To be fuming at my mum over birthday present?

[SilverSeat]

DDs birthday on Wednesday. My mum asked me ages ago what she wanted and I said “well all she keeps going on about is this princess castle so I’m getting her that”. My mum said “oh can I get her that? I don’t know what else to get her”. I said “it’s expensive though, £80” my mum said “oh that’s fine!”.

now my mum has form for buying the complete opposite of what you’ve told her so I showed her a picture of it, the make, where to buy it etc - she said that’s fine. I said “ok if you’re definitely getting her that exact castle (it had to be that one as her cousin has it and DD is obsessed with it, as I explained) I’ll get her the electric car”.

i bought the car £80. My mum called yesterday and said she’d got the castle - great. She then added “it was a bargain! It was only £25!” My heart sank … I said “it can’t have been, where did you get it from??” And she told me the name of this shop. I asked her to send me a photo?” So she did …

it’s the complete opposite of what I showed her. It’s a grey medieval castle with soldiers and cannons etc. I said “I told you it was the pink princess castle!” And she said “Her dolls will fit in it though”

FFS

DD thinks she’s getting the princess castle and is so excited, now I have to go out and buy the bloody thing after already buying the car. My mum is “upset” that I’m replacing her present. She used to do this kind of shit to me when I was a kid and I’m not allowing DD to go through it. She cocked up one of her Christmas presents in the same manner. AIBU to be really fucking annoyed and AIBU to replace the present?

Id rather she didn’t buy her a present at all then at least I’d know what to buy!!

Perhaps it would be easier for you to understand if the analogy was that someone offered to buy you a meal out at your favourite restaurant for a special occasion, then took you to McDonald’s instead. You wanted food, you’ve got food. Would you be happy with that?

I’m sure you’re going to say ‘Oh I’d just be grateful to be bought a meal!’ but no-one would believe that.

In future I would tell her that something small will be fine .Otherwise ask her to give you the money or buy it when out together .She should not have agreed to £80 .

Wow she sounds like a pain in the arse. Just say next time, vouchers please. Then get the castle your daughter wants just this time.

I’m sure OP would have understood that, she was going to buy the castle herself after all.

We all know this isn't about whether she can afford it or not. It's about control.

Op double checked if her mum was ok with buying it, as she knew it was expensive.
I said “it’s expensive though, £80” my mum said “oh that’s fine!”.

If she couldn't afford it then she could have said so when the OP first mentioned it, or asked if there was anything else she could buy as the castle was out of her budget. She had plenty of opportunity to speak up before buying the cheap grey castle

That’s a pretty unkind attitude when it comes to a five year old’s birthday, though. It’s one thing when a child doesn’t get exactly what they want because it’s unavailable or because their parents can’t afford it. It’s another when it’s because someone has been deliberately obtuse.

It's not really the point though as yes generally most people get their children what they want especially when young unless it's something unobtainable I.e too expensive or a tiger. That's pretty normal?

Can't you take the car back and buy the castle? Do t rely on your mum again, let her freestyle in future

It's not about the 'teaching moment' or avoiding spoiling a child. My mother has form for this too, and for me it was about feeling seen and understood. It made me feel a bit lost because my own mother didn't seem to know me at all, so I ended up growing up hiding my real self from her. I still do and I'm nearly 50.

A neighbour and friend was born three days before me. My mother went through a stage of buying me the same present the neighbour got from her parents and as a child this was shit because 1. I always knew what I would get three days in advance and 2, she and I were very different children. What was right for her really wasn't right for me. Not liking presents bought without any thought whatsoever at five, six or seven years old didn't make me spoiled, but being told I should be grateful for these things made me feel like being me was all wrong. It felt she must want me to be a different kind of child, the kind who wanted those sorts of presents, and so I had to try and fit myself into that mould. It was fucking miserable.

No-one is suggesting children should have their every whim indulged, but there's nothing wrong with knowing what you like and what you want, as long as it's a reasonable request.

Honestly next time just send her a list of potential things that your daughter would like but aren't deal breakers.

My MIL is exactly like this, it’s like she just doesn’t see the difference, a castle is a castle.

The most ridiculous ( if not most expensive) experience was DD’s friend has a pony and obviously friend has all the proper boots and kit for horse riding because she competes, the friends mum let DD have a couple of informal lessons on the pony which DD just did in her leggings and wellies, and when MIL found out insisted DD must have the proper boots like her friend, we said no they’re too expensive for a lesson every now and then she doesn’t need them, MIL insists and says if you buy them I’ll pay for them so we got some at £30 and she offered me £5 towards them. I told her to forget it.

My advice would be to have a conversation with your mother. Remind her she said she would get the £80 castle and what she has now is not what she said she’d get. Suggest that she return the castle she purchased and put the additional money into getting her granddaughter the present she said she would. Otherwise she can give you the receipt and you’ll do it but she’ll not be saying it is from granny, because it won’t be.

Then I’d actually tell her she pulled the same sort of crap on you and you’re not going to let her do the same to your daughter.

@BloodTestsHelpPlease not hard for me to understand (how fucking condescending are you!), is it hard for you to understand that if you're asking what present can I buy, that when you're told "xyz", it's checked, double checked etc, that you buy that?

You don't decide that randomly you'll but a shite version, that's not wanted?

Do you understand that concept?

I think it may challenge you, but hopefully you understand, that you need to be a proper grown up and say "I'd rather buy this", in which case you can be told...... no thanks!

And while DS doesn’t get everything he asks for, I do try to ensure that, when I choose what to buy from his Xmas list, the things I get are exactly what he wanted. So if he’s asked for a Lego set that’s within our budget and isn’t out of stock, I’d get him that set, not a similar set, not a megablocks set, not a set of wooden blocks to teach him he ‘can’t always get what he wants’.

I completely understand and don’t think you are being unreasonable at all. In future, if she asks for ideas then I would just name a few things she likes eg particular cartoon, crafting stuff, football.. and leave it at that. Don’t tell her the big ticket item or any items that are on her list

Obtuse ?

Really

I'm agreeing with op. Her dd wanted something and now thanks to the mum she isn't going to get it

Unless op spends more money or takes the car back

I too think the lack of comprehension is on your part!!

Think you’re going to have to get the pink thing as well in this instance BUT in future don’t tell DD what she’s getting ahead of time. It will make her entitled. It’s healthy for dcs to have to hope and sweat it out a bit! It’s fine to indulge them a little but I don’t think teaching them to EXPECT indulgence is good so in future don’t commit yourself.

But I think having already confirmed to her she’s getting it, it’s a bit harsh not to.

In future don't entrust the "one thing your DD really wants" to your mother. If she asks for gift suggestions offer lower tariff ideas. Alternatively, you buy a couple of presents and wrap one from granny and she pays you for it. Saves her trying to find specific items.

Fortunately my children never asked for anything that stupid!

Well why offer to get it then when she knew the price?

It will NOT make her "entitled"! That's patently ridiculous!

The OP is not be unreasonable to exoect her mum to get the pink princess castle her DD wants abd has agreed to buy , however @PrincessOfPreschool grey isn't a " boys " colour , it's just a colour.

Ah you're lucky. One year my DS asked for Spain.
Not a holiday there, just the whole country.

Now that was one of those that I said no to.