To not let adult daughter in back in the house?

[CantPutUpWithItAnymore]

Age 28. Just lost the 4th job in a row, owes us £000s despite living at home rarely paying rent and having well paid jobs when she’s working, constantly angry and abusive, tells me she’s going to knock me out and wants me dead, won’t do a thing around the house or even take her own washing out of the machine, leaves mess everywhere, wastes dinners that have been cooked for her, has constant screaming rows with her boyfriend on phone in house that whole street can hear even at 2-3am. She can be fine one minute then flips like a switch into a foul mouthed, screaming banshee

She’s been on drugs (denies still being on them but that’s a lie), will bugger off for days at a time to stay at bfs but refuses to move out, heavy drinker socially, sleeps all day when she’s at home which is why she keeps losing jobs as always late and when working from home, logs on then goes back to bed!

We have put up with this for bloody years hoping desperately she’ll sort herself out. She’s obviously got serious mental health issues but wont seek help or take advice. She’s got physical medical issues which we believe are from stress as she’s constantly angry and stressed out. She also constantly threatens to kill herself. We’ve done everything we possibly can to support her - sat in A&E with her all night, paid for therapy, paid off her debts, helped her find jobs.

She’s in a really toxic relationship, keeps breaking up with him then going back, he’s done awful things to her but she won’t cut him off. It is so distressing. Constantly crying about how he treats her and we’ve told her again to again to end it. She’s a beautiful girl and could have anyone but keeps going back as we think he’s supplying her with drugs.

Came back crying about him on Friday (after spending the week at his in bed all day while he was at work, not applying for jobs). DH said if she’s goes back to him again, we wash our hands of her. She said she’s finally done.

She was in bed from Friday night at 8pm to Saturday 6pm. Hadn’t eaten anything (regular occurrence). Then she thunders about getting ready saying she’s going to a booked event with him as already paid for. She also ordered clothes to wear that she didn’t get up to answer door for delivery then started swearing that no one answered the door. She was fired 4 weeks ago. No money. I’d cleared her debts (£3k) in Jan as she said she was stressed about them, insisted her job was safe (it wasn’t as she was having disciplinary meetings), she was sorting herself out, split with bf (for a week) and she would be giving me most of her wage to pay me back. She paid a small amount then got sacked!

So she spent more money on clothes to go out (and drinking and probably drugs)! We said she shouldn’t be spending money when she doesn’t have a job.

She could have saved thousands by now to move out and put a deposit on her own place but has nothing. Even her clothes are all cheap stuff, her room’s a tip full of rubbish and dirty crockery. She drives one of our cars(needed for work), but wouldn’t contribute to insurance. We’ve taken it back now. I just cannot believe it. She could have had a lovely life but she’s pissing it all way.

DH said if she goes out, she’s not coming back. MassIve argument. She goes. We tell her to move with bf and we’re done. Boyfriend says she can’t live with him (he has his own property but doesn’t want her to). We say she needs to go to council then and her stuff is in garage.

Despite all this I’m so worried about her. Even worried today that’s she’s safe at bfs or did they have a row and he’s dumped her somewhere which has happened before. They were going to a city nearby and don’t know if she had money for a cab or was out of it on drugs/drink. She’s not answering phone.

DH is furious and says she’s not his daughter anymore and he wants nothing more to do with her. I want her out too as the effect she has in the household is horrendous. Even fighting with younger siblings and swearing at them. They have been massively affected by her behaviour.

I know she is in a really bad state though and am terrified as to how she’ll end up.

AIBU to say enough is enough?

Msy delete this if DM pick it up!

I am so sorry. she's your DD and I really do understand. You are her enabler. Dd knows she can do whatever she likes and you will pay her debts, lend her a car, let her off, accept her horrible behaviour. I am afraid your husband is right. Enough is enough. She has to stand on her own 2 feet now. Everytime you give her money or let her off you arent really helping her you are just making yourself feel better. Has any of the help and money you have spent changed anything? What you are doing obviously isn't working. Time for tough love. If she is a drunk or an addict everytime she opens her mouth shes lieing. Your husbsnd and younger children need you too. I am praying that you find the strenth. You are enabling her to ruin her life to make yourself feel better.

