SIL and PIL

[Monkeybusiness09]

Nc for this.

Will try and give all the information and not drip feed. SIL married BIL (DHs brother) about 7 years ago and they have a 13 year old son. She has two older children from her previous marriage. They had gone out together very briefly when they were younger so she was known to the family. I am with DH 25 years and married for 17, 4 kids.

Over the years SIL has gradually taken over any celebrations with PIL. Every year we visit MIL for her birthday, her birthday was yesterday, St Patrick's Day. We called around and they were out so left her card in the postbox and DH texted to say we had called. MIL texts at 6pm last night to say they were with SIL and BIL for the day and had a wonderful time. That's fine, DH asked would they like to drop in on their way home as they live around the corner from us, MIL replied, no thanks, too tired.

SIL never invites our family when she is hosting but it's steadily getting out of hand. She invites PIL for both their birthdays, Boxing day, New Years Eve and New Years Day, Easter Sunday. They visit for coffee after church every Sunday too.

Then it's the huge bouquets of flowers for Christmas, Easter and Birthday's and the specially made cakes. Anything we give looks miserable in comparison.

She has now started with other family members. She hosted a significant birthday party for another relative in her home when she knew we would not be able to attend which caused bad blood as it was a surprise party and she told the person we were invited but didnt know why we didn't turn up. We were away, we go away the same time every year. She knew this.

I'm just sick of it now. She is obviously the golden DIL as far as PIL are concerned.MIL loves to be adored.

What is this type of behaviour and why would somebody behave like this?

It’s odd but leave her to it. She obviously needs to feel wanted and maybe had a rubbish relationship with own mother so she is doing this to creat a new one with mil. See it as a blessing that you don’t have to throw parties !

Because they’re a twat. You won’t change her. Make peace with it now. Perhaps see if you can book MIL in for her 2026 birthday now.

Presumably they planned the birthday day out in advance. If you wanted to do something, why didn’t you?

It looks like she’s just putting on more effort, and therefore of course getting more back.

Nothing to stop you organising any of those events if you wish?
Just get the invite out early

I think some people just enjoy hosting and organising. Maybe looking from the other side they don't feel you put in a lot of effort (not saying you don't but might be their perspective).
I'm the DIL who hosts, I arrange everything, I'm really really organised and do stuff in advance. Certainly don't do it to spite anyone. I buy gifts because I enjoy treating people, not to look good or compare to SIL.
Speak up if you're unhappy...say next time there's a Birthday could they let you know as you'd like to come, or organise your own meals out.

Christmas and birthdays are the same date every year - get in there first. I think you're being unreasonable tbh. I enjoy baking and do it for special occasions, I certainly hope my sister or SIL don't think I do it to 'spite' anyone. Your SIL likes hosting...

Previously we would invite PILs around and celebrations were much more of a family thing with everyone involved. SIL has changed that. We have asked PIL over at Christmas but they spend three days with SIL and are then too tired. If we ask if they want to drop in after church on a Sunday we are told, no they always go to SIL. This isn't true as a few years back they would call into us. She has just monopolised everything. I will just say that myself and DH do host and regularly have friends and family over for celebrations its not like we don't host or don't want to.

It is their routine now that they spend Christmas with SIL. I like hosting too but I wouldn't intentionally seek to host every celebration and not invite the rest of the family.

If it bothers your dh then he should be organising something in advance, and doing some inviting. Depends a lot on if he wants to see more of his parents.

If i were your dh i would just say mum, dad, you go to Sils for every significant date and when we invite you you can’t as you’re already booked to then. Most families alternate things like Christmas or do them all together like we used to but sil doesn’t like to invite us, you must have noticed. Do you want to occasionally come to ours, and if so do we need to invite you for next year now, or do you just want a goodbye card from us and maybe we will run into you in a few years ?

Honestly, it sounds like you’re jealous. I doubt she’s doing it deliberately - she’s probably more into celebrations than you are. For example, for yday, all you did was a card whereas she planned a day out.

The issue is also your PIL not splitting time properly, not your SIL being more of a host.

@Codlingmoths Thank you, you understand. Previous posters just saying invite them in advance. We have and are told no we go to SIL.

Exactly what I was about to type out.

Why do her previous children matter, by the way?

That sounds really upsetting. PIL clearly prefer going to SIL and don't make plans with you or DH so they are your problem really.

So yesterday when it was MILs birthday your Dh hadn’t arranged anything, you just called round expecting her to be in, and when she wasn’t you complained?

@MrsPeannut It wasn't just a card actually. We put her card in the postbox and brought her gifts home. We host all the time and invite all the family. She funnily enough always has other plans.

You sound jealous.

SIL is obviously thoughtful and nice to be around and they would rather spend time with her than you. That is what it is.

Believe it or not when it’s my birthday my DDs make the arrangements together and let me know what’s been organised,

@Soontobe60 , MIL always has her birthday at home. When we called in last week for Mothers Day , DH said we will drop in next Sunday for your birthday. PIL never said they wouldn't be in.

See it for the great support it is. If she bails you'll be left picking up the organising, hosting and everything would be compared to how good it used to be when she did it. I'd enjoy the space and see them in normal times, leaving celebration days for you and your dh to enjoy together. Trust me, many of us dream of having a SIL take the brunt of hosting in laws as we get so put upon.

It sounds like your DH is disorganised regarding organising stuff, and SIL is very organised.

You can't expect them to be sitting about waiting for you to pop in when someone has been thoughtful enough to arrange something fun.

You do sound very jealous, as though she's doing it to spite you rather than doing it to make others feel special.

I’m confused.

Why do you think that what your SIL does has anything to do with you?

I have a hard enough time keeping track of the schedules of people I married and birthed. There’s a ZERO percent chance someone’s annual vacation would be on my radar. And I give the gifts and host the parties I want to. Has nothing to do with who may think what about it.

Frankly, it seems like you’re in a one sided competition. You and your dh dropped by for your MIL’s birthday and your SIL made the effort to make plans. Sounds like you don’t. That’s a you problem, not a SIL or MIL problem.

How old are your DC? Does MIL not want to see them on special occasions like Christmas?

@MamaWillYouBuyMeAWillYouBuyMeABanana
Not disorganised at all. All major celebrations have now become a given that it's celebrated with SIL and everybody else is excluded. It was never like this, we all celebrated together and took turns.

So you think they should have waited in all day for you to drop round? I know if someone took the time and effort to take me out for my birthday I wouldn’t even think not to go! Sounds like SIL just likes to do these things and you’re jealous.