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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Younger children turning on me.

270 replies

SlothsRUs · 13/11/2023 18:01

I feel my whole world fell apart at the weekend my middle daughter turned on me followed by youngest and totally supported by husband.

They accused me of sabotaging their relationship with husband’s family, something I absolutely refute.

I do admit that I stopped ‘facilitating’ the relationship because the behaviour of the in-laws had a negative impact on my eldest daughter from a previous relationship.

All this came about when middle daughter started spending time with DH’s niece who teaches at adjoining uni to the one Middle daughter started at last year. She told MD that I stopped them having a relationship.

In-laws were always nice to my eldest one but there was different treatment to the other grandchildren so it was difficult to go round there. There was an occasion when we declined wedding invitations for younger kids from DH’s cousin when they could have been flower girls as it seemed unfair to eldest. We didn’t go on Christmas Day as eldest one wouldn’t have been so generously treated.

SiL always asked to have younger ones but not eldest in spite of having kids same age as eldest.

It was easier to leave all three with my mother but husband suggested we split them and I always refused. He was lovely to my eldest though.

When BiL car back to England his eldest handed camera to my eldest to take photos of the ‘real’ cousins.

Eldest is now single parent and has had unsuccessful attempts to form relationships with her father.

My husband could always have ensured they saw that side but he tended to go alone after work.

Youngest daughter said my eldest was an embarrassment. Don’t know how to move forward. Middle one gone back to uni after reading week.

OP posts:
Edinvillian · 13/11/2023 18:42

How dare your husband blame you, they're his family and if he was that bothered he should've taken the two youngest to see them.

NorthStarRising · 13/11/2023 18:50

So your husband wanted to take the two younger ones to see his family, but you refused to let it happen?
I can see why that would cause resentment.

Ponoka7 · 13/11/2023 18:52

I've seen this time and time again (I'm 55) and I think that it is unfair on the children who are biologically related to the father's family. You've prioritised your eldest, rather than explain why she is treated differently and help her to get over it. However I do agree that your DH should have taken over, gone to the wedding etc. Unless you didn't allow that. You were wrong to not let them be split. I've formed relationships with children who aren't biologically related and it's been a big loss when I am no longer allowed contact (because of a split) so I don't blame anyone for not creating a boundary. You've got to own what you did and admit you made the wrong decision.

Ponoka7 · 13/11/2023 18:52

Edinvillian · 13/11/2023 18:42

How dare your husband blame you, they're his family and if he was that bothered he should've taken the two youngest to see them.

Did you miss that the OP wouldn't allow it?

TeaKitten · 13/11/2023 18:53

There was an occasion when we declined wedding invitations for younger kids from DH’s cousin when they could have been flower girls as it seemed unfair to eldest. We didn’t go on Christmas Day as eldest one wouldn’t have been so generously treated.

You did stop their relationship to some extent, you’ve said it yourself. You felt you had your reasons and I can see that, but you still did it and they’re still mad about it. Talk it through with them, but don’t play the victim. And make your husband play his part here too.

Pooooochi · 13/11/2023 18:56

I've seen this time and time again (I'm 55) and I think that it is unfair on the children who are biologically related to the father's family. You've prioritised your eldest, rather than explain why she is treated differently and help her to get over it.

This. You can't deny your younger children happy paternal family relationships because your eldest paternal family have let her down, that's biting off your nose to spite your face. The people who have let your eldest down are her own paternal relations if they haven't been around to offer her the relationship your younger kids relations wanted with them.

Pooooochi · 13/11/2023 18:58

My husband could always have ensured they saw that side but he tended to go alone after work

Could he really? Or would you have been fuming, could it have caused the breakdown of his relationship with the mother of his children? You gave him little choice by making your own view on the situation very clear.

benefitsterrified · 13/11/2023 18:58

But you did this. this is on you. The kids are right.

Bluela18 · 13/11/2023 18:58

You do things to protect your children from certain behaviours from the in laws and its easy for relationships to fall apart without it being anyones fault really Just stand your ground and explain you did the right thing at the time as they were playing favourites but you will support them now if they want to have relationships with them. They are probably poisoning their minds? Trying to put the blame on you. Refuse to be treated like that, you did the right thing if you thought it was damaging your children. If you did nothing they might now turn round and say why did you allow me to be treated that way by the. Just sit down try understand but explain your point in a loving way why you stopped facilitating the relationship

Pooooochi · 13/11/2023 19:00

they were playing favourites

It is not "playing favourites" for extended family to have a different view of step children.

PlacidPenelope · 13/11/2023 19:04

There was an occasion when we declined wedding invitations for younger kids from DH’s cousin when they could have been flower girls as it seemed unfair to eldest.

What is the age difference between the three? Did/would your eldest want/have wanted to be a flower girl?

I do think you have put blocks in the way of the younger twos relationship with their dads side of the family, it is tough with blended families but you yourself said : In-laws were always nice to my eldest one

but there was different treatment to the other grandchildren so it was difficult to go round there

What were the differences?

SwirlyWhirls · 13/11/2023 19:05

That’s awful. Poor kids.

BrimfulOfMash · 13/11/2023 19:05

There was an occasion when we declined wedding invitations for younger kids from DH’s cousin when they could have been flower girls as it seemed unfair to eldest. We didn’t go on Christmas Day as eldest one wouldn’t have been so generously treated.

You have caused this.

Blending families is hard, but sorry, you don’t get to dictate to your DH’s cousins that they have to incorporate their cousin’s step child into the wedding party.

