To have phoned DH’s nephew twice to ask why me daughter and grandchildren aren’t invited to his wedding

[SlothsRUs]

Husband is fucking angry with me. Received an invitation to his nephew’s wedding for us and our two daughters but not for my eldest daughter who is from a previous relationship.

Nephew’s response was that she was a step-relative who hadn’t been thought of but he didn’t think they were close.
He is closer in age to her and has known her longer than he has known the others.

I got his number off husband’s phone. He's furious with me.

Nephew is son of Brother-in-Law. The daughter of Sister-in-Law is invited with her toddler but my grandchildren aren’t invited.

When I found this out I rang him back asking how he felt closer to this family as they had grown up in different countries. He said he wasn’t willing to carry on the conversation.

BiL rang husband suggesting had I requested an invitation, one would be forthcoming, I don’t believe him. I get the sense it was more of control your wife.

I have no hope at all of my daughters not going, husband is definitely going.

I am fucking sick to my stomach. SiL rang me directly virtually threatening me saying I had upset people and not to involve my MiL.

Fucking furious.

People are going ask DD1 is 28, younger two are 19 and 20. Groom is 29.

Presumably, your DD is still a child and you’re all living as a family. OP has been invited as DH’s plus one. She can’t then invite her adult DD with possibly DD’s DH as another plus one, plus their children. Hard to see where it would end if spaces are limited.

Your behaviour has been awful and VU. You need to apologise to your DH and to his nephew, and explain to your eldest daughter that people can invite whoever they wish to their wedding.

Or is this thread a reverse?

@CecilyP she's an adult now, but is always included in anything that her siblings are invited to. We are thankfully seen as one family.

In fact, she's closer in age to nephews and nieces on my husband side, so it would be odd for her not to be invited as they all saw each other when growing up - albeit infrequently.

She actually had a role in my father-in-law's funeral as did the other cousins. My husband's family has always been very inclusive.

You were absolutely unreasonable as a simple decline would have sufficed, but equally it’s very fucked up to divide sibling groups by blood.

How archaic and tacky.

AIBU? YES!

Yabu. Not surprised they're pissed off with you. Their wedding, their guest list.

Phoning up to hold an argument is weird.

Having said that, is she upset?

Your other adult kids could decline the invitations themselves if their sister is excluded.

I would also have been annoyed that child had been excluded however I would have told husband that I was not happy that one was not invited and two were and on that basis myself and the three children would not be attending. I would then Leave it for him to go on his own or sort it out by explaining why to his nephew.

I'm afraid this is the case, maybe she stole his marbles when he was 8 and never got over it. You are within your rights to decline the invitation that if your daughter isn't proper family neither are you but if you do do it with all the 'thank you for making your position so clear' grace you can muster.

These “children” are 28, 20, and 19 so OP can’t stop the younger two from attending.

You are absolutely in your right to feel hurt, OP. But ranting at them won't solve anything I'm afraid.

Thank you i feel the same so would my mom.

Out of interest, OP, how would you have felt if none of your children had been invited - if they’d said they were inviting aunts and uncles, but not cousins?

Would you have been okay with this, given that none of your children were “singled out”? Or would you still feel like they should have been included?

Sorry, that was presumptuous of me. She may have had more contact with the cousins than OPs DD though. OP says they’re close in age but not that they’re close. They may have had very little recent contact.

I would have told husband that I was not happy that one was not invited and two were and on that basis myself and the three children would not be attending.

Surely at 19 and 20 they can make up their own minds!

That’s the difference, your daughter saw all of these relations growing up. OP cut off contact when her daughter and this nephew were children, they haven’t seen each other for 20 years. So not altogether surprising he hasn’t invited her and her children, when he doesn’t know them from Adam.

As your DD is 28 and can speak for herself, I think you were unreasonable interfering here. She's not a child that has to go everywhere with you and she has her own children/family to worry about. Actually, I'm guessing the fact that including her would have added the children and her DH is the reason she wasn't invited - logistics were just too much.

I think given the OP insistence that the step grand children be included ( eldest daughters DC) its probable she would have still complained and tried to force the issue.

Agree. I know someone whose eldest has had his surname changed 6 times, to reflect the latest new partner/baby set-up. He's 12.

Ha, way to make it about yourself eh? You sound like an absolute headache love..

My daughter is getting married in June. The save-the-date cards went out in January, and the invitations were posted a few weeks ago. We only had eight months to plan the wedding, and the largest suitable reception venue limited us to 120 guests, so not everyone could be invited. Weddings have also become insanely expensive as the cost of everything has gone up so dramatically in the last few years.

Mostly this has gone okay, except for my SIL. DH is very low contact with her after a lifetime of jealousy and drama from her. The last time DD saw her was over a decade ago and DD can't recall what she looks like. She was not invited. This led to a torrent of abuse from her on Facebook, and she's now trying to persuade other family members not to attend, in some form of revenge for not being invited. She seems oblivious to the fact that her behavior demonstrates why DH is low contact with her.

My point is that it is impossible to make everyone happy in situations like this. No one has a divine right to a wedding invitation, and if you don't get one, it's best to try to accept that with a bit of grace.

The nephew and family have shown themselves to be cunts, for both the funeral story and this wedding business.

There's nothing you can do now, unfortunately you've created a bit of a storm.

You can step away from your husband's family who've hurt you and if your daughters wonder why, make sure they know the reason. They might find themselves in your situation one day and they need to know how wrong that kind of behaviour is.

Having said all that, I believe the guest list is up to the B&G but this smacks of toxic and deliberately hurtful.

Yabu. Weddings are expensive and you grown up children. You lucky the two youngest are in invited

Ah, this is the real issue! This is why you flew off the handle and phoned up about the wedding. Emotions got the better of you, but you were hurt for your DD.

The OP stepped away over 20 years ago, and now is upset that they have not invited someone they hardly know to a wedding.

I am sure they are inviting her other kids because they are blood family even if they hardly know them.