which didn’t help and was much achier, bp was very low, couldn’t walk for a couple of weeks at one point, crippling nausea for months which I didn’t have with DD. Things got better after having the baby and DS is a joy every day but we both feel quite a lot older since having him. I’ve visibly aged in the last year.

I was a step parent before having mine and can sympathise with your DP. It’s nothing at all like having your own. But he knew your ages when you got together so he’s hopefully realistic about the challenges. I don’t think ivf is an option at 44 so you need to have proper discussions about how long you’d try for, the risks of miscarriage (fucking awful experience if you haven’t been through it), the child having difficulties, the risks to your own health. I know you’ve thought about these things but have the two of you really gone through what it would all mean for your lives?

Autism is usually only likely if there’s a familial link - anyone in your or his immediate family autistic? Autism can also come with genetic conditions, and of course there is a higher risk of conditions such a Downs Syndrome with you both being older. I have two children with additional needs, there’s a lot of scaremongering and I won’t lie it’s hard work (I currently cannot work due to high level of needs) but it often seems worse to people looking in from the outside than day to day life actually is.

Personally I would check the risks of Down's syndrome, autism and other health issues based on both the woman's age and the man's age, and decide if you are willing to take the risk. Fine if you are, but I'd go into it with my eyes open.

Bearing the above in mind, I'd also think about whether you have support networks e.g. friends/family if either of you face health issues down the line, as presumably the grandparents will be too elderly to be much practical help as the child gets older.

Not saying I wouldn't go for it - after all everything in life has a risk attached! But I would consider the risks carefully and what you can put in place to mitigate them.

@LostTheMarble that's interesting - thank you. I suspect that I may be autistic and my half brother probably/possibly is. But we are both highly functional people and didn't cause many problems in our childhoods iyswim.

@AnneLovesGilbert I am healthy on the face of it - slim, rarely ill, etc. That said, my vein health is crap and I often feel lightheaded. I am also extremely anxious. I do worry what sort of toll pregnancy and the newborn years would take on me.

We would only try for a natural conception. I actually accidentally got pregnant last year and had a very stressful miscarriage experience.

’High functioning autism’ is an out of date term, it’s just autism. Every single person can be affected differently by the condition even if they don’t have high needs/learning disabilities. My children’s father has autism that evidently went undetected during childhood as despite awful bullying ‘managed just fine’. Has a good job now (though absolutely heading for a burnout, can see it happening in real time). Our children present differently, one is fully verbal but struggles with making friends and speaking within turn, some self care issues. One only speaks in echolalia, cannot manage any self care, hardly any social skills. Both highly intelligent in terms of academics. We had our children in our 20s so age wasn’t a factor.

Im not saying everyone with suspected autism has had some huge difficulties or burnout that affected them at some point, but if you suspect autism runs in the family it may certainly be something you have to consider for a future child and yourself. Because at 50 you may have a child with no sense of danger, non verbal, highly like to run off when scared or distracted, only sleeps 3 hours a night from birth. It’s not world ending but it is exhausting beyond belief. Same with genetic conditions that are more likely with older parents, it’s not a definitive but it’s something to seriously consider.

@LostTheMarble I had no idea about these aspects of autism. Sorry for the difficulties you have experienced and thank you for this perspective.

They are thriving and happy. I am most definitely not "shattered" and I did all my "freedom" stuff when I was young enough to enjoy it. The pregnancies were straight forward.

It is interesting that older parents get very defensive if anyone brings up the risks of pregnancy in your 40d but constantly need to feel superior to everyone else ('young enough to enjoy' freedom). We get it, your choices are perfect and there's no downsides.

Well that would be a massive waste of money if the OP does carry the genes for late fertility, and so could get pregnant within months if she took her IUD out and had lots of sex.

All in? I think you're looking at her "I want a sibling" from your adult point of view. Do you actually think she understands what it would involve? That she realises that she wouldn't be getting a playmate for a good few years? That even at a toddlers age there would be no meaningful interaction? That the sibling she most likely envisages (same or close age) is not what she would be getting.
Do you really believe she'd be all in for months of likely disturbed sleep? All in for mum preoccupied with a newborn and then toddler?

If you want a baby because YOU want it, that's fine, your child will learn to cope with the reality, but don't underestimate the gap between between your daughter's idea of having a sibling and a new baby actually arriving.

@SouthPotty my DD already has a half sibling and she is obsessed.

Of course I realise that the baby would be my (and my partner's) responsibility.

I personally don’t think there is anything wrong with it if you are able to conceive. People act as though 60s is ancient. My mums just turned 60, works full time, and has far more energy than me.

I am mid 30s and trying to donor conceive. I know I’m not the “prime” age for fertility. I’m hoping that the fact the donor is young (I presume!) and fertile it balances it out a bit.

Just turned 45 and holding my 6 month old while she sleeps. I’m very lucky to have had her via ivf (no donor required); was given 5% chance of it working so consider myself blessed. It’s going really well, she’s a healthy happy baby and my pregnancy/recovery was fine. Saying that I’ve looked after myself so I think that has helped with being an older mum. Our 7 year old dd loves her little sister to bits and is a great help. You have to be realistic but it can be done if you have a viable egg and are healthy and of course money if going the ivf route x

Definitely not the case if a child is very severely autistic i.e non verbal, challenging behaviour, self harming, no sense of danger, etc. It can be an absolute bloody nightmare and people on the outside wouldn't have a clue how bad it is.

The wider risks of maternal age are of course well known - including risks of trisonomies like Downs and Edward's (embryos with Pataus are not viable beyond a few months if they make it full term). See below the table attached below. And having experienced one of those trisonomy pregnancies I would not underestimate the impact on mental health whether or not the pregnancy goes to full term. It's important that you consider what testing and actions you might take if that happened to you.

www.bornontario.ca/en/pso/prenatal-screening-options/chance-of-chromosome-differences-based-on-age.aspx

@Bouledeneige I'm so sorry that you went through that.

The mental health impact is something that seriously concerns me.

I can totally understand that yearning feeling OP. But, it sounds like you have a great life a lovely daughter, a loving partner. Don’t chase a dream that may not become a reality. If you decide too, I wish you well and hope it all works out.

Teenager. Menopause. My mother regretted her late arrival to maternity at your age OP. 2 wild teens and no energy to deal with them.

My main concern is the significantly increased risk of a wide range of issues ranging from chromosomal problems to varying degrees of autism. Your child might want a sibling, but if you have a child with any extra needs, you will be dealing with that extra layer of worry on top of just being older.

Also, if your existing child is old enough to want a sibling, she is too old to have a meaningful relationship (if any!) with that sibling until they are both much older. They almost certainly won't be playing together.

I had similar pangs in my early 40's and now at 46 am so relieved I sat it out. The main concern was having a child with increased needs and being nearly years older than I was 1st time around. Now I'm retraining in the career I always wanted (but interrupted to have babies first time around) instead of looking after a pre-schooler.

I wouldn’t. You’re more likely to be nearer 50 than 40 by the time it happened, if it happened. I’d chalk this up to peri hormones and try to move on.

@Ihearyousingingdownthewire I would probably just try for one year and give up. But yes, I am already terrifyingly old.

Again though you've only been with your partner for two years.

It sounds like your DD has had a lot of instability already.

Her dad is abusive and she has a half sibling on his side.

Why not just focus on her?

If you don't feel confident marrying him, why would you feel confident having a baby with him?