To not let adult daughter in back in the house?

[CantPutUpWithItAnymore]

Age 28. Just lost the 4th job in a row, owes us £000s despite living at home rarely paying rent and having well paid jobs when she’s working, constantly angry and abusive, tells me she’s going to knock me out and wants me dead, won’t do a thing around the house or even take her own washing out of the machine, leaves mess everywhere, wastes dinners that have been cooked for her, has constant screaming rows with her boyfriend on phone in house that whole street can hear even at 2-3am. She can be fine one minute then flips like a switch into a foul mouthed, screaming banshee

She’s been on drugs (denies still being on them but that’s a lie), will bugger off for days at a time to stay at bfs but refuses to move out, heavy drinker socially, sleeps all day when she’s at home which is why she keeps losing jobs as always late and when working from home, logs on then goes back to bed!

We have put up with this for bloody years hoping desperately she’ll sort herself out. She’s obviously got serious mental health issues but wont seek help or take advice. She’s got physical medical issues which we believe are from stress as she’s constantly angry and stressed out. She also constantly threatens to kill herself. We’ve done everything we possibly can to support her - sat in A&E with her all night, paid for therapy, paid off her debts, helped her find jobs.

She’s in a really toxic relationship, keeps breaking up with him then going back, he’s done awful things to her but she won’t cut him off. It is so distressing. Constantly crying about how he treats her and we’ve told her again to again to end it. She’s a beautiful girl and could have anyone but keeps going back as we think he’s supplying her with drugs.

Came back crying about him on Friday (after spending the week at his in bed all day while he was at work, not applying for jobs). DH said if she’s goes back to him again, we wash our hands of her. She said she’s finally done.

She was in bed from Friday night at 8pm to Saturday 6pm. Hadn’t eaten anything (regular occurrence). Then she thunders about getting ready saying she’s going to a booked event with him as already paid for. She also ordered clothes to wear that she didn’t get up to answer door for delivery then started swearing that no one answered the door. She was fired 4 weeks ago. No money. I’d cleared her debts (£3k) in Jan as she said she was stressed about them, insisted her job was safe (it wasn’t as she was having disciplinary meetings), she was sorting herself out, split with bf (for a week) and she would be giving me most of her wage to pay me back. She paid a small amount then got sacked!

So she spent more money on clothes to go out (and drinking and probably drugs)! We said she shouldn’t be spending money when she doesn’t have a job.

She could have saved thousands by now to move out and put a deposit on her own place but has nothing. Even her clothes are all cheap stuff, her room’s a tip full of rubbish and dirty crockery. She drives one of our cars(needed for work), but wouldn’t contribute to insurance. We’ve taken it back now. I just cannot believe it. She could have had a lovely life but she’s pissing it all way.

DH said if she goes out, she’s not coming back. MassIve argument. She goes. We tell her to move with bf and we’re done. Boyfriend says she can’t live with him (he has his own property but doesn’t want her to). We say she needs to go to council then and her stuff is in garage.

Despite all this I’m so worried about her. Even worried today that’s she’s safe at bfs or did they have a row and he’s dumped her somewhere which has happened before. They were going to a city nearby and don’t know if she had money for a cab or was out of it on drugs/drink. She’s not answering phone.

DH is furious and says she’s not his daughter anymore and he wants nothing more to do with her. I want her out too as the effect she has in the household is horrendous. Even fighting with younger siblings and swearing at them. They have been massively affected by her behaviour.

I know she is in a really bad state though and am terrified as to how she’ll end up.

AIBU to say enough is enough?

Msy delete this if DM pick it up!

Who the hell would rent a flat to someone in her circumstances? The only way the DD would get a flat is if the OP was her guarantor - and that is asking for trouble.

She needs to head to the council and be housed in emergency accommodation. Little chance of her keeping it though as she would still have to pay something for it.

My god
What some people would give to swap places with her, a supportive family emotionally and financially.

I wouldn't have dreamed or even dared threaten to punch my parents or wish them dead.
I made my own way in life with not a penny given to me by parents, I got my own place at a young age, evicted, realised what a mistake i made, started again, each mistake or 'failure' I started again, had to toughen up, come back stronger etc etc with no support, very hard times, thinking back it helped build my character.

I think you are going to have to stick to your guns with this, she sounds extremely ungrateful for the very privileged position she has been in at your home as a 28 year old adult.
She needs time to realise, she really does, and I don't mean a week or a month, I mean you've got to actually force this woman to stand on her own two feet at this point.
It's not helping her to rescue her each time, she has to rescue herself now, honestly.

Best of luck, you sound like a really caring mother so setting boundaries with her will feel like you are letting her down.

Yes exactly. We’d have to be guarantor as she’s never rented and her credit score is shit (so mad as we drummed into her to build up a good credit score for a mortgage since she was 18).

Flats are £1k a month here anyway so we’d have been liable for a damn sight more than £3k as she can’t keep a job for more than 6-9 months.

