To not let adult daughter in back in the house?

[CantPutUpWithItAnymore]

Age 28. Just lost the 4th job in a row, owes us £000s despite living at home rarely paying rent and having well paid jobs when she’s working, constantly angry and abusive, tells me she’s going to knock me out and wants me dead, won’t do a thing around the house or even take her own washing out of the machine, leaves mess everywhere, wastes dinners that have been cooked for her, has constant screaming rows with her boyfriend on phone in house that whole street can hear even at 2-3am. She can be fine one minute then flips like a switch into a foul mouthed, screaming banshee

She’s been on drugs (denies still being on them but that’s a lie), will bugger off for days at a time to stay at bfs but refuses to move out, heavy drinker socially, sleeps all day when she’s at home which is why she keeps losing jobs as always late and when working from home, logs on then goes back to bed!

We have put up with this for bloody years hoping desperately she’ll sort herself out. She’s obviously got serious mental health issues but wont seek help or take advice. She’s got physical medical issues which we believe are from stress as she’s constantly angry and stressed out. She also constantly threatens to kill herself. We’ve done everything we possibly can to support her - sat in A&E with her all night, paid for therapy, paid off her debts, helped her find jobs.

She’s in a really toxic relationship, keeps breaking up with him then going back, he’s done awful things to her but she won’t cut him off. It is so distressing. Constantly crying about how he treats her and we’ve told her again to again to end it. She’s a beautiful girl and could have anyone but keeps going back as we think he’s supplying her with drugs.

Came back crying about him on Friday (after spending the week at his in bed all day while he was at work, not applying for jobs). DH said if she’s goes back to him again, we wash our hands of her. She said she’s finally done.

She was in bed from Friday night at 8pm to Saturday 6pm. Hadn’t eaten anything (regular occurrence). Then she thunders about getting ready saying she’s going to a booked event with him as already paid for. She also ordered clothes to wear that she didn’t get up to answer door for delivery then started swearing that no one answered the door. She was fired 4 weeks ago. No money. I’d cleared her debts (£3k) in Jan as she said she was stressed about them, insisted her job was safe (it wasn’t as she was having disciplinary meetings), she was sorting herself out, split with bf (for a week) and she would be giving me most of her wage to pay me back. She paid a small amount then got sacked!

So she spent more money on clothes to go out (and drinking and probably drugs)! We said she shouldn’t be spending money when she doesn’t have a job.

She could have saved thousands by now to move out and put a deposit on her own place but has nothing. Even her clothes are all cheap stuff, her room’s a tip full of rubbish and dirty crockery. She drives one of our cars(needed for work), but wouldn’t contribute to insurance. We’ve taken it back now. I just cannot believe it. She could have had a lovely life but she’s pissing it all way.

DH said if she goes out, she’s not coming back. MassIve argument. She goes. We tell her to move with bf and we’re done. Boyfriend says she can’t live with him (he has his own property but doesn’t want her to). We say she needs to go to council then and her stuff is in garage.

Despite all this I’m so worried about her. Even worried today that’s she’s safe at bfs or did they have a row and he’s dumped her somewhere which has happened before. They were going to a city nearby and don’t know if she had money for a cab or was out of it on drugs/drink. She’s not answering phone.

DH is furious and says she’s not his daughter anymore and he wants nothing more to do with her. I want her out too as the effect she has in the household is horrendous. Even fighting with younger siblings and swearing at them. They have been massively affected by her behaviour.

I know she is in a really bad state though and am terrified as to how she’ll end up.

AIBU to say enough is enough?

Msy delete this if DM pick it up!

Or she could just be a rude, entitled, immature person, who is also an addict. The OP can't diagnose her daughter, she's only left dealing with the chaos and disruption to life that the daughter is creating. Neither can OP force the daughter to seek help - she will have to hit rock-bottom and then do it for herself - if she wants to.

I'm so sorry. It's really awful.

We had a similar situation albeit not quite as bad. But dd can't hold a job down (doesn't go, calls in sick, just stops going). I think she's on 8 jobs now (none have lasted over 6 months). A stream of dreadful boyfriend choices. No addictions but lots of weekend socialising and being ill from it. Bailed her out of thousands in debt, paid car insurance etc multiple times. She'd just lie in bed all day, then go out smoking weed with friends on a night and miss work.

