SIL and PIL

[Monkeybusiness09]

Nc for this.

Will try and give all the information and not drip feed. SIL married BIL (DHs brother) about 7 years ago and they have a 13 year old son. She has two older children from her previous marriage. They had gone out together very briefly when they were younger so she was known to the family. I am with DH 25 years and married for 17, 4 kids.

Over the years SIL has gradually taken over any celebrations with PIL. Every year we visit MIL for her birthday, her birthday was yesterday, St Patrick's Day. We called around and they were out so left her card in the postbox and DH texted to say we had called. MIL texts at 6pm last night to say they were with SIL and BIL for the day and had a wonderful time. That's fine, DH asked would they like to drop in on their way home as they live around the corner from us, MIL replied, no thanks, too tired.

SIL never invites our family when she is hosting but it's steadily getting out of hand. She invites PIL for both their birthdays, Boxing day, New Years Eve and New Years Day, Easter Sunday. They visit for coffee after church every Sunday too.

Then it's the huge bouquets of flowers for Christmas, Easter and Birthday's and the specially made cakes. Anything we give looks miserable in comparison.

She has now started with other family members. She hosted a significant birthday party for another relative in her home when she knew we would not be able to attend which caused bad blood as it was a surprise party and she told the person we were invited but didnt know why we didn't turn up. We were away, we go away the same time every year. She knew this.

I'm just sick of it now. She is obviously the golden DIL as far as PIL are concerned.MIL loves to be adored.

What is this type of behaviour and why would somebody behave like this?

But she did celebrate with family 🤦🏻‍♀️. Maybe she always celebrated at home because no one thought to take her out and treat her. Unless you had said we’ll come round and see you at 11:30, it sounds like a pretty miserable birthday to sit around waiting for you to turn up.

Can you say to them "We never get to share any celebrations with you any more and it makes us sad as we would like to?" Surely they would see your point then. It doesn't sound like they are getting that you are sad about the current situation.

She’s laying them inheritance foundations early… 😏

Was BIL the favourite child when your h was growing up? Yanbu to be annoyed that MIL shows blatant favouritism to his family but I wouldn’t expect her to decline gifts and invitations (as you said, she likes being adored and SIL is happy to oblige )

The only thing that you can do is to take yourself out of the competition with SIL and accept that MIL is happy with the way things are right now. Chasing after her time is a pointless waste of energy for you. How does your h feel about this ?

She sounds more organised and proactive than you and also plans ahead and you don’t like that she is showing you up.

You need to start thinking of these occasions far in advance of them taking place and organise something or better still your husband does,

BIL is the oldest and was always MILs golden child. Even now he can do no wrong. My DH always got a raw deal, PIL admitted this.

If DH wants to talk to his parents about it I will support him but I really don't think they will understand. We are starting to feel we are not part of the family and SIL is purposely and deliberately pushing us out. Previously for MILs bday as in a few years ago we would all put money together and buy flowers, cake, decorations and food and then give our own individual present. Gradually this is SIL arranging and paying for everything with a message from BIL saying no need to get cake or flowers etc as SIL has arranged everything.Then on the day MIL will say look at the beautiful cake, flowers, food etc that SIL has bought for me.

When they become infirm and need support, it will be up to her to look after them, not you.

@user1492809438, I will not be looking after them, already told DH that..

This

Obviously with four teenagers and a DH who does shift work and a rota that changes its not always easy to plan everything very far in advance.

Okay so that plus all these weeks you always spend at your holiday place abroad puts lots of parameters on what's possible and they can't prioritise that. I'd stop focusing on their special occasions and come up with your own when you can see them and when they're free. You've got four birthdays with the kids for a start off - could you do something for those and invite PILs? Or as PP said, do something for all the siblings if you want the wider family there? With your busy set-up and SIL's propensity to plan further ahead, you're better off not competing for the same dates and doing you own thing with the ILs. And if SIL starts hijacking them with random cakes and outings on your dates, then you'll know something truly weird is going on. But as it stands, it's more like you're in the pattern of how it used to be with the casual calling around etc and they're well into this new mode of doing things with her and enjoying it. You keep saying how MIL always stays in on her birthday. Well, now she doesn't, and no reason why she has to always do anything. Roll with it.

