To have a baby my grown dd doesn't want me to have?

[pebblecity]

I have a 23 year old dd who I had when I was 17, she has a 1 year old who we occasionally have to sleep over in what was her old bedroom.
I am pregnant again now at 40 after years of trying and dh and I are over the moon.

Dd however is not so pleased, we announced our pregnancy after the 12 week scan and she's really upset that her daughter will be 2 years older than ours and that our baby will be eventually in dds old room which our granddaughter sometimes sleeps in if we babysit, the rooms a double and there is still room for our granddaughter on occasion to stay in there but dd said it's not the same.
Dd is disgusted at the thought and although we thought she'd be surprised, we didn't expect this reaction, especially as we've been ttc for a long time with many losses (which she doesn't know about) but now we are really exited.

I understand this is weird for her because of the age gap but were we right to go ahead if it's what we really want?
This is so upsetting for everyone and I feel so guilty that she feels the way she does.

she's really upset that her daughter will be 2 years older than ours

I would have thought that that might be the reason that she has reacted badly.

A sibling younger than her own child.

Some of these comments are a bit strong. Don't think the daughter considers her a free babysitter at all and it's alot to get your around. She might even think its weird to have a niece older than the aunty.

Was it OP's intention for the commenters to rip her daughter a new one. Because its a bit unfair.

I knew a family on my street where the niece was older than their aunty and loads of other kids commented on it. The person saying this is an assessment of your own family is just being nasty to get a reaction. As do most on this site.

Because I'm quite a jealous nature I would probably react the same way as your daughter & feel weirded out by it, but then I'd probably get over it and be excited and view the baby as another wonderful part of the family. People are saying your daughter needs to grow up but it hasn't got anything to do with age. All people feel differently in different situations and feeling Jealous is a very normal human emotion. For example I'm 41 now and my best friend of many years made a new friendship a couple of years ago and they started hanging out all the time. I felt jealous and I'm not ashamed to admit it. It's A normal feeling and you have to understand it from her point of view and just support her with her feelings. She will get over it and by the time baby arrives she will be happy and excited and that baby will be spoilt by her I'm sure xx

Just wanted to jump on and say congratulations.

I truly hope your daughter will come around soon. It must have been so hard to have years of trying and now have such wonderful news.

When things have settled, perhaps you can explain how difficult your journey has been but you tried to protect her from it.

I have to disagree. Your comment is flippant. The worst thing she could do is ignore her daughters feelings in all of this. This is her daughter. Her feelings shouldn't be ignored but rather explored and discussed and validated. Feeling jealous is a very normal human emotion, and just because you wouldn't feel upset in this situation, doesn't mean she can't feel upset. This is a new situation for her daughter. She's been the only child for 23 yrs and had mums undivided attention, and I'm sure now she has a daughter of her own, expected her mum to be there to spend as much quality time with her grandaughter. I'd be utterly shocked if my mum came to me after 23 yrs and said "I'm pregnant".

Yes, agreed @Kitkat1982 that I was flippant. So many PPs had already explained it properly. I was trying to convey (badly) that I am shocked that a 23 yo leading a proper adult life can have the utter insensitivity and immaturity to discourage her mother from continuing with a pregnancy.

She has been an only child for 23 years and now is probably worried about being an outsider with a new baby coming, especially if your DH isn't her dad.
She may also be worried that you won't be able to babysit for her.
Does she need you for childcare while she works or is it is just a social thing.

Let the inital shock calm down and let her know how she's made you feel.
Also let her know that she'll never be replaced and she will also be as much part of the family as your new baby.

Finally CONGRATULATIONS!

Wow the replies here are bizarre! So much hate for the daughter! She's having an emotional reaction to an unusual situation. She'll likely get over it in a bit. However old she's still the OP's child and for all the people saying she's spoilt and wicked - do you think anyone wants to hear that about their child? It's so OTT!

