To have a baby my grown dd doesn't want me to have?

[pebblecity]

I have a 23 year old dd who I had when I was 17, she has a 1 year old who we occasionally have to sleep over in what was her old bedroom.
I am pregnant again now at 40 after years of trying and dh and I are over the moon.

Dd however is not so pleased, we announced our pregnancy after the 12 week scan and she's really upset that her daughter will be 2 years older than ours and that our baby will be eventually in dds old room which our granddaughter sometimes sleeps in if we babysit, the rooms a double and there is still room for our granddaughter on occasion to stay in there but dd said it's not the same.
Dd is disgusted at the thought and although we thought she'd be surprised, we didn't expect this reaction, especially as we've been ttc for a long time with many losses (which she doesn't know about) but now we are really exited.

I understand this is weird for her because of the age gap but were we right to go ahead if it's what we really want?
This is so upsetting for everyone and I feel so guilty that she feels the way she does.

Not a healthy or proportionate reaction, and I would go NC if my mother spoke to me like that.

I'm another one who's looked through the posts and seen op has not defended her daughter, which is a bit strange.

You talk to her and tell her
You are pregnant
You are having a child
These are facts

She can either get behind you or she can act like a self centred brat who thinks tormenting a pregnant woman is appropriate

How the relationship pans out is down to her choices now.

Really??? Glad I don’t live in your restricted world, I’m certainly not the only grandma having a (naturally conceived) child in early 40s and was very common in the past. It really isn’t usually an issue but apparently there seems to be a small cohort of very entitled adult DC about 😕

@StopStartStopoffff course you were 👍

Indeed I was. I still have the documentation that states that, and, thank God, I have the dd who is 41 years old.

You need to grow up.

How does not reacting a certain way make somebody entitled? Giving ultimatums (about the pregnancy) would be an example of controlling or entitled behaviour.

She's entitled to her feelings, and that doesn't make op wrong for having another pregnancy as a once teen mother and someone who has had fertility issues. Good for her. There doesn't have to be a vivid guy and a bad guy.

My eldest child is two years younger than my mums youngest- these overlaps happen. Existing children still aren't compelled to react in the way you deem acceptable. She'll come around in time.

I think your main problem here is communication. As she hasn't known your desire to have another baby or about your struggles and losses (which must have been devestating) she has happily been an only child for all her life and now out of the blue feels like she and her daughter's noses are going to be pushed right out. Yes she's a young adult with her own child but jealousy can hit at any age. I've got 2 big age gaps between our children (our eldest is 30, youngest is 6) and our youngest is younger than 4 of our grandchildren so I know the struggles. I would sit her down and tell her everything, about how long you've tried, the losses and that nothing will change for her and her daughter as you will still be there for them, she will come around in time.

Congratulations on the new baby. Your daughter has been an only child for her whole life. She is reacting as if she is still a child. She is afraid of being pushed out, however she is an adult and needs to deal with it. Being nasty to you is not acceptable. Tell her straight you will not accept this behaviour. Tell her that love does not have limits and her and her daughter will still be loved the same. I can see why she is worried but ber behaviour is not acceptable

I don’t think her daughter’s reaction was to be expected as many older DC feel the complete opposite

But this is a bit more than an older child getting a sibling. This is a young mum with a toddler who now has to get her head around the idea that she's getting a baby sibling who will be 24 years younger than her and nearly two years younger than her own child.

That's a very unusual scenario and not one that most people ever think will happen to them, especially as OP has never given her daughter any inkling that she wants to have another baby.

Cleary jealous, anyway non of her business.

Congratulations 🧸 she needs to grow up and stop behaving like a spoilt brat, enjoy your baby ❤️

I know someone who this happened to.
The older daughter decades on is still bitter.
But the parents are happy. And the younger daughter they had is nice.

Basically, she may always feel that way and project it.
But if you're bringing life into the world that you want to, dont let her opinion stop you!
You're younger daughter will be glad to exist I'm sure!

Its awful that you're other daughter is putting that level of pressure on you.
If she has feelings thats fair to her. But to then impose what she wants onto you is totally not okay.

You do you.

Nothing to do with her. My daughter was 20 when my youngest was born. She wasn’t best pleased I was pregnant but now they have such a close bond, it’s lovely to see.

She is being selfish and jealous. Ignore her reaction, she will come around.

Nah I’m 40 and I have a 22 year old daughter and I also have a 7 year old half brother. Nobody bats an eyelid. My stepmother is 5 years older than me. It’s more common than you think.

@pebblecity you know you're not in the wrong, and you're being very kind about this awful self absorbed reaction from your dd, who is also a mother so should have a lot more understanding of how hurtful the suggestion that this baby is not convenient or ok, is. I think your biggest concern should be, how do you go about instilling more morals in the first DD and strip away the childish entitlement of hers. Good luck and congratulations x

As a grown woman who wants a child and has tried for a while I don’t think you need to explain yourself to anyone. She doesn’t even live under your roof. Congratulations and good luck!

@pebblecity Seems your daughter is upset she won’t have a baby sitter as you’ll be looking after your own new baby.

also sounds like she needs to grow up.

You need to do what you want, she will adjust in time. Maybe if you share with her how hard your journey has been to get to this stage she will understand better? It's not like you have chosen this big an age gap, it has just taken that long to happen for you guys.

Congratulations x

Thing is she may still have a baby sitter. However it is likely to be more mutual care.

Why would her mother having another child make her less likely to be a 'babysitter'? She'll be at home on maternity for a year, not working.

Highly doubt she's upset for that reason. She has a partner of her own. The 1 year old comes 'occasionally'.

People are seriously reaching with this reasoning.

My mum and grandma’s pregnancies overlapped, so my uncle and me were born 7 months apart. We were best friends throughout childhood, and remained extremely close until his death last year.

I imagine the situation caused waves in their family at the time, but people just get on with it eventually.

Congratulations!

I have 5 siblings, the youngest who is 18 months younger than my eldest son. Bit of a shock sure, my dad wasn’t meant to even be able to have any more. But we had a laugh about it and moved on 🤷🏼‍♀️

Imo it’s a disproportionate reaction, but equally only she knows what’s going through her head. I’m wondering if the reason she’s upset goes beyond the reasons she’s given you. Then again, she could just be petty. But’d leave the dust to settle and make it clear the ball is in her court to come and discuss with you when she’s ready.

Of course you were right to go ahead if it's what you want, OP. Your daughter is an adult and will come around - but at the end of the day, even if she doesn't, it's none of her business. I can understand why it will be odd for her that your child will be younger than hers, but that's how it goes sometimes - both of you had your first children very young, so it can and does happen.

Enjoy your pregnancy and give your daughter some space to get used to the idea.

Well, I think the DD’s reaction was entirely predictable. The mother figure she has known all her life is effectively going to disappear, with the grandchild pushed way down the pecking order. She may not have taken it well, but she probably deserves to be cut some slack.

The DD might come to terms with it in time, or she might not. The little ones might bond, or they might not. Either way, OP will have to accept it as the price of her life choices, in the same way that many posters are demanding that the DD come to terms with the new situation.

However, I don’t think the OP is that bothered about preserving the closeness with her elder daughter, judging by the tone of her replies - it all feels a bit ‘out with the old, in with the new’.

I think it's a bit different when there are half-siblings and second marriages involved.