To have phoned DH’s nephew twice to ask why me daughter and grandchildren aren’t invited to his wedding

[SlothsRUs]

Husband is fucking angry with me. Received an invitation to his nephew’s wedding for us and our two daughters but not for my eldest daughter who is from a previous relationship.

Nephew’s response was that she was a step-relative who hadn’t been thought of but he didn’t think they were close.
He is closer in age to her and has known her longer than he has known the others.

I got his number off husband’s phone. He's furious with me.

Nephew is son of Brother-in-Law. The daughter of Sister-in-Law is invited with her toddler but my grandchildren aren’t invited.

When I found this out I rang him back asking how he felt closer to this family as they had grown up in different countries. He said he wasn’t willing to carry on the conversation.

BiL rang husband suggesting had I requested an invitation, one would be forthcoming, I don’t believe him. I get the sense it was more of control your wife.

I have no hope at all of my daughters not going, husband is definitely going.

I am fucking sick to my stomach. SiL rang me directly virtually threatening me saying I had upset people and not to involve my MiL.

Fucking furious.

People are going ask DD1 is 28, younger two are 19 and 20. Groom is 29.

And what about her DH's part in all of this, you know the one who's actually related to them all by blood?

Why should the OP have to facilitate relationships with her DH's family, when they treated her eldest DD as someone lesser, because he couldn't be arsed to do it?

IMO both the inlaws and the OP have been unreasonable.

This. To top it off the neighnour is being “ carried over “ by DH. Really ? I’m sure she was dc with crutches or has a walking stick to rely on . Ridiculous

I can't imagine what's coming next but I'm waiting for it!

This sounds like the "18 years later" version of that other recent blended families thread.

Given her reaction to this situation @Lookingatthesunset , i can imagine he would have dared facilitate anything if he wanted to remain married to the Op.

There is another issue underlying all of this and it’s one that very rarely gets mentioned.
Some women ( I’ve never known a man to be bothered by this) feel a huge need to have children of a previous partner so integrated into a new relationship or family, that the the biological father gets obliterated completely.
It’s as if the woman takes on this huge responsibility to almost alter reality.
I have heard women say “ I want all my children to have the same last name” and” I want us to be a real family”.
I know of a dead child who had their last name alerted twice on their headstone, firstly to remove the name of their biological father and replace it that of the man who was their Stepfather when they died and later to remove the Stepdad’s name, following a second divorce.
I’m not sure where this pressure is coming from to make women feel that the ideal family needs to present as fully related unit.
These women also take on the impossible task of trying to ensure that members of the wider family, treat all her children equally.
Whilst this is totally understandable, it is not realistic.
Individual attitudes, biological connection, gender, geography and family history all play a part in shaping the relationships that your extended family have with your children.
Most of these are outside of your control.

That's no excuse.

I understand how you feel but your reaction was wrong.

I have adopted people in my family and how extended family have treated them, is disgusting.

Having that said, I believe your DH should have stepped up and made gentle enquiries as to why she alone in your family was excluded. For me, it would be all of us or none of us, but that should have come from DH.

Not your wedding, not your guest list, none of your business. YABU.

And was probably in pain. Why didn't you bring her dinner and afterwards help her with a few things around her house to take your mind off it.

But step family isn't always the same as a blood relative. We hear on here all the time - "you aren't the step-kids' mum, so don't pretend to be". A step family relationship has to be built, and that building hasn't happened here.

If OP's daughter was close to this nephew, then yes, the exclusion would be awful. However, it sounds like they barely know each other.

I've got a similar situation in my family. I have two cousins who have step siblings. I have a bond with the cousins built via my aunt. I just don't have the same link with their step siblings, because they aren't my aunts' kids. It's not the same, and it would be stupid to pretend it was.

Still a step child, that’s like saying if a child is abused but now an adult get over it.
you must have a very different relationship with your parents, mine are coming to the end of their lives. My Dad took me on in a time when it was not acceptable. Women who were pregnant outside marriage were put into home’s, it wasn’t that long ago.

How close are your 3? If they are all close sisters, is there any reason why you are not going to tell them the eldest was excluded? Surely they will find out anyhow esp. if you and DH are at odds with each other right now.

(I'm reading it that she was closer to the nephew than the other two for whatever reason and apart from them being younger).

If budget was a concern, then surely all 3 daughters could miss out as they are not children, and just you and DH have gone without all this unnecessary upset.

You are describing an adopted parent/child relationship, though. It can work very well for step relationships, but it isn't for everyone, and shouldn't be forced

Nobody owes anyone an invitation to anything. If you don’t want to go for whatever reason, and it can literally be ANY reason, then you say no. It’s an invitation, not a summons. What you should not, and cannot do, is phone up and demand invitations for people who aren’t invited. It’s not your wedding. You don’t get to call the shots, and you should apologise for your behaviour in your decline invitation card.

Why do people think they can dictate who is and isn't invited to someone else's wedding? Ridiculous behaviour

I wasn’t invited to my half sisters wedding (we were and are close). I didn’t care. TBH if anything I was relieved…

Ultimately, though, not your wedding and not your choice. Your DD is an adult who can fight her own battles if she is upset - she doesn’t need her mother (who should know better) to do it for her!

Quite frankly the mature response would have been to say that you weren’t going and tell them why from the start. Not mouth off like Katie Price.

DH is not related to the eldest daughter by blood.

THIS ^

Bloody hell. It's this kind of behaviour that meant we never got married. Couldn't be arsed with the potential for ridiculous politics and fallings out over something so bloody innocuous.

It's their wedding. It's nothing to do with you. They can't invite everyone. Accept it and move on.

She's not been abused though.

My point was she's a fucking adult. She's not a small child. Why is her mum kicking off like this because an adult, who I presume lives separately and lives a separate life now to her parents, isn't invited to some distant family wedding of someone she barely knows. Why does she give a shit? It's weird to be so bothered at that age and it's weirder still for her mother to react like this as if we aren't talking about a fully grown adult woman!

I'd he horribly embarrassed if my mum acted like this.

He went by himself, as OP WOULD ONLY ALLOW ALL DAUGHTERS TO GO TOGETHER AS FAMILY. Op's words.

My DH is not the biological father of our eldest, but she calls him Dad as he is her dad and he brought her up. I would be devastated if she was left out of a family occasion especially if her siblings were invited.

If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't attend either in solidarity with my daughter.

According to the last thread, they resent their mother and sister for being the reason they were denied opportunities to spend time with their paternal family. I doubt OP wants them to know she’s made yet another family event on their side to be about her eldest.