We ended up with an ultimatum- you give up another job and you give up living with us. And that's what happened. She lives between inappropriate boyfriend and grandmother. We still see her but refuse to be involved in financing the lifestyle.

It's awful but I know I'd have had a breakdown if she'd stayed. And I suspect you are the same. Also - you are enabling this lifestyle by letting her stay. She's a grown up, time to go it alone.

i had an upbringing similar to yours OP but like your daughter I also became a drug addict (now coming on to 11 years clean and sober).

I feel for you as there is NOTHING more chaotic, dark and terifying than living with an addict. You are on eggshells never knowing what mess or explosion will happen next. It grinds away at your mental and physical health.

In NA we have a saying, "Put your oxygen mask on before helping others with theirs". It means you MUST look to your own health and wellbeing first, and not sacrifice yourself to save others.

For this reason I believe you need to livingly but firmly cut your daughter loose. Change the locks on your house and if she breaks in call the police. Let her know that you love her very much but can only engage with her and help her once she is clean, well and living a healthier life.

This will give her the impetus she needs to get well - if she wants to.

What you are doing right now, cleaning up her messes, is just enabling her in her painful and sick lifestyle. It is counterproductive for both of you.

I really feel for you because you’ve obviously tried really hard to support her and straighten her out the “kind” way. It’s time to accept that hasn’t worked for her, and won’t work for her.

You’ve given her every opportunity, and chance after chance. The only hope she has now to straighten her life out is to feel the discomfort of the consequences of her choices. She needs to sit with it - no comfy home, no financial backup, no unquestioning support.

If she asks to come back, be crystal clear: we got here because you wouldn’t have therapy, give up drugs, dump the boyfriend or check your appalling behaviour.

It might be tough for you but it’s the right thing to do. Sending you strength!

You cannot go on and on letting her beat you up. Someone said this to me once when i needed to let go. As others have said she needs to stand on her own two feet, shes not a teenager!

i feel for you, it must be awful. Change the locks!

You mustn’t blame yourself OP. You obviously love your daughter and have done everything within your power to give her a great start in life, bailed her out over and over again, allowing her to abuse you in the process.

I (like you) had a difficult childhood, wasn’t supported or loved by my parents and then was just sent out into the world to fend for myself age 18 with never having had any emotional support or love. It was very hard. People like us usually love our children to death, swearing to give our children the childhood we never had. I tend to swoop in far too quickly to “save” my children in situations when they need to learn hard lessons. It does them no favours, they never learn consequences or how to fix situations themselves. It’s something I recognise now with the help of a therapist and I’m working on letting my children fail sometimes, learn how to fix their own problems without me swooping in and wrapping them up in bubble wrap to prevent any negative feelings!

I would really recommend going to see a therapist to chat about issues you had as a child yourself and how that has affected the way you save and bail out your daughter again and again. I hope you don’t think I’m blaming you for the situation by saying this, it’s not your fault…….. but it might help to unpick this a bit further.

This was my first thought as somebody living with someone with BPD, it's all so familiar.

As @Kaithewaterguy says, look it up and see if it might match. There is treatment for BPD, medication and therapy that can make it manageable but otherwise it is a very difficult condition for those affected and their families.

He's the source of the drugs. And the drugs are the source of the bad behaviour.

... Although, it seems he can hold down a job. So either she's using more than him, or has greater vulnerability to the effects. On the information @CantPutUpWithItAnymore has given, I'm inclined to agree there is a mental health problem; I wouldn't presume to know what.

DD can keep a job for six months or longer; she isn't out of control but seems to be self-sabotaging and also self-medicating. Until she decides to work out what's driving her to destroy her relationships and prospects, this is only going to get worse. As others have said, she's unlikely to do this until she's run out of options. The boyfriend's an 'option' for her; I'm in favour of reporting him, if only to put him off taking DD in again.

It's a heartbreaking story, OP. I'm sorry you're in this position. I like @Nicole1111's ideas on how to show support without sacrificing your family and finances.

You and your family have been through the mill with her, and you need to put yourself and younger kids first. Some people just end up difficult, regardless of their upbringing, and you can't sacrifice your life for her toxic relationship with her awful boyfriend.

I hope you get some peace when you get some space from her. You can still have her in your life, but on your terms - eg meet for coffee or lunch, but outside your home, don't have her back.