Ps I read some of the other replies and saw that she started using at 16. I think if you start using as a teenager it has a huge impact on the developing brain. Our brains aren't fully developed until 25. She's stuck at age 16.

I've been in a similar situation. Absolutely at the end of my rope. I reached out for help and the advice I got was that by paying off debts and putting up with abominable behaviour etc I was enabling... the threats of suicide were the worst. We were told that we had to accept that sometimes young people threaten suicide and sometimes they actually do it. It does not make it the parents responsibility. Sometimes you have to let people hit rock bottom before they get it. We took a massive deep breath and drew a line in the sand. It was horrifically worrying to start with, but gradually things improved and now we have a better, more respectful relationship. You have to think of yourselves and your other children. You matter too. Good luck.

Op your daughter has drug addiction and its not a case of someone liking how drugs make them feel, its a dependency at this stage and drugs will alter how someone acts. Even when not taking drugs their character and behaviour will be impacted. May I suggest you look to a drug advice service for advice to get a better understanding of what your daughter is going through, you need professional advice on the drugs issue , someone who has an addiction can't just stop. We can't advise you if she should come back to the house as I know you have the safety of the other kids and yourselves of course to think about however I think you need to start seeing her as a vulnerable adult rather then someone who is deliberately trying to upset you with her behaviour. I'm sure she doesn't mean it, I'm not excusing the poor behaviour , far from it but I'm certain she needs you right now more then ever. I think your tactic should be firm but loving. I would get the professional advice so you are fully aware of the issue and how you can help. Remind her you are there to support her but she has to put the work in, especially if she is to come home. Wishing you all the best.💓

You need to protect her siblings from further exposure and her behaviour. Your responsibility is to them now.

She has had your support above her other siblings for a very long time. Focus on their needs now.
Change the locks and let her live an adult life. No more bail outs.

She's a safeguarding concern to your other children. They will have witnessed her behaviour.
And for your own safety and sanity don't let her back. Yes something might happen to her but that's regardless of whether or not she is allowed to come back to your house, trash it and intimate you all. She is repeatedly.making bad choices and you can't change that. All you can do is look after yourself and the rest of the family. She is an adult.

No doubt her partner will dump her once he realises there's no cash any more and he's stuck with her. She'll have to go into emergency housing.

Either that or she continues living with you, causing mental health issues due to the trauma she's inflicting on you all, and risk getting into debt yourself.

She'll be fine.

I think she needs to hit her rock bottom. You cannot continue to enable her.

How on earth did you all get there?

Does she have SENs? PDA or ADHD?

I hate to say this but I don't think that there's anything you can do for her.

Let her go and she'll either sunk or swim. If she sinks then she'll end up in prison and there are drugs teams waiting for her. That may be when she finds her way.

If she were a child you could do more but at 28 you can do nothing.

You can only help her so much before she drags you to hell with her for good. Tell her that you love her and adore her guts and you will be there anytime to help her fight hard for her life and see her shine but you will NOT watch one more step of her downfall.She can go on with her self-destruction uninterrupted and give her whole being to her drag dealers and her lame addiction.Drug addicts often steal from their parents, manipulate them, beat them even kill them for money. I have a school-aged child and I can only imagine the profound pain these parents feel, it is probably the only thing worst than the death of a child.

I think that this is an extremely hard situation. I think that it's fairer to give her notice rather than just chuck her out, because now you have taken her back as she had no where else to go.

I think that I would get together and try to calmly come up with a list of consequences for her behaviours and try to get her to buy into it/get her to suggest what might be reasonable. I.e. you want her to leave, but ask her to come up with a counter proposal (i.e. if she wants to stay she has to propose what she will do to change and be very specific). It could involve you allowing her to stay for a further 3 mths providing that she undertakes therapy and spends a specific time seeking work every day. She's clearly not pissing her life away on purpose, but is stuck in a rut.

I have found this book on how to help an addict, whilst keeping yourself afloat, to be helpful. I think that it really helps to understand what they are going through in terms of the impact of drink/drugs on the brain and how this leads to selfish and defensive behaviour. I think that understanding addiction is key here. The book is also good at telling you how you could be inadvertently enabling the addiction and also what help you can provide and when you need to step away.

