SIL and PIL

[Monkeybusiness09]

Nc for this.

Will try and give all the information and not drip feed. SIL married BIL (DHs brother) about 7 years ago and they have a 13 year old son. She has two older children from her previous marriage. They had gone out together very briefly when they were younger so she was known to the family. I am with DH 25 years and married for 17, 4 kids.

Over the years SIL has gradually taken over any celebrations with PIL. Every year we visit MIL for her birthday, her birthday was yesterday, St Patrick's Day. We called around and they were out so left her card in the postbox and DH texted to say we had called. MIL texts at 6pm last night to say they were with SIL and BIL for the day and had a wonderful time. That's fine, DH asked would they like to drop in on their way home as they live around the corner from us, MIL replied, no thanks, too tired.

SIL never invites our family when she is hosting but it's steadily getting out of hand. She invites PIL for both their birthdays, Boxing day, New Years Eve and New Years Day, Easter Sunday. They visit for coffee after church every Sunday too.

Then it's the huge bouquets of flowers for Christmas, Easter and Birthday's and the specially made cakes. Anything we give looks miserable in comparison.

She has now started with other family members. She hosted a significant birthday party for another relative in her home when she knew we would not be able to attend which caused bad blood as it was a surprise party and she told the person we were invited but didnt know why we didn't turn up. We were away, we go away the same time every year. She knew this.

I'm just sick of it now. She is obviously the golden DIL as far as PIL are concerned.MIL loves to be adored.

What is this type of behaviour and why would somebody behave like this?

I totally get what you are saying and how you must feel. I think your DH needs to speak face to face with his brother and ask if there is any reason SIL doesn't like you or want to share occasions with you. That done, he needs to speak to PIL and ask why they are never available to come to you. Ask if you can book them in for Christmas now....if they say no, it is up yo your DH to ask them why...and perhaps explain how hurt and excluded he feels. There is no point in building up resentment...just ask...

@Maddy70, she is DIL not daughter.

YANBU to feel hurt by this.

However, I have voted YABU because you seem to be putting the blame solely on SIL and ignoring your PIL’s actions in this. They have made the decision to usually go to DIL instead of yours and prioritising her events vs the previous ways.

How does your DH feel about this? From your posts it’s more about how you feel and little on what he feels, thinks and says considering they are his parents.

Just to clarify. Yes I do agree that PIL are to blame too. I think PIL love all the attention that SIL heaps on them. BIL is the golden child too. I do host a lot and not just for special occasions. Obviously with four teenagers and a DH who does shift work and a rota that changes its not always easy to plan everything very far in advance. When we asked PIL to spend Christmas Day with us last year they said they prefer Christmas Dinner in their own home, which is fair enough, I feel the same. When we asked where they available any other time over Christmas it was a no as with SIL for three days, away for a couple of days so would be too tired. It's not like we don't make an effort. Previously PIL would visit every Sunday morning after church and Sunday evening after they had been out for dinner. We would visit on a Saturday afternoon for a couple of hours and sometimes for an hour on a Thursday after school. We always checked it was OK to visit beforehand. MILs birthday was always celebrated in their home as its on St Patrick's Day. FILs birthday was a bbq with all family invited. Good Friday and Easter Sunday again celebrated together. I'm not jealous of SIL. I would just like my children and DH to be able to see their grandparents and parents on special occasions.

With regards to flowers and cake. Sometimes it would be nice if other family members could arrange the cake and decorations. It used to be a family affair but not anymore. We feel like outsiders and afraid to ask or say anything.

Any chance it's the PILs who are preferring to spend time with them? They don't seem to be prioritising you in any way. SIL sounds a bit off but she can't control them, they're choosing not to see you and your DH on special days any more.

I can understand why you would note this behaviour.

However, I cannot imagine any man getting particularly worked up about who is making plans for his wife's extended family.

Just live your own life and let others live theirs. A lot of people in this scenario are making choices (your SIL, your PIL, your BIL and your DH). Sounds like your DH's sister is aware of the odd behaviour around the surprise party.

Just crack on with your own life I'd say.

Yes. This exactly.

So DH has just rang FIL to ask him if they would like to get together for his birthday, either a meal out or dinner in our house. Surprise, surprise, SIL invited him yesterday at MILs birthday. His birthday is not until June so DH asked in advance. DH said it would be nice to see you on your birthday because I didn't see Mam yesterday. FIL as non committal and just said the usual, well SIL has already invited me.

I'd rephrase it slightly

'It's your birthday in x months, I know it's early to ask but you book up quickly now. Would you like to see us at all on your birthday or do you have other plans'

They'll say no, but you asked early, they've clearly said they're not interested in your presence. Easter etc, ask them all if they'd like to meet up (be casual) when it's a no, organise a party for everyone else.