You say the IL’s were always nice to your eldest Dd. She sounds older than the others, old enough to know that they are her step relatives and that’s different… and fine. They were nice to her. The way to allow relationships to build is to allow them to develop naturally. Not issue ultimatums and boycott important family occasions like Christmas.

You sound as if you have been controlling and non compromising, and that your approach attempting to insist that your eldest is integrated on equal terms has indeed created a division for your younger Dds from their Dad’s family.

However: he should have taken them. Why didn’t he?

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 13/11/2023 19:06

There was an occasion when we declined wedding invitations for younger kids from DH’s cousin when they could have been flower girls as it seemed unfair to eldest.

So was eldest not invited at all or just not to be a flower girl?

You absolutely played favourites with your dc.

Original poster
SlothsRUs · 13/11/2023 19:08

I accept that there were occasions when I preferred to keep all three together rather than split them up leaving my eldest alone with my mother.

The issues at Christmas began before my middle daughter was even born when eldest’s face would literally fall when she saw husband’s nieces ad nephew and everything they had been given by in-laws when she would be given one present. It was difficult.
When FiL’s sister came from Ireland there would be presents for younger two but not eldest. I accept this wasn’t necessarily cruel just thoughtless.

I couldn’t go out with youngest leaving eldest behind. Husband agreed that it was difficult for him as well to do this. He worked socks off and felt he didn’t have energy to take his own kids to his parents. He feels I should have done more to facilitate the relationship and explained to eldest the nature of relationship.
Time has flown and maybe I should have done things differently. Don’t know how to move forward.

OP posts:
starlightcan · 13/11/2023 19:08

I think your stance on this was understandable – you treat siblings the same, even if you have more of a connection with some of the kids than others, for whatever reason. Why couldn’t all three kids have been flower girls, if they were that bothered? Why did your husband’s family not make the same effort to treat the three young siblings the same? Can’t fathom how a group of adults would not include all 3 children equally.

Your husband should not be openly ganging up against you with kids on this. You may disagree on it, but he can also explain to them calmly why you made these decisions, or direct them to you. He’s not helping anyone by fuelling this division.

Why is youngest being unpleasant about your eldest?

benefitsterrified · 13/11/2023 19:10

SlothsRUs · 13/11/2023 19:08

I accept that there were occasions when I preferred to keep all three together rather than split them up leaving my eldest alone with my mother.

The issues at Christmas began before my middle daughter was even born when eldest’s face would literally fall when she saw husband’s nieces ad nephew and everything they had been given by in-laws when she would be given one present. It was difficult.
When FiL’s sister came from Ireland there would be presents for younger two but not eldest. I accept this wasn’t necessarily cruel just thoughtless.

I couldn’t go out with youngest leaving eldest behind. Husband agreed that it was difficult for him as well to do this. He worked socks off and felt he didn’t have energy to take his own kids to his parents. He feels I should have done more to facilitate the relationship and explained to eldest the nature of relationship.
Time has flown and maybe I should have done things differently. Don’t know how to move forward.

You reap what you sow.

This is why blending families is such a challenge. Your husband can treat them all the same, but they're not, and you can't expect wider family to do so.

Original poster
SlothsRUs · 13/11/2023 19:11

Eldest 27, Middle 20 and youngest 18.

OP posts:
benefitsterrified · 13/11/2023 19:13

Why didn't your husband take the younger ones if it was so important to him though?

PlacidPenelope · 13/11/2023 19:14

SlothsRUs · 13/11/2023 19:11

Eldest 27, Middle 20 and youngest 18.

And what age were they when the Flower Girl was proposed?

TeaKitten · 13/11/2023 19:15

SlothsRUs · 13/11/2023 19:08

I accept that there were occasions when I preferred to keep all three together rather than split them up leaving my eldest alone with my mother.

The issues at Christmas began before my middle daughter was even born when eldest’s face would literally fall when she saw husband’s nieces ad nephew and everything they had been given by in-laws when she would be given one present. It was difficult.
When FiL’s sister came from Ireland there would be presents for younger two but not eldest. I accept this wasn’t necessarily cruel just thoughtless.

I couldn’t go out with youngest leaving eldest behind. Husband agreed that it was difficult for him as well to do this. He worked socks off and felt he didn’t have energy to take his own kids to his parents. He feels I should have done more to facilitate the relationship and explained to eldest the nature of relationship.
Time has flown and maybe I should have done things differently. Don’t know how to move forward.

Christmas doesn’t excuse declining flower girl invited OP. You need to own your mistakes to your kids and be sorry.

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 13/11/2023 19:16

benefitsterrified · 13/11/2023 19:13

Why didn't your husband take the younger ones if it was so important to him though?

Op says she refused to let him.
So what age were they asked to be flower girls when you refused that?
If youngest were 7 and 5 your eldest would have been 14?

benefitsterrified · 13/11/2023 19:17

Sorry yes,I skim read and see now that the op refused to allow the younger ones to go.

Well op this is on you. And totally on you.

starlightcan · 13/11/2023 19:19

TeaKitten · 13/11/2023 19:15

Christmas doesn’t excuse declining flower girl invited OP. You need to own your mistakes to your kids and be sorry.

Show quote history

Seriously though, how can someone be that het up about who was flower girl at a wedding over a decade ago?

Why does the OP need to be sorry? She had her reasons for her decision at the time. I think the assertion that it was a ‘mistake’ is a matter of opinion.

benefitsterrified · 13/11/2023 19:20

Well, her DDs are now saying wtf were you at mother. And so she needs to explain? It isn't fair to do that to kids - they are entitled to a relationship with their wider family, and what the op did in stopping it because they didn't treat her older child the same as their actual grandchildren, is wrong.

did your DH adopt your elder child op?