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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have a baby my grown dd doesn't want me to have?

535 replies

pebblecity · 18/03/2024 11:43

I have a 23 year old dd who I had when I was 17, she has a 1 year old who we occasionally have to sleep over in what was her old bedroom.
I am pregnant again now at 40 after years of trying and dh and I are over the moon.

Dd however is not so pleased, we announced our pregnancy after the 12 week scan and she's really upset that her daughter will be 2 years older than ours and that our baby will be eventually in dds old room which our granddaughter sometimes sleeps in if we babysit, the rooms a double and there is still room for our granddaughter on occasion to stay in there but dd said it's not the same.
Dd is disgusted at the thought and although we thought she'd be surprised, we didn't expect this reaction, especially as we've been ttc for a long time with many losses (which she doesn't know about) but now we are really exited.

I understand this is weird for her because of the age gap but were we right to go ahead if it's what we really want?
This is so upsetting for everyone and I feel so guilty that she feels the way she does.

OP posts:

dizzydizzydizzy · 18/03/2024 19:11

She is being ridiculous. Ignore her.

CammyChameleon · 18/03/2024 19:19

Yeah, I can see why she's upset.

Her daughter's relationship with you is going to suffer as you'll prioritise your new baby.

She's going to feel less able to lean on you for any kind of support because you're going to be occupied with your baby.

They're way too far apart for a sibling relationship as "peers" - even when your second child is a young adult, your DD will be middle aged.

It's "not up to her", of course, but I'm amazed you couldn't see this coming.

I feel for your DD.

Emarosa · 18/03/2024 19:19

I have an auntie who is younger than me and an uncle who is a similar age. We have a wonderful relationship. They are honestly like my brother and sister. It’s a lovely set up and hopefully your DD will see it that way some day too.

Isitovernow123 · 18/03/2024 19:21

Congrats! Echo others here and say it’s nothing to do with her.

DarkDarkNight · 18/03/2024 19:22

She sounds jealous and more bothered about losing a babysitter than your news. Congratulations.

Viviennemary · 18/03/2024 19:22

I cam see that it's unusual that her child will be older than your new baby. This used to happen years ago but not so much now. And 21 these days is quite young to have a child. But that's what she chose. And it's absolutely your right to make your choice.You were a grandmother at 38. That's far too young IMHO. But it is what it is and your daughter should just accept your decision with good grace.

PersephonePomegranate23 · 18/03/2024 19:24

Tell her to fuck off. We're you disappointed or dusgusted when she had a baby at 21 or 22?

Gluggyglaggyglock · 18/03/2024 19:26

Agree with PP, it sounds more like shes worried about losing you as a babysitter than anything

The age gap will be lovely when their older, they might end up really good friends. I'm always a little jealous of families that end up having a granddaughter/sister/niece all around the same age, it must be lovely growing up with a ready made friend whose family

Newnamesameoldlurker · 18/03/2024 19:28

Devonshiregal · 18/03/2024 16:27

People are being so mean about your daughter. And it’s really nice that you love and care about her feelings.

You are HER mum. You’ve now, after 23 years said you’re having another her…another child…another baby. Why would she be excited by this?

Shes used to having you to herself.
She knows that babies take all the focus as she has one herself.
She associates babies with her baby and therefore will know the love you will feel for that baby. She won’t recognise that as being the love you have for her because you just don’t give older children the same “love” we give very little children
she knows how much time and attention they take
she was the centre of everything - you’d moved into grandma role and she’s the one with the child (and all the attention and specialness that brings)
she imagined she’d given you the most special thing when she made you a grandmother, only for you to turn around and have your own “more important” baby which trumps hers
depending on dad, she’s worried you are going to be a little family without her
youre essentially having a whole new family life without her (it will feel like this)
youre not going to be putting her child first so he’ll miss out on grandma because you will be too busy running around after your own child
her child will have to deal with the weirdness that comes from having an aunt younger than them (obviously this doesn’t matter irl but she’s going to think it’s gross)
she doesn’t see you as a young woman. She sees you as a mum. And therefore it is your job to support her and be there for her as she has children etc. It’s not your job to have little kids of your own.
the idea of your mum having sex or giving birth is pretty gross too so that adds to it. It’s your mum you know

*this is just what she will feel, not necessarily reality.

she’s jealous as fuck and it doesn’t matter whether it’s right or wrong it’s how she feels and you’re likely going to hear about it.

to be honest I can’t imagine anyone wouldn’t feel threatened or jealous. Yes she’s an adult but basically what it feels like is oh you’re an adult now, I want a shiny, new baby to play with.

