To have a baby my grown dd doesn't want me to have?

[pebblecity]

I have a 23 year old dd who I had when I was 17, she has a 1 year old who we occasionally have to sleep over in what was her old bedroom.
I am pregnant again now at 40 after years of trying and dh and I are over the moon.

Dd however is not so pleased, we announced our pregnancy after the 12 week scan and she's really upset that her daughter will be 2 years older than ours and that our baby will be eventually in dds old room which our granddaughter sometimes sleeps in if we babysit, the rooms a double and there is still room for our granddaughter on occasion to stay in there but dd said it's not the same.
Dd is disgusted at the thought and although we thought she'd be surprised, we didn't expect this reaction, especially as we've been ttc for a long time with many losses (which she doesn't know about) but now we are really exited.

I understand this is weird for her because of the age gap but were we right to go ahead if it's what we really want?
This is so upsetting for everyone and I feel so guilty that she feels the way she does.

Ohhh... the "queen is being dethroned"... how dare you have another child bad mother! On a serious note... I think all single kids with no brothers/sisters get royally pissed off when they loose their leading status, it's a natural reaction, I see it around me all the time. Don't worry OP, she'll get used to it and eventually come to terms with the fact she's having a sister and will be over the moon once she's born, she just needs some adjustment.

Your dd is being immature, because she's young. She's also being perfectly normal. If your husband had brought in a new, younger wife, you wouldn't be happy. But, you expect your daughter to be pleased at your having a new, younger child, replacing her when she's left your home and making her precious baby budge up to make room. None of that is reasonable and I expect she'll get over it.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Look forward to your precious, wanted baby.

My grandma was two months younger than her nephew. It worked out ok.

There's also the icky thing that mum and dad have been doing it...

Did you even read the thread at all?

Congrats op 😊

"it's biologically 100% normal and appropriate to feel disgusted at the idea of parents having sex"

@distinctpossibility

You sure about that?

You may be "emotionally" disgusted but not everyone is.

I actually feel sorry for your daughter.

Were you having someone of a 'mid-life' crisis? Most people get a dog. I can't imagine having a baby at 40 if i were already a grandma. That's how she's seeing it and I can see it from her pov. I can almost see if if she didn't already have a baby, but it's almost as if you've said that baby hasn't scratched the itch! You've had to go and make your own again basically putting her baby wayyy down the pecking order in terms of importance to you.

^^ Not saying I agree with all of this, just that I can see why she feels the way that she does.

Its not her business. If my Mum had listened to my two (evil) half sisters when she was a Grandma of 44 and pregnant with me (they were 19 and 21) I wouldn’t be here.

Just don’t leave her alone with the child unless you’re sure she genuinely loves him/her. Speaking from experience.

My sisters never got over it and I haven’t seen either them or their kids since I was old enough to refuse. Which was about 40 years ago. Families, who’d have em.

I completely agree with all of this.

You chose not to tell her that you were ttc or about your losses, of course this was your perogative but you can't moan that she is now shocked that you're pregnant. The thought of you having another baby probably didn't even occur to her. Also her reaction may seem insensitive after your struggle to concieve, but if she had no idea then she won't realise that she should be tactful. Give her time.

She just needs time to get used to the idea OP. It has probably come as a big shock to her.

Congratulations OP!

Of course YANBU to be havjng your baby.

However, just take a while to see it from your DD’s POV.

I was delighted to be able to tell my Mum she was going to be a grandmother, and delighted in the way she developed a special grandparent bond. She was almost sac joyful to be a grandmother as I was to be a mother.

Your Dd might feel that that relationship is now upstaged, that you will be more interested in your new baby than in her and her baby.

Prove her wrong, that you still love her and your grandchild, make sure you put a toddler bed in the bsby’s room, keep up being a grandmother alongside mother.

I am sure she will come round when the surprise wears off.

Wow.

Congrats OP. However, I can understand her being rather horrified. This is completely out of step with the ‘natural order’ of things for her to have a sister who is younger than her own child. . Your daughter will be younger than your grand daughter. I find that a bit strange so I can understand that she does.

Ofc you must continue with your wanted pg. But it must be a huge shock for her so let her acclimatise to this in her own time. I think people are being very harsh to your daughter. I feel sorry for her really.

Objectively, you are not going to be the same level as devoted grandparent compared to if you weren't having your own child. You won't be as emotionally or practically available. And your daughter probably got used to things being the way they were and assumed they would continue.

BUT it's your life and you have every right to have another child. Or do whatever you want, in fact. Move abroad, travel the world, sell your house and spend the money on whatever you desire.

Your daughter is being self-involved and immature. I understand why she is feeling the way she is, but she should have kept her feelings to herself and pretended to be happy for you.

No suggestion the daughter is still at home. In fact as the Ops grandchild has sleepovers occasionally, I would say she definitely isn't!!

Also, I know a family locally where this has happened. The two children (technically uncle and nephew but in reality more like cousins) are very close and have a lot of sleepovers.

Congratulations OP! Hope you have an easy pregnancy, and enjoy the new baby!

It's not really surprising that your daughter has some feelings about this - but ultimately it's up to her to cope. My BiL has a much younger brother and he's never really forgiven him for the fact that their parents had much more resources when his brother was born so he got opportunities my BiL didn't have at that age. It isn't anyone's fault if that happens.

@Isittimeformynapyet not to derail but plenty of psychologists have theorised it's an anti-incest thing, which does make sense to me 💁

My Gran had a nephew two years older than her, and I've known of 3 individual "sets" of uncle/nephew being in the same nursery class (I worked there). My cousin has a 1 year old and an almost 21 year old. My colleague has a 7 year old and a 5 year old grandchild..
This isn't a new or massively unusual thing!

She'll get over it. Let her sulk until she does.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

She’ll get over it. My friend became a big sister at 26, her brother was 29. They were fine and happy for dad and step mum. Both of them ended up having their own children not long after little sister was born now all 3 small children play together and they all take turns helping each other out.

Exactly what i wanted to say as well

How rude! The OP is only 40 and if she wants another baby of her own that’s perfectly fine, a grandchild however much wanted and loved, is not the same. Hopefully the DD will realise she is being silly and support her mother. The children will grow up together, they won’t care about the relationship.

Not all do.

I seen some cry in delight that finally they are "like everyone else" even though their sibling is 15+ years younger than them. 😂

Anyway if the OP lives close to her adult DD then due to the age gap between children they can play with one another. I know a few adults who have one or more older nephews and nieces. They treat them like brother/sister rather than their actual brother/sister.

At the end of the day, it's got to be weird as fuck for her. It's not fair because you are only 40, but there is something about your child's grandparent having a baby that does seem just a bit ick.

At the end of the day, you've done nothing wrong and it's not your daughter's decision, although maybe you should have let her know you were trying.

She'll probably come round, so I'd give her some time and not judge her too harshly for her initial reaction.

Congratulations OP. Hope your pregnancy goes smoothly.

I had a child at 44 and my step children were late twenties when he was born. They’re all very close and get on incredibly well and it’s so funny to see similar character traits developing in the youngest even though he’s never lived with the older two. 😂

Try not to worry about your DD. She probably just needs time to get used to the idea and she might not mellow until she sees that it won’t affect your relationship with her and your granddaughter.

I know this is against the grain but I feel really sorry for her. I imagine she will come round but it must be a huge shock for her. To her you have become grandparent, but now you'll be busy with your own younger baby and will be dealing with nappies and school runs etc of your own.