To have a baby my grown dd doesn't want me to have?

[pebblecity]

I have a 23 year old dd who I had when I was 17, she has a 1 year old who we occasionally have to sleep over in what was her old bedroom.
I am pregnant again now at 40 after years of trying and dh and I are over the moon.

Dd however is not so pleased, we announced our pregnancy after the 12 week scan and she's really upset that her daughter will be 2 years older than ours and that our baby will be eventually in dds old room which our granddaughter sometimes sleeps in if we babysit, the rooms a double and there is still room for our granddaughter on occasion to stay in there but dd said it's not the same.
Dd is disgusted at the thought and although we thought she'd be surprised, we didn't expect this reaction, especially as we've been ttc for a long time with many losses (which she doesn't know about) but now we are really exited.

I understand this is weird for her because of the age gap but were we right to go ahead if it's what we really want?
This is so upsetting for everyone and I feel so guilty that she feels the way she does.

Why do you assume DH isn’t dds dad?🤔

It’s reasonable to assume that new baby’s dad is not the same as daughter’s dad given that otherwise it would mean she’s been with the same person since having a child together at age 17 (not unheard of but unusual) but most importantly to the assumption- they would have taken 23 years to get pregnant with a second child.

Was her baby planned? I suppose that's what you have to expect if you have a baby when your Mum is still at a fertile age. If she would have waited ten years the age gap wouldn't be as close. But for you I think it will be great because if your little one doesn't get a sibling her age she can still play with her niece.

I understand you having a baby and I understand your DDs reaction. It will change your role as mother and grandmother to her family and she’s allowed to struggle with that.

OP wrote:

Thank you for all your kind words and advice.

Other than that post and the other adding the detail that her daughter not only doesn’t live with her but has her own family, she hasn’t written anything that could read that she is thanking people for insulting her daughter. The post directly before that wasn’t insulting her daughter at all if that was the poster she was directing her message to.

I think it’s weird you are choosing to read it that way when OP has only posted three posts in this entire thread.

You've misunderstood and need to read again.

She's not thanking people FOR slagging off the daughter.

But she is thanking the same people who ARE insulting the daughter.

It's weird, and you wonder what the relationship is like. If people were doing that to my dd, I'd say 'hang on a minute, that's not quite right' and maybe add further info to clarify.

All the posters aren’t insulting her daughter though. OP doesn’t need to return to tell posters off for giving their opinions of her situation. It also depends on what one considers insulting.

@Krabappel she literally thanks people for their replys and not all of them are calling out her DD, who by the way is being awful in this scenario imo, so the op probably does feel happy to read she's not in the wrong but I'd guess as it's anonymous and no one knows her dd, that she's not remotely bothered about wasting time correcting people's assumptions about her, unknown to mumsnetters DD 🤷🏼‍♀️

It's just a passing comment and I wasn't the only one who noticed. Op may have decided not to come back as the comments were too overwhelming 🤷‍♀️

Wtf.

your kid is throwing a tantrum over not being an only child…. Just like she would or could at two years old if that’s when you chose to do it.

reassure her she is loved. The baby won’t replace her. This literally used to happen all the time when people had bigger families.

sooo cool that this kid will get a nibbling around their age to ‘sibling’ with on occasion.

congratulations! Being a mom at 40 vs 17 is gonna be soo different and wonderful. Don’t take any shit about your age, very healthy babies and moms and pregnancies happen into 40’s.

sending alll the love and support. Don’t let daughter such a second of joy out of this for you, she’s just being selfish and you have some more parenting to do there. Good luck.

@Krabappel I agree, I think she must've predicted the response and was after a bit of a supportive ear as she feels crap about it and probably has ducked out because the opinions are loud-mine included 🤐. I shouldn't come on here when I'm procrastinating from real life😆

It sounds like she's acting jealous and a little entitled. She wants you to be at her beck and call for free babysitting and doesn't want to share you with a sibling. A couple of my friends didn't have their children until their 40s so it not a dramatically unusual age either. Enjoy your new little bundle, your DD will just have to get used to the idea.

Hopefully, your daughter will come to her senses and become excited about your baby. I think you just caught her by surprise. I hate to say this but hopefully you won’t have a special needs baby. Any baby is a great deal of work but special needs at your age can be really hard. Best of luck to you!

I think anyone would be freaked out in this situation

Your baby will be an aunt or uncle to a niece/nephew who is older than them

Giver her time to come round. She will eventually

Congratulations OP, enjoy this happy time
Tell your DD to grow up, kindly, obviously

She's been the sole child and she's now produced a granddaughter. And now Mum is producing another replacement child!
She's got her hands full with her own child.
You'll have your hands full with your own child.
Of course she's pissed.
Granny won't be devoting her life to grandchild, she'll be up to her armpits changing diapers for her own child.
And awkward, that her half-sister is going to be younger than her daughter.
Were you expecting a better reaction than when 16-year-old you announced you were pregnant for the first time?
You need to have some serious conversations about everyone's roles and expectations.
And especially how you intend to balance being a new mother with being a grandmother.
You and your daughter both need to listen to what the other wants from each other and for each other's respective infants.

I don't think that comment about special needs was necessary! 40 year olds do have healthy babies - I was one of them!

She's going from an only child who could use you any time as a babysitter to loosing all of that. It's jealousy. Just need to reassure her she'll be fine. She should be happy for you. Give her time she'll come round. Maybe the two girls will become besties!

Nope. Overlapping family situations are very common and she's being totally unreasonable.

Does everyone who has a second child produce a replacement for the first?!! Bizarre.

New man(maybe) 23 years later certainly seems like a do over family tbh.

A second child 2/5/10 years later isn’t the same and let’s not pretend it is.

Congratulations, she will get used to it

Personally I totally disagree with you. It may be a relatively unusual dynamic but nothing here screams to me that it can't work out perfectly fine!

In fact I think it could be a lovely bonding thing where both mums rear their children together!

Even if it is a different man (which seems likely) doesn't mean he's some johnny come lately - if the OP has had miscarriages, he's been around for a while.

Do you think the OP should have denied herself the joy of another child? I don't!

You brought her into this world and cared, loved guided her to the point that she’s an adult, but she does not get a say in your life. Rise above, be excited and congratulations ❤️

In which case, she is being extraordinarily selfish and unfeeling - and needs to be told so. She is now an adult (even if she isn't behaving like one!) and needs to realise that the world does not revolve around her and her child.

This really is a situation where the phrase, 'Grow up and stop being such a brat,' definitely is appropriate.