To consider having a baby at 44

[littleloopylou]

I already have one child whom I love dearly. She desperately wants a sibling.

My partner and I met late in life.

We are financially secure.

I am aware it might not be possible.

I'm 44 in April and I certainly wouldn't.

Lol. Do you have young children?

Don't get me wrong, I love my kids and they are well behaved teens. But by the time I'm 44, I'll have been parenting for 23 years.

Bring on the empty nest!

I had my second at 45, we had given up hoping but it happened. He's now at university and we've never had any regrets.

I'm glad that I had so much time to enjoy my younger days.

Yes, I believe that it what you see in certain parts of London. You also said it 44 wasn't old and was perfectly normal. I was responding to that, suggesting that a lot, probably the majority of these women have had fertility treatment and therefore that it is old for motherhood.

The success and availability of fertility technology does not mean mid-40s is too old for motherhood. That’s like saying being diabetic is too ill to be alive because it relies on medical intervention.

We’re humans. We push boundaries. As life expectancy continues to increase so too will the age at which people choose to become parents. 100 years ago, 35 would have been considered ancient for pursuing parenthood, now people don’t bat an eyelid at 45.

The success and availability of fertility technology does not mean mid-40s is too old for motherhood. That’s like saying being diabetic is too ill to be alive because it relies on medical intervention.

This is such a good point @Crushed23

I had my second at 39 - eight years after his big brother. He is at special school and might never live independently. His big brother adores him and he has brought a lot of fun but he is relentless and we have a lot of worries for his future.

The help our parents can give is extremely limited by their health and I am terrified of myself or my partner dying early and leaving the other to cope alone. If I had a crystal ball I would have made a different decision.

The problem is you just don't know if you will have a healthy child or not. While this is true at any age being older doesn't help with the risks or your ability to cope or to be there for their future.

I can't guarantee I won't!

Such a personal thing.

I just had my last baby at 38 - and for me that felt like as old as I would want to be during a pregnancy. It was harder physically than my earlier pregnancies. I had two miscarriages before it took as well. Having older children meant really limited opportunities for rest or self care.

It was a lot physically.

How is your health OP? Are you strong and fit?

I think 44 is on the cusp of being too old and a tad selfish to have a baby sorry OP

Sometimes in life we have to accept we've left it too late for things

It's nothing like saying that@Crushed23, completely different.
There is and has always been a 'window' during which women are fertile. This is a physiological fact. Sure we can push boundaries but that is the whole point, it is pushing boundaries because it is 'old' and outside the fertile window. I women want to do that and have fully considered pros and cons, that is absolutely fine but let's not pretend it is not old to have a baby.

I really, really wanted a sibling when I was a young child. Then I got one and it was nothing that I imagined and we haven't got on from that day to this. I really wish I had stayed an only child.

Op your daughter may think she would like a sibling but how would that pan out in reality? Would she really want to share you with a baby? It would also be a big age gap. My sister and I have 6 years between us and we only really got close as adults. We got on well as children but she was always my baby sister.

You say that your DP would like a child. How do you think having his own child would affect his relationship with your DD? It might not make a difference but when you read the step-parent board on here it is definitely something to take into consideration. Might your DD be jealous if her sibling has two happy parents in a good relationship when this is not her experience of her parents?

I'm not saying don't do it but these are all things you would really need to think about.

I think 44 is pushing it, personally.

Easy to romanticise having a sweet little baby with the man you love, but what about doing the school run in your 50s, parenting a teen at 60 etc?

I’m 46 and the idea of having a 2 year old fills me with dread!

Having said all that, it’s nobody’s choice but you and your partner.

My eldest will be 20 when I am 44, couldn't imagine having a newborn at that age.

Do what works for you, to be 60 with a 16 year old is some people's idea of hell, to be an only child us others there are no rules you do you

It's really subjective isn't it. I couldn't imagine having had a newborn at 24. Whilst I might have coped better with the shortage of sleep, I wouldn't have been remotely financially stable enough, I wouldn't have had half the patience I have now, I can't imagine I would have been confident enough to make friends at the school gate, I wouldn't have had the money to spare to do NCT and make baby friends, and my career would have just plateaued.

Having a sister, I can't imagine not having any siblings, or having a brother. It's very hard to put yourself in someone else's shoes and that's why threads like this probably aren't very helpful for the OP.

Fair enough. There are many ways of looking at this situation. It is not an easy decision.

Read Jean Twenge’s book about getting pregnant in your 40s, apparently a lot of the current birth records about trouble conceiving later were from the olden days so outdated. I think as long as you are healthy and fit and have relevant tests done (I’d have them all done!) then go for it.

I know of women who’ve got pregnant naturally in their 40s, one not sure if assisted and don’t know if her DD has SN or not and another I know miscarried at 43/44 but she has an underactive thyroid. Another has a healthy 3 year old born when she was 43. Oh and another one has her DD (she had 2 sons and 2 stepsons and other stepchildren) and had her DD when she was 43 or 44, seems to be healthy the DD.

Sorry for DM link…

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-12864883/amp/Whats-REALLY-like-mother-40-Sienna-Miller-said-psychologically-aware-ahead-giving-birth-41-women-children-later-life-share-experiences.html

These are the same concerns most parents have OP. Good luck

I recently had a baby in South London at 31. Everyone in my NCT group was at least 10 years older than me - it was surprising as I def wouldn't want a newborn in my 40s, but very common now I think

I'm 47 - I have a 25,23,18 and 14yo the idea of starting again from scratch gives me the horrors lol. BUT I can understand why someone may have had a change of circumstances in their later life and want to start a new family. Personally though I'm looking forward to my freedom years now in that little gap before I become to old to fully enjoy it.

Also at work today - was working with 2yos - I made the observation that the children I was caring for would be reach their 20s when I was reaching my 70's and possibly be the group that would be caring for me if I needed help in my older years! That was quite sobering. In the space of their childhood I'd be hitting my older years.

I think given the fact you've only been with your partner for two years, already live together, and have a 7 yo whose dad is abusive it's too much change for your DD..

Your DD might want a sibling but what she really needs is stability and consistency.

I got pregnant with a new partner at 39. Turned out there were physical.and chromosomal issues. Had a termination for same. Pregnant again at 40 and 41 (now) with no issues but had amniocentesis for both subsequent pregnancies with the view that if there were issues there would be termination. No issues with fertility and two older kids now 15 and 17 from previous marriage.
I will be honest and say it has not been.an easy road. Its definitely harder when you are older......I don't care what anyone says. Do I regret it? No definitely not but you really need to be prepared for the hit your body and your independence takes. It is not for the faint hearted and very personal decision. I quoted PP as I very much agree with the statement they have made.