To have a baby my grown dd doesn't want me to have?

[pebblecity]

I have a 23 year old dd who I had when I was 17, she has a 1 year old who we occasionally have to sleep over in what was her old bedroom.
I am pregnant again now at 40 after years of trying and dh and I are over the moon.

Dd however is not so pleased, we announced our pregnancy after the 12 week scan and she's really upset that her daughter will be 2 years older than ours and that our baby will be eventually in dds old room which our granddaughter sometimes sleeps in if we babysit, the rooms a double and there is still room for our granddaughter on occasion to stay in there but dd said it's not the same.
Dd is disgusted at the thought and although we thought she'd be surprised, we didn't expect this reaction, especially as we've been ttc for a long time with many losses (which she doesn't know about) but now we are really exited.

I understand this is weird for her because of the age gap but were we right to go ahead if it's what we really want?
This is so upsetting for everyone and I feel so guilty that she feels the way she does.

Absolutely go ahead and massive congratulations!! I would honestly tell her about the loses too, if she can’t be pleased for you it doesn’t reflect particularly well on her
I presume it’s more to do with her babysitters being too busy to drop everything when she needs than anything else tbh

My family is great, thanks. Lots of people in this thread have posted that, actually, it's not all fun and games (and eight people thanked me...so guess there's quite a few who think I have a VERY good point).

You will actually (if you could read...) realise that I focussed on the fact that kids are cruel and parents are worse - OP needs to know that. Even if the daughter comes around it isn't all going to be smooth sailing.

But please, elaborate more on how my family are shit...

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Now stop feeling "guilty that she feels the way she does" and start feeling angry that she feels the way she does! She is being very selfish here. In her mind, you exist only to serve her, to be HER mum and HER daughter's grandmother - providing overnight babysitting and keeping her old room as a feckin' shrine to her. No! You exist for yourself.

She has moved on, started her own family, and she doesn't get to insist that you must now be wrapped up in tissue paper and kept in a drawer, only taken out when she wants something. And while I can appreciate that it may have come as a shock to her (especially if you hadn't told her you were trying to conceive), she needs to come to terms with the fact that her mother is a person in her own right, not just in relation to herself. She needs to grow up.

Give her time. Your DD is pretty young herself. She is probably mourning the loss of the grandma relationship (in her eyes). Perhaps also tell her about your TTC journey together with the losses? It’s not like she is a child to be protected. She needs to know how much your baby was very much wanted.

It’s a very odd situation and I’m not surprised your DD has reacted this way. I’d also be gutted if my DM had my sibling decades later, especially if I’d just become a mum myself. The thought of having a young child at the same time as my DM really creeps me out.

Absolutely agree. @Devonshiregal has put it so eloquently and it's nothing about ''Babysitters'' or anything else so mundane..It is about feeling as Devonshire says on so many levels.

Well done, Devonshire, a feeling and intelligent understanding, and I bet this is exactly how the 23 yr old feels.

Heck, even when there is a 13, 16 year age gap the teenagers are hardly best pleased {New marriages}.

Congratulations , what wonderful news!

I don't think your DD is being kind or reasonable. But this is a major, major change for her! She's going from being an only child to having a sibling on the way. That is a big shock for any child, but for one who has matured all the way to adulthood as an only child, rather than being very young themselves (and therefore more malleable mentally) when their new sibling arrived, it is a fundamental change to her entire identity, the dimensions of her relationship with her parents and so on.

I'm not surprised she is acting out at this news as it's so foundational and huge. The bedroom thing is just her brain reaching for a rational way to explain why she feels so perturbed, because the deep emotional matter is very hard to express. So don't focus on that.

I would give her time. I think it is the only thing that will enable this huge adjustment. Be honest, be true to your own feelings - but do be patient with her. I am an only child and I can't imagine how weird it would have felt if my mum had another child when I was in my 20s. I really can't tell you how weird it feels to even imagine it! You will make this adjustment together I am sure.

With love and time, all things are possible.

Congratulations again.

your daughter doesn’t have to like it.

Congratulations!

Congratulations.

It's unusual for an aunt or uncle to be so close in age to their neice or nephew but not unheard of particularly in larger families. She'll just have to get over it.

I think that's incredibly harsh.

It's pretty unusual for a grandparent to actively decide to become a parent all over again, especially when they had their only other child 23 years ago. I suspect if OP already had a young child then it wouldn't be so much of an issue, but as it is, this is pretty much a bolt out of the blue.

I also don't think her DD needs to be pleased that she's going to have a baby sibling when she's 23 years old and already raising her own toddler. It's going to change her entire life as well as the relationship her child has with her grandparents.

First of all CONGRATULATIONS! So wonderful to be pregnant and I'm sorry that it has been a hard road for you to here.

I do think this is quite a lot for your daughter to get her head around, though. My guess is that she'll come round and regret how she's acted. What I think I would do is sit her down and explain how wanted this baby is, that you will still be an adoring grandma (it might actually be nice having your child and grandchild playing together). I think I will tell her about your miscarriages if you can bear to.

Don't let her spoil what should be a time of celebration for you. This will be a much wanted and much loved baby and that's what matters most x

She's jealous

Why would her daughter be concerned that she’d end up parenting the baby? Op is perfectly capable and they live in different houses.

Congratulations.
Its not up to your daughter what you do.
But i dont think id have the time or energy at 40 for a baby.
Just reading another thread about wanting a baby at 44 i mean sounds all good and fun but thinking long term nope.
You have all the freedom now to go do what with no responsibility.

I think you should be congratulated on your stamina. A baby at 40 and all that goes with it. Your daughter will be fine I’m sure. It’s just a shock to her system. Good luck with everything 👍

Of what?

Yes. I used to watch all the Tv programmes they did… she was still having babies when some of her grandchildren had long started primary school 😳

Not sure what the gap is between the oldest and youngest radford child. Must be around 30ish years? Even more impressive that is for full siblings too.

She probably is, which is a perfectly normal reaction, imo.

Congratulations. Tell her to grow up.
You only get one shot at this life so do what you want to do.

Not sure what the gap is between the oldest and youngest radford child. Must be around 30ish years? Even more impressive that is for full siblings too.

I'm not sure impressive is the word. She was 14 when she had her first child. Her now husband was 18.

I wouldn't say it was impressive, she was 14 when she had her first baby!

I had a baby at 40, my 3rd. It was perfectly fine. I also worked full-time.

Incredible lack of empathy from so many posters here towards the DD, and quite aggressive and nasty comments too.

As if the sanctimonious crew would have been happy in this situation at 23 years old. I just don't buy it.

I am 25 years older than my half sibling - they are a year younger than my daughter.

I love them as a sibling and it lovely to see the close relationship they have with my child. They are now both adults and still close.

They still babysat as I did for my sibling.

It was a shock for me at first , and I did selfishly for a moment thought it meant my child would loose a Grandparent. That never happened and my parent was able to still manage to be a loving Grandparent whilst having another child themselves,

Give her time , hopefully she will be excited for you in time.

Jesus Christ if people were calling my daughter a "fucking brat", selfish, immature, pathetic etc I'm not sure I'd be thanking them for their kind words 🤷🏼‍♀️