SIL and PIL

[Monkeybusiness09]

Nc for this.

Will try and give all the information and not drip feed. SIL married BIL (DHs brother) about 7 years ago and they have a 13 year old son. She has two older children from her previous marriage. They had gone out together very briefly when they were younger so she was known to the family. I am with DH 25 years and married for 17, 4 kids.

Over the years SIL has gradually taken over any celebrations with PIL. Every year we visit MIL for her birthday, her birthday was yesterday, St Patrick's Day. We called around and they were out so left her card in the postbox and DH texted to say we had called. MIL texts at 6pm last night to say they were with SIL and BIL for the day and had a wonderful time. That's fine, DH asked would they like to drop in on their way home as they live around the corner from us, MIL replied, no thanks, too tired.

SIL never invites our family when she is hosting but it's steadily getting out of hand. She invites PIL for both their birthdays, Boxing day, New Years Eve and New Years Day, Easter Sunday. They visit for coffee after church every Sunday too.

Then it's the huge bouquets of flowers for Christmas, Easter and Birthday's and the specially made cakes. Anything we give looks miserable in comparison.

She has now started with other family members. She hosted a significant birthday party for another relative in her home when she knew we would not be able to attend which caused bad blood as it was a surprise party and she told the person we were invited but didnt know why we didn't turn up. We were away, we go away the same time every year. She knew this.

I'm just sick of it now. She is obviously the golden DIL as far as PIL are concerned.MIL loves to be adored.

What is this type of behaviour and why would somebody behave like this?

Sorry, I missed this , can see it now.

@ThePoshUns , yes we most certainly do. They are invited to any celebrations we have,kids birthdays, bank holiday bbqs, dinner. SIL and BILs son visits my son regularly too and is always welcome. We bring him out on his birthday every year and always get him Christmas/Birthday gift Easter Eggs etc. We always bought the older two kids the same too. They are adults now so just send them a card.

I can see why you’re feeling sidelined and upset. The comments about bouquets of flowers and specially made cakes make you sound jealous, critical and petty. What’s wrong with flowers and cake?! Mentioning her older kids also sounds like you’re trying to show you and your family are more authentic members of the family or something.

Is DH as bothered as you are? Is there a history which predates SIL of BIL being the favoured one?

I’d try to separate out the issues and deal with the ones you can reasonably highlight to PIL if you and DH both want to make changes. Leave nice cakes out of it, but make it clear how much you’d enjoy hosting Christmas or Easter.

We didn't just drop in for birthday. My DH said we would call around for MILs birthday when we visited her on Mothers Day. They never said they were going to SIL.

Dropping in and calling around are the same thing and neither constitutes doing something for MIL birthday, so if SIL then suggested going out for lunch or something more special to celebrate, then of course MIL is going to go. Chances are it wasn't arranged by then. If on Mother's Day, you'd said "Let us take you out on your birthday" that might have been different. Doesn't sound like you were doing anything special on Mother's Day either. Which is fine - you've perhaps got into the the habit of visiting her or dropping in/calling around whereas SIL likes to plan things more. I know you say you've invited them, but you also say she only has them for Boxing Day and NYD so you could host them more at Christmas if you wanted to and got in there early. Saying it's SIL's domain now feels like it's easier to give up and blame her, same for the flowers and cakes that you can't possibly compete with. Perhaps it's not about her hogging them, more that she just enjoys doing these things and isn't factoring you in (no reason she'd have to invite the wider family, especially as yours is a family of six which changes the dynamic a lot).

Maybe that’s the timing that worked for everyone else?

Who told you that she said she didn’t know why you weren’t there? Unless it was SIL, I’d be cautious about accepting it as completely accurate, but as I said before, I’d absolutely forget that you were on vacation. Too busy with my family to keep track of other people’s stuff, unless I’m needed to do something for them, like pet sit, and even then, I’d have to set different reminders about it.

Unless your SIL has announced her goal in life is to tick you off, her plans really don’t have anything to do with you. And if it was such a big deal that you and your husband were at the party, why wouldn’t your BIL have said something? Or one of your other in-laws?

I see the point you are making OP, it's feeling deliberate on SIL's part that she's trying to sideline your side of the family. Is there money involved with the in-laws in the future?

