To have a baby my grown dd doesn't want me to have?

[pebblecity]

I have a 23 year old dd who I had when I was 17, she has a 1 year old who we occasionally have to sleep over in what was her old bedroom.
I am pregnant again now at 40 after years of trying and dh and I are over the moon.

Dd however is not so pleased, we announced our pregnancy after the 12 week scan and she's really upset that her daughter will be 2 years older than ours and that our baby will be eventually in dds old room which our granddaughter sometimes sleeps in if we babysit, the rooms a double and there is still room for our granddaughter on occasion to stay in there but dd said it's not the same.
Dd is disgusted at the thought and although we thought she'd be surprised, we didn't expect this reaction, especially as we've been ttc for a long time with many losses (which she doesn't know about) but now we are really exited.

I understand this is weird for her because of the age gap but were we right to go ahead if it's what we really want?
This is so upsetting for everyone and I feel so guilty that she feels the way she does.

My mum was 18 when I was born so was technically still young enough to get pregnant when I had my own child at 25.

I honestly cannot imagine how I’d have felt, being in my 20s married with a baby, with my mum/DC grandmother suddenly announcing she was pregnant, that I was getting a sibling after 20+ years an only child, that my child was about to have a baby aunt/uncle. Honestly I think I would also be completely floored by it. Especially if I had no clue or inkling it was even a possibility that she wanted another baby after 25 years and becoming a grandparent.

She will probably come round in time. But I’m surprised at the amount of posters acting as though she is being evil/awful/vile. Her reaction is human.

Yes, it sounds awful but I have to agree. I’ve only known a couple of people in that situation and they found the whole ‘grandparents having babies’ and ‘auntie/uncle younger than the niece/nephew’ thing really weird and embarrassing. I don’t think it’s something I could do to my own kids even if I wanted another child.

Also Op why have you waited until its your daughters turn to be a mum to get pregnant again?

It is embarrassing. I had many people comment on this when I was younger. I think alot of PPs are probably older mums who are maybe a little offended by the DDs reaction. But its not really about the OPs age in my opinion. Its about the family dynamic and that having more DCs after GCs really isn't the norm at all. OP is free to have kids at any age, but I also think the DD is free to have her own feelings about the situation. She's the one now affected by this very strange family dynamic that I dont think OP has really even considered. DD also may feel its the OP being the jealous one, its DDs time to be the mum and have the babies and maybe she feels OP has taken that from her

There's a lot of nonsense on this thread. OP, you're not an old woman. Many women are trying for their first child at your age, and time after time, MNers congratulate them or offer them moral support. There's no such thing as 'your daughter's turn to be a mum' - by having another baby you aren't taking anything from your dd. You are a fertile, sexually active woman, as is she. It's not unreasonable that you should both have babies.

I find it really interesting to read how many posters seem to find this particularly unusual when it used to be quite common (at least based on my own family tree).

One woman had a daughter when she was 18 (or 16). That daughter has her first child when she’s 18 as well. The mother has a few other children. One is born when she’s 38, 40…

my grandmother was the second youngest of 7. So when her eldest brother became a grandfather she had her first child.

the generational patterns were even more extreme in the case of older widowers getting remarried (to younger wives).

Dh has 2 uncles a couple of years younger than him and it never bothered him, nobody gives it a second thought and they're as close as ever.
Even when he introduced them to me and said these are my uncles, it didn't occur to me that they were his age they were just nice people. Families are all different my dad's sister is 16 years older than him and her children (my cousins) have children my age, I just see them as
cousins.

Yeah, you don't have a clue really, do you? You've taken this as some insult to your age. Nobody cares what age women have babies, we all know it's common for women to start families later.

This particular woman has a grown up child and grandchild. She's entitled get pregnant, but what's the point in chiming in if you're unable to empathise with the daughter here? This isn't about older mothers.

Yeah, you don't have a clue really, do you?
Get over yourself.

This isn't about you being an older mother. Sorry if that hit a nerve, but there's no need to be rude.

But in OPs case she’s had just one child, 23 years ago.

I imagine it would probably be a little bit less of a shock for the DD if OP already had some other small children.

What?
Yes, I was an 'elderly primagravida' - at age 24.
And as for being rude... first take the jot from your own eye. Bet you don't know that, either.

@StopStartStop offff course you were 👍

Which is why you go on an urleated rant about older parents being fertile sexually active women, and find it impossible to empathise with the young mother (the exact same age that you apparently were)

maybe. But that doesn’t seem to be what most commenters are commenting about. It’s about age gaps, the time to be a mother, life stages etc.

I do however think that the surprise - or shock… - could have been avoided if OP and her DH had been a little bit (even just a little bit) more open about their fertility struggles or at least their desire to have an other child.

Its not nonsense though! Have you been in this situation? Because I have, im the GC with aunts younger than me. Its not 'normal' and its not nice being ridiculed as a kid. Its not just my opinion because these are my real feelings and they're valid! Whether you like it or not, there comes a time when you have to accept that maybe you're done having kids. And once you become a GP that time should be now. The OPs age isn't really the issue, its about doing the right thing by the DD and GC that you do have here and now. And yes, its the DDs time to have kids so why does OP feel the need to overshadow that

She's being really immature. I'd be delighted, the kids will be close in age and probably great friends and companions, and you can't buy that kind of lifelong connection.

Congratulations OP. Your dd is still young and still has some childish feelings, but she will get over it.

She isn't being childish at all, the OP had just her for 23 years and is now overshadowing her being a mum by getting pregnant and having another child. It's really weird and her daughter has every right to be hurt and confused.

If we really want to talk about “whose time” it is and whether it’s “fair” to the children we should talk about the choices that lead up to this.

OP’s DD was about 9 years younger than the UK’s average first time mother. She chose to be a young mother. And no, a decade below the national average isn’t “normal” either.

and now she’s finding out that choices come with consequences. it’s okay to be surprised or shocked.
But to call her mother’s pregnancy disgusting? To threaten the grandparent-grandchild relationship just because her mother dared be pregnant? It’s extremely selfish and controlling.

Would you really expect the OP to have put her fertility journey permanently on hold just because her DD made the choice to be a young mother?

This argument doesn't hold any water given that OP herself was a teen mum.

Her DD could not have predicted this.

Biggest congratulations to you!!!

at 23, I must admit, I would be absolutely flabbergasted if my mum had got pregnant. I’m not surprised she is so shocked. It probably is partly jealousy but given as you’ve said she had no idea on your losses and that you were ttc, for her, it’s come out of no where. It must be really strange for her to get her head around, I can understand it.

but don’t let that take away your happiness! She is an adult it isn’t actually her business. Xx

To those saying the daughter should have been made aware they were ttc.
How many people would seriously tell their daughter they were actively trying for a baby? Or want to hear that.
Especially if they've been trying for decades and had several losses.
Are parents allowed no privacy?

I agree with this.
at 23, out of no where, her mum has got pregnant
if the daughter knew of the losses and how much her mum was trying to conceive, she may have been more open and supportive.
Now it’s just a massive shock. She is 23, a lot to get her head round

Predicted? Why would anyone expect her to predict it? She’ll simply have to accept that life doesn’t always turn out as expected. A valuable lesson a 23 yo should have already learnt…

but most importantly:

Would you really expect the OP to have put her fertility journey permanently on hold just because her DD made the choice to be a (young) mother?

OPs DD was a first-time mum at 22, so a good five years older than OP herself was.

Even if DD had her first child in her late 20s her mum is only seventeen years older -so pregnancy would still be a possibility even then.

DD gaining a sibling in her 20s is more to do with the fact OP was such a young mother.