I feel for you OP, as a Parent its so hard to let go but I think you have to.
A family member was in a similar situation but said no more after a GP said "There is no doubt they are sinking, the question is are you going to let them take you and everyone else with them?"

Yes you are inadvertently enabling her, by rescuing her.

She needs to want to help herself and until she gets that realisation, she won’t change. Tell her the door is always open when she actually wants to sort herself out - and the minimum for that, is stopping seeing the boyfriend and drugs, and seeking help through the therapists.

Travelling??? And who's going to fund that when OP says that her DD has no money?! FGS talk about facilitating bad behaviour. This is an almost 30 year old woman and behaving like an unruly teenager. She needs kicking out and fending for herself without her parents in the background bailing her out. As PPs have said, sometimes when you think you're helping, you're not helping at all. She will continue to behave like this until someone puts a stop to it.

I have a family member exactly the same but younger. They have bpd/eupd and if you google eupd, they have all the symptoms to a T. I don’t let them come to the house any more nor do I give them lifts because they are so volatile and it is not safe for me or other family members to be around them. You never know what they are going to do from one minute to the next and you can’t trust them. I do help them with money as they spend all the money they get and then they are literally starving.

It is really hard when you want to help and support them but I find it doesn’t actually make a difference. They don’t listen to advice, they won’t change their behaviour, they are still rude and aggressive even when you are with them to do something helpful and they definitely don’t appreciate any of it. I think it’s time she moved out permanently and you let her get on with it.

I worked with a cocaine user who had ADHD and he could just about hold down a job and appear normal but the rest of his life was a shambles. You couldn't even go for a drink at the pub without him wandering off never to be seen again, he never had anything basic he needed for work, could sit at his desk and lose his phone and wander around looking for it and getting distracted by other things. (Unless it's different for women).

Somehow you need to separate her from the boyfriend, plus look into medical treatments that go beyond therapy (looking into diagnoses as some people have suggested, and maybe some kind of rehab or retreat or bootcamp away from him where phones aren't allowed). But I agree she also needs to want to make a change because it's going to be hard enough even if she wants to do it.

I don't agree with the "kick her out, it'll be the making of her" approach. Because probably it's not going to end well, since she has no money or way to get help. It will drag her deeper into her addictions and some dodgy paths.

Painful I realise, but not letting your daughter back is what I think you should do.

You have to let her bottom out. You and rest of family have been supportive enough at present, and it is affecting everyone else’s health etc.

Don’t worry about her moving in with boyfriend. From what you say he doesn’t want her there full time so will not have her. If nothing else this may break her attachment to him if he won’t take her in and she has nowhere to go (that she deems acceptable).

She will have to go down the homeless route and will find it hard and humiliating. Part of this will involve her engaging with other services. If she contacts at this stage DO NOT bring her home even if you are heartbroken for her. She will mean every promise she makes but won’t be able to carry through and remain straight for quite some time. She needs a longish period of cold hard reality and sobriety on her own two feet if she is to make it. The longer you delay in cutting her off the more ingrained her behaviours will be.

Please don’t worry about the opinions of others. Lots of parents carry on bailing out adult kids because they are worried about the son or daughter’s behaviour becoming so bad it causes a lot of gossip and nastiness. Delaying is just that, and makes the situation worse long term. Good luck. 💐

@potato57

Your comment about finding a way to 'separate ' her from her boyfriend.

Remember this is a 28 year old , 100% an adult.

I'd council @CantPutUpWithItAnymore to separate them from her !

I would give her one last chance under serious rules.

Weeks drug test, getting down to the job centre, weekly rent payments.

Attending NA and new phone or phone spot checks.

no contacting exbf.

she has to stick to these rules for a minimum of 3 months any slip up she has to go.

Or she can present herself to the council as homeless

You could try an intervention, stating that the boundary is now set and she must get rehab for her drug addiction. You don't want her to end up in prostitution obviously but she can't live with you any more and needs to try being accountable and independent. However much of a nightmare she is still keep telling her she is loved and you want to be supportive but your boundaries are XXX. Let her know you'll be there for her but she has to take help now. The BF sounds awful, can you speak to his family at all or has she a friend not involved in this mess?