I have an alcoholic sister who sadly now has end stage liver failure. The book has helped me feel more understanding and compassion towards her, instead of feeling frustrated and angry. However, it has also taught me that family are usually not best placed to help and that the involvement of professionals is really important. You also cannot help someone who does not want to be helped.

It's comment's like yours that make me think mumsnet should be shut down. Op needs.to get professional advice and support and her daughter is clearly a vulnerable adult. Yes I agree about safeguarding the other family members but op will have to get advice and support from.ppl who have experience on these issues not from randoms like yourself that don't know what they are saying. Ops daughter has a drug addiction by the sounds of things and needs help.

What sort of work was she doing? Was she really interested in it or was it just a space filler?

@Stuckinthemiddle7890 She undoubtedly has a drug addiction. The thing is that she doesn't want help. So she should be allowed to threaten, abuse and make the lives of the rest of the family miserable? You know, just because she is an addict, the needs of the rest of the family don't matter? I agree that the OP should seek specialist advice which I suspect is that she need to stop enabling her. There is a book called Don't let Your Kids Kill You: A Guide for Parents of Drug and Alcohol Addicted Children by Charles Rubin. It seems to have largely good reviews - it will at least make you see you are not alone in this situation.

its a dependency at this stage

Not necessarily @Stuckinthemiddle7890 , it depends on the substance(s) and the person.

addiction is when a person craves a substance, alcohol or the feeling that a particular behaviour gives them, like gambling. They will pursue that craving to the detriment of their health, finances, relationships, breaking the law. They feel powerless over that craving. They can’t stop.

dependency is when the body is physically dependent on the substance or alcohol to function. Stopping drinking or the drugs leads to withdrawal symptoms (can be fatal for drinkers).

there is a large degree of overlap but you can’t always assume someone is both addicted and dependent. It is possible for someone to be addicted but not dependent (eg gambling or binge drinkers), and dependent but not addicted (eg a chronic alcoholic who hates how booze makes them feel but can’t stop due to the DTs). Insulin dependent diabetics are not addicted, but they are dependent because they need the insulin to function.

it is vital to address both addiction and dependency for successful recovery treatment. No point drying someone out by hauling them off to rehab if you don’t address why they are craving it in the first place, because they’ll just head off down the pub as soon as they get out.

Cut her out is my advice. You've had 12 years of this shit, right? That's quite enough time to wait before saying, enough. She wants to do coke? Fine. She can fund it on her own. She could have owned a house by now, be doing all sorts. But no, she's wasting it all up her nose. Cut your losses and in the long run hers too. Stop enabling her.

Just an fyi you can’t delete threads on Mumsnet

Mumsnet can, at the request of the OP.

They need professional help regardless. We can speculate as much as we want it's pointless. My point to the op was to get help and to factor in that the girl might have an actual addiction rather then tsking drugs because she likes it.

What sort of teenager acts like this...
I never did I would never speak to my parents like that it's vile.

I'm 33 so not much between our ages.

To OP.

Sometimes in life we come across situations where we need to stop and realise there is no helping someone.... until they are ready to ask for help themselves.

I have dealt with addiction (MIL) alcohol not drugs. And yes I understand there two different substances. But there just as wicked as each other.

I've been with my partner coming up 13years. We have an 11year old my partners mum passed away 1 year ago in September my son never met her... so I have a MAIN reason and a main reason.. MAIN being she wished him dead in the womb said I trapped her son and destroyed his life..I had a heavy bleed during pregnancy and she told me no point going to get checked the thing will be dead anyway she attacked me while pregnant which resulted in me having to recieve medical treatment for a dog bite my dog accidently bit me trying to protect me from her attack - I have respect for my elders but on that occasion I did lay my hands on her because I had to protect not only myself but my unborn child (whom I was told by professionals I would never have so he was mega precious cargo for me).

And the other main reason was the alcohol - this was a joint decision by me and my partner as my partner didn't want to have his child grow up with the environment he had his mum in and out his life disappearing all the time for days on end not knowing if she's alive or dead.
We over the 1st year of our relationship became parents and built a home... that was our good in the 1st year, our 1st 8months the above happened we had her sectioned we had her in rehab 2 times multiple arguments about not buying her alcohol her threatening to kill herself call police on my partners grandparents because they had her twins down England (we live scotland) said they kidnapped them she didn't have custody partners dad did...