I have young children so can’t comprehend this, I wouldn’t keep her in the house but I would try to get her away from the Bf. Is there anyone she could stay with for a few months that is far enough away for her to have a change in lifestyle? Could you encourage travelling or something?

Cocaine

If you kick her out though will she end up living with him

How about writing her a letter with a bullet point list of her behaviours that you find unacceptable whilst living under your roof.
Tell her these are the things she needs to improve or or else the current living arrangement won’t work,

If it is down in writing ( you keep a copy) she will have time to stew over it and reflect,
To be reasonable you could state in the letter that if there is anything she considers to be unreasonable about your / your husbands behaviour then please let ye know so that ye can all work together to make it a harmonious living environment ….. I know it sounds a bit hippy dippy but I think she needs to see these points in writing as if you verbally try and raise them with her it will probably turn into an argument and none of it will get listened to

Same here. My father left and made a new family when I was very young so it used to make me quite emotional seeing how close DH and DD were and how DH adored her. My mother was very abusive and neglectful as well and I had a very unhappy. traumatic childhood. Never, ever did I even talk back to my mother.

I left home at 18. My mother didn’t know or care where I went and had to give her half my wages from my weekend job from age 14.

I’ve sometimes wondered how I’d have turned out if I’d had a mum like me!

DD has never experienced anything that I did. I don’t think we spoilt her but she had lots of great experiences, lots of love and attention, got everything she wanted (within reason) so maybe we did!

The only thing we did differently with her as opposed to the younger ones was put her in nursery from 9 months so I could go to work. With the others I stayed at home until they went to school as felt bad that we’d done that with her!

OP I have no answers but I live in fear of this happening to me with my eldest. Diagnosed serious mental health issues, plus diagnosed ASD from an early age and ADHD. I absolutely understand where you are right now and I wish I had an easy answer. I get it, I really do and I wish I was like the earlier posters that couldn't understand it

I am by no means an expert, but have dealt with/ encountered this kind of behaviour before and it was as a result of drug addiction.
I think that could be where the problem lies. Do you know what she takes? ( I know crystal meth causes severe mood swings, extreme erratic behaviour and odd out of kilter eating and sleeping patterns) .

As with the airline oxygen mask analogy, you need to look after yourselves first. Your ultimatum is not unreasonable - it's up to her to recognise and sort it. I wish you well.

Oh wow OP I'm sorry to hear about your struggles with your daughter's lifestyle. Look it's a very difficult position to be in, her terrible behaviour, drug abuse and inability to stick with a job are all a good reason to kick her out. But. She's your daughter, she has what sounds like pretty bad mental health issues and she needs serious help. I don't have good answers for you, but this situation can not continue. I would sit her down when she gets back and have a calm, rational conversation, tell her that you are fed up and won't enable her anymore. Help her find a job and flatshare, maybe pay the deposit for her? She needs to get rid of the loser boyfriend, he's dragging her down.

I have had to hold DH back from doing something he’d go to prison for the rest of his life for to the bf on many occasions. If we didn’t have other DC (one who will never be independent), he would have. DD knows this and doesn’t care.

We did ask her if she’d go to relatives abroad who we know would love to have her for a few months after she got fired (we’d pay for everything!) to distance herself from bf and drugs and she said yes, then promptly went upstairs and started a screaming row with her bf on the phone. We know she’d keep in contact with him and do the same over there. Relative would be horrified at her behaviour and can’t put that on them.

We’ve been encouraging her for years to save and travel the world. Some of her old friends went earlier this year. She’d fallen out with them over her bf and behaviour and had no money to anyway. Such a fucking waste!!!!

Op please don't blame yourself. You have gone above and beyond to help your daughter and I honestly believe that was the right thing to do. However you can help her no further now. I do hope she is OK, maybe she will find her own way but she has to want to change.

This reminds me of my brother. He has everything in life he needs to be a success but he is determined to self sabotage.
I have gone through years of being on hand to help him which was never appreciated and in fact was thrown in my face. Now I am no contact for my own sanity and I would never go back to speaking to him.
For the sake of your other kids don't let her step foot in your home again. Letting her in won't fix her, it will only make the others dislike their lives.
Big hugs 💐

Could you go to a parents support group for kids on drugs? Not because it's your fault but you would get support and advice. Sometimes the advise is...detach/ detach. I suppose there is no way of getting her into a rehab where she may come off drugs?? I would keep saying to her how much you love her but her behaviour is unacceptable and she has to go. Tell her your door is open if she wants to behave but for the moment she is out.
Another thought occurring to me is she may have inherited some mental health issue from your mother and needs a diagnosis. Your mother's behaviour has made you vuto her manipulation of you for money etc so getting support for yourself would help you to stand strong. Alanon would provide that support too. Don't be afraid to go as that's why they are there and you need all the support you can get.

