To not let adult daughter in back in the house?

[CantPutUpWithItAnymore]

Age 28. Just lost the 4th job in a row, owes us £000s despite living at home rarely paying rent and having well paid jobs when she’s working, constantly angry and abusive, tells me she’s going to knock me out and wants me dead, won’t do a thing around the house or even take her own washing out of the machine, leaves mess everywhere, wastes dinners that have been cooked for her, has constant screaming rows with her boyfriend on phone in house that whole street can hear even at 2-3am. She can be fine one minute then flips like a switch into a foul mouthed, screaming banshee

She’s been on drugs (denies still being on them but that’s a lie), will bugger off for days at a time to stay at bfs but refuses to move out, heavy drinker socially, sleeps all day when she’s at home which is why she keeps losing jobs as always late and when working from home, logs on then goes back to bed!

We have put up with this for bloody years hoping desperately she’ll sort herself out. She’s obviously got serious mental health issues but wont seek help or take advice. She’s got physical medical issues which we believe are from stress as she’s constantly angry and stressed out. She also constantly threatens to kill herself. We’ve done everything we possibly can to support her - sat in A&E with her all night, paid for therapy, paid off her debts, helped her find jobs.

She’s in a really toxic relationship, keeps breaking up with him then going back, he’s done awful things to her but she won’t cut him off. It is so distressing. Constantly crying about how he treats her and we’ve told her again to again to end it. She’s a beautiful girl and could have anyone but keeps going back as we think he’s supplying her with drugs.

Came back crying about him on Friday (after spending the week at his in bed all day while he was at work, not applying for jobs). DH said if she’s goes back to him again, we wash our hands of her. She said she’s finally done.

She was in bed from Friday night at 8pm to Saturday 6pm. Hadn’t eaten anything (regular occurrence). Then she thunders about getting ready saying she’s going to a booked event with him as already paid for. She also ordered clothes to wear that she didn’t get up to answer door for delivery then started swearing that no one answered the door. She was fired 4 weeks ago. No money. I’d cleared her debts (£3k) in Jan as she said she was stressed about them, insisted her job was safe (it wasn’t as she was having disciplinary meetings), she was sorting herself out, split with bf (for a week) and she would be giving me most of her wage to pay me back. She paid a small amount then got sacked!

So she spent more money on clothes to go out (and drinking and probably drugs)! We said she shouldn’t be spending money when she doesn’t have a job.

She could have saved thousands by now to move out and put a deposit on her own place but has nothing. Even her clothes are all cheap stuff, her room’s a tip full of rubbish and dirty crockery. She drives one of our cars(needed for work), but wouldn’t contribute to insurance. We’ve taken it back now. I just cannot believe it. She could have had a lovely life but she’s pissing it all way.

DH said if she goes out, she’s not coming back. MassIve argument. She goes. We tell her to move with bf and we’re done. Boyfriend says she can’t live with him (he has his own property but doesn’t want her to). We say she needs to go to council then and her stuff is in garage.

Despite all this I’m so worried about her. Even worried today that’s she’s safe at bfs or did they have a row and he’s dumped her somewhere which has happened before. They were going to a city nearby and don’t know if she had money for a cab or was out of it on drugs/drink. She’s not answering phone.

DH is furious and says she’s not his daughter anymore and he wants nothing more to do with her. I want her out too as the effect she has in the household is horrendous. Even fighting with younger siblings and swearing at them. They have been massively affected by her behaviour.

I know she is in a really bad state though and am terrified as to how she’ll end up.

AIBU to say enough is enough?

Msy delete this if DM pick it up!

This.

You let her land on her own two feet - which every adult needs to learn responsibility and basic adulting. She potentially is given the opportunity to turn her life around and learn that she can't get away with her behaviour because the real world doesn't allow it. Your other children are also given a peaceful and safe home life. Risk is she carries out her threats of suicide (which to be fair she could still do even if you keep bailing her out and letting her treat you and your other children like shit).

