To have a baby my grown dd doesn't want me to have?

[pebblecity]

I have a 23 year old dd who I had when I was 17, she has a 1 year old who we occasionally have to sleep over in what was her old bedroom.
I am pregnant again now at 40 after years of trying and dh and I are over the moon.

Dd however is not so pleased, we announced our pregnancy after the 12 week scan and she's really upset that her daughter will be 2 years older than ours and that our baby will be eventually in dds old room which our granddaughter sometimes sleeps in if we babysit, the rooms a double and there is still room for our granddaughter on occasion to stay in there but dd said it's not the same.
Dd is disgusted at the thought and although we thought she'd be surprised, we didn't expect this reaction, especially as we've been ttc for a long time with many losses (which she doesn't know about) but now we are really exited.

I understand this is weird for her because of the age gap but were we right to go ahead if it's what we really want?
This is so upsetting for everyone and I feel so guilty that she feels the way she does.

Well indeed and as such not many grandmothers have babies at the same time as theirs daughter anymore.

Your grandchild can help with their future aunt or uncle. There will be a two year age gap and they might love to be the big helper. They will probably also have a much closer relationship (growing up together) than your daughter will have with her sibling and that's ok too.

@OhmygodDont

yep!

so maybe it’s not that op is old to be having a baby

but more that her daughter is young to be having a baby

Your daughter is probably concerned she'll end up parenting your new baby, which is a very valid feeling considering the age gap - not your age, theirs, there is no way they will have any kind of sibling relationship when one is so much younger than the other. Also, why did you thank people for the kind words whilst completely ignoring the people who have name called and insulted your child? Very weird.

Well she learnt off her mum 😂 can’t have it both ways. If ops daughter was too young so was op.

I have two half sisters who are 3 months younger than my youngest child.

Edited to add that my eldest was 8 when they were born

We don't see them anymore (their mother's choice) since my dad died but it was lovely at the time.

Your daughter is being ridiculous.

I think everyone is being a bit harsh on the daughter here. She’s a young mum herself with a one year old, and how many of us have relied on our own Mums for emotional if not practical support when we had babies? Now she’s looking at not only losing that support but possibly being in the position of having to provide it to her Mum instead.

@OhmygodDont

im sure she has been exposed to other women in her life getting pregnant in their thirties and forties

I think everyone is being really harsh on the daughter. She had no idea her mum was trying for another baby or about her losses. She is an adult and her mother is a grandmother, now her mother is going to have a new baby and that is bound to make her feel in the least - a bit weirded out! Hopefully she will come round, but I would reassure her it won’t affect how much you love her or your grandchild and that it’s just another person to love.

I'd have hated it if my Mum had another child when I was 23 and maybe needed some help with my child. I like to think I'd have hidden it better.

Oh, ok. I'll have a look.

Maybe I overrode biology when it came to my own parents then.

She was five years older than OP was when she got pregnant

Generally speaking, I agree with you that 40 isn't too old to have a baby. However, it is unusual for a 40 year old grandparent to decide to have a second baby 23 years after the first one.

How does it feel to have complete strangers slagging your daughter off like this? It can't be what you were after...

@lifebeginsaftercoffee

not really in cases of secondary infertility

I’m a similar age to your daughter and while I’d be very surprised if my mum decided to have another child, it would not be my place to disapprove or try to talk her out of it. Your daughter is an adult who doesn’t even live with you anymore. It’s absolutely none of her business.

Absolutely all of this.

But in most of those cases, the parent isn't also a grandparent to a toddler.

It is unusual for a grandparent to actively decide to become a parent again.

I can understand her. She’s been an only child for so long and now she’s moving into a stage of her life where she’s the mum of a young child and instead of having her mums support her mum will also be raising a young child. It will change your relationship and obviously she won’t have a normal sibling relationship with her sibling.
I don’t think she should’ve told you how she felt, at the end of the day she’s a grown up and she should just deal with it, but I can understand why she feels the way she does.

there is no way they will have any kind of sibling relationship when one is so much younger than the other.

No, but the granddaughter will likely have a close relationship with just a 2 year gap.

ow does it feel to have complete strangers slagging your daughter off like this? It can't be what you were after...

I don't think the op wanted to hear it as she hasn't returned.

Only if the op can keep the relationship with her daughter.

If ops daughter stays repulsed I doubt any relationship. I wouldn’t fill op with too much hope.

better to be happily surprised than disappointed because of expectations

Yes. Until my dad's widow cut contact with us, our children were more like cousins.

I was more like an aunt to them. There's so way I would have had a sibling relationship with them - I was 31.

Why?

I'd imagine there are many mothers/carers plus 40 year old women out there that have a 2 year old and a new baby themselves.

I'm sure OP Isn't going to just dump her GC and is quite capable of looking after both.

I could wholly understand OP's DD had she been a bit younger/teenager and was going to feel she'd be living in a house and having a new baby disturbing her but at 23 and not even living in the same address not so much.

It's like Ian and Ben in Eastenders. I think Ian was older than 23 and had three kids of his own already. I think he was horrified but that was probably more likely to do with Phil Mitchell being the dad 😆

Congratulations, OP!

40 is a perfectly normal age to have a baby and it shouldn’t be a massive surprise to anyone that you’re having another.

But - if I were your daughter, I’d be feeling sad, too. I’d be worried that my baby would be replaced in her granny’s affections by the new baby and the grandchild-grandparent bond would disappear.

I think you need to have a proper talk with her and reassure her as much as you can that her child will still be important to you.

I really hope you manage to work things out.