To have phoned DH’s nephew twice to ask why me daughter and grandchildren aren’t invited to his wedding

[SlothsRUs]

Husband is fucking angry with me. Received an invitation to his nephew’s wedding for us and our two daughters but not for my eldest daughter who is from a previous relationship.

Nephew’s response was that she was a step-relative who hadn’t been thought of but he didn’t think they were close.
He is closer in age to her and has known her longer than he has known the others.

I got his number off husband’s phone. He's furious with me.

Nephew is son of Brother-in-Law. The daughter of Sister-in-Law is invited with her toddler but my grandchildren aren’t invited.

When I found this out I rang him back asking how he felt closer to this family as they had grown up in different countries. He said he wasn’t willing to carry on the conversation.

BiL rang husband suggesting had I requested an invitation, one would be forthcoming, I don’t believe him. I get the sense it was more of control your wife.

I have no hope at all of my daughters not going, husband is definitely going.

I am fucking sick to my stomach. SiL rang me directly virtually threatening me saying I had upset people and not to involve my MiL.

Fucking furious.

People are going ask DD1 is 28, younger two are 19 and 20. Groom is 29.

You sound unhinged

To some people…. Blood is thicker then water and being biologically related means something and there is nothing wrong with that.

You don’t agree and you want them to treat her as family when she’s not their family.

You behaved like a lunatic.

Just refuse to go.

Obviously you know are being unreasonable but I do understand, if her two sisters are invited it's pretty crappy she hasn't been. I wouldn't necessarily have expected her children though.

I'd personally let the dust settle then reach out to nephew and explain your emotions got the better of you, and apologise.

I personally had a similar situation with a friend at my wedding when I didn't invite her partner (I'd never met him, they'd only been together a few months). She apologised a few weeks later and I did appreciate and move past it!

You sound completely insane.

Your husband is a Saint or an idiot for allowing you to ruin his and his children's relationship with his family. I'm not sure which but I hope he wakes up and fixes this mess he allowed.

It's not your decision to make. It's not your wedding. You don't get to decide who is asked. You don't get to intimidate, behave like a bully and demand invitations/complain about who is and isn't asked. It's none of your business. Whether it suits you or not is irrelevant. All you get to decide is whether to accept your invitation. That's it.

The nephew might well have made a poor choice- it's his choice to make. You've behaved appallingly and you still don't really accept that.

Because they don't want to.

They do not need to offer you an explanation. Their decision does not need justification.
You are only furthering the divide in the family.
You need to let this go.
It may hurt, you've made that clear, but you are not in a position to demand anything.
Stop trying to understand it.

Do you often behave like this- shouting the odds and expecting to get your own way if something doesn't suit you ? You seem to not get how awful your behaviour is. Honestly, OP, it's awful.

Quite incredible, really :(

So those who would invite their cousins and cousin’s toddler but not my daughter and her two children could you give me a reason?

I'll bite. I'm really close to my cousins. Sounds like your nephew doesn't really know your adult DD (due, apparently to you in large part). I'd love my cousin and her DC at my wedding.

I'm also massively close to my DHs niece - lives in another country. I've known her since she was a teenager and I love her and her kids to bits. We do see them roughly two or three times a year and we text a lot.

I'd invite both of these people over a 28 year old neither I nor my prospective groom really knows.

See, I think when get married, your husband/wife becomes your chosen family, and if they already have DC, they become your chosen family too.

As such, it is disrespectful for extended family to exclude them. Just as it would be rude for the IL's to exclude you as technically you yourself are 'not blood'.

By the logic of this, nobody would ever be invited to their husband's family's events as technically they are 'not related'.

So I agree it was rude and divisive of DN not to invite your eldest if he invited your younger two. It was rude of your IL's not to accept that your DH had taken on your eldest and raised her as his own from the age of 3.

BUT... you still shouldn't have phoned them. You should have written them off as the nasty pieces of work they are. You have lost the moral high ground.

he should’ve invited her but not her kids. Theyre not the same as cousin toddler. They’re further removed and where do you draw the line? Also he prob thinks she has her own life now

I stand corrected! I have not read the other thread but if this is the case, then yeah, OP is very U.

How do I see OPs previous threads from a laptop? Interested in seeing how this unhinged shit show got started!

My goodness you really are an over bearing bossy and interfering mother, and the ' children ' involved are actually all adults !!!

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4942082-younger-children-turning-on-me.

I didn't even have my own step siblings at my wedding! No big fallings out or family drama, I get on with them perfectly well, but there were other people that were higher up the list for me 🤷‍♀️

What sort of relationship does your nearly 30 year old daughter have with the bride and groom?
Do they socialise at all? When did they last spend time together? Did they grow up in each others lives? Play together as kids? What's their relationship like on a day to day basis?

OhmygodDont thank you very much 🙂

I admit that I did stop facilitating a relationship with my in-laws because of the effect their behaviour had on my eldest child, and she was a child. My husband could have taken the other two and I couldn’t have stopped him.
We still saw the in-laws a few times a year but as a family.
My eldest had to watch her younger sisters being put into a limousine at FiL’s funeral, have a priest read a eulogy that mentioned every grandchild but her and her cousins and sisters reading bidding prayers. They all thought her tears were for the only grandfather she had but it was because she was humiliated .
Nephew hasn’t invited her and some posters say he doesn’t know her and that was my fault but he knows her as much as the others and I don’t think he knows his aunt’s kids any better.

@SlothsRUs

you sound a bit overwrought! Chill 😎

It may have been different it your DD was a child who lived with you, but she is a grown woman, doesn't know the couple getting married, so YABVU.

you are all sorts of unreasonable, but this is actually an interesting case to me because of the ages

your youngest is 19, adults would typically be invited separately. But, let’s for a moment give the bride and groom a little wiggle room and say that inviting your household with a 19yo and 20yo is reasonable.

The 28yo is still a completely separate entity who should be sent her own invitation to her own home. Even it she were biologically related, it’s possible they might have decided to not extend invites to the next generation.

I would have sent your dh on his own with not children whatsoever.

It's like talking to a brick wall.

I'm out.