I thought I was pro-choice, is this judgey?

[Calmondeck]

I always thought I was pro-choice. I know the difficulties that can come with pregnancy, I understand the complexities of becoming a parent. And yet I suddenly find myself frustrated at a woman I know for choosing not to follow-through with her pregnancy. Does that mean deep down I am not pro-choice?

In a nutshell, I am friends with the male partner in a couple together for 1.5yrs. They’ve been having sex without contraception but avoiding her fertile window. Several weeks ago, had sex in the fertile window, discussed whether or not to use the morning after pill, (apparently) mutual decision not to. Now early days pregnant. The woman reached out to me asking to meet for a chat “on all things birth and motherhood”. I told her I’m probably not the best person to speak to since my review of motherhood is somewhat clouded by spending half of my toddler’s life in hospital as he undergoes aggressive chemotherapy for infant cancer.

We met anyway. The first thing she said was “I’m getting cold feet, we decided to throw caution to the wind, I’m 35 so thought it’s unlikely the first time ever I have sex in a fertile window I would get pregnant, but now that I am, I was excited, and now I’m suddenly scared. I follow all of the midwives on Instagram even though I wasn’t actively planning to become pregnant, I just think becoming a mother is fascinating”.

I was sympathetic and honest about all of the pros and cons from my tiny experience.

My friend, the dad-to-be, is shocked but genuinely excited.

The pregnant woman has decided today that she will get an abortion. And suddenly I feel deeply sad for this growing little person. And frustrated that the mum said “I had my year and travels planned. I’ll try again in 2 years”.

Don't worry, absolutely none of this is on you at all.

You haven't convinced her one way or the other.

You've got enough of your plate at the moment, don't take the emotional responsibility of this too.

Wishing you all the best op 💐

I think even if they took a risk and had unprotected sex, she should still be entitled to an abortion.

As she is under law.

Many women don't want to put their body through a full term pregnancy.
She mightnt feel ready for many reasons.

And it is her choice

I agree with you, really. I am pro choice. But when my friend got pregnant just to check she could and then had an abortion all whilst acting like it was some kind of hilarious screen play - it left a bad taste in my mouth.

Cold feet is normal. I pretty much got pregnant on the first try with DC1 and to say I was shocked was an understatement. For some reason I thought I had at least 6 months to continue my “normal” life and then think seriously about this.

I am very pro choice but I knew the difference between shock and genuinely not wanting a baby. I find it odd that your friend and his partner actively decided to “see what happens” with the full adult knowledge that having unprotected sex in a fertile window can lead to a pregnancy. I don’t think that it was right given your very difficult / traumatic circumstance's that you were brought into this decision making process.

I've never had an abortion so far.

But I can well imagine many circumstances where i would possibly have one. Men have often tried to verbally push me into unprotected sex.

I do know that if I ever got an abortion , that I would never tell anyone

As it is a sensitive topic and it is hard for people to hear about.

There is a lot of unnecessary conjecture happening on this thread concerning this woman. She's 35 and this is her first pregnancy and first abortion.

Her contraception method is not abortion, she is using the rhythm method – whether you agree with that method or not, and it obviously does not guard against STIs, the stats are the stats – it has a failure rate of less than 5% with perfect use and between 8–25% with imperfect use. Condoms, by comparison have an average failure rate of 3% and 12% respectively.

Perhaps she had very high confidence in it due to many, many years success with it. A lot of things affect our judgement when it comes to risk, and as a woman facing abortion for the first time, being raked over the coals on this thread is hardly appropriate.

P.S @Ohhbaby Apologies to use your post as an example, as it wasn't the harshest, it was just the most recent.

YANBU I'm pro abortions being available to those who need it. But not abortions as a choice of Birth control.

They chose not to use contraception.
They chose to have sex knowing she was ovulating.
They chose not to use the morning after pill.
They chose to conceive this baby.
And now they are choosing to kill it.

Yeah sorry I don't think that's OK. I'm pregnant, we saw out baby's heartbeat at 7 weeks, so 3 weeks after period was due. We saw our baby again at nearly 10 weeks due to a bleed, arms and legs kicking about. Say what you want about "it's not a baby" it's a life. I don't think it's ok to deliberately conceive a baby you don't want.

Will they start using contraception now?

I think Pro Choice does not necessarily mean you are comfortable with all the circumstances all the time. I struggle with the time scales of abortion , and some individual circumstances I come across,but I'm always accepting that my stance has to be pro choice .
It's not always comfortable. Black and white .

