To consider having a baby at 44

[littleloopylou]

I already have one child whom I love dearly. She desperately wants a sibling.

My partner and I met late in life.

We are financially secure.

I am aware it might not be possible.

@Isthisexpected "would you want to be an orphan at 30?"

No one wants to be an orphan. But I'm sure you wouldn't say this if the OP was as little as 5 years younger. And is there much difference between being an orphan at 30 vs 35? You're obviously suggesting it's selfish to have a child who may become orphaned 'too young' - what age is your cut off? Is it ok to be orphaned at 40? 45? Too late for the likes of me, but this might help younger women determine the age by which they should have a baby and not be portrayed as self-serving. TIA.

Is he sharing everything with you financially? What’s the reason you’re not married or engaged? You’re taking a big risk with your health and future by having a child. You’d need to be as sure as possible that he’s committed. Babies put huge pressure on relationships and he’s had 40 odd years of freedom

@Upinthenightagain he is totally devoted to me. He wants to get married (and I do too, but am a little hesitant after my abusive ex), but we are just finishing a big renovation project and it hasn't been the right time.

This information alone would make me seriously consider the safety of having a baby in my 40s.
At the age of 33, the chance of your baby being diagnosed with trisomy 21 (Down syndrome) during pregnancy is approximately 1/400. At the age of 40, this chance increases to 1/70. By age 45, this chance is about 1/19
https://vpfw.com/blog/pregnancy-after-age-40-the-odds-the-risks-and-whether-to-try/

This might also be worth a read.
https://www.acog.org/womens-health/faqs/having-a-baby-after-age-35-how-aging-affects-fertility-and-pregnancy

I would say if you really want another baby to go for it and not to dither too much.

I am 56 now with a 13 and 16yo. Having our family was the best decision we ever made. Dh is 61 now, and yes he cannot retire until 65, but we wouldn't swap our family for early retirement. We have had so much fun with our children over the past 2 decades and regret nothing. In another few years they'll be off living their owns lives and we will then begin to wind down to retirement.

We also did lots of travelling and adventure when we we young enough to fully enjoy it. Our retirement will hopefully be a restful one!

Ps I lost my parents at 23 and they had me when they were young. There are no guarantees.

Most other sources put it at a lot less than 1/19. It's usually between 1/30 and 1/50. Which means in a group of 100 45-year old women having babies, something like 2 or 3 will have a baby with DS.

patient.info/pregnancy/pregnancy-screening-tests/prenatal-screening-and-diagnosis-of-downs-syndrome

I would add that I'm not saying OP should try for a baby. That's entirely her choice. I'm just saying that there's a lot of doom-mongering and overstatement of risks on this thread (not to mention judgement about older mums). As an older mum you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. Plenty of people judge mothers for having only children. We can't win!

If you’re a little hesitant that’s not great for having a child. How long have you been together?

Way to old and to many risks.
It's quite selfish as well sorry.

@Upinthenightagain we have been together for 2 years.

I should emphasise again that there is no pressure from him whatsoever. It's just that I know he would love to have a baby.

@littleloopylou I think the fact he hasn’t got a child of his own and would love one is an unspoken pressure because he could very well go off with someone younger and have a child with them.
I think as well even if you have a healthy baby you will find that it will not be easy for your daughter. There’s a high chance she will be jealous of the new baby and with good reason.

@BeaRF75 · Yesterday 12:44

The baby at 44 may not be an issue, but what about a teenager in your late 50s? Or a still-dependent 21 year old university student when you are 65?
Don't underestimate how tired you will feel in your 50s and 60s, let alone the increased risk of major health issues at those ages.

@distinctpossibility · Yesterday 12:46

I'm not sure why you're asking tbh. You must know the risks are significantly higher for things like Down's Syndrome and autism and that it might take a long time to conceive a viable pregnancy. You know you'll be 62 at the youngest when the potential baby hits 18.

@Lifebeganat50 · Yesterday 12:47

I wouldn’t want to plan to be dealing with a 16-20 year old in my early 60s….potential university fees as I’d be looking towards retirement….to me it’s not about the baby at 44, it’s about all the above!

@Misthios · Yesterday 12:53

44 is not old in the grand scheme of things, but is very old when talking about having a baby.

All of this. Sorry @littleloopylou but not in a million years would I do this. I know 3 individual women who are around 60 now, who had a baby at 38-40, (so, a few years younger than 44.) And whilst it was great at the time and they didn't seem particularly old, and they felt healthy and fit; they are now 60-ish year olds with 19-21 year old children. All children still live at home, and still seem really young, and they are still totally dependent on them, and are likely to be for a few more years yet.