How come you didn’t tell her about the miscarriages? Or tell her you were trying? This will be a total shock and though you’re there feeling injured by her reaction because of all you’ve been through, she has no idea so won’t even have a slight filter on what she says. If you don’t tell her how can she understand how you feel? Or feel any sympathy?

anyway, no you’re not doing the wrong thing having a baby. She is an adult as are you and she needs to get over it but definitely don’t push her.

if anything I’d do exactly what you’d do with a jealous 5 year old - up what you’re doing for her and her son. Don’t only have him occasionally. Find ways to put him in a special position as your grandson that will work even when the baby is here. She’ll get over it but it might take time

do enjoy your pregnancy though. You deserve to

Edited

This is a really excellent post

EerieSilence · 18/03/2024 19:28

CammyChameleon · 18/03/2024 19:19

Yeah, I can see why she's upset.

Her daughter's relationship with you is going to suffer as you'll prioritise your new baby.

She's going to feel less able to lean on you for any kind of support because you're going to be occupied with your baby.

They're way too far apart for a sibling relationship as "peers" - even when your second child is a young adult, your DD will be middle aged.

It's "not up to her", of course, but I'm amazed you couldn't see this coming.

I feel for your DD.

Wow, this is just ridiculous. OP gave her daughter years of life, love, support. She has the right to live her life as she wants, especially as her daughter has her own family now. Her life shouldn't end at 43, being the Grandma and unpaid babysitter.
I can see why her daughter feels upset but ultimately, she needs to get over it.

Dacadactyl · 18/03/2024 19:29

My daughter would be getting short shrift from me along the lines of "get your head out of your arse and shut up".

Nothing to do with her.

oakleaffy · 18/03/2024 19:30

It's a bit of a head~phuck to have such a massive age gap- No wonder the 23 yr old daughter is a bit startled. That's almost a quarter century difference in age.

A sister or brother that's younger than the grandchild is a bit odd.

Fairyliz · 18/03/2024 19:30

Give her time op; they say the brain is not fully mature until age 25, she needs to get use to the idea.
You are 40 so your parents might only be in their 60’s. Would you like visible proof that they are still shagging (which is likely) or is it all a bit yuck to think about?

Winter2020 · 18/03/2024 19:31

I think your daughter will come around when she gets used to the idea or if not when the baby is here.

Because of the age gap I think an auntie/niece type relationship can develop between the sisters. I'm sure the two little ones will be very close and hopefully you and your daughter can exchange babysitting/sleepovers in time. It is lovely for her little one to have a young relative to grow up with.

Congratulations!

Redmat · 18/03/2024 19:32

She not being ridiculous or vile or a brat or any other of the quite horrible names she has been called. I doubt it's anything to do with rooms.
It's about the feeling of being replaced. It's about knowing that the conventional, mother ,daughter ,grandchild relationship is going to be very different. That special relationship many grandchildren have with their grandparents will not now happen because it just can't.
It's about seeing a new sibling quite possibly having a more stable and perhaps financially easy life.
You'd have to be super human not to be at least a little upset and anxious by the news that's been completely sprung on her.

PablosTescoBar · 18/03/2024 19:32

She's being ridiculous, and you have nothing to feel guilty about.

I'm the same age as you, OP, and although my DD is younger, I remember her having a bit of a tantrum a few years ago when her dad made a joke about us giving her a baby brother or sister.

She was 13 at the time, so although somewhat understandable given her age and being an only child for so long, I was pretty shocked by her OTT reaction, and I felt like she was old enough to understand that she doesn't get to dictate if we have another child, which I explained to her.

Your daughter is old enough to know better - especially as a mother herself.

