WWYD: Son and Money

[ClamFandango]

DS (15yo) gets £60per month allowance, from which he pays for his phone contract (sim only: £6), and all non-school uniform clothes plus socialising, snacks etc.
He is not good at saving, although we encourage him to save £30 per month - so that it doesn't all get spent on snacks and small things. On top of that he will usually ask for money from family for birthday and Christmas, and usually gets given about £150 in total each time. He tends to save up for a bit and then blow the lot on a big ticket item (usually equipment for his music hobby, clothes or gifts for friends).
He recently bought his sister a v generous birthday gift, and a valentine gift for his girlfriend. Then he dropped his mobile phone and it broke - repair cost barely less than replacement (with secondhand reconditioned phone), so he spent £200 on a new secondhand phone, which cleaned his savings out and we had to advance him £60, which wipes out his next two months' savings (so his allowance is down to £30 per month, which is generally earmarked for phone contract and snacks at school).
This morning he was sad that he won't be able to buy his best friend a birthday present next month, and got very defensive when I suggested he was angling for a further loan / more cash from us. I said he wasn't getting any more money from me beyond the allowance, less the loan he already owes, and he had to learn to save more prudently.

We could afford to give him something to buy the friend a present, but the purpose behind the allowance is to teach him budgeting. We feel so mean saying "tough luck - you've spent up and that's it. Tell your friend you'll get him something in a couple of months' time". AIBU to take this stance?

Ah sorry, I missed that bit. Sad though, sounds like a part-time job is exactly what this boy needs to teach him some responsibility and financial independence! I think it's important for teens to have a good work ethic instilled!

I don't think its very fair for your so to buy all his clothes. When mine were that age, if they wanted say a new Hoodie, I'd say well I can get one from Next for £35 - if you want X brand then you pay the difference. So I didn't buy designer clothing, if they wanted it they would pay the top up.

£15 a week and you want him to buy his own clothes and save half of that? Are you training him to be a magician? That's not enough money. Buy his clothes, it's your responsibility.

I got £40 a month as a teen and that was 20 years ago. I also didn’t have to buy all my clothes from that- just fun clothes like a going out top etc.

can you encourage him to get a job?

He spent a good chunk of his money on expensive gifts for his sister and his girlfriend, he sounds like a nice boy, I would give him the money for his friends present
Also I think he should t have to pay for a broken phone at his age
Do give him a lecture on budgeting and also spending too much money on girlfriends trying to impress them,
Kids of that age (I think) shouldn’t be buying expensive presents for friends/ girlfriends, it’s a bad habit to get into

The only thing I think was a bit mean was suggesting he was angling for another loan, ehether he was or not. Maybe you could have just expressed sympathy with how budgetting is a bitch and let it go? I am glad you got it sorted though.

I think the difficulty is that he is expected to pay for a lot out of this very tight budget, so you are setting him up to fail a bit. The conversation about saving will make him feel like he should be doing this when it's not very achievable.
If that's all you can afford that's what it is, but making him feel like he's managing his money badly when its a low amount for all it has to cover is unfair, and feels a bit like gaslighting...making him believe it's his fault the money won't go further when actually it's quite a challenge to make that amount cover everything you are suggesting.
In terms of buying snacks and things, that's a lot of how teens of this age socialise... They can hardly go for a pint... They tend to go and sit in McDonald's with a milkshake etc.

He needs to get a job like babysitting if you can't afford to give him more. But it is your responsibility to clothe him

I appreciate the honest responses to my question, so thanks - even the incredibly rude ones who take pleasure in the battering of others. May you never be judged as you judge.

Here's my takeaway:

• it is wonderful to have a child who values people above things and who realises that always having what "everyone else" has is not a good life goal.

• we do need to rethink the amount of allowance, to give him a better chance at successfully budgeting. We can probably find £20 extra.

My children are well provided for, including saving for their future, and they are learning that whilst resources are finite, love is not.

What are the "ask and have" kids learning, I wonder...

