To have a baby my grown dd doesn't want me to have?

[pebblecity]

I have a 23 year old dd who I had when I was 17, she has a 1 year old who we occasionally have to sleep over in what was her old bedroom.
I am pregnant again now at 40 after years of trying and dh and I are over the moon.

Dd however is not so pleased, we announced our pregnancy after the 12 week scan and she's really upset that her daughter will be 2 years older than ours and that our baby will be eventually in dds old room which our granddaughter sometimes sleeps in if we babysit, the rooms a double and there is still room for our granddaughter on occasion to stay in there but dd said it's not the same.
Dd is disgusted at the thought and although we thought she'd be surprised, we didn't expect this reaction, especially as we've been ttc for a long time with many losses (which she doesn't know about) but now we are really exited.

I understand this is weird for her because of the age gap but were we right to go ahead if it's what we really want?
This is so upsetting for everyone and I feel so guilty that she feels the way she does.

Congratulations OP!
I can understand why your 23 year old daughter is a bit upset though. It will take time to work through her feelings and adjust.
23 is still young and the brain hasn't stopped developing. It's an emotional reaction and as your her mum there's no filter.
Clearly it will impact her, your relationship may change, your new baby will be your focus. You will have less time and energy to support her.
If she's been used to being an only child this will also come as a bit of a shock. Tbh I don't think my teen/ early 20s DC probably wouldn't be impressed if I said I was pregant!
Although she's an adult I would still tread gently, let her know how much you love her and your DGC and give her time to come round.
She may also feel that you have" stepped on her toes" in terms of it being her time to be a new mum and feel you wont be there as a GP.
Added to that she may possibly feel a bit resentful if new DC has a better lifestyle / more opportunities than she had growing up and perhaps better than she can offer her own DC.
It's probably a whole load of complex emotions but I'm sure she will come round especially if you give her time , include her and reassure her.

I’m kind of Team DD here too. I’d be more than a bit weirded out in her shoes. The posters calling her names need to chill out.

@pebblecity To give another perspective - I am living with this exact position except I am the grandchild. (My mum had me when she was 20, then my gran had a baby (my aunt) a year after I was born). So my aunt is younger than me and her sister (my mum) is 20 years older than her.

it is weird. And I feel differently now I’m older. My mum always felt that I missed out on having ‘proper’ grandparents (which I did in a way) and she has no real relationship with her sister - how could she really when she’s younger than me. As children though, my aunt and I grew up together and it was fun.

Families relationships and dynamics are complicated.

Of course you should go ahead and have your much-wanted baby! And lose the guilt, this has absolutely nothing to do with your daughter - she is a grown adult with a home and a child of her own. I could understand her resentment if she lived with you and you were throwing her out of the house to make room for the new baby but as it is you’re doing absolutely nothing wrong and she’s being totally unreasonable. Congratulations and enjoy your pregnancy and new baby.

Weirded out for what reason?

My youngest (half) brother is 17 years younger than I am.

I had a lot of complicated feelings when he (and my older half brother) was born.

but calling your pregnancy disgusting? Not wanting you to have a much wished for child?

it‘s incredibly out of line. It’s also mean-spirited and selfish, I would expect much better from anyone.

and most importantly: congratulations! Your pregnancy is great news and I hope you’ll manage to enjoy this moment despite everything

How? Why? The OP and her DD obviously had their first children very young.

it isn’t surprising for an older sibling to come along. It actually used to be incredibly normal!

I'm sure she'll get used to the idea, once she's had some time for the news to sink in. Perhaps if she knew it is a much wanted baby and about your losses she would be a bit more understanding. Maybe she thinks the pregnancy is unplanned.

I have a DB who is 12 years younger than me. He and his gf are planning to try for a baby this year. I also have a DGD, so DB is a great uncle before he's even a dad!

