To not let adult daughter in back in the house?

[CantPutUpWithItAnymore]

Age 28. Just lost the 4th job in a row, owes us £000s despite living at home rarely paying rent and having well paid jobs when she’s working, constantly angry and abusive, tells me she’s going to knock me out and wants me dead, won’t do a thing around the house or even take her own washing out of the machine, leaves mess everywhere, wastes dinners that have been cooked for her, has constant screaming rows with her boyfriend on phone in house that whole street can hear even at 2-3am. She can be fine one minute then flips like a switch into a foul mouthed, screaming banshee

She’s been on drugs (denies still being on them but that’s a lie), will bugger off for days at a time to stay at bfs but refuses to move out, heavy drinker socially, sleeps all day when she’s at home which is why she keeps losing jobs as always late and when working from home, logs on then goes back to bed!

We have put up with this for bloody years hoping desperately she’ll sort herself out. She’s obviously got serious mental health issues but wont seek help or take advice. She’s got physical medical issues which we believe are from stress as she’s constantly angry and stressed out. She also constantly threatens to kill herself. We’ve done everything we possibly can to support her - sat in A&E with her all night, paid for therapy, paid off her debts, helped her find jobs.

She’s in a really toxic relationship, keeps breaking up with him then going back, he’s done awful things to her but she won’t cut him off. It is so distressing. Constantly crying about how he treats her and we’ve told her again to again to end it. She’s a beautiful girl and could have anyone but keeps going back as we think he’s supplying her with drugs.

Came back crying about him on Friday (after spending the week at his in bed all day while he was at work, not applying for jobs). DH said if she’s goes back to him again, we wash our hands of her. She said she’s finally done.

She was in bed from Friday night at 8pm to Saturday 6pm. Hadn’t eaten anything (regular occurrence). Then she thunders about getting ready saying she’s going to a booked event with him as already paid for. She also ordered clothes to wear that she didn’t get up to answer door for delivery then started swearing that no one answered the door. She was fired 4 weeks ago. No money. I’d cleared her debts (£3k) in Jan as she said she was stressed about them, insisted her job was safe (it wasn’t as she was having disciplinary meetings), she was sorting herself out, split with bf (for a week) and she would be giving me most of her wage to pay me back. She paid a small amount then got sacked!

So she spent more money on clothes to go out (and drinking and probably drugs)! We said she shouldn’t be spending money when she doesn’t have a job.

She could have saved thousands by now to move out and put a deposit on her own place but has nothing. Even her clothes are all cheap stuff, her room’s a tip full of rubbish and dirty crockery. She drives one of our cars(needed for work), but wouldn’t contribute to insurance. We’ve taken it back now. I just cannot believe it. She could have had a lovely life but she’s pissing it all way.

DH said if she goes out, she’s not coming back. MassIve argument. She goes. We tell her to move with bf and we’re done. Boyfriend says she can’t live with him (he has his own property but doesn’t want her to). We say she needs to go to council then and her stuff is in garage.

Despite all this I’m so worried about her. Even worried today that’s she’s safe at bfs or did they have a row and he’s dumped her somewhere which has happened before. They were going to a city nearby and don’t know if she had money for a cab or was out of it on drugs/drink. She’s not answering phone.

DH is furious and says she’s not his daughter anymore and he wants nothing more to do with her. I want her out too as the effect she has in the household is horrendous. Even fighting with younger siblings and swearing at them. They have been massively affected by her behaviour.

I know she is in a really bad state though and am terrified as to how she’ll end up.

AIBU to say enough is enough?

Msy delete this if DM pick it up!

I'd agree with everything you have said.
Well done to you for admitting it and well done to your son for finally facing his addiction issues.

Addicts whose parents are ''helping them out'' are just using that money to score with.
It is ''Enabling'' the addiction and behaviours to continue apace.

@CantPutUpWithItAnymore

My thoughts are to give it one last chance, but to lay down some very firm ground rules : I think you need to feel in control and to have a consequence if these rules are broken. She needs to be clear about what is unacceptable and the consequences. I think when people are on their lowest ebb like this, they need love, security and support more than ever.

I’d tell her how much you love her : how beautiful and intelligent she is, and that you are proud of what she has achieved educationally - and that she has the ingredients there to have a successful life.
Ask her what she wants out of life. Does she know?

