To be fuming at my mum over birthday present?

[SilverSeat]

DDs birthday on Wednesday. My mum asked me ages ago what she wanted and I said “well all she keeps going on about is this princess castle so I’m getting her that”. My mum said “oh can I get her that? I don’t know what else to get her”. I said “it’s expensive though, £80” my mum said “oh that’s fine!”.

now my mum has form for buying the complete opposite of what you’ve told her so I showed her a picture of it, the make, where to buy it etc - she said that’s fine. I said “ok if you’re definitely getting her that exact castle (it had to be that one as her cousin has it and DD is obsessed with it, as I explained) I’ll get her the electric car”.

i bought the car £80. My mum called yesterday and said she’d got the castle - great. She then added “it was a bargain! It was only £25!” My heart sank … I said “it can’t have been, where did you get it from??” And she told me the name of this shop. I asked her to send me a photo?” So she did …

it’s the complete opposite of what I showed her. It’s a grey medieval castle with soldiers and cannons etc. I said “I told you it was the pink princess castle!” And she said “Her dolls will fit in it though”

FFS

DD thinks she’s getting the princess castle and is so excited, now I have to go out and buy the bloody thing after already buying the car. My mum is “upset” that I’m replacing her present. She used to do this kind of shit to me when I was a kid and I’m not allowing DD to go through it. She cocked up one of her Christmas presents in the same manner. AIBU to be really fucking annoyed and AIBU to replace the present?

Id rather she didn’t buy her a present at all then at least I’d know what to buy!!

It’s not though, especially to a child who has zero concept of money anyway. He likes Disney stuff, they didn’t buy him that. They could’ve bought one Disney car but probably looked at the prices and thought buying 4 generic toy cars for the same price was the same, to a child it isn’t.

I still remember the Christmas I asked for GHD straighteners from my parents. I was early 20s. Said I knew they were dear and would be quite happy with them and nothing else. They bought me a Babyliss one (Steam Shot) that just didn’t work at all for my hair. It frizzes in humidity so why they thought something that is humid by design would work I’ve no idea.

It’s over 20 years ago now, I remember going and buying GHDs myself and hiding them. I would also have been made to feel ungrateful and “nothings ever good enough”, it wasn’t that and it’s not even about money, they had bought other stuff that would’ve totalled more than the GHDs. It’s the fact that they didn’t listen and then would’ve called me ungrateful for buying me something I didn’t want!

They would’ve thought £100 on straighteners was a waste when they could buy 5/6 things for the same money, regardless of the actual quality/usefullness.

It’s a control thing. To ask someone what they would like, take note of it, then proceed to buy something else is so dismissive of someone’s wishes. Always because they’ve found a bargain, or something different or better in their eyes. It’s just a way of undermining you and that your feelings don’t matter. I wouldn’t let another adult treat me like it and certainly not my daughter.

Bloody hell there are some awful people on this thread, of course your DD wants what her cousin has. My mother tried to force feed a no dolls or pink regime down my throat when i was a little girl. It just made me want dolls and pink stuff more and in the end she just gave up. I am a proud feminist now and I'm also child-free so make of that what you will.

I'd be fuming about this as it seems deliberate, especially as she has form.

She’s a cheapskate it was the cost probably.

Soldiers and cannons, when dd wants a pink princess castle.

Okay, so she wants a pink princess castle. She asked for a specific one and was told she was getting that one.

Maybe she will like playing war or battles, but if she is expecting something specific, of course she is going to be disappointed.

Let's say for your birthday and you said you would like lasagne for tea and your OH says they will make it for you. They promise you will have lasagne for tea. You're excited to have your lasagne. You've thought about it, imagined it, planned what you'll have with it etc. Come tea time and someone gives you a sandwich. You're not going to be disappointed?

This has happened so regularly with my in-laws that we eventually hit the point where the ideas given to them were things that the kids would have liked but were not the ‘important ‘ gifts to them . I’m not interested in making it a learning experience of you don’t always get what you want as it is my child’s birthday / Christmas .

Yanbu. If someone insists they want to get your child a specific thing then they should get it

now you know not to give in to your mum again over gifts and if she objects you say you aren't willing to have a repeat of the pink castle 🤷

This is a great post and explains why the OP is NBU.

It's all about control. I suspect the OP's mum is controlling in other ways, especially as she's now painting herself as the victim and is so upset that the present is being replaced.