Or you bail her out again. Put her wants above your other children's needs. Fact is your other children will continue to have a shitty childhood. Risk is that they go no contact with you when they are older due to the shitty childhood and the fact you always prioritised their abuser above them.

You know the right thing to do - if you bail her out again it will only get worse. And you are actually doing your daughter a disservice. So no one benefits.

I really feel for you @CantPutUpWithItAnymore@CantPutUpWithItAnymore
This is i think my worst nightmare as a parent. I know you will do anything to try and keep your daughter safe, but so far your efforts aren't making a difference, you say yourself she is getting worse.

You providing her with all the home comforts whist she spins out of control may be enabling her descent rather that keeping her safe. She can behave however she wants and will always have food to eat and a place to stay. There is no incentive for her to change and she isn't finding the strength to do it herself. If you keep doing what you are doing, this dynamic will never change.

I can hear your fear, fear of losing your daughter, fear of her hurting other people. Our instincts as parents is to do everything in our power to stop this and protect our kids.

If you do continue to support her and have her in your home, you have to accept that you are tacitly accepting her shitty behaviour, and accepting the impact she has on your other kids and the family as a whole.

You could be the only possible change agents in her life. By not taking on this role, you have to accept that nothing will change for you, her or your family. It might help to ask if you are prepared to accept this outcome.

I really feel for you, it is a shitty shitty position to be in.

Stay strong, she has option, write a letter for the council saying she can no longer live with you. This might be the kick up the arse she needs. None of you can go in like this.

She's 28.

You are enabling this shit.

Be very very careful you don't lose your dh and other kids because of her.

I think you have to decide what your priority is here. To keep her safe (as safe as you are able to) or to help her change what is necessary for a good outcome in the long run?

YANBU but I really don't get this:

She’s a beautiful girl and could have anyone...

Sounds like you think being beautiful means a partner would just put up with all her shit?!

I am so sorry you and your family are going through this OP.

I'm going to come at this from a different angle as i was the Child without the drug problem in my family.

My older Sister starting doing drugs at around 17, started off with Pot , then onto Ecstacy, progressed from there until eventually Heroin.

I am a few years younger than her. Most of my teenage years were spent with 95% of my families focus on her, where was she, was she safe, alive, waiting for the key in the door, living under a constant feeling of unease wondering when she would turn up and kick off.

Nothing we did helped, We were trying everything we could think of. Rehab, residential in patient, sent her to stay with relatives in a different country, bribery, shouting, crying, threats to her boyfriend who was also a heroin addict.

I hated every second of it. I hated that everything i did or wanted would be overshadowed my what my sister needed. Every Birthday, Christmas, Holiday, Exam was just a battleground. I stopped spending time with friends, after all i didnt want them in the house to witness this, it was bad enough that they saw her out and about off her face. I felt a massive amount of shame.

Everything i owned was stolen at some point for drugs.
There were so many things we didn't do as a family because of the time and money needed to be directed to what help she needed at the time.

For years i felt like the forgotten child. Slowly watch my family, my parents marriage be destroyed day by day.

I ended up resenting my parents so much. I wanted to scream at them that they were allowing this to happen. They were making the choice to let her back in the house. I spent most of my gcse revison time in the shed because she was climbing the walls on another forced detox that was never going to work because she didn't want it too. What she wanted was for us all to shut up and fund her lifestyle. Nothing that we could have done was going to change that, we went through two pregnancy's and two abortions, three overdoses, a sexual assault.

It caused lasting and irreparable damage to our family. My mum has more or less smoked herself to death through stress, my dad had a heart attack - luckily survived but is a shadow of himself, and i have needed to step up and care for them both. My whole life has been a support act for a addict.