They have all said they feel too old to have a child in their teens/still at uni/still at home. (Their words, not mine...) Having a baby at 44/45 will be even worse. As has been said, do you want to be in your mid 60s, with university age children, who will possibly need financial support til you are nearly 70? And could be living at home til you're well into in your 70s?

As has been said, even by your mid 50s, you have a good chance of developing health issues and conditions, and aches and pains. And don't underestimate how tired and weary you will feel. Menopause is a killer. You really don't want toddlers/infants around you 24/7 at that stage of your life.

And then there's all the shit that goes with having school age children ... Running around taking them to hobby groups/after school groups/giving lifts/dealing with school politics/school run/problems with other parents/issues with bullying/exams/toddler tantrums/ teen years (nightmare!) and all that jazz. And that is on top of all the money they cost.

You should be putting your feet up, lying in til midday at weekends, going on cruises/peaceful holidays, going to pub quizzes, and going on long relaxing walks in peace in your 50s and 60s. Not looking after a school age child permanently.

You will get loads of people on here saying 'woo hoo go for it, 44 is a great age to have a baby.' And tales of their great auntie Ella who had a baby at 50 that was very likely their teen daughter's child that they took on and lots of posters who say they had babies in their 40s etc etc. In real life, most people will have had their last baby a few years before the age of 40, and would never have a baby at 44-45 y.o..

There are way more 'againsts' than 'fors.' (Including, as some posters have said, the possibility of health issues with the child, that can go along with a woman having a baby past the age of 40.) And there is no guarantee your sibling will get on with the new child.

I just wouldn't do it. It seems OK now while you are not too old, and probably fit, but you have to look at the bigger picture, and think ahead.

How in the fuck is it selfish? Honestly the judgement on here is off the scale.

An orphan is a child whose parents have died. I don't think that's all that likely by the time the OP hits 62 and her child turns 18.

I am 51 and hating the perimenopause. I cannot imagine looking after a young child. HRT did not help me. Having said that, not everybody has a difficult menopause so you might be okay. Still I would not go ahead if I were you.

I was orphaned at 31, my parents were 53 and 63 when they died. As a PP said, there are no guarantees.

Everyone has mentioned the risks to baby with an advanced maternal age, I'd also urge you to look into the risks of advanced paternal age. It hasn't been studied as much (naturally 🙄) but there's more and more evidence coming.

I do think YAB a bit U.

I think perhaps you'd need to decipher if you're ok being in your 50s when your kid starts school?

It’s possible that people are using donor eggs of course, but I wasn’t commenting on assisted vs unassisted fertility, I was just saying what I see around me.

That being said, I doubt every single 40something mother of a newborn that I see has used donor eggs when IVF with own eggs and egg freezing is more common than ever.

My biggest concern would be having an amniocentesis that ended the pregnancy or found an abnormality that would be advised to have a late stage (birth) termination.

I don't believe I'd mentally cope with either of those scenarios.

I think it's important to look at the actual data, which can sometimes be presented in a way that makes it sound remarkably more dramatic than it is. I'm reading some research now about this, which says that the risk of a child being born with any sort of chromosomal abnormality to a woman aged 30-34 years is 0.35%, whilst for a woman aged 40-44 years it's 3.14%. If you frame that as almost 9 times the risk, it sounds huge. On the other hand, you could say there is a 97% chance of a woman aged 40-44 having a baby with no chromosomal abnormalities, and that sounds a lot less scary.

Had my first at 40, 43 now and trying for number 2.

I totally understand those people saying their DC would be late teens/early 20s when they hit 44 and THEY would not want to go through it again. But I think that's more to do with them happily feeling like they've completed their family and are so far removed from the baby years that they can't imagine starting from the beginning with another one.

I also understand people saying 'you should be looking forward to cruises/retirement in your 60s, not having young adults hanging on to apron strings'. Again, if THEY completed their family earlier in your life, they had less time then to enjoy their freedom then. Parents starting later had the opportunity to do childfree things before becomming parents.

I agree with the PP who said it's comparing apples with pears. People just do things differently

👏🏻

I have to say, some of the people saying they couldn't bear the thought of having a late teen/young adult still at home when they're in their 50s and 60s will probably be posting about how depressed they are due to empty nest syndrome when that time comes...