To have phoned DH’s nephew twice to ask why me daughter and grandchildren aren’t invited to his wedding

[SlothsRUs]

Husband is fucking angry with me. Received an invitation to his nephew’s wedding for us and our two daughters but not for my eldest daughter who is from a previous relationship.

Nephew’s response was that she was a step-relative who hadn’t been thought of but he didn’t think they were close.
He is closer in age to her and has known her longer than he has known the others.

I got his number off husband’s phone. He's furious with me.

Nephew is son of Brother-in-Law. The daughter of Sister-in-Law is invited with her toddler but my grandchildren aren’t invited.

When I found this out I rang him back asking how he felt closer to this family as they had grown up in different countries. He said he wasn’t willing to carry on the conversation.

BiL rang husband suggesting had I requested an invitation, one would be forthcoming, I don’t believe him. I get the sense it was more of control your wife.

I have no hope at all of my daughters not going, husband is definitely going.

I am fucking sick to my stomach. SiL rang me directly virtually threatening me saying I had upset people and not to involve my MiL.

Fucking furious.

People are going ask DD1 is 28, younger two are 19 and 20. Groom is 29.

Are you menopausal because your behaviour and actions are concerning

@justasking111 really?? Menopausal? Fucking hell.

Because hormones are the only reason for odd behaviour?!

I appreciate posters’ responses.

I never stopped my younger daughters seeing their father’s family, I didn’t however, facilitate the relationship I.e. take them there myself. DH could have taken them and I couldn’t have stopped him.

We, as a family saw DH’s family a few times a year but not on special occasions as my eldest would have been sidelined.

It is this BiL who lived the ex-pat life but they have been back years and know my eldest girl quite as well as the younger two.

Had none of them been invited I might have been upset but would not have raised it as an issue at all as they all would have been equal. As for my grandchildren, they should be invited as the equivalent child I.e. SiL’s grandchild has been invited. The only difference being DNA and ‘blood.’

As for being upset with my younger two for going to the wedding, those who say they shouldn’t go how would I stop them? They already blame me (not their dad) for their infrequent relationship with this exclusionary family.

DD1’s dad chased a music career rather than a relationship with his daughter. I don’t expect the in-laws to replace him. I just expected kindness and to be invited to a wedding where other cousins are invited who she has known longer than her sisters.

Op get some therapy fast. The damage you have done to your kids can't be fixed but maybe with therapy you will not lose your younger daughters or they will see you trying to fix your self and give you a chance

So they were never allowed Christmas or birthdays or family parties or weddings. All the things that grow the relationship with the wider family. They just got the odd basically here you are at the grandparents.

So yes you did stop him and them going because they where not allowed to the family events.

how would I stop them?

You don't

You accept the situation and back down

Is that you OP?

Well the mood swings can be fierce and irrational. It's better than asking if she's off her trolley 🙄

Gah OP!
At what point do you start to understand that the bride and groom get to decide who to invite to their wedding! Still You make no reference to how much you like the couple and want to celebrate with them. Can you not see this glaring omission in your peculiar logic. To only want your daughter and her children to be invited for the wake of being invited.

How did you think this was going to turn out when your youngests realised they've missed out on a lot of family things because you didn't want to facilitate their relationship with their family? All because your eldest has a shit relationship with hers. You made things "fair and even" by depriving two of your children of nice experiences. That was cruel and could have turned them against your eldest.

Totally agree @HollyKnight

I don't think there is any one of us on here who don't prefer some members of our families over others, or who haven't excluded some from their lives either.

Let's not through stones...

Just sounds to me like the OP wasn't going out of her way to transport the 2 younger Girls to and fro, but her DH stepped up and did.

Throw..... (argh)

Of course they blame you, because you are to blame!

You say you couldn't have stopped your husband taking your younger two to see their extended family - based on your reactions here, that's not true. There would have been the threat of DRAMA, which would have been enough to stop him.

Your oldest daughter is not family to your in laws. She might have been, if you'd given them the chance, but she's not, and now likely never will be. Stop trying to force it.

Good grief. I feel a bit sorry for you, as this will have repercussions for years to come. Your DH is likely to be absolutely furious as you have truly humiliated him in front of his family. Bad enough to have the entitlement to demand invitations to a wedding - they can literally not invite anyone and the only recourse you have is to not go - but to have PHONED him to harass him about it?! My goodness. And that question about being close to other family members. He was very restrained.

Now everyone - and I do mean everyone - in the family is talking about you.

As someone said, you had the moral high ground but by doing this you completely lost it. You simply should have stayed home and only DH should have gone if he felt inclined.

The other stuff is just not relevant in this particular instance, though I can understand you feel bad for your daughter. But this makes it worse for her, you have to pic your battles.

This is someone else's wedding day. You go or you do not go and you wish them joy if you do go. End.

I honestly think you have just one move. Apologise. Apologise profusely. Do NOT phone the nephew again just message and say I do not know what I was thinking, I was incredibly rude, I have been thinking about it and I realise I was 100 percent wrong in every way, I am so so sorry please don't give it another moment's thought, please accept my truly sincere apology and I hope you have a fantastic day.

Maybe you can blame being ill or something for acting so bizarrely entitled.

Let your DH see the apology and apologise to him too.

Then send your DH to the wedding and stay home.

By the sounds of it, it has. Her family seems to be divided into two camps - OP and her eldest, and everyone else. OP’s actions here are only going to deepen divisions tbh.

I can understand why you're upset. But the moment you picked up that phone YABU.

And burn everything to the ground! 🔥🔥🔥☄️

And to add - normally I'd have said keep the entire family home if one was excluded, but given this comment "We, as a family saw DH’s family a few times a year but not on special occasions as my eldest would have been sidelined" the actual blood relatives should have been sent to enjoy this special occasion as it sounds like they have missed out on many more.

You cannot make people treat relatives in law as though they are blood relatives. It just won't work. If nothing else, mumsnet should have proven this to everyone by now. Blood relations DO matter more than non blood relations to nearly everybody.

It doesn't matter how anybody feels about that, reality doesn't care how you feel.

(Cue comments - not me I am a perfect alien angel who never felt the tiniest difference in depth of feeling between my daughter, stepdaughter, the neighbour's cat and various homeless people I took in off the street.)

What you can do is cause people to turn away, cause a rift and want nothing to do with you because you try to force them to do what you cannot force them to do.

Maybe you feel guilty and sad about your left out daughter. Understandable. Spoiling family moments for other family members so everyone is equally unhappy, not so much.

There's a lot going on here. I saw some snarky comments about counselling, but honestly if I were you I would see a family counsellor, someone really well trained in pulling apart all the threads of the family dynamics, because I think you've done a bit of harm over the years, probably without meaning to. You need clear eyes from someone who is able to suspend judgement.

The younger girls' father didn't facilitate a relationship with his own family either. There's got to be a good reason for the distance between him and his 'blood' family.

He wasn’t allowed to take them to family events.. only just visits at granny’s.

The op would have thrown a fit if more than a couple granny visits happened per year let’s face it. Bet even the few that did happen left a terrible mood in their house and a grumpy op. She doesn’t seem the kind to let
live.

This is what I don't understand. Why buy into it at all? They are ALL old enough to make their own decisions. NONE of them are children. Why is Mum getting involved at all?

My mother pulled stunts like this splitting the family again and again with her dramas. My father caved in. As adults we all eventually went NC with her. She was a narcissist first class.