I'm so sorry to hear of your position. It's absolutely awful for you all. But I agree with the posters who say kick her out and change the locks. You have your marriage and other DC to care for and love. All of which will suffer if you continue to enable your daughter. She's shown you all how much she can walk all over you and suffer no consequences.
I agree with @Sicario that post was spot on.
You've done all you can for her, she needs the tough love of having no support from you. Don't have her near the house; change the locks; pack all her stuff up and dump it at the boyfriends; only meet her well away from your home, (but only at your convenience, not after a cry for help).
Only then may she acknowledge she needs help and get herself sorted out.
I wish you the best of luck, stay strong for the sake of the rest of your family 💐

TW: Suicide

It really hurts my heart reading this as my sister was exactly like this. I'm sorry to share our awful tragic experience, but I hope it helps you know you aren't alone and you can't do anything to help your DD.

My parents, like you, went above and beyond in trying to get my DS off the drugs, paying off debts, giving her a home for free (while she stole from them to fund the drugs). Despite being clever at school and having a loving family, she bounced from job to job, hated the world and was horrible to everyone, thought everyone was against her, so argumentative and all because of drugs. Similar story, weed from age 14/15 which is probably what caused the mental health conditions, paranoia, anger, depression, leading to god to knows what, fighting, getting arrested. Over and over and over my parents tried to help, but she threw it back in their faces. Ultimately (she was 28, nearly 29), she attacked my mum while high and my dad said enough is enough, get out and come back when you've calmed down. She was so high, and drunk, she did the unimaginable, took her life. I'm sorry to share this, but you have to be prepared for this sort of outcome.

That's not to say you shouldn't chuck her out. I wish my parents had chucked my sister out years and years before, rather than go through all the heartache they did.

I'm just sending you massive support and solidarity as there is absolutely no answer to this, nothing else you can do to help. She needs to want to be helped. Let her go. Put yourself first for once.

And please please please get some therapy to help you deal and know this is not your fault. You know that.

This.

It is not acceptable to have someone who says this to you under your roof.

Oh god, I’m so, so sorry for yours and your parent’s loss @Uglyducklingswan

This is my worst nightmare, that she may carry out her threats. She’s threatened to crash the car into a tree so many times (one of the reasons we don’t want her driving as well as putting other people at risk if high) and refuses to answer phone after similar threats leaving me going nuts with fear. We even put a tracker in the car (our car) for that as well as suspicion she may be driving boyfriend to deal drugs. They found it and smashed it up!

I just can’t cope with the thought that she might take her own life. I’ve always been optimistic that she’ll sort herself out, everything can be forgiven and forgotten (we’d laugh about it later on) and she’d start living the life we hoped she’d have, find a nice boyfriend, settle down etc.

It was absolutely horrendous just keeping her in college and pushing her through her degree. It’s shocking to think she actually got a 2:1 with the way she was behaving, barely turning up, and heavy drinking and drug use. She’s highly intelligent and has such a good heart when she’s calm enough to show it.

We thought when she got into a career and moved out, all this shit would be over but the years keep passing and it’s even worse. Been with this bf for almost 4 years. She told us he was a pot head early on and I told her to bin him straightaway. Not about all the other stuff he’s involved in. She was in a much better place just before she got with him and had been off drugs completely for a good while but jumped straight back in.

I’ve had her on the phone to me this morning after I texted her that we’d help her do a referral for rehab when she’s ready and I’ve found a support group she can go tonight so I can drive her there and wait outside until it’s finished. She insisted she’s coming home, screaming that we can’t cut her off, repeating ‘Mum, are you really cutting me off’ while screaming and sobbing.

After @Uglyducklingswan’s sister’s story, I’m going to have to go and pick her up! We’ve already lost one daughter (stillborn), I will NOT lose another child!

DH has suggested locking her in her bedroom and and not letting her out until she’s got drug support in place but I don’t think that’s feasible as she’ll be screaming the house down and we’ll have the police at the door!

I'm so sorry what a nightmare. You and your DC need to feel that your home is safe. For ever mess she makes she is taking time and resources away from the younger ones.

She needs to grow up and find out how hard life is. But that's on her. At the moment even though this sounds chaotic to us she might be either very unhappy but unwilling to change because adult life is boring or happy because she doesn't have to grow up.

My ex neighbor was like your DD. She was an addict who thought she was better than everyone else and of course addicts can only have one relationship, with the addiction.