Honestly I find it hard to imagine setting so much store by seeing my ILs for these occasions anyway, as you're in regular contact and your DC are teens. I like my ILs well enough, but there's plenty of folk I'd rather spend free time with.

@Pinkdelight3 ,that definitely makes sense.

Pick a random date when SIL won't have already planned something, and invite everyone over, ie summer drinks & BBQ, for no reason other than you want to see your family. Simply avoid the significant dates when you know SIL has already booked them up. You can still bake something nice for them to take home etc.

@Monkeybusiness09 given the conversation between your H and his dad, it's now that you should go with the @Codlingmoths approach, there is time for your H to have a proper conversation with his parents and explain exactly how you both feel, make sure that they understand that SIL is not inviting you to any of these things and that you are hurt and want to be able to spoil them and celebrate with them too. SIL will not have arranged anything, so no better time than the present to get this landslide stopped, or at least then put the Goodbye card option on the table.

that is a very good suggestion.

You can’t force people to spend time with you rather than someone else.

Also, you don’t make it sound easy. You have your set weeks of the year you’re away and expect everyone to remember them. Your DH does shift work
in a changing rota so even you don’t know in advance whether this or that date works for you. You say you’re going to drop by on such and such date: are people supposed to hang about waiting for you?

Move on. Your PILs are tells you by their actions who they’d rather spend time with. This is who they are. Your BIL and SIL enjoy the dynamic. That is who they are. Why water energy being upset about it.

Why can’t your dh still plan a meal on another date for his dads birthday if his dad is busy on the day itself?

if there is no back story it does seem odd your sil doesn’t invite any other siblings to events and your pils are happy to go along with that

so on that basis I couldn’t be bothered with it all, just leave them to it.

@Monkeybusiness09 the fact that BIL is the Golden Child says it all. Nothing is going to change. It might well be time to step back, as @Codlingmoths said earlier

Gradually this is SIL arranging and paying for everything with a message from BIL saying no need to get cake or flowers etc as SIL has arranged everything.Then on the day MIL will say look at the beautiful cake, flowers, food etc that SIL has bought for me.

I get it's upsetting and I would feel bad if my parents were doing this, but I would NEVER not get a cake / flower / whatever I would want for either of my parents just because my brother said I needn't bother.... I'd still arrange a delivery of bouquet / presents or whatever I thought was appropriate.

You absolutely have a PIL problem. No way my parents would ever do this, despite what SIL or BIL did. Also, try focus on your own family and leave them to it. It's for your DH to sort if he's bothered.

@Bubblegummies We will do that now. No backstory. She does on occasion invite DHs other brother and his wife, that's usually on Boxing Day and New Years Eve. That's usually a hush hush with them all and a very unconvincing "oh they just popped in from mil".

Definitely going to distance myself from it all now. If SIL enjoys waiting hand on foot on them and agreeing with everything mil says than that's on her.

I'd be very glad and enjoy every occasion with my own family 😂

Why don't you confront her? What do you have to lose? Ask why she told such a lie and also ask why you are never included in her invitations. Otherwise you are just going to continue to stew on it. I think the fact that she never includes you is really out of order.

Do you feel you can speak to dh sis about it?

Re fil birthday if I was your dh I'd maybe say well why don't we all do something here as dsis will want to see you too

@JPGR She has a way of hiding behind BIL and MIL. I would come out of it badly. MIL is going to take her side because she's compliant in it all

@Autienotnaughtie , I feel its up to DH to speak to his sister. Dh is very laid back and wouldn't want any hassle though. SIL has done this slowly and deliberately over the years that it's hard now to stop it and say something

OP this sounds really hard, sorry some people are not getting it. I think in your situation I would stay out of it myself, as it's not actually your side of the family. You know you won't have to care for PIL in old age, so at least there's that benefit.

In terms of your DH and kids, I would support them in whatever they want to do. So maybe your kids aren't too bothered about seeing their GPs any more, as they don't treat them well? In which case I wouldn't force it. Or maybe they want to say something to GPs? In which case I'd counsel them that they might not get the outcome they want but would support them in what to say.

Maybe your DH wants to speak to them or maybe he's happy to leave it. Either way I would support his decision. They are not good parents or grandparents if they don't make sure they see their son and grandkids, so is it really a big loss anyway?

Focus your energy on people who make your family a priority. You also have each other, so hopefully that's enough to feel like a loving family. Best wishes, OP.