SIL and PIL

[Monkeybusiness09]

Nc for this.

Will try and give all the information and not drip feed. SIL married BIL (DHs brother) about 7 years ago and they have a 13 year old son. She has two older children from her previous marriage. They had gone out together very briefly when they were younger so she was known to the family. I am with DH 25 years and married for 17, 4 kids.

Over the years SIL has gradually taken over any celebrations with PIL. Every year we visit MIL for her birthday, her birthday was yesterday, St Patrick's Day. We called around and they were out so left her card in the postbox and DH texted to say we had called. MIL texts at 6pm last night to say they were with SIL and BIL for the day and had a wonderful time. That's fine, DH asked would they like to drop in on their way home as they live around the corner from us, MIL replied, no thanks, too tired.

SIL never invites our family when she is hosting but it's steadily getting out of hand. She invites PIL for both their birthdays, Boxing day, New Years Eve and New Years Day, Easter Sunday. They visit for coffee after church every Sunday too.

Then it's the huge bouquets of flowers for Christmas, Easter and Birthday's and the specially made cakes. Anything we give looks miserable in comparison.

She has now started with other family members. She hosted a significant birthday party for another relative in her home when she knew we would not be able to attend which caused bad blood as it was a surprise party and she told the person we were invited but didnt know why we didn't turn up. We were away, we go away the same time every year. She knew this.

I'm just sick of it now. She is obviously the golden DIL as far as PIL are concerned.MIL loves to be adored.

What is this type of behaviour and why would somebody behave like this?

Why is that your SIL’s fault? Why are you blaming her?

@ChubbyMorticia , We have a home abroad and spend certain weeks there every year. Our whole family, friends, work colleagues all know when we are abroad as the weeks have been the same for the last eight years and SIL knows this too.

I think you're targeting your annoyance on SIL here rather than on PILs' behaviour - they seem like the people most at fault here. Is it worth your DH having a conversation about how you're all feeling really excluded from family celebrations and never get a chance to host?

I’m with @Codlingmoths
it’s very annoying and your DH should raise it.
My sibling likes to host and in a way it’s coming from a point that she wants to be in charge. My mum never challenged this as she didn’t like to cook/ host much plus she liked the attention (nowadays mum just too old so there is no question)
I think it’s on your PILs too, it looks like they not bother to come to yours/ get together with you. My mum would consider the offer as the opportunity not to host but she would definitely have a say whom to invite for her birthday (not for Christmas though)
By the way I’m surprised that you just popped in for a birthday, surely they could be out? I would ask first.

@crumblingschools , children are teenagers now. We visit with them on Christmas morning and go to church together. Don't see them for the rest of Christmas as they are in SIL and too tired.

Looks like your husband needs to have an honest chat with his parents about the situation. It would be okay if she included everyone but it sounds like she has an agenda.

Why do you keep blaming SIL (not BIL 👀) and not your PIL who are choosing to spend more time with them than time with you?

all I’m getting is that you dont like SIL so everything is her fault.

We didn't just drop in for birthday. My DH said we would call around for MILs birthday when we visited her on Mothers Day. They never said they were going to SIL.

And maybe the plans were made after?

You’re acting like there’s some big hidden agenda here when really, SIL seems to make more of an effort and is therefore better liked and that bothers you.

But why are you blaming her?

You and your dh didn't organise anything. Your PIL aren't taking turns or whatever you feel they should be doing. Your DH obviously hasn't raised it. Your BIL is also there.

The fact you're targeting her as the one to blame says to me you dislike her, and, as such, I wouldn't be inviting you either.

It's also ridiculous to assume someone is going to remember your holiday schedule, even if its the same time every year.

@MrsPeannut lol, OK!

Okay, personally I still wouldn’t keep track beyond knowing you go at some point. Other people’s vacations really don’t matter enough to me to keep track of 🤷🏻‍♀️

You seem to think that you’re the Main Character in all these events, that SIL is motivated by spite somehow. I’m suggesting you aren’t even on her radar. She’s doing as she pleases because it pleases her to do so. A surprise party while you were away? Should there not have been a party because someone had the misfortune to have a birthday during your vacation?

I’m sorry, but I think you’re being unreasonable and jealous.

If you love them and miss them then tell them how you feel.
If you aren't really that bothered about being with them then leave them to it.

They said the week before that they would be coming to see mil.
Mil didn’t mention her invite to sil’s.
I imagine bil is the golden child, my dm once threw me out so my sibling could stay!

Pray tell, what’s so funny?

How do you know they were invited already by then?

@ChubbyMorticia She had the party knowing full well we would not be able attend and then told the person she didn't know why we were not there. She also had the party two weeks before the persons actual birthday. If the party was arranged for their actual birthday we would have attended.

“We’ll swing by on your birthday.” is a vague idea. “Let’s go for lunch.” is a plan.

If it’s important, make a clear plan. I wouldn’t turn down a solid plan for my birthday in favour of a drop in at some point, maybe. Who wants to wait around all day?

So you ever invite PIL and SIL to your house?

Why didn’t they say though?
Dont come round because we’ll be out.
Its not hard is it?

We call in every year for her birthday as so other members of the family.

Sorry hadn't fed whole thread ignore my last

People are so odd on mumsnet and think you're only allowed to be bothered about things they would be.

You're allowed to be upset about it. I think your DH needs to speak to his parents and tell them how you feel.

It does seem strange that SIL organises things and doesn't invite you. I can't imagine doing that in my family.

Could you talk to her about it?

Because OP and her husband never made a solid plan. They said they’ll pop by at some point over a course of 24 hours.

I would just let it wash by - I am sure you have plenty of other things to do.

Let your DH do something about it if he feels so moved.