Let them get on with it, sil and bil can deal with them when they are old and needing care , taken to hospital appointments and you and dh don’t need to do anything.

I’d love it if someone else had taken the pressure off of us.

@ChubbyMorticia the party was for my DHs sister. SIL told her she didn't know why weren't there as we were invited. DHs sister was surprised that firstly SIL claimed to not know why were were not there and secondly that she threw a party two weeks before her actual birthday.

@MiniCooperLover there is actually.

@AnneLovesGilbert ,her older kids have nothing got to do with this situation. I was giving background information. The same way I said I have four children.

I’m going to this leave this thread. It’s peak Mumsnet. Instead of accepting that a DIL actually enjoys spending time with her PIL (I mean, can you imagine the audacity?!), first it’s done deliberately to compete with OP and now we’ve moved on to it being part of a scheme to get an inheritance!

Bonkers!

Your mother-in-law and father-in-law are the issue. They are the ones choosing not to see you. Stop blaming your sister-in-law.

TBH If my DS told me he and his partner would call in on my birthday and then my other DS and his wife called (in person or phone) and said, “Hey how do you fancy coming round ours on your birthday? We’ll do some sandwiches and party food and have a cake” (or whatever) I’d go. That sounds lovely. I wouldn’t refuse because DS said he’d call in. Did you expect PIL to stay in all day on her birthday for you to call in?

Im with the others here. A discussion between DH and his parents is needed.

Every single year since 1976 my dad has been made to spend every single celebration and holiday with my step sister. One year I asked my step mum if she and dad would like to spend Christmas with us as I hadn’t spent a Christmas with my dad since I was 15. I got a flat ‘no, we always spend it with ‘my ‘shell’ (Michelle). She never even asked my dad on his opinion. I must admit, I cried.

My step mum has hosted many events since then, most noticeably my dads 70th and 80th birthdays. I didn’t get an invite to either. I’ve let it go now and stopped caring about the events I’m not invited to. At least I don’t have to make small talk with people who clearly don’t care about me.

Let it go OP. You will feel better for it.

@GenerousGardener, I'm sorry you have had to go through this. At least you can somewhat understand. People telling me to book in advance or organise things better doesn't work. We are told the same as yourself, sorry we always go to SIL and BIL on that day.

I agree with this. The SIL may or may not be a manipulating cow but the PIL go along with it.

@Monkeybusiness09 I totally understand. My stepmother takes over everything, I feel your pain. Just don’t bother anymore, take a card or present round at some point and let them all get on with it. If your Pil do mention that you don’t invite them or take part in things any more you can explained to them exactly why this has happened. Live your life and don’t worry about it. I wish you and your family well.

Take a leaf from SIL’s book and don’t invite her 🤷‍♀️

Like I posted above, your anger and irritation is directed at the wrong person. Your sister-in-law is getting thrown under the bus for your parents in-laws choices. Be angry at them.

Parents and daughters often have a different relationship than with sons

I would just let them get on with it.

I don't feel that her organising, hosting and giving generous gifts is an issue. Some people really enjoy it. I get so much pleasure from doing these things myself so I can relate to her.
However I find it a bit odd that she doesn't invite your family occasionally. Is there some bad feeling between you? I think it might actually just be that you're a family of six so instead of hosting two extra people they'd be hosting eight! That's quite a big difference and a lot more work.
I think you should start hosting more. Forget about the big occasions like Christmas and birthdays. Just have them round on an ad-hoc basis so you get quality time with the in-laws too. Don't try and compete with SIL. Let her crack on, but just offer to have the PILs round one Friday night or take them out for tea and cake one day.

The sister-in-law is not the parent's daughter. She's their daughter-in-law, just like the op is.

Why don't PIL speak up and say, actually we thought we would spend christmas/birthday with insert family members this year for a change . Or do they just meekly go along with SIL has planned?

Maybe tell both Sil & PIL that you will host the next event, let’s take turns? So you do it your way ie cozy family style and she has it her way..

You seem jealous that she is putting in more effort than you…. She puts in the effort and you don’t , she sounds like a great daughter who treats her parents well, maybe she thinks if she didn’t arrange these occasions no one would

If you want to host them for some celebrations discuss it with your SIL and arrange a schedule…. You seem like the kind of person though that would then complain if she did actually have to host