To not let adult daughter in back in the house?

[CantPutUpWithItAnymore]

Age 28. Just lost the 4th job in a row, owes us £000s despite living at home rarely paying rent and having well paid jobs when she’s working, constantly angry and abusive, tells me she’s going to knock me out and wants me dead, won’t do a thing around the house or even take her own washing out of the machine, leaves mess everywhere, wastes dinners that have been cooked for her, has constant screaming rows with her boyfriend on phone in house that whole street can hear even at 2-3am. She can be fine one minute then flips like a switch into a foul mouthed, screaming banshee

She’s been on drugs (denies still being on them but that’s a lie), will bugger off for days at a time to stay at bfs but refuses to move out, heavy drinker socially, sleeps all day when she’s at home which is why she keeps losing jobs as always late and when working from home, logs on then goes back to bed!

We have put up with this for bloody years hoping desperately she’ll sort herself out. She’s obviously got serious mental health issues but wont seek help or take advice. She’s got physical medical issues which we believe are from stress as she’s constantly angry and stressed out. She also constantly threatens to kill herself. We’ve done everything we possibly can to support her - sat in A&E with her all night, paid for therapy, paid off her debts, helped her find jobs.

She’s in a really toxic relationship, keeps breaking up with him then going back, he’s done awful things to her but she won’t cut him off. It is so distressing. Constantly crying about how he treats her and we’ve told her again to again to end it. She’s a beautiful girl and could have anyone but keeps going back as we think he’s supplying her with drugs.

Came back crying about him on Friday (after spending the week at his in bed all day while he was at work, not applying for jobs). DH said if she’s goes back to him again, we wash our hands of her. She said she’s finally done.

She was in bed from Friday night at 8pm to Saturday 6pm. Hadn’t eaten anything (regular occurrence). Then she thunders about getting ready saying she’s going to a booked event with him as already paid for. She also ordered clothes to wear that she didn’t get up to answer door for delivery then started swearing that no one answered the door. She was fired 4 weeks ago. No money. I’d cleared her debts (£3k) in Jan as she said she was stressed about them, insisted her job was safe (it wasn’t as she was having disciplinary meetings), she was sorting herself out, split with bf (for a week) and she would be giving me most of her wage to pay me back. She paid a small amount then got sacked!

So she spent more money on clothes to go out (and drinking and probably drugs)! We said she shouldn’t be spending money when she doesn’t have a job.

She could have saved thousands by now to move out and put a deposit on her own place but has nothing. Even her clothes are all cheap stuff, her room’s a tip full of rubbish and dirty crockery. She drives one of our cars(needed for work), but wouldn’t contribute to insurance. We’ve taken it back now. I just cannot believe it. She could have had a lovely life but she’s pissing it all way.

DH said if she goes out, she’s not coming back. MassIve argument. She goes. We tell her to move with bf and we’re done. Boyfriend says she can’t live with him (he has his own property but doesn’t want her to). We say she needs to go to council then and her stuff is in garage.

Despite all this I’m so worried about her. Even worried today that’s she’s safe at bfs or did they have a row and he’s dumped her somewhere which has happened before. They were going to a city nearby and don’t know if she had money for a cab or was out of it on drugs/drink. She’s not answering phone.

DH is furious and says she’s not his daughter anymore and he wants nothing more to do with her. I want her out too as the effect she has in the household is horrendous. Even fighting with younger siblings and swearing at them. They have been massively affected by her behaviour.

I know she is in a really bad state though and am terrified as to how she’ll end up.

AIBU to say enough is enough?

Msy delete this if DM pick it up!

I wouldn’t live with anyone who threatens me with violence, so on that alone, she would not be moving back in.

I totally appreciate that Uglyducklingswan's tragic story has put the fear into you, but if you're constantly prioritising your oldest daughter over your other children - which IS what you're doing, as their mental health and safety comes after hers - you will risk losing them too. Of course she's screaming and crying but it is her CHOICE to stay with the loser boyfriend. She could leave him and start afresh with you - but she wants to have her cake and eat it. You are enabling this. Nothing is ever going to change until you take a firm line with her.

