To have a baby my grown dd doesn't want me to have?

[pebblecity]

I have a 23 year old dd who I had when I was 17, she has a 1 year old who we occasionally have to sleep over in what was her old bedroom.
I am pregnant again now at 40 after years of trying and dh and I are over the moon.

Dd however is not so pleased, we announced our pregnancy after the 12 week scan and she's really upset that her daughter will be 2 years older than ours and that our baby will be eventually in dds old room which our granddaughter sometimes sleeps in if we babysit, the rooms a double and there is still room for our granddaughter on occasion to stay in there but dd said it's not the same.
Dd is disgusted at the thought and although we thought she'd be surprised, we didn't expect this reaction, especially as we've been ttc for a long time with many losses (which she doesn't know about) but now we are really exited.

I understand this is weird for her because of the age gap but were we right to go ahead if it's what we really want?
This is so upsetting for everyone and I feel so guilty that she feels the way she does.

I can understand the shock, but her reaction shows how truly immature she still is at the age of 23.

Hopefully, after her new sibling arrives, she'll have a chance to wrap her head around it and have a bit more mature attitude about the entire situation.

It's nothing to do with her age and everything to do with the fact that she's a grandparent who's going to have two children with a 24 year age gap.

Also theres a 17 year age gap between OP and her daughter

There will be a 24 year age gap between DD and sibling.

So she’s closer in age to her mum than her sibling. I imagine that takes a bit of getting your head around!

And I don’t consider that (that = the DD gaining a sibling) to be a problem. Do you?
The OP clearly didn’t.

But her DD evidently does. She should therefore consider that multiple factors lead up to this. One factor being the DD’s choice to be a young mother.

Would you really expect the OP to have put her fertility journey permanently on hold just because her DD made the choice to be a (young) mother?

Personally yes- I do think becoming a grandparent is a good time to consider whether having more babies is a good idea. I think a lot of people, men and women, would see welcoming a grandchild as a good marker to not continue having children. As I put previously- OP could would still be at a generally ‘fertile’ age when her daughter is in her late 20s so her DD being a younger mum isn’t overly relevant.

My ex was the baby you’re going to have. His much older sibling already had a child and was furious that the grandparents would be busy parenting their newborn when they ‘should’ be helping with childcare. The relationship between the parents and older sibling never recovered, cordial at best I’d say. It was really sad because the brother really, really resented my ex and was only civil with his parents (I always found it odd that they were never invited for
xmas or anything… another sibling eventually explained the situation to me).

I genuinely sympathise with her DD being surprised or even shocked if she didn’t know that an other child was (even a remote) possibility.

I understand OP not wanting to discuss pregnancy loss explicitly - seeing as there are different levels of openness and sharing - but if there had been some kind of flow of information…

If OP had asked whether her approach to this whole thing had been unreasonable I would have said “yes, you could have handled this better”.

But I do not believe that OP is unreasonable to have this baby or that she should have ended her fertility journey as soon as her DD got pregnant.

One factor being the DD’s choice to be a young mother.

I genuinely don't know a single person who thinks "I'd better not have a baby in my early twenties in case my mum randomly decides to get pregnant again after 23 years" 🙈

Should the OPs fertility decisions and life be dictated by her DC, whether the DC 3 or 23? Absolutely not, as mother’s we do take these things into account e.g. teenagers being in exam years, waiting until youngest child in nursery (due to illness in pregnancy) etc, all came into consideration when thinking about timing of next baby etc, anything that would affect my capacity as a mother during the time my children were involuntarily dependant on me of course came into the decision. However this DC is a grown woman, she’s already lucky enough to still have her mother and a mother who sounds like a keen grandparent too, she’s entitled to feel how she likes but the OP is not obliged to live her life around her daughter’s preferences

Of course she's not obliged to do anything, but she was incredibly naive to think her daughter would automatically be thrilled at the news.