Now I know many people wouldn't have stuck around with all that crap going on.

But I explained to my partner that at 5months pregnant I couldn't handle the stress anymore and I was leaving...I moved in with him to help him support his mum so I was moving out. He said he didn't want me to and that he couldn't leave so I explained that I had to leave for the sake of our unborn child...he swayed but decided to come with me as we had both had enough I told him he could stay I wasn't stopping him having a relationship with his mum but I couldn't have a child around this environment. But he chose his unborn son (he was 19 so I commend him for that).

My partner has alot of issues...

Not drink or drug related but mental health. Due to the trauma he suffered growing up after almost 13years I still don't know the full brunt of it all bit what I do know would make a grown ass man cry like a baby (I know all men cry and I'm happy that men are opening up about this. I'm an advocate for men's mental health , its just an old phrase for those of you who don't know). Ive been shocked to the core and he's told me that's not even the worst things...

My partner is a strong minded individual who had no sense of family dynamics he's sweet and kind and would do anything for our son (me also) his desire to be better is beyond incredible but he also lacks self confidence but believe me I got his back with that he can achieve whatever he puts his Mind to and trust me he's done amazing going into his 2nd year HND passed his HNC with an A this is the boy who caused shit In school had social work around growing up neglected and hidden by the social work as she was sleeping with his dad yeah I know shocking... he left school with no grades literally. Saying he left is a bit nice lol he pretty much wasn't there at all he dogged it (skipped school) all the time hisndad found out he left school one day by the school phoning him and asking if he could return books if he wasn't returning his dad asked what they meant as he was at school they informed him he hadn't been at school in past 6months so yeah thats how good his dad was growing up. (Changed man now sort of, as he now doesnt have any dependents.)

But my point sorry is no matter the situation some people change some people don't.
My partner changed his life because he wanted to.
His mum didn't because the alcohol covered her misery with life...she died through sepsis and organ failure due to the effect of the alcohol in her system.

If your daughter doesn't want help you can't force her unless she's mentally incapable of deciding that's how we sectioned his mum but she turned back to the drink as soon as she was out.because she didn't see the issue she didn't need help. They need to want it themselves.
The debt please don't clear anymore of her debt this will destroy you. Its hard I know because all you want to do is help the people you love but sometimes people need to be left with nothing to realise they need help.

Do right by your daughter let her see ifbshe loses you all she will lose everything you have her best interest at heart.

Don't allow the rest of the family to suffer through her choices its not fair on any of you

If you want any help or advice feel free to message me I'm always good for a chat and I will help were I can

Sorry for the major rant and going off on my partners story...x

OP I totally understand your terror of her killing herself if you don't continue supporting her, but if she doesn't get clean she'll likely die of her addiction one way or another.

It really, really is her life in her own hands. There is only one way she can win through this, and that means you must stop enabling her and cut her off. She has to want to get clean and she won't while you keep enabling.

As hard as it is, give her the gift of the one chance she has and let her go.

This behaviour can't be doing any good to your health or peace of mind. She definitely needs to live elsewhere, she has become entitled and believes you owe her, despite her bad behaviour!

Poor you.
Never trust an addict. Stop enabling her. She will only deal with this when she really really has to.

Sympathies. You are unreasonable and she’s alienating herself with this behaviour.

stay strong x

How are you any less of a random?

This is sad and so difficult.

I think you have to ask yourself at what point do you stop? At what point do you put the younger children first and stop allowing them to be exposed to this?

She is 28. Her life is her own and as much as you'd like to help and I would advise seeking support for relatives of drug addicts-there's only so much that you can do without enabling her behaviour.

At this point, she knows every job she loses, it's fine, you and her DF will bail her out. Every time she fights with her BF, the same. Every debt you'll clear. She won't take responsibility for her life because she doesn't have to and not only that-she can treat you all like crap in the process and get away with it.

I've no doubt that she's a very troubled woman, and hopefully she finds her way soon-but I think that by constantly bailing her out, it's only enabling her to continue down the path that she is.

It really may take hitting rock bottom for her to realise how much she needs to change.

I think it's time to prioritise the younger children and yourselves. You've done all you can do at this stage.