OP, give her some time, space, all the facts, talk about all the benefits of having young kids together. If your relationship was strong beforehand I'm sure it will be okay.

Of course they have.

She's spent her entire life as an only child and now she's adjusting to becoming a mother, she's got to come to terms with having a sibling younger than her own child. I suspect most of the people saying she needs to "get over it" wouldn't be quite so blase if they were in her shoes.

So? That doesn't mean she's not allowed to be shocked and upset.

I moved out at 22 and was an only child. If I was a parent to a toddler at that age my mum had announced she was having another baby I wouldn't know what to think!

So if you dont live with your parents, they die, you have no right to be sad because you are an adult living your life? Just because she does not live with her Mum does not mean she does not have a bond with her which will completely change now.

To me it totally reads the mum had a kid when she was very young and now lives with a different man and they have a new baby together.

Selfish girl. At 23 she really needs to grow up. I’d expect this kind of behaviour from a 15 year old but she’s a grown woman that should be happy for her mum.

Let me guess - before you became pregnant you doted on your granddaughter, probably doing more than you should?

Your daughter needs to grow up and be happy for you 🤷‍♀️

I'm sorry but your DD is just gonna have to grow up and suck it up. My DH has 3 grown up daughters from his 1st marriage who are 37,35,32 and then our DS who is 6yrs. His oldest DD has 2 children who are 15yrs and 10yrs and his youngest DD has 2 children who are 10yrs and 5yrs so my DH has 3 grandchildren who are older than our DS. This is just what happens with 2nd chance families.

I’m old! But I too am shocked by such a vitriolic bitchy pile on. Where is the empathy?

Young mother finds her own mother ‘starting again’ (in her mind). Of course she’s going to be a bit displaced and upset. Just because she’s 23 doesn’t mean anything. She’s known her mum as one solid stable support all those years, and now that’s gone.

She may be feeling a mix of anger, jealousy, disappointment, grief and anxiety about her role and future in of this. I really feel for her.

Nothing to do with her. I'm guessing she's worried that the babysitting etc will stop for her.

THIS. This thread is so upside down. Somebody even called her wicked. I had to reread the OP and check the DD wasn't actually King Herod.

Truly bonkers. A young mother has just found out her mum is having her (half?) sister. Of course she's not thrilled rigjt off the bat, fuck me!

Willing to get if it WAS a 15 year old, you'd still call her selfish and whatnot... so...

Sorry I have to go against the grain here and agree with your DD. Might get alot of stick but couldnt care, I am that girl who has aunts younger than her and its WEIRD so I get her reaction!! Its not about jealousy at all. When my mum started having kids I feel like that shouldve been the time for my grandad to say OK maybe im done now. But, NOPE, he had 3 more kids and now I have 3 aunts younger than me!!! I know someone who was actually pregnant at the same time as her DD, people looked at them like the clampits. Sorry but my opinion if youre becoming GPs then id accept my child bearing days were over. Iv had 3 miscarriages so understand the longing for more but still couldn't put my kids through this. Sorry OP. Its done now though, so im sure your DD will come round

Well, I had my daughter in my early 40s and I completely agree that the daughter's mixed/negative feelings about this are understandable. I also understand why OP wants to have a baby, but I don't think the "she's lost her babysitter" "she's entitled" "she's awful" comments really take on board just how confusing this situation must be for her older daughter (and possibly later on her granddaughter).

She's got every right to be upset, she's allowed to feel however she feels, most siblings are affected by another sibling but that doesn't mean she gets a say anymore than she'd get a say in a sibling 2 years younger that she hated and wished she didn't have.
You can love all your children but they don't have to love each other.
Maybe her dd will be jealous and upset if she has another and she'll deal with that at the time but being 23 doesn't give her anymore leverage than a jealous sibling of 5.

I agree, the op has ruined the dynamic most daughters have with their daughter and taken away a lot of the expectations she would've had of this chapter of her life.