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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a baby my grown dd doesn't want me to have?

535 replies

pebblecity · 18/03/2024 11:43

I have a 23 year old dd who I had when I was 17, she has a 1 year old who we occasionally have to sleep over in what was her old bedroom.
I am pregnant again now at 40 after years of trying and dh and I are over the moon.

Dd however is not so pleased, we announced our pregnancy after the 12 week scan and she's really upset that her daughter will be 2 years older than ours and that our baby will be eventually in dds old room which our granddaughter sometimes sleeps in if we babysit, the rooms a double and there is still room for our granddaughter on occasion to stay in there but dd said it's not the same.
Dd is disgusted at the thought and although we thought she'd be surprised, we didn't expect this reaction, especially as we've been ttc for a long time with many losses (which she doesn't know about) but now we are really exited.

I understand this is weird for her because of the age gap but were we right to go ahead if it's what we really want?
This is so upsetting for everyone and I feel so guilty that she feels the way she does.

OP posts:
knittingball · 18/03/2024 20:29

Lookingatthesunset · 18/03/2024 20:23

I had a baby at 40, my 3rd. It was perfectly fine. I also worked full-time.

Show quote history

Good for you.
My sister had a baby at 40 im not against it i just wouldent want to do it.
And we both work full time.

andforthatminuteablackbirdsang · 18/03/2024 20:30

Devonshiregal · 18/03/2024 16:27

People are being so mean about your daughter. And it’s really nice that you love and care about her feelings.

You are HER mum. You’ve now, after 23 years said you’re having another her…another child…another baby. Why would she be excited by this?

  • Shes used to having you to herself.
  • She knows that babies take all the focus as she has one herself.
  • She associates babies with her baby and therefore will know the love you will feel for that baby. She won’t recognise that as being the love you have for her because you just don’t give older children the same “love” we give very little children
  • she knows how much time and attention they take
  • she was the centre of everything - you’d moved into grandma role and she’s the one with the child (and all the attention and specialness that brings)
  • she imagined she’d given you the most special thing when she made you a grandmother, only for you to turn around and have your own “more important” baby which trumps hers
  • depending on dad, she’s worried you are going to be a little family without her
  • youre essentially having a whole new family life without her (it will feel like this)
  • youre not going to be putting her child first so he’ll miss out on grandma because you will be too busy running around after your own child
  • her child will have to deal with the weirdness that comes from having an aunt younger than them (obviously this doesn’t matter irl but she’s going to think it’s gross)
  • she doesn’t see you as a young woman. She sees you as a mum. And therefore it is your job to support her and be there for her as she has children etc. It’s not your job to have little kids of your own.
  • the idea of your mum having sex or giving birth is pretty gross too so that adds to it. It’s your mum you know

*this is just what she will feel, not necessarily reality.

she’s jealous as fuck and it doesn’t matter whether it’s right or wrong it’s how she feels and you’re likely going to hear about it.

to be honest I can’t imagine anyone wouldn’t feel threatened or jealous. Yes she’s an adult but basically what it feels like is oh you’re an adult now, I want a shiny, new baby to play with.

How come you didn’t tell her about the miscarriages? Or tell her you were trying? This will be a total shock and though you’re there feeling injured by her reaction because of all you’ve been through, she has no idea so won’t even have a slight filter on what she says. If you don’t tell her how can she understand how you feel? Or feel any sympathy?

anyway, no you’re not doing the wrong thing having a baby. She is an adult as are you and she needs to get over it but definitely don’t push her.

if anything I’d do exactly what you’d do with a jealous 5 year old - up what you’re doing for her and her son. Don’t only have him occasionally. Find ways to put him in a special position as your grandson that will work even when the baby is here. She’ll get over it but it might take time

do enjoy your pregnancy though. You deserve to

Edited

OP - of all the responses to your post, Devonshire's is the one I'd listen to. Take this time to show your daughter what she means to you, and what your grandchild means to you. Invest in these relationships as much as you can over the next few months - while you still can. Tell her the truth about all the years of TTC. Admit that your younger child will have a much more comfortable childhood than she did. Acknowledge that your relationship with her will change, but hope that it will get closer, rather than more distant.

I come from a family with many big gaps - 16, 18 years, not quite 23, but still. It takes a matriarch to hold that sort of thing together. Be that matriarch - show the way forward.