Read up on covert narcissism. People like this love to stir shit then play the victim, e.g. build you up to thinking they're getting something, but then they get something different and if you're not over the moon with excitement then you're so ungrateful, and the gift-giver is "so (sob, sob) upset", because they were "doing their best" and now its your job to console them.

I grew up with this shit, it's horrendous and so damaging.

That is so annoying op. From now on, if your mum asks for a gift idea ask for love to shop vouchers or tell her to buy tickets to a day out or activity she can take dd to?

Exactly

I would have loved the Cindy playhouse

I think my dps were a bit like your dm so I tended to get my dc what they wanted

So every Christmas and birthday your dc get exactly and everything that they ask for?

YANBU about being angry , but your mum sounds like she has form for this . In future don't give her the responsibility of the getting the main present when all she does is let you down. A pink princess castle and a grey medieval castle and completely different , she hasn't even attempted to get a pink castle thats cheaper, she's just gone against your wishes. Hopefully you can still find the pink princess castle, and possible return or exchange for the expensive car if its not too late?

YANBU

My sister (did something similar with my DD. She had a Victorian dolls house with proper dressed up family and wanted something for her bathroom, in keeping with the theme.
We have both enjoyed decorating the house as I wanted DD to have a dolls house, as I never did. She loved it.

My sister saw the dolls house, we looked at a dolls house catalogue so she knew full well what she wanted, something minature and period looking

Instead she bought her some big wooden chunky furniture that size wise would have fitted in a Barbie Dreamhouse!!

Then she told my brother to buy from the same brand! It was suited to a 3-4 yr old.

DD looked at these things, which she was too old for and said' I dont understand what Auntie Jean was thinking'.

Sister was a passive aggressive bullying narc all my life but in this she surpassed herself!

You cant trust your mum, so that is something learnt. Vouchers all the way next time!

Given your mother's history, why didn't you steer her towards something else? She still wouldn't get the right thing, but at least it wouldn't particularly disappoint your daughter.

Yes this would make me mad too and been there done that. You give them something from the list that they really want and then they don't get it so you end up having to race round last minute. I think in future best bet is to give the lower ranked gift ideas out.

If she was my 5 year old and she had her heart set on a castle, a fucking castle she would get!!!

If you know she has form for doing it stop giving her the opportunity. You should have said no and asked her to buy the electric car instead. Then your daughter gets the non-negotiable castle she wants and an electric car that may or may not be quite right.

YANBU
This is exactly the kind of shit my sort-of-narcissistic DF used to do. The kind of thing you feel confused about when they act like they had no idea and were just doing something nice.
(It took going NC for a period of time to get my DF to start listening to me and changing. Hopefully your DM will listen to you the first time.)

Not really! What's the point in say what do you want for your birthday to ignore it? Would you go into a restaurant and choose steak and chips and if you were served mac n cheese, go ..... oh well I don't always get what I ask for?

YANBU OP .... shit move

Your only mistake was trusting your Mum!

The child in question is 5 years old. The post is about a particular present she has asked for.

If my DC asked for one or two things when they were young, yes, they’d have got them. Different story if they asked for heaps of stuff.

that aside, you are missing the point of the post which is OPs mum mucking up the child’s desired birthday present.

But she wanted a fucking castle!!

YANBU

My mum did this once. She lives in Canada, and we were going to spend a week there. She promised my DC Lion King tickets, as the musical was playing in Toronto at the time. I knew they were expensive and volunteered to cover the cost myself, order them online so she wouldn't have to, etc. No, she wanted to do this, it was something special for her DGC, etc.

DC were incredibly excited to see Lion King. It was going to be one of the highlights of the trip for them. We planned to take Nana out for a nice pre-show meal beforehand and maybe go up the CN Tower while we were in the city.

On a whim, she got tickets to a four-hour long, non-musical production of Cyrano de Bergerac instead. A three hour drive from her home. So we spent six hours in a car that day and four hours sitting in a theater whole my DC were bored put of their skulls. They were very polite and thanked her for the show, but she could tell they hadn't enjoyed themselves and was sulky for the next two days. I have no idea what she was expecting their reactions to be, or why she thought a 7 and a 10 year old would enjoy that kind of thing at all.

To answer your other question, buy her the castle she wants, even if you have to take another present back. Your mum’s got no leg to stand on as she didn’t buy what you requested.