To have a baby my grown dd doesn't want me to have?

[pebblecity]

I have a 23 year old dd who I had when I was 17, she has a 1 year old who we occasionally have to sleep over in what was her old bedroom.
I am pregnant again now at 40 after years of trying and dh and I are over the moon.

Dd however is not so pleased, we announced our pregnancy after the 12 week scan and she's really upset that her daughter will be 2 years older than ours and that our baby will be eventually in dds old room which our granddaughter sometimes sleeps in if we babysit, the rooms a double and there is still room for our granddaughter on occasion to stay in there but dd said it's not the same.
Dd is disgusted at the thought and although we thought she'd be surprised, we didn't expect this reaction, especially as we've been ttc for a long time with many losses (which she doesn't know about) but now we are really exited.

I understand this is weird for her because of the age gap but were we right to go ahead if it's what we really want?
This is so upsetting for everyone and I feel so guilty that she feels the way she does.

"I focussed on the fact that kids are cruel and parents are worse"

A sad assessment. Where did you learn this if not from your own family?

Congratulations, @pebblecity.

Your daughter will get over it, I hope.

"All very close in age, db17 year 12, ds16 year 11, dbro13 is year 9 dd11 year 6 & dsis 10 year 5."

🤯! @Mindovermatter247 you've hurt my brain! 🫨

From kids at school who laughed at the fact my nephew was older than me? From their parents who made snide remarks. Not my family. Learn how to read - was literally all in my original post.

She should feel guilty that she's feeling this way, not you! Unfair of her

Agree this may be more to do with losing a babysitter

Can people really not understand that this is a huge shock for her emotionally, as it would be for the vast majority of people in her situation?

The "losing a babysitter" line is so flippant.

No I can't.

She's still an adult - and one with a child of her own at that - capable of understanding that she doesn't own her parents, that telling her mum that she can't have children is totally unacceptable regardless of whether she likes it or not and that selfishly thinking that her daughter has 'grandparent rights' that trump her mother's own life choices and agency.

She might be unhappy. That's fine. But the one thing as an adult she doesn't do, is throw a juvenile tantrum and guilt trip at her mother for daring to have sex and her own life after her daughter has left home.

It's appalling. The OPs post is about whether it's ok for her to have another child, because her daughter has done that much of a number on her.

The adult daughters selfishness is so great it's shocking. She's demonstrated absolutely no self control or self awareness. She's an adult not a ten year old. She doesn't live at home and she has her own life.

And honestly if she was looking to her mother providing all the child care then wow. If she's jealous of her mother, then wow. If she thinks her mother is trying to compete with her then wow. All of this is her problem. Not the OPs.

The OP is 40. It's NORMAL to have children at 40. In the past it was normal to have 20 year old kids who were having babies whilst you were still popping them out.

This madam needs to get the fuck over herself. Psychological shock? Really no. See my above point. This is selfish and she thinks she should have soul rights to her mother and her mother should not have her own life after having her. It's ageist to boot. She thinks her mother's entire life should revolve around her. Still. When she's in her twenties. It's about time she grew the fuck up.

Of course I can understand that. I have relevant experience. What's not acceptable is taking it out on your DM instead of taking responsibility for your emotions in your mid 20s. With the details added it sounds more like she's upset about losing a babysitter.

Having a baby at 40 is fairly normal, I never said otherwise. And I never said the OP had done anything wrong.

It is very unusual to get a new baby sibling when you're a mother yourself. She is reacting with shock and confusion as it has come out of the blue, and people calling her vile and selfish are just being ridiculous and very unfair in my book.

I'm sure she will come around before long, but expecting her to welcome the news with glee from the get go is very naive!

Again, I truly don't believe that most of the posters attacking her would have been jumping for joy to find themselves in this situation at 23.

The sensible thing is to talk things through and give her time to get her head around it, not go on the attack.

Congratulations.

Whilst it is a slightly unusual situation for your DD to find herself in, I think she is being a bit selfish here.

