SIL and PIL

[Monkeybusiness09]

Nc for this.

Will try and give all the information and not drip feed. SIL married BIL (DHs brother) about 7 years ago and they have a 13 year old son. She has two older children from her previous marriage. They had gone out together very briefly when they were younger so she was known to the family. I am with DH 25 years and married for 17, 4 kids.

Over the years SIL has gradually taken over any celebrations with PIL. Every year we visit MIL for her birthday, her birthday was yesterday, St Patrick's Day. We called around and they were out so left her card in the postbox and DH texted to say we had called. MIL texts at 6pm last night to say they were with SIL and BIL for the day and had a wonderful time. That's fine, DH asked would they like to drop in on their way home as they live around the corner from us, MIL replied, no thanks, too tired.

SIL never invites our family when she is hosting but it's steadily getting out of hand. She invites PIL for both their birthdays, Boxing day, New Years Eve and New Years Day, Easter Sunday. They visit for coffee after church every Sunday too.

Then it's the huge bouquets of flowers for Christmas, Easter and Birthday's and the specially made cakes. Anything we give looks miserable in comparison.

She has now started with other family members. She hosted a significant birthday party for another relative in her home when she knew we would not be able to attend which caused bad blood as it was a surprise party and she told the person we were invited but didnt know why we didn't turn up. We were away, we go away the same time every year. She knew this.

I'm just sick of it now. She is obviously the golden DIL as far as PIL are concerned.MIL loves to be adored.

What is this type of behaviour and why would somebody behave like this?

@Feelinadequate23 , Thank You.

Does SIL act similarly with her own side of the family, or just your inlaws (because she's married to the golden child who needs to control or is enmeshed with his parents?)

How much do you see of your own wider family? With 4DC yourself I'd just be making your own plans for their birthdays and yours - invite the ILs along and live your best life.

It's similar with my parents in law. Their other son and his family monopolise all tje big occasions. For Mothers day hubby tried to arrange to visit but was told the other family were visiting them and there would be no room for us, not even for a short visit. Strange how mil will regularly have parties with far more people than that in her house...

You can’t undo golden child and i can imagine SIL has done this slowly and methodically and it seems such a mountain to cross. Is SIL unapproachable? Could you say in person…DSIL wonderful hostess we miss celebrating xxx ( but I would definitely say Christmas and Easter) with PIL. I know they love coming here and you do such a great job but can we celebrate these days at your house as an extended family? I realize we are “6” but it matters to me/dc/dh to see PIL and we will help with expense preparation etc. unless she hates you or hates hosting “big” can she really say no unless there IS in fact some nefarious hurtful intention? And if she says sure we can….follow up regularly until the day. Keep it on her radar and yours. A skilled hostess can add more people pretty easily. It’s more “work” but not different work. 1 lb green beans vs 2 lb idea. And is she says anything other than yes you know where it all stands. I still would pursue random dinner drinks cake something simple and family oriented on any random day with PIL unless they flatly refuse too.

Honestly OP, they all sound bloody awful and it's time you stopped chasing - they clearly prefer bil and sil, so why keep exposing yourselves to their constant rejection?

I think some posters have been very fortunate in not coming across someone like Sil in their lives - until you know someone like her, it's very hard to accept there are people whose whole modus operandi is to make people believe they are totally lovely, while quietly undermining and behaving extremely selfishly. I had a flatmate like this at uni - it was years before I cottoned on!

I would be quietly grateful not to have to spend Christmas with any of them !

I'd say it's his call then. We have always been the poor relations to sil and bil. I use to feel like it was some sort of competition and we were losing. But eventually I just left dh to set the pace and determine what our relationship with them looks like.

I agree with a pp. Pick a random day to invite them all around.

If they say no, you know where you stand.

They get to do all the caring when the time comes.

If the general plan was always people dtop around to see mum on her birthday, then if my sister suddenly invited mum to hers, my mum would immediately think lovely bit what about other daughter.

Now it may be she sees me another day (pre-arranges) but normally I'd also be invited to sisters at sane time.

So I blame the parents here mostly. Though she sounds an annoying pain too!

YANBU to feel hurt. They're unlikely to change though, so if you want a good relationship with the family you'll have to find a way to forgive the hurt, ongoing.

Maybe you could host the "eves". Christmas Eve supper, birthday eves, etc.

And maybe you could add a few different celebrations and traditions - Shrove Tuesday, May Day, Midsummers Day, Harvest, whatever takes your fancy.

If you're feeling extra gracious, you could invite SIL too.

MIL loves to be adored.

I got as far as that in the first post & thought "fuck that!"

I'd be glad to not be dealing with that shit.

Sad for your husband but they showed how little they think of him by always going elsewhere, not bothering to pop round when passing as "too tired".

I’m glad you’re going to distance yourself.

DH should go visit them if he wants but I wouldn’t send them any more invitations where you are hosting.

Inevitably SIL will lose interest in monopolising them when she realises you don’t care and then PIL will be wanting you to step in again. Please don’t!

Why hasn't your DH spoken to them about it?

Cross post

I do think you need to step back and let them get on with it.

You see them for other 'occasions' and sit back after and watch if anything happens

I would just let her get on with it all - and she can become chief carer too - when the time comes.

I bet in a few years when caring responsibilities come up, BIL and SIL won’t be first to volunteer then

Can you be a bit sneaky with the planning somehow? Pick a date or occasion that you would really like to host, get in super early and first invite PIL? You might have to push it. Don’t just accept it the first time they say no. Talk about how much it will mean to you all, what dishes you want to make or how nice it will be for the kids. Then (fingers crossed) they accept and you could even invite SIL and BIL to be the bigger person and begin to set occasions out on your terms. You need to somehow shake up the dynamics which will start with a conversation between you or your husband and the PIL.

