I thought I was pro-choice, is this judgey?

[Calmondeck]

I always thought I was pro-choice. I know the difficulties that can come with pregnancy, I understand the complexities of becoming a parent. And yet I suddenly find myself frustrated at a woman I know for choosing not to follow-through with her pregnancy. Does that mean deep down I am not pro-choice?

In a nutshell, I am friends with the male partner in a couple together for 1.5yrs. They’ve been having sex without contraception but avoiding her fertile window. Several weeks ago, had sex in the fertile window, discussed whether or not to use the morning after pill, (apparently) mutual decision not to. Now early days pregnant. The woman reached out to me asking to meet for a chat “on all things birth and motherhood”. I told her I’m probably not the best person to speak to since my review of motherhood is somewhat clouded by spending half of my toddler’s life in hospital as he undergoes aggressive chemotherapy for infant cancer.

We met anyway. The first thing she said was “I’m getting cold feet, we decided to throw caution to the wind, I’m 35 so thought it’s unlikely the first time ever I have sex in a fertile window I would get pregnant, but now that I am, I was excited, and now I’m suddenly scared. I follow all of the midwives on Instagram even though I wasn’t actively planning to become pregnant, I just think becoming a mother is fascinating”.

I was sympathetic and honest about all of the pros and cons from my tiny experience.

My friend, the dad-to-be, is shocked but genuinely excited.

The pregnant woman has decided today that she will get an abortion. And suddenly I feel deeply sad for this growing little person. And frustrated that the mum said “I had my year and travels planned. I’ll try again in 2 years”.

Yes I agree. If she is this self obsessed probably better she doesn’t become a mother.

It is judgey but you’re human & you’ve been pulled into this situation.

I’m very much pro choice (& I’ve had an abortion) and wouldn’t be thrilled for anyone having to choose an abortion but I’m very glad they can access one if they choose to.

If she is selfish and insensitive currently then probably better she has an abortion. that is why choice is so important. There's too many humans on the planet so it's more humane not to have them (and better environmentally)

Of course she might be less fertile in two years time but that's her choice.

Do I think she is unwise and short-sighted to terminate this pregnancy? Yes. Do I think she was very tactless to tell you about it in the way she did, given your circumstances? Yes.

Do I think she should be legally prohibited from making this decision? No, I don't.

Nailed it.

Being pro choice or not is completely missing the point. This experience has challenged your dearly held beliefs and thankfully you have the honesty to think about this

To me being judgy (privately or somewhat privately) and being pro-choise is different.

Do you want to force her to carry the child to term? If no. Then you're pro-choise. Doesn't mean you have to be happy about her abortion.

Thank you for all these thoughtful responses; they’ve helped me clarify my own thoughts/feelings. I do believe I’m pro-choice, and in this scenario I’m pro her choice of not becoming a parent. I don’t judge her on not wanting to shift her life so dramatically. I fully accept if you’re not ready to be a parent, and even if you feel totally ready, parenting is huge. I just wish she’d been more thoughtful earlier - and definitely not have involved me. I can’t help but question whether what I said about my experiences impacted her decision making. But as others have said, she may have a whole lot more going on than I know about.

I feel for my friend - he’s just called apologising for involving me, if only briefly. He’s gutted to not continue this journey, after several weeks of mentally traveling the path to parenthood.

How complex life is. Here I am, bedside at hospital again, subjecting an infant to more and more treatment to save life, worrying whether I’ve inadvertently influenced an almost stranger to prevent a life.

I don't think anyone is "happy" at the idea of abortion.
It is a terribly sad thing.

However the way I look at it, is abortion can be a good thing for the baby.

If the baby is going to be born to a mother that does not want it and is not able to look after it - then bringing that baby into the life is just going to hurt the mother AND the baby.

So sometimes, abortion is SAVING the baby from a life of pain and misery

Please do what you can for your own child, OP, and don't worry about this sorry pair. They should have most definitely not come to you. V insensitive. I'd make myself much less available.