@CantPutUpWithItAnymore - I'm so sorry you are in this position but you have done absolutely all you can and it is time to call a halt now for the sake of the rest of your family and also, for your daughter.

It is a sad fact of life, that some people can't be helped and the more you do for them, the more they take. Your daughter takes drugs and she has to really want to permanently come off them, or it won't happen. You understandably don't want to see her 'in the gutter' but if she has any chance of turning her life around AT ALL, she needs to hit rock bottom first. You giving her somewhere to live and settling her debts, is actually enabling her not to hit that rock bottom.

I do understand how hard it will be not to allow her back into the house and not paying off any more debts, but you really only have 2 choices:

1. Don't let her back in the house, stop paying her debts and she may manage to turn her life around. Or she may not - but your family life with the other members will be much better for everyone. If she doesn't manage to turn things around, you have done all you can and more.
2. Let her back into the house and carry on as before. She will not turn her life around because she has no need to and the rest of your family will all be affected for the rest of her/your lives

I have a friend with a drug addict son and she has struggled - but she too got to the stage a number of years ago, where she had to stop bailing him out. She has also had to accept that he is who he is - he's in his mid-40's now and he isn't going to change. ( she has 2 other grown up children who are lovely people, so not her fault, at all. I've known her for many, many years since all our children were small)

You are not responsible for a 28 year old who won't be helped. Please believe that. Try not to feel guilty either. I know that is easier than done, but your daughter has chosen to live the life she leads

You are not being unreasonable. Either way she's making your lives unbearable. . If you ask her to leave you will worry yourself sick. If you don't you will be abused and still worry yourself sick. You need to allow her to reach rock bottom, harsh though it sounds. When she does we can all only hope that she can either get herself together or ask for and accept the help she so obviously needs
I know that while you're waiting and hoping she won't be far from your mind but until then your and your other children's lives will be more normal and bearable.

You need to prioritise your other children. They will resent you for always ‘putting her first’ even though you aren’t. You are however not protecting them from her. Imagine your home, your safe space being invaded by a screaming, abusive thug threatening violence. She will keep doing this over and over because you always pick up the pieces. You always bail her out. She needs to hit rock bottom and it won’t be pretty. Kick her out and actually mean it, then get some therapy for you, your husband and your other children. Put your focus onto them before you risk loosing them as well.
She may have poor mental health but as long as she keeps doing drugs and drinking no mental health unit will touch her. She needs to take some responsibility for this situation herself and you bailing her debts out, lending her cars and letting her in your home to abuse you all is just treating her like a victim.

My dear, I am so sorry for what you are going through - and also for the effect on your family, especially other children.

I would sit your daughter down and say her father and you have decided that she needs to get married to loser boyfriend (or similar). You will give her until the end of the week, but as of Friday 5 pm she will not be able to live with you any more. You will give her today to digest this news and will start moving her things out tomorrow. You will also be providing her with some basic financial advice, a few recipes for cooking and information on how gas/electricity/council tax bills are paid.

@CantPutUpWithItAnymore

I've just read your latest update.

After @Uglyducklingswan’s sister’s story, I’m going to have to go and pick her up! We’ve already lost one daughter (stillborn), I will NOT lose another child!

No you don't have to go and pick her up. I'm sorry to be so blunt but your daughter may indeed either take her own life or overdose on drugs. But that can happen while you are still helping her, just as easily. You can't control what she does. And in many ways, you have already lost her as she is not the child you knew. I know this is hard for you. Awful. But you need to stop enabling her

You might find it helpful to find local support groups to you FOR you and not her. Not sure where you live in the country, but it might help you come to terms with what is happening and finding a way to deal with the situation?

https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/addiction-support/advice-for-the-families-of-drug-users/

Would it help if you just focused on one thing? Getting her support for leaving her abusive relationship. That in itself is incredibly overwhelming, many adults don’t manage to leave abusive relationships for years.

If she succeeds in that then that is a huge achievement, regardless of drug taking or employment or any longer term grand plans. Personally if I feel my life is chaotic and a mess then trying to fix everything at once is really overwhelming and leads to shutdown and no progress at all.