Glad to see you back OP. I agree increasing it a bit makes sense if you can afford it.

Perhaps another suggestion is to stop with the making him save some each month. It's not a huge amount for a teen with friends and surely the point of giving them money is so they learn to budget themselves.

Yeah. Bad choice of words - should have said "set aside" half for one-off purchases rather than "save". We save for him.

I have a 15 yo ds, we pay for all his clothes and his phone, plus snacks on the home shopping and money for tram/food if he goes out

He gets £10 a week on top for whatever else he wants

But - he also has a Saturday job which pays £40 a week. He spends half & saves half into Premium
Bonds

I still think you're being optimistic expecting him to put £30 aside from £60 per month. I would expect big purchases like phones to be part of birthday or Christmas presents- although I appreciate breaking is not ideal.

I suggest you give him the monthly £60 or £80 and let him spend it how he wants. If he doesn't save anything for big purchases he goes without.

NRTHT, but...you said at the top that "He is not good at saving" then "He tends to save up for a bit and then blow the lot on a big ticket item".

That is saving - he's doing so with purpose. He just has extremely limited resources, so he's doing what he can with what he has.

For what it's worth, I was earning £60/month when I did a paper round in the 90s at his age...it's probably worth a third of that now. Expecting him to clothe himself out of that, and pay his phone, and pay for anything else discretionary and save half of it is unrealistic, IMO.

I grew up like this, it felt awful knowing my parents could give me money to match what my friends were doing but chose not to, different if you can’t afford it, it certainly taught me to not focus on school work and get a job most days of the week so I could keep up with what my friends were doing and buying, it then taught me to spend and enjoy what I had in my 20s

Same. It was the reason I didn’t even think about going to university at 18. Although there were grants then they were means tested on parents’ income and I couldn’t face my dad scrutinising and criticising my spending and having to go cap in hand if I needed anything extra. I finally went when I was 30.

Similar. I’ll never forget my parents meanness (Didn’t apply to them of course).

I worked my way through uni I guess it made me independent but I wasn’t close to my parents and knew I wasn’t a priority for them.

OP he sounds a really lovely person. I’m glad you can find some more funds for fun stuff.

I don’t think it has to be either-or. Kids whose parents are in a good financial position can still learn skills in budgeting, how to save money etc even if they’re in an ‘ask and have’ situation. They are also capable of appreciating the fortunate position they are in.

@CharmedCult
I totally agree.
Especially with the amount you give him, 60 quid, but having to save 30 of that, poor kid. You should provide his clothes, he's only 15. And what kind of socialising over 4 Saturdays can a kid do with 30 quid? That's 7.50 a pop, blimey!

You want him to save £30 and only spend £30 a month on everything including his phone. Tbh I think your deluded. He's expected to clothe himself on that to. A tshirt alone for a decent one can be £30 plus. Your putting way to many expectations on a 15 year old and giving him money but then dictating thst teaches absolutely nothing.

Its not your money though, child benefit is more then that per month and paid by the government.
I to think making him buy his outer wear whatever way you want to describe it is disgusting.

As a 15 year old, you are still a child.

You should be buying clothes for him!

He shouldn't have to buy snacks if he snacked at the house.

I agree with buying food whilst out with friends etc should come from allowances but not clothes and snacks! Wild.

But he could've bought a cheaper one. My sons phone cracked out. He bought one for about £90 in Argos. Otherwise he was looking at secondhand ones

Lol. My DS is going through a different " style" thing at the mo. He can't wait until bootsales open so he can stock up on more clothes Never spends more than £ 3 on something and then happily shows me similar on website at £120 plus .

When he went through what he calls his chavvy phase he bought joggers etc from boohoo and asda cost nothing like £80 a pop

There’s a lot of privileged answers around here. OP has said £60 per month is what they can afford. It’s not disgusting. Many teenagers will have nothing. He can get a paper round and soon a Saturday job. It’s not cruel or stupid to encourage people to live within their means.