Perhaps you should explain how much you wanted this baby and how thrilled you are and she might think differently. It feels like she is just thinking about how this affects her and your ability to look after her baby.

my friend had two friends in her baby group, and they were a mother and daughter, both having a baby the same time.

She has only just found out about it, be fair.

I'm amazed people think her first reaction is unusual. She has been blindsided and needs time to come to terms with it.

She is still young at 23 too.

I’ve got over a 25 year gap between my eldest and youngest, so thankful the older ones not had this attitude. She’s being very selfish and unfair on you, you sound like a great mother and grandma.

Diddums. She's a grown adult with her own child and needs to accept she isn't the center of the universe.

I'm the daughter in this situation.

Parents had me as teens, they were a bit shit and my grandparents helped a LOT.
Both parents remarried younger people when I was in my teens and then continued to have children (in their late thirties) when I was in my twenties.

I had kids in my twenties and obviously my parents were not engaged or helpful grandparents, they were too busy comparing my kids to theirs.

I adore my grandchildren and and my younger siblings' kids and have a very active part in their lives.

My dad actually beat his second batch kids, he was grumpy old man when they hit their teens and has nothing to do with them now.

My mum is too frail to be a useful grandparent to her younger grandchildren.

Grandparenting is wonderful, a completely different relationship to parenting.

My parents decided to forgo that as they wanted to pander to their younger spouses.

So, yes, can understand the daughter being pissed - wonder how much help the mum had from her parents?

Your Daughter is behaving badly, she needs to learn that the world doesn't revolve around her. Congratulations on your pregnancy. X

Sorry that happened to you.
However, your parents being shit doesn't mean that applies to all. My parents used to smack me, and my brothers. There is less than 4 years total between us.
I have no desire to have them anywhere near my kids, not should you want yours near yours if they are so awful.

Grandparents aren't for being 'useful'. That implies some sort of obligation. No one has to be a useful grandparent.

In OP's case, it sounds more as if she is still with the father of her first child but has suffered secondary infertility. Which is a completely different scenario to having a second family with a different partner.

Congratulations, I'm about your age with a daughter same age as yours , she has no children and still lives at home. She would not like if I had a baby but she'd get used to it and it's not really her choice to make. Is she afraid your focus will be pulled from your granddaughter?

Diddums. She's a grown adult with her own child and needs to accept she isn't the center of the universe.

It's nothing to do with her being the "centre of the universe" and everything to do with her world being turned upside down.

That doesn't really wash when she's an adult and living with her partner and child in her own home! Yes, it might be a mild annoyance but no one has turned her world upside down.

@lifebeginsaftercoffee

ridiculous hyperbole! She doesn’t even live with op!

If she is upset at the prospect of losing a babysitter its a bit odd. I found having a younger child myself meant i was staying in anyway so would have my grandchildren to stay too. If I hadnt my youngest Id probably have been off out. So on the contrary it should benefit her in those terms. Also give the children someone to play with like cousins getting together. Sounds like a win win once she sorts her strop out.

Congratulations on your new LO
I agree with what others have said, DD is just jealous. She's been your only child and now she will need to share you. But she needs to grow up. This isn't about her. This isn't about what she wants. It's your life, your decision. And she should be happy for her parents. I get that she may be weirded out. But to say she doesn't want you to keep her LB/LS is beyond immature. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Especially at such an exciting time.There is plenty of room in the house, and love to give. She'll eventually come around. Congrats again

Wow some of the responses on here are outrageous. Your children remain your children even at 23 and to call them spiteful etc over her response to a new baby makes you sound worse than the 23 yr old. She might have spoken out of turn but a demented ott response wont help anyone.

She's an adult with her own home and baby. The main effect this will have on her is that her mother may not be able to babysit when she's heavily pregnant, giving birth or has her own baby to take care of. I imagine the ops dd is mainly worried about how this will affect her social life.