To have phoned DH’s nephew twice to ask why me daughter and grandchildren aren’t invited to his wedding

[SlothsRUs]

Husband is fucking angry with me. Received an invitation to his nephew’s wedding for us and our two daughters but not for my eldest daughter who is from a previous relationship.

Nephew’s response was that she was a step-relative who hadn’t been thought of but he didn’t think they were close.
He is closer in age to her and has known her longer than he has known the others.

I got his number off husband’s phone. He's furious with me.

Nephew is son of Brother-in-Law. The daughter of Sister-in-Law is invited with her toddler but my grandchildren aren’t invited.

When I found this out I rang him back asking how he felt closer to this family as they had grown up in different countries. He said he wasn’t willing to carry on the conversation.

BiL rang husband suggesting had I requested an invitation, one would be forthcoming, I don’t believe him. I get the sense it was more of control your wife.

I have no hope at all of my daughters not going, husband is definitely going.

I am fucking sick to my stomach. SiL rang me directly virtually threatening me saying I had upset people and not to involve my MiL.

Fucking furious.

People are going ask DD1 is 28, younger two are 19 and 20. Groom is 29.

Maybe they see it as the same scenario as when a DC is best friends with another DC and one of the parents takes it upon themselves to feel that they, parents, should be friends to.

But it's pretty obvious by past behaviour from OP regarding all the DC that she decided years ago to distance all of them from her DH family bar a handful of get togethers so it shouldn't really have come as a shock.

OMG! @OP think about this. If this does happen, which I'm guessing it will, you will send yourself to an early grave. Please let it go.

On the other hand, where is DD1's biological family on her father's side? does she not have any relationship with them? grandparents, aunts, cousins??

"I know that I am coming over as a lunatic"

That's an understatement.

DW OP, there is nothing wrong with unleashing your mama Tiger self once in a while.

Having read this from your other thread

I feel my whole world fell apart at the weekend my middle daughter turned on me followed by youngest and totally supported by husband

They accused me of sabotaging their relationship with husband’s family, something I absolutely refute

I do admit that I stopped ‘facilitating’ the relationship because the behaviour of the in-laws had a negative impact on my eldest daughter from a previous relationship.

All this came about when middle daughter started spending time with DH’s niece who teaches at adjoining uni to the one Middle daughter started at last year. She told MD that I stopped them having a relationship.

In-laws were always nice to my eldest one but there was different treatment to the other grandchildren so it was difficult to go round there. There was an occasion when we declined wedding invitations for younger kids from DH’s cousin when they could have been flower girls as it seemed unfair to eldest. We didn’t go on Christmas Day as eldest one wouldn’t have been so generously treated.

I'm actually more surprised that you were invited at all, than they left out an adult and her children, that they have no relationship with.

Yhave been U over the years, and you have been incredibly rude, and VVV unreasonable in your phoning the nephew up even once, let alone twice.

I bet they are very glad you have said you are not going, otherwise they would have probably felt they would have to have uninvited you being as you are not only so rude, but unable to control your emotions.

I don’t think Yabu to be really upset. They sound bloody awful.

However given the history, I think yabu to have phoned and made a fuss. It was totally predictable. I wouldn’t ever have anything to do with them ever again.

It’s not been once in a while in the op’s case. It’s been pretty consistent for about 25 years.

But stepfamily or not, she’s relatively distant family - and certainly her children are.

My parents had 18 aunts and uncles between them. Add in spouses, that’s 36 extra wedding guests before you even consider their children. Is it really that shocking that your uncles wife’s daughter and her children don’t make the cut?

This makes your reaction make more sense. This is just cruel and all the family who facilitated this are not good. I think the nephew is just continuing learnt behaviour. But your daughter should have been invited, but I would perhaps expect the grandchildren not to be.

People also get very precious about wedding invitations.

I think unfortunately it seems you had relied on your DH's side of the family too much to make up for your side (absent father of DD1, no grandparents that side, your DM not a fun grandma) and when they didn't embrace your DD1 fully as part of their family (and I totally agree, very unkind of them not to, many families would have) you then withdrew all 3 DDs resulting in long term damage to relationships. This has now come home to roost with your DH's nephew hardly knowing any of the girls and certainly not considering your DD1 as family.
I sympathise with you, I really do, and suspect I would have felt and likely even acted the same at the time but would also feel the same regret for my younger children now as ultimately they have lost out, and with the enormous benefit of hindsight, things could have been handled differently.

hope this is a reverse YABVU!

😆😆😆

As a non biological child of my Dad, if his family had done this to me he would never have spoke to them again. My mom would have been so upset by their actions in a deliberate act of cruelty, leaving out one sibling. Most people that have commented that you shouldn’t have said anything maybe have no understanding, of step parent/ child relationship when someone tries to belittle it. I know if that was my child i would have done what you did, my mom is more diplomatic & would have declined the invitation. Hope that offers some comfort.

The "stepchild" is 28 bloody years old!

I'm 2 years older than her and a step child myself and I couldn't give a rats behind if my step dad's family invites me to a wedding. I have my own kids, home, job, husband etc.. I'm plenty busy enough just getting on with adult life than stressing about my step dads nephews wedding who I barely know.

And if my mum had reacted like this I'd die from embarrassment.

Yes weird she wasn't invited, especially as you said he has known her longer, i totally agree with you but phoning him up like that probably not the best way to deal with it, id just not go and sod them!

I’m assuming OP grandchildren are from her oldest daughter and she is no longer a part of the household. Also contradicts herself with “ he’s known her longer “ but in fact they never did have a relationship as OP didn’t facilitate it. Who someone invites to their wedding is their business. Don’t go if it offends you but stop making it worse for your husband.

Lack of invitation for step-relative was mean, but on them and they would wear the bad image for it.
You went nuclear scorched Earth, and have basically given them an excuse. Own goal to you.

This is like something from a soap opera.

OP is conflating multiple historical issues that are not related to the bride and groom.

She seems to have hoped that her DH's family would compensate for the failings of her eldest daughter's father.

If he has been the man she wanted him to be, she may not be married to her current DH. If he had been apart but still an involved and generous father, she would have had different issues if the eldest child has enjoyed extravagant treats and gifts from her father that the younger two could not be offered.

That fact remains that DH's family have no obligation to ensure equality of treatment.

Verging on unhinged behaviour. Find to be disappointed that he doesn't view her as his cousin after all these years . However given you didn't even have his number in your phone, I can't help but wonder how close you and my extension your daughter is to him.
The multiple calls afterward makes you look absolutely batshit

I thought this😂

In laws are shitty due to their general behaviour definitely but you know YABU for calling.

I would have declined and told them why, that way they would look like twats over it.

I'm just happy I come from a family who treat steps/half/adopted kids like they would their own, that's how it should be IMO. I do really feel for you and your daughter.

Agree with this. It sounds terrible that you've estranged your younger DDs from their family all because of your eldest who they didn't see as blood family (which she isn't!). Very unfair to all involved!