There is nothing petty about this, I hope you are nicer to people irl.
It's very unusual to have siblings younger than your sibling, it must be a strange situation to be in. She has been an only child and now probably feels what any child, young or old, feels when a new sibling comes along. She may be 23 but she still does not want to feel unimportant, and it will happen with a new baby on board.
There of course is an element of selfishness to her reaction, but if my parents told me when I was 23 they were having another baby Id thought they were insane. Good for them and they should not be giving up on a baby, but also the daughters reaction is not too out there.

She is being outrageously selfish. Congrats Op

Where are all the posters who say that young people's brains aren't fully developed until they're 25 and should be forgiven their feelings?

I don't believe for a minute that all the posters calling this young woman selfish and all kinds of names, would, at 23, have been so accepting of their mother and grandmother to their child, announcing their pregnancy. I'm as certain as I can be that the vast majority would be shocked, and worried about what it would mean for their relationship with their mum, and their mum's relationship with her grandchild.

As a pp pointed out, she had no warning of this. It's come out of the blue. She hasn't had time to process any of this, and yes, she's only 23. Give her a break. The vast majority of us wouldn't have handled it any better at that age.

I didn't say her happiness didn't matter to OP, or at all on anything did I?

I said it doesn't matter about this, because it doesn't.

OP having a baby at this age when her adult daughter is independent and has her own family impacts sooo little on her adult daughters life, OP can support another child, wants another child and is excited to be having another child that really NOBODY else's happiness except the 2 people who came together to create this baby really matters.

OPs daughter can feel as uncomfortable as she wants. I'm sure she didn't consider everyone else's comfort levels with her own pregnancy 🧐.

I would imagine she's worried she'll have to start babysitting for your baby lol. Congratulations to you both tho, a baby is always a blessing especially a most wanted one x

Conflict of interest is why they anit here 😂

I agree with this. When I was 23, my parents were in their mid 40s. I'd have been really weirded out of my mum told me she was pregnant. I can't explain why. If OP's dd was a teen mum then I could understand an auntie/uncle and niece/nephew being a similar age. It's a lot to get your head around so OP's dd just needs some space.

Yeah, they don't have much of a relationship strangely enough

My Dd is 21, her half brother is 53, she is a great aunt to her niece's newbie, no problems at all on any front, families come in many forms. She'll probably love the baby when it arrives

Similar happened to one of my friends, although she was pregnant at the same time as her mum. She had a similar reaction. Mainly due to being quite taken aback and shocked as she had no idea her mum wanted more kids after so long. But also felt a bit sad as it inevitably changed the dynamic as her mum was going to be busy and sleep-deprived with her own newborn rather than the supportive grandparent my friend felt she needed (obviously you can still be supportive but no denying having your own newborn will put big limits on this)

She also felt a bit embarrassed at the whole ‘baby has an aunt/uncle who is younger’ and said it was like something off Jeremy Kyle 🤣 Even now a few years on she refers to the kids as cousins and doesn’t like to tell people the relationship!

But for the best part she got over it. These things happen, it used ti be common back in the day.

I’ve got to be honest. I suspect some of your DD’s response will be down the the “pick my mum and dad have had sex”. It’s one thing to assume your parents have a love life, something else entirely when it’s so obviously confirmed.

She needs a bit of an adjustment period but I think it’ll be okay long term.

To the “ick

Wow that's a crazy age gap! What is their relationship like? That age gap is nearly 10 years more than the one between my parents and I.

OPs daughter can feel as uncomfortable as she wants. I'm sure she didn't consider everyone else's comfort levels with her own pregnancy 🧐.

It's hardly the same scenario though, is it? I wouldn't consider my parents feelings if I was to have a baby, but I would expect someone to think about their existing DC's feelings if they were to plan another baby..

Because 20 year sibling age gaps are more than a bit unusual!!

Wasn't that Sue Radford pregnant at the same time as one of her daughters?
The age gap between her oldest and youngest children must be huge.

@brightyellowflower

40 really isn’t that old to be having a baby hun. We ain’t in the 1950s anymore.