And when they age be glad that they can reap what they sow

It’s really up to your DH to talk to them personally and explain how he feels but if he is not bothered, you may need to just leave it, accept it and concentrate more on those who do want and appreciate your efforts.

Well that's pretty shit isn't it. I would just step back. Let them contact you.
Live your best life, what twats. All of them

So offer them a different date. It makes sense that she asked them as part of the conversation on MIL's birthday so no need to make it sound nefarious. There are lots of other days around the actual birthday, see which they can do and lock it in.

But you knew it was her birthday what had your DH arranged?
My adult DC’s contact me 3/4 weeks before my birthday and suggest something. If you knew she would be tied up on the day why not suggest the weekend before or after? Most people can’t celebrate Mon - Fridays because of work, so celebrations are not normally on the day.

This is when your husband should have told his dad how this disparity and seeming lack of interest on their part really hurts his feelings.

If BIL is the golden child then it's nothing to do with SIL. You need to distance yourself for yours and your family's well being. You don't have to play second class citizens!!

@Monkeybusiness09

I get where you're coming from. My SIL (DH's sister) used to do vaguely similar things. Whenever we went to visit, we'd receive a flurry of "URGENT!!" messages from SIL giving us 'a heads up' about MIL having a sore foot or FIL being a bit tired or the washing machine not working properly or all sorts of things. The fuss! It got considerably worse once DH and I had children. But, interestingly, calmed down once SIL got married.

It was coming from a good place but it always made us feel ike we were being a nuisance by visiting.

so you turned up on her birthday, expecting her to be sat around waiting for your card, and you’re upset she had already made plans?

Sounds like you’re jealous because you were the ‘first’ DIL and you think that gives you some kind of higher rank.

Also, expecting her not to arrange someone’s birthday party because, she should know you go on holiday at that time of year, is ridiculous!

I think this.

Unless your DH wants to privately talk to his parents and say how he really feels and see what happens then I think you’ve just got to crack on. Even if he does that, the PIL may not change their behaviour because they’re actually happy with the way things are.

Maybe your MIL wanted to do something for her birthday, rather than waiting inside all day in case you decide to pop round 😂.

Im sure if you want to organise something for a special event you can-but you can’t be annoyed that people aren’t holding off making plans incase you decide that you might want to do something.

I'd be a bit upset over this too, you're trying to get together with your IL's and together as a wider family which is lovely, but you are being pushed out. Your SIL telling people you were invited to an event but didn't know why you weren't there! 😡
To be honest the IL sound just as bad as SIL/BIL it sounds like they are just taking the path of least resistance. I feel that family elders should generally be the ones to make the effort to try to be fair with everyone and also be welcoming and inclusive.
Not sure what you can do? If I were you I'd probably pull back from all of them and focus on my immediate family. Sounds to me that your SIL isn't just very close to them (or they would be happy to celebrate around events too) it sounds like she is trying to win at a game that you didn't realise you were playing.

@Boozybadger , I definately don't feel I pull a higher rank. As I've stated numerous times, MIL always celebrates her birthday at home. This is the first year she has not. She always said the best birthday present was having her family celebrate with her. When we visited for Mothers Day DH said we would, call in, drop in, visit, all the same thing for her birthday on St Patrick's Day. MIL said OK I will see you then. Of course we don't expect somebody to sit in all day it wasn't a vague, we might drop in, it was arranged. When we called around and they were not there, DH rang his sister who was just about to leave her house to visit her mother for her birthday. DHs sister was quite shocked that they were not in as she said I spoke to Mam the other day and said I would call over with her birthday present.

But do you really want them to say no to plans in case you decide to invite them, when you don’t really have for mom doing so? What is he supposed to do when someone invites him out for his birthday? Say “No, I am hoping for a better offer from MonkeyBuisness, but if it doesn’t come through in the next fortnight I’d be delighted?”

Just make plans for the following week, and have a discussion about Christmas now and invite your SIL and set a precedent going forwards that these are extended family affairs.

YABU.
Your SIL sounds like a lovely person who puts in a lot of effort with the PIL. It sounds like they are more drawn to her and like spending time with her.

You sound extremely jealous. You're not more important because you've been around longer. If you feel like your gifts arent good enough in comparison then you need to work out how to deal with your own insecurities.

Birthdays, christmas etc are all on the day each year. If you or your DH truely wanted to you could arrange something with them beforehand.

Your PIL are entitled to spend their big days and celebrations as they wish. They dont need to stay home just because thats what they've done for years and it was convenient for you or everyone else. They are allowed to go out where ever and whenever they want.

@Anywherebuthere You really have not read the full thread.

Sounds like they just prefer her hosting, add to the fact her husband is the golden child all the siblings where always onto a loser once he settled down with a hosting type wife.

Have you guys ever ever tried to arrange a big all sibling arranged party. A sibling / plus partner WhatsApp to arrange Christmas and inlaw parent parties?