I get it now more as a adult myself. It wasn't that they loved me less, it was just that she took up all of their attention, and they just didnt have any thing left to give. At the time they probably thought i was fine - i wasn't i learnt to keep my head down, stay out the house, dread going home - even now i cant relax in my own home - a knock at the door, the phone at night. It has to stop somewhere.

But they choices they made not only destroyed there life, but also mine and it is hard to forgive.

I have stepped away as much as i can as i refuse to let this be a part of my Children's lives.

I feel truly sorry for my parents. They have never known peace for nearly 30 years.

You cannot live in fear of a suicide attempt. Nor can your kids, one of whom has additional needs.

Do you want to be doing this 5, 10, 15 years down the line? What happens if she attacks one of her siblings? What is you red line for an abusive, addicted adult who is not ready to change?

Exactly this. I've been the teenager who was crazy on drugs but thank heavens I grew up. I'm 44 and I still know people from that time and when i see them, they still act the same as your daughter does because no boundaries were ever set or like your daughter they would break them boundaries in purpose so they get their own way yet again. I was never like this even in my wild days because my mum would have knocked me out. 100%
And maybe that was what held me back but if I was you and yes even sympathising with your daughter somewhat, now is the time to say No to her, she is relying on you worrying about her to continue living her life as she pleases, but she's not worrying about how she is treating you and the family who worry enough to allow her to continue to distress and disrupt you and your lives. SELFISH BEHAVIOUR
She needs the tough love to be able to decide for herself if she loves and respects you enough to continue with the relationship on a better footing or you end it (until shes prepared to change) because she simply does not care about anyone else except herself.

And that's fine but you don't have to engage or be part of that, the abuse you are experiencing is horrendous. enough is enough. Sending love ❤️

Did you pick her up? My heart goes out to you and your husband, as well as your daughter for suffering like this. It’s easy to write someone off when they’re not the little girl you’ve raised and loved.

Can you arrange for her to go straight to rehab and drive her there? This is help you cannot provide to her.

I would continue to exhaust every option when it comes to seeking professional support and keep documentation of the resources you’ve tried, who you’ve spoken to, time and dates. This log might help you to:

a) Keep track of the services you’ve approached for help
b) Be a useful record if you get palmed off on another service, when trying to reach out to another
b) Hopefully reassure you, that you are doing everything you can to help your DD

If you are successful with rehab, I would ensure that your DD does not come back to live with you afterwards. She stands a good chance of reverting to form, if she doesn’t have responsibilities to own and can do whatever she wants, knowing she will have a roof over her head.

@Uglyducklingswan ’s experience is awful (I’m so sorry this happened to your sister and family). However, this doesn’t mean that if you run to your DD each time, you will avoid the same happening.

If you are firm but loving with your daughter “no, you cannot live here. It’s not helping you to get well. These are your options”, you might be able to keep your own guilt in check and help her to be clear on your boundaries, without outright rejection her.

Bringing her home now won't make her safe or healthy or happy. I know you feel responsible for her but you can't fix her. She has to want to help herself and, at the moment, she doesn't seem to want to. The best thing you can do for her, and the rest of your family, is to hold with what you have said - you can't have her back in the house until she commits to sorting her life out.

I have pmd you

@CantPutUpWithItAnymore I knew a15 yr old girl - private school- She fell in with a bad lot- a drug dealing much older boyfriend.
Her parents said they’d buy her a horse ( a lovely TB whom she used to ride at the yard,
He was a lovely horse and we told her how hugely lucky she was.
Her parents moved out of the middle class area of the city to keep her safe.

Fast forward 18 months
I was walking past a prison and I heard a familiar voice.

The young woman
She was visiting her boyfriend in jail

She d carried on behind parents backs - it was all for nothing!

Her parents had no idea.
She’d been bought a car so visiting him was easy!

Threats and fear of suicide- even people given absolutely everything by parents can commit suicide - Being a doormat and paying off debts won’t prevent it happening.

It’s every parent’s dread - but some adult children can be manipulative and threaten suicide to get their own way.