If she wants to live/stay in your house : she needs to be respectful. If she threatens violence, is abusive, doesn’t help with chores then she simply cannot stay. She will no longer be allowed in your house, the locks will be changed and you will involve the police if she threatens you. Tell her that. You need to protect yourself, your family and you deserve to live in a calm, secure space.
She needs to get help. Drugs and alcohol may give a quick ‘high’ but then an awful low. They are not the answer to having a healthy, happy life : and she is better than that.
More than anything, I think she needs to feel positive about who she is, and what she can achieve in life. She may feel at a crossroads, confused : and needs a direction. She is not an awful person, and she needs to know that. She’s in a negative spiral : I think she needs to feel empowered to pull herself out.

Just came on here to say drug abuse and subsequent withdrawals can mickick virtually every mental illness going, especially cocaine and amphetamines

I'm so sorry OP. What a painful and exhausting nightmare you are living. It sounds like your daughter has addiction issues. An addict can only be helped when they finally choose to help themselves. This is such a painful thing to have to face, as someone who loves them.

I would strongly suggest you find a supportive therapist yourself and/or find a dedicated support network for you and your husband. Here is some guidance and some links.

addictionsuk.com/our-services/family-and-friends-of-addicts/#:~:text=Some%20family%20members%20have%20enjoyed,to%20ask%20for%20more%20information.

You're enabling her.

And you're putting your other children at risk.

She needs to leave and stand on her own two feet, even if that means hitting rock bottom (elsewhere) first.

I'm sorry. But she will never have a chance of getting better and getting her life in order if you keep bailing her out time after time after time after time....

Nasty and uncalled for!

Don't be so bloody ridiculous! Well brought up children can also go off the rails you know! Of course it's nasty! How can you blame parents if their child chooses to do drugs???!

If you've nothing constructive to add, maybe it would be best if you said nothing.

Plenty of other posters have given good advice, without sniping as you have.

That’s rubbish . I know a family going through a similar thing and they have done nothing wrong . The younger sibling and parents are going through absolute hell .

I agree . This absolutely has to be last chance . Personally I would be dropping her off as homeless , she is 28 not a teenager . And you have gone above and beyond to help her . I am betting things will not improve . Sorry .

Well we have other young adult DC who have never smoked, don’t drink or take drugs, raised by in same household by the same parents who also never smoked, don’t drink or have ever taken drugs. There were lots of discussions (lectures) from a young age about sex, relationships, drinking and drugs. We were the type of embarrassing parents who hoped talking about everything with our DC would mean they could freely ask us advice on anything in direct contrast to our own upbringings

How does that work then?

We can only assume that DD likes the feeling when she takes drugs (no clue what that feels like) more than living a great life and being part of a loving family.

She started doing pot at college with some girls from very naice families (told me immediately and I told her to stop, gave her loads of print outs about mental health effects etc) but continued onto harder stuff with her best friend at the time who came from a very well to do family and that friend certainly wasn’t influenced by her family either! We tried to ban her from seeing her, wouldn’t have her in house etc.

Funnily enough she cut off best friend and their friendship group a year before she met boyfriend as said she couldn’t be around them anymore due to drugs and was done with it. Friend really chased her to continue.

Was really proud as her as she was going to the gym, got really fit and healthy, no drinking, had a great job, saved a few thousand, then she met boyfriend, told me he did pot (don’t think she knew about the other stuff then) and she was going to ditch him as it was a dealbreaker! We told her to run for the hills but she didn’t and here we are today. We won’t have him anywhere near the house and he is terrified of bumping into DH. We’ve asked him to fuck off and leave her alone numerous times. She can’t explain what the hold he has over her is or why she’s wasting time on a relationship that’s not going anywhere, we’ve tried and tried to get it out of her. We can only assume it’s because of the drugs on tap. Money is always gone in a flash as probably giving it to him!

Not sure if anyone else has suggested this but have a read of the book ‘Mum can you lend me twenty quid’ OP. I think it would really resonate with you, going off your posts re daughters substance use.
No other advice to offer I’m afraid. X

You can't blame the boyfriend for everything op, this is your daughter and it's her habbit, she is grown up and making her own choices. Please listen to everyone that is speaking sense and show her the door now, if you don't nothing will change, it will get worst, then it will affect the whole families mental health. Even if she goes to rehab she might come straight out and go back on it.

OP you need to tell her to leave. She won't change until she has to

@CantPutUpWithItAnymore

And I got in with a druggie crowd in my early thirties. They weren’t bad people, although my parents would have hated them. They were lost and confused, and looking for a direction : as was I. I don’t think any of them became addicts, I think it’s rare that it happens : but at times there were fights, yelling, arguments.

I have my direction now, and I feel settled. I think most people in that crowd now do too. The voice in my head (which would have been strongly influenced by my parents) told me this wasn’t right, and to get myself stable.