I don't think there's any right decision here. You can't put up with this on the basis that if you don't, she might take her life. That's just no way for you to live and you can't be responsible for her decisions like that.

Have you been in touch with any support organisations? List here https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/recreational-drugs-alcohol-and-addiction/drug-and-alcohol-addiction-useful-contacts/

AdFam maybe? http://adfam.org.uk/

I am so sorry for what you are all going through. I just don't know how I'd cope in similar circumstances.

I really can't advise you as I don't know enough about these situations, but I do know one thing, I would not put myself or my family through the danger and destruction of an violent disorganised addict in my home. Police would be my first move and eventually a restraining order.

But that's easy for me to say. Unless you are in the situation the decisions that are right are often the most difficult and even impossible to contemplate. But it must happen sooner or later. Your husband may leave, your kids may resent you and develop issues of their own. There is a lot riding on your enablement here. I wish you luck anyway.

my adult adopted daughter started on drugs, beat me up, screaming at dh when he was dying of cancer because we wouldn't let bf of 2weeks move in, smashed things if she couldn't get her own way. dh took picturies of my injuries and said we would go to police if she didn't leave, she was on drugs and wouldn't stop. i am afraid until your daughter gets help this will carry on.

Yeah, I only got as far as knocking you out and wanting you dead. Hard no.

Agree with @Silvers11 - seek specialist support (multiple sources) for yourself to learn how to navigate this in a healthy way.

You can't force your daughter to accept help - I'm sure you have tried over and over again. She will seek help when she is ready, and that day may never come but most likely it will. Especially if she has to because mum isn't there sorting everything out for her.

@CantPutUpWithItAnymore DO NOT pay her debts!- paying adult children’s debts just encourages more debt.

Be really tough.She is absolutely abusing you and your family.

She is possibly taking an amphetamine type drug that squelches appetite.
This will make her cranky and vile as well.

You have to be tough.

The fact she’s threatening violence- Absolutely not on.

She’s ruling the roost at the moment with her atrocious behaviour.

Gain back control.

She needs her own place paid for by HER.

Council??

This will sound blunt and shocking OP, but you are enabling her now and she will never get better while you are. You have to focus on your other children.

Her choices are her own, whether that is to ask for help or to run away or worse. You didn’t cause this, you cannot control her, you can’t cure her. The three Cs for families of addicts.

https://smartrecovery.org.uk/smart_family__friends/

Sadly until your daughter hits rock bottom theres nothing you can do that will ever be enough or change things. You are though going to make things a damn sight worse for everyone else if you fall for her tactics. Blunt advice but true.

@CantPutUpWithItAnymore l agree with everyone on here who has said you're prioritising her over your other DC.

She has a choice.... they don't..... and I'm going to be blunt, you're messing them up mentally by allowing DD to continue living in your home.

What happens if their school find out about the unsafe environment they are being forced to live in and put in a Safeguarding Concern? You could loose them too.

I completely understand your fears of losing her, but to be blunt you are sacrificing your other children in order to help only her - and your help isn't helping because she isn't ready to take responsibility for her own decisions.
They are living in fear of her, they are losing opportunities because of the money you are wasting on her, they are spending their lives worrying about you and what they are coming home to, I'm sure they cant have friends over in case she's there kicking off, they probably don't want to be home themselves. This situation is v likely to cause mental health and relationship issues for them in the future, you risk losing them over her. You need professional help and support I think Al-anon would be a good place to start

I’m on my second journey with this. Eldest son got addicted to heroin, I helped him get off it only for him to relapse again. Addiction turns people into sociopaths. They lie, they steal, he turned the whole family against him. I didn’t kick him out he went of his own accord, but then I let him move back, he got a new job but I was suspicious because he was still skinny. My fourth son was married with two daughters and told me if I took my eldest back he wouldn’t speak to me again but I did anyway, only for him to throw it back in my face yet again and he disappeared. Lived on the streets.
Fast forward to 2017 and my fourth son split up with his wife and moved back home. He was out on the town every weekend and then moved into a flat with his girlfriend. He was working but never seemed to have any money. He got into serious debt and then he asked to move back home. They lost the flat, had a car repossessed and he was asking to borrow money from everyone. Turned out he had become addicted to cocaine. But for the first time at the weekend he didn’t go out and said he was going on the wagon. I live in hope. But he has never been abusive towards me, in fact neither of them have. The eldest ended up in prison for attacking someone (he claimed it was self defence) but he got off drugs and was housed in a town about eighty miles away. I still don’t trust him enough to have face to face contact because he is manipulative and a pathological liar. All you can do is cut her out of your life, if my son was abusive he wouldn’t be living here. But at least he doesn’t steal from people like the eldest did.