Marchingonagain · 18/03/2024 20:30

i don’t think your daughter is just upset at losing a free babysitter. She may be feeling childish and responding in an immature way but you love her and presumably want to understand where she’s coming from. She’s probably feeling a bit jealous and insecure. Definitely not unreasonable to have the new baby but also just give your DD lots of reassurance of how much you love her and your DGD and that won’t change

NicholJO · 18/03/2024 20:32

Congratulations op I can understand your dd being shocked but she should be happy for you. I have 7 children age range from 27 to 4 years I only have the 2 youngest at home my 9 and 4 year old my elder children say they feel more like a auntie to my youngest due to the age gap I also have 6 grandchildren younger and older then my 2 youngest when they want a babysitter they still expect me to do it but more recently I have told them im a mother first then I'm granny if I have the energy at the end of the week I babysitt
Good luck

AntonineWall · 18/03/2024 20:33

PersephonePomegranate23 · 18/03/2024 19:24

Tell her to fuck off. We're you disappointed or dusgusted when she had a baby at 21 or 22?

If you want to completely alienate your DD, take this sort of advice. Just don't be surprised when she does fuck off.

What a lot of individualist narcissists there are on mumsnet tonight. OP and her DD have been a family for all of the DDs life. This is a huge change. Hopefully OP will take the more considered responses on board and the two of them will adjust to the dramatically different dynamic of the new family.

alpenguin · 18/03/2024 20:34

Congratulations OP.
There’s 23 years between myself and my youngest sibling and we are the closest out of all of us. I was also in a high school class with a girl whose aunt was two years below us and they were the best of friends. It needn’t be a bad thing, your daughter just needs to grow up and concentrate on her own family now.

crazyaginglady · 18/03/2024 20:34

She just needs to adjust. She is still a young adult and a new mum and the age gap is unusual. Your new baby will have a niece who is younger than her! To be honest, if my mum said she was pregnant soon after me having a baby when I had no idea she was planning that I’d be a bit thrown too but she’ll come round.

Congratulations to you and your husband, it sounds like a was rough getting here. Roll your eyes and let her get over it, I’m sure all will be well.

LuckySantangelo35 · 18/03/2024 20:44

Letsjustswoosh · 18/03/2024 19:45

It’s a very odd situation and I’m not surprised your DD has reacted this way. I’d also be gutted if my DM had my sibling decades later, especially if I’d just become a mum myself. The thought of having a young child at the same time as my DM really creeps me out.

@Letsjustswoosh

does it? Why?

Motherofsnakes · 18/03/2024 20:45

If my Mum was 40 when I was 23 and I was an only child, I would have written off the idea of baby sitting help anyway as I would assume she would be busy working and spending week ends etc her own way. To be honest even in my friend group where parents are 50s/60s, only a couple have regular help because of this.

Congratulations. I'm sure it will all work out well.

redalex261 · 18/03/2024 20:45

Congratulations! Your daughter will get over it, probably a bit of a shock and the last thing she expected. If she carries on being sulky, ask her what her issue is, explain you’ve been trying for ages and had losses. As a parent herself she should be mature enough to see things from your perspective.

StaunchMomma · 18/03/2024 20:49

Wow. That's quite some entitlement on DD!

I'm sure you know she's being a dick, OP.

Rather than feeling guilty (I mean, wtf? WHY would you feel bad about this?!) try asking yourself why your DD is so put out by it.

Then remind her the World does not revolve around her ass.

LuckySantangelo35 · 18/03/2024 20:51

Motherofsnakes · 18/03/2024 20:45

If my Mum was 40 when I was 23 and I was an only child, I would have written off the idea of baby sitting help anyway as I would assume she would be busy working and spending week ends etc her own way. To be honest even in my friend group where parents are 50s/60s, only a couple have regular help because of this.

Congratulations. I'm sure it will all work out well.

Exactly!!

DirectionToPerfection · 18/03/2024 20:53

I really don't think the DD's issue is around babysitting 🙄

Msmbc · 18/03/2024 20:55

If you want her to come around and be happy about it then the last thing you should do is tell her she's being ridiculous and the first thing you should do is try to figure out where these feelings are coming from. Doesn't matter how unreasonable someone is being, if you want to fix a conflict you have to try to understand them. Feelings have nothing to do with reason anyway! If only we could reason our way out of feelings, but we can't.

Ask her why she's feeling the way she's feeling, tell her how you're feeling and why, listen to each other properly and I'm sure you'll end up in a much better place, eventually with her happy and even excited for you.

PillowPrincess69 · 18/03/2024 20:56

Your body, your choice.

Sorry she's making you feel guilty.

NiceNiche · 18/03/2024 20:58

Give her time, I think she will come round.

I think that once she gets over the shock, knowing her child will grow up along side another, is rather lovely.

My father had an uncle that was younger than him. My dad loved it as, strangely for those times, my father was an only child, and his uncle was like a brother. Due to lack of contraception, it wasn’t all that unusual then, families regularly had children that would span 25+ years, with the older ones having children before their parents had stopped reproducing.