The whole things irrelevant now isn't it. A baby is already on the way and dd has already stated her stance on the situation.
The most important person in all this which has been overlooked is the baby who should be the priority in all this and as long as he/she is cared for and loved by the parents then that's all that matters.

so this isn’t about the “shock factor” (which you mentioned in a previous comment) but about the fact that OP is a grandmother who is about have a child herself, something you apparently simply disagree with.

I personally think it’s completely understandable that OP didn’t just end her fertility journey (especially after multiple pregnancy losses) simply because her DD had a baby.

And I do not think that a fertile adult woman’s fertility and her right to choose should be controlled by what her DD considers to be an appropriate age gap. Or whether her DD chose to be a mother herself.

Are you really saying its not normal to have a baby at the age of 23. Dont be ridiculous. OP made a choice to be a young mother, her DD is even older than she was. Lets be honest, its OPs decisions that have led to this and no one elses. Should DD have waited 12 more years to have a baby, just incase her DM decided she wasnt done having babies. At the point of having GCs, yes id expect my mum to end her TTC journey. Id do the same for my kids, im not selfish and always put their needs first. Id take the time now to be the GP they need me to be. Its not the Jeremy Kyle show

From OP

Dd is disgusted at the thought

So the DD is simply shocked and maybe made a face or words to the effect of 'etc' most likely. She didn't call her mum 'disgusting'.

Also, the consequences of being a young mum are that your mum might get pregnant when you're 24? Controlling for not being instantly thrilled and supportive of a massive life change and new sibling as an adult? Blaming the DD for being a 'young mother' at an age that 'isn't normal'?

I really don't see how half the stuff on this thread has been extrapolated. Obviously from people who were older mothers and feel defensive, and have never been in the position of an adult with new siblings coming. Most people aren't going to be super happy about it.

That's should be: "To the effect of wtf"

I have siblings close in age to my kids and it was brilliant for them growing up hanging out together.

She’s put out because you won’t be able to give all the love attention and stuff to her and her daughter. This is the bit that needs addressing.

I hope OP has got the validation she needed from this post and feels good about the awful things people have said about her daughter. I could have just missed it but I've not seen OP comment besides thanking people for their comments. For sure I think there is something deeper going on here. Perhaps the mum steals the daughters thunder at each important phase of life. The post is too vague for anyone to give any sort of useful advice.

Of all the terrible upbringings, poverty, abuse, mental health problems, neglect, narcissistic abuse and then ... oh yes your parents having another child!
Absolutely go nc for that one.

I don’t think her daughter’s reaction was to be expected as many older DC feel the complete opposite, my own grown up DC have all been really happy at the news of a new baby sibling as have other adult children I’ve known in similar circumstances. Granted you really never know how a child will react to the news whatever age they are. It’s understandable she’s surprised at her DDs reaction if they’ve been trying to conceive for years and nothing mentioned before. What the OP thought her DDs reaction may be is kind of irrelevant to the main gist of the post as OP is more asking is she’s being unreasonable having gone down this path

Ffs, op said they’ve been trying for a long time with many losses. Also maybe she didn’t meet her baby’s father until her mid 30s? Very normal. They wanted a child together, like many couples of that age. She hasn’t ‘waited until it’s her daughters turn’!

Tell her she's a selfish little brat and you are not asking her permission, you are having your baby and if she doesn't like it, well too bad.

She's not. She's her mother's child and did not expect to have a sibling. That's ok. She doesn't get to decide it's not ok though. It's something that she will have to come to terms with.

@Lookingatthesunset

I think I agree. Depending on the exact reaction it should hopefully be something everyone can move past.

I think in a healthy family relationship the daughter should be able to express that she's a bit surprised/upset etc. But then she needs to make an effort to come around.

And OP is not being unreasonable to want another baby.

Your Dd won't feel like this when your dc arrives.

She is on a new life pathway so are you

This is a good point, im seeing a parent that actually gives a shit about how she feels and regularly babysits her grandchild sounds lovely and helpful so it doesn't sound like she's got it too bad compared to a lot of upbringings.
I'd be grateful to have a loving mum that would do those things.