Wishing your family all the best OP 💐

I agree with most on here that it is judgy but also natural to judge.

Here is how I would frame it as a pro-choice person: even if I think her reason isn't sound, would I want her or any other woman to die from a back-street abortion? No I wouldn't. For me, it is being pro-choice in totality or face condemning women to this fate if we go further down the path of picking and choosing cases.

I am pro choice but that doesn't mean I agree with every reason to have one, but I will always believe in the right to choose. I knew someone once who had one because it interfered with their already booked holiday. She was married so it wasn’t a one night stand etc and it just didn’t sit right with me - none of my business of course but I can’t deny it put me off her (she wasn’t a friend just a colleague).

I've recently had a good friend do it pretty much this. Literally held a ceremony saying goodbye to the baby see you in a year or two. Dad was on board etc she'd been planning how things would be but decided 'nah'.

I think it is because they are using abortion as a contraception method. It is one thing to have an abortion because of rape or if you are 17 and its was unintended. But this woman is 35 and didn't want to take all the necessary precautions because there is an easy out - Abortion. I totally hear you, It's like someone said 'being pro choice doesn't mean you have to like the reasoning.

It's hard not to be judgey when you don't agree with someone's reasons to terminate. But you can still support the principle that it's a woman's right to choose, regardless of her reasons.

But it won't be the same baby??

So sometimes, abortion is SAVING the baby from a life of pain and misery
There's saving a baby from a life of pain and misery, and there's almost-parents who do everything right to conceive a child and then think naaah, I'll have a baby after I've been on holiday.

Very profound update OP, wishing you and your child well 💐 you sound like a lovely person x

@Ohhbaby she thinks it will be. 'Not now, soon!'

I was quite (privately) distressed, as I've spent many hours listening to her plans and was totally blindsided when she made this decision

I think “pro choice” is a really unhelpful phrase. The abortion issue is really not simple enough for most people to say they are pro women having a choice in 100% of situations.

On one end of the spectrum you can have a pregnant 13 year old rape victim who is three weeks pregnant - I think the vast majority of people would be fine with an abortion in those circumstances. At the other end you have a married, financially stable woman with no physical or mental health concerns who is 35 weeks pregnant, has the option of adoption and just changes her mind - I struggle to be ok with abortion in that circumstance and imagine a lot of others would feel the same.

I, and I suspect most people, are pro choice up to a point and then get uncomfortable as the foetus becomes more and more like a baby. Personally, I’m fine with first trimester (particularly pre ten week) abortions for pretty much any reason but I start getting a bit uncomfortable when the foetus’ brain starts developing enough that is has brain activity that is recognisably similar to a baby, when it starts to feel pain and when it’s possible that it could survive outside of the mother - the idea of a healthy foetus being discarded as medical waste in one part of a hospital where a baby of the same gestational age is having vast resources thrown at saving it in another part of the hospital makes me very, very uncomfortable. Obviously those concerns have to be balanced against maternal health and happiness and the quality of life that foetus would have had had it been born.

So I think for me it’s a very individual question based on all the circumstances - which is why it’s such a contentious issue and so hard to legislate for. So I don’t describe myself as pro choice because I think it’s too much of a blanket statement, but I certainly wouldn’t describe myself as anti abortion either.

In this instance she’s using an abortion as contraception. I would judge that too whilst accepting that’s it’s absolutely none of my business.

They sound like idiots, if you have unprotected sex there is a chance of pregnancy, so how can they be ‘shocked’ ffs.

Plus ‘I follow midwives on instagram’ what does that even mean? So what?

I agree with you. The idea of just aborting a baby and trying again for another one a bit later once they've got their nice trips out the way is callous. It's like returning something to a shop to get a better one later on. I can't understand how anyone would be at peace with that decision unless they've been majorly conditioned to believe that a baby is just a commodity.

This is insane

Yeah but as we all know, the woman is the physically weaker person, and she can often be pressured to have unprotected sex. By the man.

Then she is left with the main responsibility of carrying the baby.