To have a baby my grown dd doesn't want me to have?

[pebblecity]

I have a 23 year old dd who I had when I was 17, she has a 1 year old who we occasionally have to sleep over in what was her old bedroom.
I am pregnant again now at 40 after years of trying and dh and I are over the moon.

Dd however is not so pleased, we announced our pregnancy after the 12 week scan and she's really upset that her daughter will be 2 years older than ours and that our baby will be eventually in dds old room which our granddaughter sometimes sleeps in if we babysit, the rooms a double and there is still room for our granddaughter on occasion to stay in there but dd said it's not the same.
Dd is disgusted at the thought and although we thought she'd be surprised, we didn't expect this reaction, especially as we've been ttc for a long time with many losses (which she doesn't know about) but now we are really exited.

I understand this is weird for her because of the age gap but were we right to go ahead if it's what we really want?
This is so upsetting for everyone and I feel so guilty that she feels the way she does.

Firstly huge congratulations!
and these days 40 isn’t that old for a lot of peoples first baby/quite normal. Very sorry you’ve had this reaction and hopefully she’ll come around when she’s worked out she’s just pissed as she thinks she’ll lose childcare and your new child will have a different upbringing to her.

I mean that’s one way to lose your daughter 😂

not many women who’ve had children at 17-23 want more at 40. That’s your whole life just parenting children and teenagers kinda sad personally
but the heart wants what it wants I guess.

Your daughter is being ridiculous. She needs to act her age. Your pregnancy is none of her business. Tell her to get over herself and enjoy your new baby.
Congratulations xx

I agree.

Anyone old enough to raise a kid should also be mature enough to know when to bite their tongues. This is one of those situations when the right thing to do is utter some sort of congratulations, then go away to process your feelings.

You don't blurt out a bunch of 'me me me' stuff in response to news like this unless you are in fact a bit selfish and entitled - even if there are valid feelings underpinning that.

I think the title of this thread is a bit misleading and could be what some of these angry posters are reacting to? So many people barely read the actual posts on here.

The title gives the impression that the DD is actively encouraging OP not to have the baby, but that doesn't seem to be the case. She's just shocked and upset which is completely natural.

One PP said the DD was effectively asking OP to have an abortion, but that's not the case.

I can't think why else people are so vitriolic, other than having limited emotional intelligence.

I can understand why it feels confusing for her if you have a baby that is younger than her baby. However that's no excuse to be rude, nasty and selfish.

With this in mind, I might meet fire with fire and say: to be clear, are you asking me to kill my baby? And see if she realises what a monstrous attitude she has been displaying.

We have huge age gaps with our youngest sister. Spoilt rotten by all of us.

It absolutely did change the dynamics in the family though and i understand her being concerned about that. Its not selfish to worry. I'd also be very clear about any future expectations regarding her and the sibling should anything happen etc.

And literally the very next poster makes my point for me...

OP, you're making a new little nuclear family that she can't be a child in, she's not been in any way prepared for this, and it means there will literally be no room for her or her child in your house once the baby's arrived.

Try to listen to the fears and sadness underneath what she's saying and respond to them, rather than rising to the surface bait.

Don't accuse her of asking you to kill your baby

Of course you're right to have your own baby.

However, if you want to maintain a good relationship with her then talk it through. Don't downplay any of her feelings but make it clear the baby is happening and its what you want.

@iwafs
With this in mind, I might meet fire with fire and say: to be clear, are you asking me to kill my baby?
Oh good grief, talk about going from zero to a hundred! OPs DD not saying that at all

Agreed...Oh well, out with the old, and in with the new, eh.... Let's start over with a new kid in middle age with ''new'' man, and sack off the 23 yr old.

That's what it sounds like.

A friend was at a funeral recently , and there were two ''new'' younger children, one of the parents had died, and unbelievably the Vicar didn't even mention the older child {a young adult} just wittered on about the ''loss'' to the ''Two children''...NO, there are THREE children! but so often in new relationships, the older one gets shoved out.

Absolutely not her choice, and if that’s the only reason she doesn’t want you to have a child then she’s defo worried about the family dynamic, you’ll have to talk it through with her. Age isn’t an issue, my dad had 3 more kids when I was older, my 2 youngest siblings, are younger than my son, and dd is older than the youngest. All very close in age, db17 year 12, ds16 year 11, dbro13 is year 9 dd11 year 6 & dsis 10 year 5. I think it will be good for gc to have an aunt or uncle in close age gap.

True, impressive was probably not the right word

But OP was 17 having her first baby, whilst her daughter was 22. Obviously 22 is still young but completely different to 17 imo.

Agreed...Oh well, out with the old, and in with the new, eh.... Let's start over with a new kid in middle age with ''new'' man, and sack off the 23 yr old.

Good grief. We're not talking about a child, we're talking about an adult woman raising her own child. When you move out and start your own family, you don't get to dictate what your parents do next.

And yes, I have been there, unfortunately the baby did not come to be but the idea was met with excitement, and a new member of the family would have been welcomed and loved. This woman is only thinking of herself, at any age that's gross.

Gosh she is being very bratty. I hope she apologises to you quickly so this doesn't ruin the pregnancy.

Dd will be fine once the shock is over.
It will be like the 1800s when many families had a child around the same age as their first grandchild.
It will be fun.
I would make sure your grand daughter had some special toys/things from her mother preserved, though.
Photos of your first duaghter still on show etc.

Good luck, enjoy it all

I was literally going to say this. You say she wasn’t aware of your losses so therefore probably had no idea you were trying for another baby. This is a very large age gap and she has probably got used to the dynamic you have now, particularly now that she has a child of her own and you are a grandmother.

She is not asking you to “kill” your baby. But OP she is also still your baby. Albeit grown up. Please try and be compassionate to her and try and see this from her side. It is likely once she is over the shock she will calm down but you must appreciate what big news this is and she is naturally worried it will change the whole family dynamic and your relationship with her and your grandchild.

I think it's time, once she's calmed down, to talk to her about your journey to get here, especially as she may experience similar along the track. She's a grown adult and a mother. Maybe being included in that conversation would help her.

But regardless of all that, congrats OP!

Congrats OP. I think your DD is just shocked, my mum is around the same age and I think I would be shocked too if she declared she was pregnant considering she’s a grandma to 6 😅

the dynamic will be different now, you’ll no longer be ‘grandma’ you’ll be ‘new mum’ and be completely wrapped up in that, that must be hard for her considering she probably hopes for a close grandparent relationship for her DD.

Congratulations!!!

Yes, you were right to do this and no, you have no reason to feel guilty whatsoever.

Perhaps your daughter could send you a link to the Act of Parliament which says that only she is allowed to have a child right now?

That's the spirit @PersephonePomegranate23! 😂🤣

How long have you worked in family therapy?

This

Give her time . She is being very unfair . My oldest is almost 20 years older than my last and step son is 21 years older than her . They grew used to it .
Maybe she need a reminder from a 3 rd party that you still love her and your grandchild and that you stood by her when her child was born and she should do the same . She is old enough to realise families have lots if forms and shapes