It is every parent's worst nightmare however you can't continue to have the threats and everything else that's going on, if she is going to do there's nothing you can do to stop it. It could well be that the quicker you throw her out the quicker she may come to her senses, either way it's not fair for any of you to have to go through it.

Don’t let the tragic suicide of uglyduckling’s sister get you running back into rescuing behaviour. My work and private life mean I know many families facing similar nightmares to your own. The ‘difficult’ child dominates everything, the siblings have to somehow make sense of the chaos and distress which is a constant feature of their lives.
others have mentioned BPD which was my initial thought. Combine that with drugs and abusive chaotic relationships and nothing will change.
has your daughter had a psychiatric assessment ? She needs to want that, to engage with the (limited) drug/alcohol teams. She needs to really want to change. No matter what you do, you can’t do it for you.
a 38 year old in our circle has been supported by her parents and in the past several years by friends. She’s been into residential rehab six times, relapses within hours or days. Her friends have given up
addictions are grim for all involved. You’ve done your best - over to her

Sadly @CantPutUpWithItAnymore you rescuing your daughter, paying her debts etc etc all this is doing is letting her avoid the consequences of her behaviour & addiction for many years.

She needs to reach her rock bottom and when she is ready you can help her get into a programme. Offering it to her - forcing her - is doing nothing. She can only get sober when SHE wants to.

I suggest you find some support for families of addicts. Eg Al anon or similar which will help you realise that rescuing her is harming her as well meaning as it is.

While you keep enabling and rescuing her, OP, she'll keep doing it. I imagine that if in five or 10 or 15 years you're still bailing her out and she's still leading this kind of awful life (because it can't be any fun for her) you'll find you've alienated her siblings. I've known a couple of people go NC with parents who've prioritised a 'difficult' sibling over their other children.

Your husband has clearly had enough. You and he need to get help, probably from a specialist therapist who can help you understand what's going on and support you in working out what you can do, and also from family support groups for people with drug issues — likely to be local to your area. Go along, learn from people who've been through this themselves.

@CantPutUpWithItAnymore

After reading your last post, genuinely you need to be thinking of your daughter as potentially neurodiverse, mentally ill and capacity late teens. She is not functioning in a NT manner at all.

To breeze through degrees but have trouble functioning in the work and/or home environment is very typical.

For instance I know one who successfully runs a gaming app; can’t handle finances, organising house and making themselves a sandwich.

Another who has 3 first class degrees, can’t drive, hold down a job or manage money.

Mental health issues are evident but not the underlying issue…. If you find out what that is, get her support and realistic expectations for her having a disability (potentially) her mental health will improve.

It's a dreadful situation and I feel so sorry for you. The thing is that you consistently bail your daughter out and she consistently treats you really badly and continues to take drugs. You enable her to behave this way. She has no incentive to change and she is 28 years old. Sometimes people cannot be saved and sometimes those people are intelligent and talented people who could have a wonderful life if they just stopped drugs, drinking or whatever habit is destroying their future and you could scream in frustration at the pointlessness of it all.

There comes a point though where you have to prioritise saving the rest of the family and yourself. How would you feel if your husband has a heart attack or stroke after 15 years of stress with your daughter whom you have just rushed off to bring her home to repeat the cycle all over again? Or it's you who gets sick. And what is this behaviour doing to your younger children? You talk about your daughter as if she was a child but she is grown woman who chooses to behave this way and seemingly has no interest in getting off drugs. Will you still be doing this when she is 35?