Congratulations to you and your DH 😊

Dacadactyl · 18/03/2024 19:33

@Fairyliz are you serious? My parents are late 60s and early 70s and still had a sex life 8 years ago (that I know of)

It's not gross, or something yiu need to get your head around. Sex is a part of life. If the grown daughter thinks her 40 yo parents don't have a sex life, she is naive, ridiculous and not mature enough to have her own child.

lifebeginsaftercoffee · 18/03/2024 19:35

Dacadactyl · 18/03/2024 19:33

@Fairyliz are you serious? My parents are late 60s and early 70s and still had a sex life 8 years ago (that I know of)

I'm sure she knows, but it's not exactly something most people want to acknowledge, especially when it's broadcast to the world in the shape of a new baby that's younger than your own baby!

oakleaffy · 18/03/2024 19:36

CammyChameleon · 18/03/2024 19:19

Yeah, I can see why she's upset.

Her daughter's relationship with you is going to suffer as you'll prioritise your new baby.

She's going to feel less able to lean on you for any kind of support because you're going to be occupied with your baby.

They're way too far apart for a sibling relationship as "peers" - even when your second child is a young adult, your DD will be middle aged.

It's "not up to her", of course, but I'm amazed you couldn't see this coming.

I feel for your DD.

I can see why the original daughter is weirded out by it, too.
Nothing to do with ''support' either... or the grand~daughter, just far too massive an age gap to have a sibling relationship with.

lazyarse123 · 18/03/2024 19:36

Dacadactyl · 18/03/2024 19:29

My daughter would be getting short shrift from me along the lines of "get your head out of your arse and shut up".

Nothing to do with her.

This. Not that my DD would behave like that because she's not a selfish madam. She needs to grow up.
I understand she's shocked but she's basically telling her mum to have an abortion so she doesn't feel displaced.

safetyfreak · 18/03/2024 19:38

I can understand why your DD is upset BUT, you had her so young and your DD needs to think rationally.

Give her time.

caringcarer · 18/03/2024 19:39

Congratulations OP. Your DD may take a while to get used to it but get used to having a baby sibling she must. Once she sees you still treat her and dgd well she'll be fine. It was probably just a shock for her if she didn't know you were TTC.

ChangeAgain2 · 18/03/2024 19:39

I have an "uncle" who is 2 years younger than me. We grow up like siblings. My nan use to drop him to my mums and go to work. My mum used to look after all her siblings and us but the other ones were much older so not really interested in little kids. I've never called him uncle. Although, my kids do.

I think while it might be a bit strange for DD because of the age gap. However, she needs to realise that she doesn't get a say. It your life. You are only 40. You might even want more (I had mine at 40 and 42). The bedroom isn't her room. She has her own home with her own child and partner. It's your home and your space to use how you want.

Applescruffle · 18/03/2024 19:40

Devilshands · 18/03/2024 17:03

I’m the ‘second child’ in OPs scenario (so other side to Rainy who was the older sibling.)

My ‘nephew’ is older than me. My sister is 20+ years older than me. It’s shit. Absolutely awful. Genuinely wouldn’t wish the situation on anymore. It destroyed my parent’s relationship with my older sister. I have no relationship with my nephew - and all our friends are mutual friends by the nature of growing up nearby and being of a similar age (same bloody year group) which is awful. Literally words cannot describe how awful. It’s shit. The judgment growing up from other children and their parents. Knowing my sister despised my existence…

I’m genuinely happy for OP, but posters pretending this is not life-changing and going to deeply affect both the unborn and the older daughter are ridiculous. It’s great news for OP, but it’s not for her daughter and whilst the daughter doesn’t get a say, it’s callous and unreasonable to expect her to suck it up.

Show quote history

Sounds like it's your family that's shit. Doesn't mean it's the same for everyone.

JudgeJ · 18/03/2024 19:40

pebblecity · 18/03/2024 11:53

She doesn't live at home, she lives with her partner and dd. We just have her dd to stay over occasionally.

Show quote history

She's probably worried that you will expect her to reciprocate the over night stays and be your occasional baby sitter!

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