And I don’t regret the time I had. It was crazy, with lows - but I also danced, made connections and discovered myself.

That sounds so terrible for you and your family.

As others have said, you need to either make her support herself by kicking her out and stop funding her. Or stay as you are.

Of course she will be panicked by the thought of being cut off. She knows that her lifestyle is not sustainable and she will hit rock bottom. She'll agree then go back to her normal self. The suicide threats are a way of controlling you, she's probably realised that rightly so you are worried and probably back down for a while.

How many chances have you given her?

You cannot help someone who does not want to help herself. It won't change until she wants to. And at the moment- there's no reason for her to stop taking drugs and sort herself out. She's got a roof over her head, debts that get paid off by you, etc.

She's 28 and you've done everything to support her. For you and your family's happiness and stability you need to cut her off. And safety- if you think her bf is dealing drugs, what's to say someone that she's pissed off doesn't come after her at your family home?

You're quite rightly worried about possible suicide after that post you read. But what if she really pissed off some unstable nasty people and they done something terrible like break in and smash up all your belongings, or worse- set it on fire whilst you're all sleeping?

I don't want to scare you but remind you that there's other people affected here

It's all well and good saying you need to some how separate from her boyfriend but how she's a grown woman. One your children have turned 16 you have very little say over their lives and their choices

One of the problems is that it sounds like you are just too nice! If you find it hard saying things in the first person, a trick I have found good is sometimes to invent a third person. For example, say that your husband filed a police report on her threat to physically assault you and it was classified as "threat of manslaughter". The police will not prosecute, but it has been given a file number. Oh, and the police told you to make a will due to the threat of assault, and you are dividing up your estate with 2/12 share to daughter, 5/12 to each of other siblings. That is in addition to the fact that you are changing the locks on Friday at 5 pm and the police have contacted all the neighbours with advice to call the police if she is heard/seen making a scene. Pass the buck onto "others" and start to live for your other children - and for you and your husband, of course! xxx

A young man I know well, had problems with drugs and alcohol, although he was never aggressive or unruly in any way, just anxious and depressed. I was sure he had some underlying mental health issues, but a few years ago he made a big change, went to AA and NA meetings and is now clean and sober. He seems to have no mental health problems, he is happy and contented, has a pleasant social life, with various interests, gets on well with his expartner, the mother of his 2 now teenage children, who have always loved him. The only sad thing is the years he has wasted, he is now in his 40s. However he tries to look forward, not back.
The key thing is to escape the addiction, which she denies, but why would you do drugs and drink, when it is ruining your life, unless you are addicted.

Somehow you need to separate her from the boyfriend,

Ridiculous. How exactly can the OP do that? This is a woman of 28. Besides which, she patently does not want to 'lose' the boyfriend. It's more likely to trigger her.

I don't agree with the "kick her out, it'll be the making of her" approach.

So what's your answer? Allow her to make everyone else's life a misery? Wreck the house? Invite the boyfriend round to take drugs? Put her parents into financial problems bailing her out? Yes, wonderful solutions. * *And by the way, which medical treatments are you talking about? How does OP get her daughter into these great facilities that don't exist half the time unless you pay megabucks privately or they have waiting lists a mile long? You can't just bundle someone into a taxi and take them to a rehab centre, not in the real world.

The only way forward is that the daughter has to find out the hard way that she's had her last chance. At present, the OP is enabling her, and that certainly isn't working, that much is pretty obvious.

I can't imagine what you are all going through. Unfortunately you are enabling her behaviour which is why she continues because she has you to fall back on. Tell her when she changes her life that you will welcome her back into your live.

Mothers love never stops. However, think tough love is needed and if she is si ill with mental health issues I would speak to her doctor as your DD may need to be sectioned. Not your fault but you have other DC to take care of. DD is draining you and your DH. A reality check is needed. Hope it works out for you all.

Sectioning doesn't help much, it keeps them safe for a few days and then sends them out with another addiction to benzos!

My brother was similar, has been unemployable for years after being fired from every job he's had. He expects my aging parents to provide never ending money and support. He has assaulted both my mum and dad physically. Even barging into my mums workplace demanding money for his "bills" AKA drugs which he smokes all day everyday. My parents have broken their backs to give him everything and it's never enough. His behaviour dominates our lives entirely and I am forever told it isn't his fault (it is he is a sociopath). I was expected to be the "good one" and to never need any support and it caused a great deal of resentment between my parents and I. They should have said no years ago and now they are stuck in this vicious cycle. He has ruined their lives, and I hope you can find a way forward with your daughter that will allow you to experience some peace. You are her parent not her slave.