Your bil is the golden child in this situation and his wife is regarded as the same. Your mil probably likes going to their house, getting meals handed to her and a fuss made of both of them. They probably agree with everything they say as well.

Meanwhile you and your husband are trying to keep up a relationship with his parents and any time you suggest doing anything sil has something planned for then. Along with this your husband works shift hours and you have 4 teenagers.
The truth is that your pil should say to her have you invited you and your family as well to x celebration? Your pil are making no effort for you in this situation or in general at the moment.

What probably happened is that when your kids were small it was hard for you to do or to arrange things and your sil had more time to arrange meals ect. She started to do this and it became her thing. Perhaps there is a house or money involved and she sees doing this will help her and her family financially in the future.
I currently know of several families that are dealing with or have dealt with elderly parents needing help or care and it's never ending. It's both physically and mentally exhausting.

In your situation I would keep in contact with your pil, sil and bil. If your pil are not willing to go to your house for the odd occasion or say to your sil have you invited x to our birthday ect I would let them make this decision. By making this decision they have let you off the hook when they need more care as they get older. By then you just going to be to busy that day but tell them to give your sil or bil a ring.

I would tell your husband now that your not going to be available down the line when his parents need help or care as they get older. Tell him they have made a decision not to make any effort to visit your house and they don't seem to care if you, him or your kids are invited to anything your sil arranges for them like mother's day ect.

I would not end up as a carer or taxi service to doctors and hospital visits in the future for this pair after the total lack of effort they are making for your family as a whole now.

We have a bit of this in our family.

DH and I both have younger siblings and they are both the preferred ones. My DH is very poor at planning ahead so I keep up the relationships on that side and actually they are not too bad.

On my side, I have had to take a big step back and try not to care too much. I prioritise my friendships and have a couple of friends I think of as my sibling/auntie figures. And DD has an additional "granny" (another friend).

When people play games (consciously or unconsciously), you don't have to participate!

Be the bigger person. Maybe invite them to something (in text so they can't claim you didn't) a few times a year, then when they inevitably decline, oh well! Maybe another time.

And send flowers and gifts and stuff by Moonpig or whatever.

Just try to care a bit less.

A great post by @Phineyj, I agree, step back and care less but make sure you still invite in writing!

PIL have gravitated a little more to SIL recently, even though she is further away than us (5/6 hrs compared to our 3). It has become apparent in a few subtle ways, but after a minor rant to DH, I have stepped back and care less. SIL can do more of the care in later years.

DH just says his sister is more organised, but when we have given a specific invite we have been turned down, SIL in same situation hasn’t been!

It was a surprise party, so being caught off guard was the point? And without knowing anyone else’s schedule, maybe it’s the date most people could make it?

But again, your BIL is involved here. Why is she the target for your anger? I really don’t understand how this is all SIL’s fault.

Because it's sil making all the arrangements? Just because this is bil's family, that doesn't mean sil isn't accountable for her own part in it. Although I think real blame lies largely with the pil who clearly have favourites.

OP, try to view this as your get out of jail free card, for not having any obligation to spend time with people who are horrible, just because they are family. And no obligation to run around after them in old age. You are free to just please yourself and your kids!

It sounds like you hate your SIL and are jealous of her in equal measures.

Also I think from the sounds of it your PILs prefer their company. I get that is shit but it's not all on your SIL. There's 4 fully grown adults making these plans and seemingly enjoying them enough to keep doing so.

I think you are getting a hard time on here, being called jealous, unorganised and entitled for turning up and expecting your MIL to be home when she usually spends her birthday at home and you had said you call in the previous week.

Just curious, what does the sister says about the SIL monopolising everything? Surely she wants to spend time with her parents. What was her reaction to her surprise party two weeks in advance of her birthday? And am I right in thinking there is a third brother?

It must have been hurtful for your DH when he was knocked back by his father to celebrate his birthday on June. I cannot imagine knocking back a child (even an adult one) knowing they are making an effort and have been left out. Your FIL could have suggested ALL going out somewhere neutral. It's HIS birthday. He is not contracted to go to SIL's. Could your DH have a word with his brother about it.

I like organising and doing things but I know when to step back and behave appropriately and not exclude people.

I agree with @Feelinadequate23 and others who recommend focusing on people who make your family a priority. Your SIL is clearly trying monopolize everything- well, let her. If your DH wants to say/do something, that’s up to him, but don’t get involved yourself.

Your SIL sounds incredibly annoying and not v. nice.

I understand what you are saying. Your sil and bil are basically isolating pils from a relationship with the rest of the family, or at least your husband children and you after having them in your lives for years.

Unfortunately had similar in our family. I try to keep in touch with siblings and extended family but I've left the sil to do her own thing and no longer bother anymore. Not NC just not the one to always try to be the person trying to reach out. Once she realised I wasn'tfalling for the toxic crap she went silent! Not sure what the issue was but after years of always dropping kids off to my place (so me looking after 7 /8 kids organising all the parties etc etc) and all cousins having a solid relationship suddenly it was never hear from them never see them and only contact if there was a complaint being made! Breaks the family up for sure (kids couldn't understand why we no longer see them not allowed to their house etc) but it is only to their own detriment. It was heartbreaking at the time and has caused bad feeling but I've tried to get the children to let it go and just be nice/kind when ever we do hear from them but not too be too invested etc so as not to get hurt again.
I'm guessing the pils have money or a house maybe and I would hope they would love all their children and treat them all well, but maybe line up a therapist for the fall out later on!