She sounds very shallow, tbh I think a lot of people have a feeling of 'what have I let myself in for' in early pregnancy.

I don't see how the situation would be improved by removing her option to discontinue the pregnancy. Is it better that she's forced into motherhood? Do you mean they would have taken contraception more seriously if abortion was unavailable?

Someone who uses what used to be called the rhythm method but isn't open to conception is a fool in any event, imho.

She wasn't using the rhythm method. She knew she was ovulating, she chose to have unprotected sex anyway. Then chose not to use the morning after pill.

I was the same. Quite shocked when I got pregnant at first try. It was in the days when you had to have a pregnancy confirmed by the GP and he described it as “like seeing your mother in law drive your new car over a cliff”.

They sound immature imo. I think it’s best for you to have no opinion on it and not get involved in other peoples kids/parenting etc even if asked because it’s such a personal thing. They sound irresponsible with their contraceptive approach.. the downside of this will fall largely on the female. I hope she is more considered in her approach to sex and contraceptives in future! I would likely mention that a better method of contraception might be a good idea as this one is not particularly sure! And then distance yourself x

They did not choose to conceive or deliberately conceive – they chose to appropriately avoid conceiving: different things.

'Killing'? That is very inappropriate language to use in a conversation regarding pro-choice. Your pregnancy has nothing to do with this or any other woman's decision to keep or terminate a pregnancy.

I can see why the choose leaves you feeling frustrated but not liking a choice isn’t the same as not being pro-choice.

Whenever I find myself raising an eyebrow at the choice for an abortion I just remind myself that this choice means she won’t be bringing up a child she thought wasn’t worth putting off travel plans for (or whatever the reason was).

This is one of the reasons I’m fully pro-choice - children should be wanted right from the start. Every time we force or coerce a woman into having a child against her own judgement we push a child into a family in which they weren’t truly wanted.

Fucking winds me up the trend to use no contraception. So many people seem to be accidentally pregnant through using bullshit methods like this!!!!

It’s more sad to me that babies are born due to fecklessness than babies that aren’t. I am glad she’s having one as it’d be unfair to churn a baby out and it not be wanted but she’s a clown as it was so avoidable.

I am pro choice. I am also fully aware that other women's choices are none of my business.

But I still judge women who treat it as a joke.

I saw a tik tok of a woman at a clinic making jokes about the dead baby she'd just had aborted (her words). It was fucking disgusting.

YANBU I'm pro abortions being available to those who need it. But not abortions as a choice of Birth control.

Which is also "needing" it. Or do you want to arbitrate what "need" means? That leads to a very slippery slope.

You can hate someone's reasons and an individual situation while still believing in choice. You don't have to like the choice, you just have to accept that it is her choice to make.

They did not choose to conceive or deliberately conceive – they chose to appropriately avoid conceiving: different things.
They had unprotected sex knowing full well she was in her most fertile stage of her cycle. Whether or not you think you'll fall pregnant on the first try, that is choosing to conceive.

They’ve been having sex without contraception but avoiding her fertile window. – this is the rhythm method.

we decided to throw caution to the wind, I’m 35 so thought it’s unlikely the first time ever I have sex in a fertile window I would get pregnant – this is attitude to risk influenced by confidence

My comment stands. And unless anyone has literally NEVER thrown caution to the wind then they haven't got a leg to stand on. My educated guess would be the vast, vast majority of terminations are due to inappropriate contraception use. I reiterate – she is 35 and this is her first and only abortion.

No, it isn't. She had sex with the belief that it would not lead to conception. Call that ignorance or over-confidence or whatever you like, but it is not the willful choice to conceive.

Your feelings are not unreasonable. Seeing someone be cavalier about something you take seriously hurts. But telling her how you fell about her decision would cross the line into being unreasonable.

In what way did they avoid conceiving? By having unprotected sex during a known fertile time? I think you've missed something. They deliberately chose to forgo multiple known methods of contraception.
Something is living, it will be dead, it is being killed. I mentioned my own pregnancy because of having SEEN the baby in the early stages of pregnancy. People claim its just a mass, not a real baby, its just a blob. No, you can see the heartbeat when you're barely even late, they are moving their arms and legs when you're just a couple of months gone.

I'm all for people using abortions for accidental or unconsented pregnancies. Or even if their situation changes during an intended pregnancy .

But morally, in my opinion, it is wrong to not try to prevent a pregnancy if you do not want a baby then abort the resulting baby.

Better that she has the choice than has an unwanted baby. Whatever the reason.