I left home at 18. My mother didn’t know or care where I went and had to give her half my wages from my weekend job from age 14.

This was pretty much my situation, and I was determined to never let my children feel the way I did.

I think you've tried your best, gone above and beyond, probably because you didn't want history to repeat itself.

It's very tricky with addiction though isn't it, I haven't personally used drugs myself but know people like this and I think it just gets hold of them. I think the advice you have been given about seeking support from services would be helpful for you, I doubt your daughter would attend (based on what you've told us) but may help you and how you respond to her behaviours.

Its going to be hard worrying and not knowing how she is but how much longer can you put up with this without it having serious implications on your own wellbeing (as it likely has already).

I wish you all the luck with this 💗

OP, I think that it might be helpful for you to go to therapy. Not for any other reason than for someone to talk to and to help you process what must be very complicated emotions. There are many therapists who have significant training to help families of drug addicts--they may be able to give you coping strategies, or at minimum to just be an ear.

This is so sad, I would have been so grateful for parents they did so much for me
She is ungrateful because she can rely on you you need to stop being so generous
Not an issue with you, you're just being a good mum but she is taking the piss

And it's likely drugs guessing cocaine?

Honestly, I know it’s tough… She’s not going to grow up while she has you paying her debts or being her landing pad. You need to stop blaming her boyfriend too. Not saying he’s great, because he’s probably not, but she knows what she’s doing. She needs absolute rock bottom. She might call you from there and you will have to break your own heart and drop her at the hospital. She will need to clean up. She will have to know that coming home is absolutely not an option. We’re not talking about just a couple of weeks, but months and months. She will need to be consistently clean and employed in a solid job for a good six months before you allow her to set foot in your home - as a visitor.

I feel the last option is sink or swim time.

Support you are giving isn't amending her behaviour, instead its reinforcing. Why go through the effort of changing when you can be bailed out?

I was a nightmare in my 20's, mental health, undiagnosed autism. Although not quite as extreme, i did inadvertently destroy relationships, cause immense stress it became unmanageable for all involved. After the last stint in hospital my family dropped me off at the council as homeless. You know what...best thing that ever happened. I had to look at myself to create the change i needed, and see my part, take responsibility for the chaos that had followed. I did have trauma, but it was me that enabled it to continually destroy me and everyone i loved.

Its harder to implement changes as you get older, the longer it goes on and the more ingrained it becomes. If she doesn't move in with BF and they class as homeless, she will be with the people that can identify her specific needs and refer to relevant parties. Sometimes unemotional Support from other parties can be effective rather then those tightly engrained through familial bonds. You are easier to manipulate then professionals will be.

You will feel awful and get a lot of hostility directed at you. But you will have to seperate yourself for a bit. Direct her to professionals and state you can't meet her needs ect. Sounds like you have exhausted all other options and its time you gave some attention to your other children too, they also need you.

I think that's extraordinarily unfair. I know a lot of wonderful parents whose children aren't okay. Some have huge mental health issues (I know two wonderful sets of parents whose sons turned out to be schizophrenic, which meant that they changed really fundamentally in their later teen years). Some have become drug addicts, through absolutely no fault of the parents; some of these are dealing with other traumas that have nothing to do with parents (like assault), while others just started experimenting and became addicted.

Sure, sometimes this is the result of parental-inflicted childhood trauma or shitty parenting with a lack of boundaries. And sometimes it's just what happens when children are mentally ill or become addicted to drugs.

Not everyone who's not doing well is not doing well because of their parents.

Tell her to seek professional help. Find phone numbers of charities which help people like The Salvos. Give them to her.
Refuse to have her back in the house. It is not fair on her siblings. She needs to seek help and a new course.
Her father should call around to speak with the bf and state what is happening and that he wants bf to leave her alone.

Arrange for your garage door to stay open with a sleeping bag inside should she find herself homeless or in danger.

It is terribly sad but you are not qualified to help.
Your assistance has been abused and the risks are too great for your other children.

I'm sorry op. It's heartbreaking for you. You've put nearly 30 years into her and helping her. You can't keep letting it destroy you. No doubt your guilt will be sky high but it's time to step back now. I would seek counselling for yourself though.

She sounds exactly like my brother who has FINALLY been kicked out after he completely ransacked my mums home while she was on holiday.

shes been getting voicemails and texts while he’s on a binge to call her a cunt and say she’s killed him - threatening suicide etc. I’ve told her to block him. This isn’t new behaviour - it’s a pattern.

im not excusing his behaviour because he truly is an entitled, sociopathic emotional abuser but he has been “saved” so many times it’s meant he has had zero boundaries or consequences for his actions and it’s just ended up enabling him further. I could tell you stories about him that would make your hair turn white. It’s also put strain on my and my siblings relationship with our parents.

sometimes when you help, you aren’t actually helping.

she needs to go and sort this out herself as painful as that’s going to be for everyone.