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 18/03/2024 20:58

I'm really surprised at how many people think it's selfish of a 23 year old with her own child to be upset about this. It doesn't mean OP's not entitled to have another child. But of course it's massively disorienting for an adult child to find out that she's going to have a sibling who will be younger than her own child. It's not remotely realistic to expect anything else. This needs to be handled by OP with sensitivity and a willingness to listen, not by issuing some mad ultimatum along the lines of "pretend you're ecstatic or bugger off"

iwishiwasonacruise · 18/03/2024 21:03

Your daughter does sound like she's being a bit of a princess, and I'm sure she'll get over the shock after a while, but just from another point of view, my mum and dad divorced when I was 15. Then ten years later my dad met someone that was my age, and they proceeded to have two children at the exact same time that I had my two children. I will say that my dad is not a grandad to my children AT ALL... he has two kids the same age, so why would he be, where is the novelty? It is a shame for my children, but it is what it is. I'm not saying you will be like this, but maybe it's what your daughter is afraid of.

Motherofsnakes · 18/03/2024 21:08

DirectionToPerfection · 18/03/2024 20:53

I really don't think the DD's issue is around babysitting 🙄

I think what I and a few others mean is because of what the OP has mentioned about the daughter being upset about the bedroom being used for the baby rather than her own child. Does seem something there's an issue with.

wateringcanface · 18/03/2024 21:18

I think people are being harsh on the daughter.

If I was her age and found out my mum was pregnant, I'd feel sad, I'd feel as if I was watching my childhood slip away while she replaces that experience with another, I'd greive the relationship that I had, or wanted to have with my mother as an adult, her life is all going to be baby focused. I'd selfishly feel like my moment to be the mother and to have the baby in the family was over shadowed. Whether these feelings are right or wrong is irrelevant, give her time to make sense of it rather than expecting her to jump for joy over news which has quite clearly thrown her.

OhmygodDont · 18/03/2024 21:19

Motherofsnakes · 18/03/2024 21:08

I think what I and a few others mean is because of what the OP has mentioned about the daughter being upset about the bedroom being used for the baby rather than her own child. Does seem something there's an issue with.

Show quote history

Indeed. I have a feeling though the bedroom
thing was the kindest thing the daughter could say rather than telling her pregnant mother she feels their entire relationship and that with her granddaughter will now never be the same.

bedroom actually seems kinder.

TextureSeeker · 18/03/2024 21:21

Motherofsnakes · 18/03/2024 21:08

I think what I and a few others mean is because of what the OP has mentioned about the daughter being upset about the bedroom being used for the baby rather than her own child. Does seem something there's an issue with.

Show quote history

It seems far more likely that the dd feels she is being written out of the family. She feels insecure about where this new baby will leave her and her daughter. She may be an adult but that doesn't mean that she stops wanting to feel like she has a place in the family. We don't know the history there, the OP has been really brief with her fee replies. Maybe this has dredged up old feelings she has of not belonging, not being loved, being replacable, feeling about how her grandparents treated her etc

MeridianB · 18/03/2024 21:22

Her attitude is vile. She’s possibly jealous or just upset about losing free babysitting but it’s such an immature reaction and I totally understand why you’re upset. Ignore her and enjoy every moment of your much-wanted pregnancy 🌺

Motherofsnakes · 18/03/2024 21:23

Yeah I get that...I am quite literal sometimes so was thinking of the bedroom comment but there is like you say a deeper relationship/dynamic worry there. Although I do know people who fall out with people over fairly trivial things in real life so you just never know 😂

MustWeDoThis · 18/03/2024 21:29

pebblecity · 18/03/2024 11:43

I have a 23 year old dd who I had when I was 17, she has a 1 year old who we occasionally have to sleep over in what was her old bedroom.
I am pregnant again now at 40 after years of trying and dh and I are over the moon.

Dd however is not so pleased, we announced our pregnancy after the 12 week scan and she's really upset that her daughter will be 2 years older than ours and that our baby will be eventually in dds old room which our granddaughter sometimes sleeps in if we babysit, the rooms a double and there is still room for our granddaughter on occasion to stay in there but dd said it's not the same.
Dd is disgusted at the thought and although we thought she'd be surprised, we didn't expect this reaction, especially as we've been ttc for a long time with many losses (which she doesn't know about) but now we are really exited.

I understand this is weird for her because of the age gap but were we right to go ahead if it's what we really want?
This is so upsetting for everyone and I feel so guilty that she feels the way she does.

I would give your DD a bollocking for being so utterly spiteful, self-entitled, self absorbed, a snow flake, and for being so bloody horrid! Honestly, I would have no tolerance for this. You need to nip her behaviour in the bid and teach her to not be so ageist because she might want a baby at 40 and how would she feel if you said the same thing to her!?

In fact, I would say to her, "Oh! I was telling you you're going to be a sister. I wasn't asking for your unwanted, unnecessary, uneducated, and spiteful opinion."

I am fuming for you, OP.

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