It doesn’t work!

Is there any neurovdiversity in your family? She sounds like she might have ADHD.
Might be worth considering.

This, and know that the addict has to be allowed to hit their rock bottom so that they can decide for themselves to become and stay clean.
Any talk of suicide warrants a 999 call.

...constantly angry and abusive, tells me she’s going to knock me out and wants me dead...

...She’s highly intelligent and has such a good heart when she’s calm enough to show it.

Seriously, stop deluding yourself. She has not got "a good heart" at all.

Your DH is right to disown her, she needs to get out and stay out for the benefit of the rest of the family.

I struggle to believe you've been handing her thousands of pounds when you know she's a drug and alcohol abuser. Absolutely incredible!

I really wish you didn’t have to see the suicide story, I’ll be honest & this is where we messed up with our son.

it doesn’t sound as extreme as your daughter in that he was never nasty to us, never shouted etc or caused any issues with his younger brother. However he developed a coke addiction & my cousins son committed suicide due to huge debts he’d run up with a dealer. I was so terrified that my boy could do the same that I ended up enabling him when I shouldn’t. I paid off his debts, I paid off his dealer when he came knocking on the door. All that did was allow him to run up even more debts & leave me in debt from trying to sort him out.

After getting some counselling through a drug clinic (he was supposed to go himself but didn’t & had every lie going) they told me I was making his addiction worse rather than helping him kick it. I’ve had to let him move out & stand on his own two feet. I don’t give him money anymore & he doesn’t ask anymore. He’s finally holding down a job & doing so much better. I could have carried on funding him you’re & making his addiction worse due to my fear about potential suicide. What I didn’t realise was that I was helping to push him more towards suicide by enabling him & making his addiction & mental health issues worse.

you need to talk to a specialist, to get the advice & support for yourself otherwise you’re going to end up with all your kids having mental health issues caused by allowing your daughter to carry on the way she is. Sorry but she won’t change whilst she doesn’t have to

@Namechange3004 I felt so sorry reading your post...the other children,who often become "collateral damage", are often forgotten in situations like this...the shame, the relentless hopelessness and stress. I hope you and your family have found some peace. is you sister still alive? are you involved with her? all I can say is, I believe everything happens for a reason and maybe this has made you strong and made you know exactly what you dont want to be or have in your life...

Can you arrange for her to go straight to rehab and drive her there?

it doesn’t work that way. A) tax funded places are exceptionally rare and given to people who have jumped lots of hoops and who are very committed to getting better B) privately funded rehab is $$$$ and even then it’s not like booking a hotel C) even if you have the funds and a place it is pointless if the addict has not expressed any desire or intention of changing. Many places won’t even accept a patient under those circumstances.

Absolutely this !!
I have known drug and drink abusers whose parents bent over backwards to help them..Mine would have shown me the door -zero sympathy and definitely not a penny!

I have heard adult children wheedling on the phone to parents for money to cover mortgage payments - and then go out and score !

The couple I knew lost a beautiful Georgian cottage despite being bailed out again and again by their respective parents.

The parents who seem to get tough, who call the police, who take no more shit are doing their adult child a favour.

Tell you what, @CantPutUpWithItAnymore - if your daughter was to tell how she's behaved to her family to a group of recovering addicts/alcoholics, they's see right through her games
They can see through the manipulation.

Cocaine Anonymous/Alcoholics Anonymous groups {Meetings} - these can be scoffed at by addicts still using, but they can definitely help some people.

I’m so sorry OP. She won’t change while you and DH are there constantly bailing her out of various situations.
She needs to hit rock bottom in order to fight her own way back up again.
You’ve tried everything - you just cannot influence adults enough to help them change/make better decisions unless they want to.
I hope you find the strength to put your other DCs, your DH and you first.

Less of the animal slurs. This woman is an abusive human not an animal. Animals don't behave like abusive druggies