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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have phoned DH’s nephew twice to ask why me daughter and grandchildren aren’t invited to his wedding

533 replies

SlothsRUs · 17/03/2024 12:33

Husband is fucking angry with me. Received an invitation to his nephew’s wedding for us and our two daughters but not for my eldest daughter who is from a previous relationship.

Nephew’s response was that she was a step-relative who hadn’t been thought of but he didn’t think they were close.
He is closer in age to her and has known her longer than he has known the others.

I got his number off husband’s phone. He's furious with me.

Nephew is son of Brother-in-Law. The daughter of Sister-in-Law is invited with her toddler but my grandchildren aren’t invited.

When I found this out I rang him back asking how he felt closer to this family as they had grown up in different countries. He said he wasn’t willing to carry on the conversation.

BiL rang husband suggesting had I requested an invitation, one would be forthcoming, I don’t believe him. I get the sense it was more of control your wife.

I have no hope at all of my daughters not going, husband is definitely going.

I am fucking sick to my stomach. SiL rang me directly virtually threatening me saying I had upset people and not to involve my MiL.

Fucking furious.

People are going ask DD1 is 28, younger two are 19 and 20. Groom is 29.

OP posts:
fruitbrewhaha · 17/03/2024 17:10

It’s ok to be upset but I think you’ve behaved appallingly.

shit show for sure

Freakinfraser · 17/03/2024 17:10

Oh just read your other thread, this isn’t your first rodeo is it op. You’ve got previous. And you have caused a lot of damage. Possibly with good intent at first, but now you’re just being mean and rude. I can understand why your family is so dysfunctional. There are ways to manage things. But I don’t think things will change now.

InterIgnis · 17/03/2024 17:12

SlothsRUs · 17/03/2024 17:05

I know that I am coming over as a lunatic BUT aunt is invited with her children and her grandchild.

Uncle is invited with two of his children BUT NOT the child he had raised since she was three and NOT her two children.

My daughter has been known to them for a quarter of a century.

So those who would invite their cousins and cousin’s toddler but not my daughter and her two children could you give me a reason? Predicated only on shared DNA. Genuinely struggling to understand.

Because they’re not close to her, they don’t consider her to be family, and they don’t want to. It’s very possible that you trying to force closeness, and deny your younger daughters a relationship with her paternal family, has totally put paid to any chance of them ever becoming close to her.

It doesn’t matter how long they’ve known her. Knowing someone a long time doesn’t mean that you’re close to them, or that you even like them.

MrsPerfect12 · 17/03/2024 17:12

It's not nice that he didn't invite your DD. An invite for the children for cousins shouldn't be expected. In your situation it's does seem like a DNA issue given he included the other cousins children.

MississippiAF · 17/03/2024 17:16

SlothsRUs · 17/03/2024 17:05

I know that I am coming over as a lunatic BUT aunt is invited with her children and her grandchild.

Uncle is invited with two of his children BUT NOT the child he had raised since she was three and NOT her two children.

My daughter has been known to them for a quarter of a century.

So those who would invite their cousins and cousin’s toddler but not my daughter and her two children could you give me a reason? Predicated only on shared DNA. Genuinely struggling to understand.

But they have no relationship with her? So why would they invite her? This is what you are just not getting. Why does she even want to go, given they are all effectively strangers to each other?

SingsongSu · 17/03/2024 17:18

Stop ‘trying to understand’ something that needs no understanding OP.
Weddings are expensive, B&G are perfectly entitled to invite who they want for whatever reasons they want to. You’ve caused a massive problem here which was so unnecessary.

LeWifi · 17/03/2024 17:18

OhmygodDont · 17/03/2024 17:06

Because you, because of your golden daughter basically cut them off from their family!

Show quote history

Ooh, I thought you had misunderstood something in the op, but I’ve now seen where you’ve got this.

converseandjeans · 17/03/2024 17:18

I cannot accept that they can’t treat her like a cousin

But she isn't his cousin. She presumably has family on her Dads side? It's not up to the nephew to make up for the fact that maybe her Dad's side aren't involved.

Livelovebehappy · 17/03/2024 17:20

Theres been a few similar threads to this lately. I think your dd is old enough surely to appreciate that weddings cost a lot, and not everyone can be accommodated. I get you’re pissed off, but just decline to go and you and your dd do something that day instead. If they backed down due to your aggressive approach, wouldn’t you feel awkward attending when you know half the guests will know what you’ve done to get the invite for your daughter? Or are you a bit thick skinned, and it wouldn’t bother you?

Curlygirli · 17/03/2024 17:21

Hi op, you’re well within your rights to feel upset that your daughter wasn’t invited but calling your nephew was not on. Weddings are expensive and stressful, the guest list has to stop at some point.

My sister and I were invited to my cousins wedding, but my DH, DD and DS weren’t. I was a little shocked when I received the invitation, but I declined, sent my well wishes and a small gift. I wouldn’t dream of calling the bride/groom to complain.

tacosforbreakfast · 17/03/2024 17:21

SlothsRUs · 17/03/2024 17:05

I know that I am coming over as a lunatic BUT aunt is invited with her children and her grandchild.

Uncle is invited with two of his children BUT NOT the child he had raised since she was three and NOT her two children.

My daughter has been known to them for a quarter of a century.

So those who would invite their cousins and cousin’s toddler but not my daughter and her two children could you give me a reason? Predicated only on shared DNA. Genuinely struggling to understand.

I wouldn't invite someone who I had no relationship with - and he doesn't have a relationship with her.

They had to draw the line somewhere and it got drawn at blood cousins.

That's it.

Seaside3 · 17/03/2024 17:22

You do realise a wedding is likely to cost £100 or more or person, op?

Whilst it's sad they're not close after 25 years, you can't force them to be.

You come across as a lunatic because you are behaving as one.

Wouldyouguess · 17/03/2024 17:23

OhmygodDont · 17/03/2024 17:06

Because you, because of your golden daughter basically cut them off from their family!

Show quote history

She didnt say anything about a golden daughter- just that she was hurt the daughter was not invited, why do people add those pretty vile projections?

LenaLamont · 17/03/2024 17:24

@SlothsRUs - So those who would invite their cousins and cousin’s toddler but not my daughter and her two children could you give me a reason? Predicated only on shared DNA. Genuinely struggling to understand.

Well, for a start you interfered when his cousins were invited to be flower girls at a family wedding and you said no because your daughter was invited but not part of the bridal party.

And you stopped them staying overnight with their cousins because of your mother "wouldn't spoil" your eldest while she stayed there.

And you wouldn't take them to visit their grandparents because at Christmas they were kind to your eldest and got her a nice gift, but not as much as they got their actual grandchildren.

You've done everything possible to keep this half of your younger daughters' family away, over the past 20 years because of your eldest golden child.

To whom the bride and groom are not related and with whom they are not close.

Is the penny dropping yet?

Quite frankly it's a miracle they invited any of you, given the track record.

Everythinggreen · 17/03/2024 17:24

According to MN DSC should not be excluded from important family events that bio kids wre included in, until they're 18 of course and then no-one needs to acknowledge them, and you must not be upset about that!

fleurneige · 17/03/2024 17:25

I have had to re-read the OP twice. Is this for real???

tacosforbreakfast · 17/03/2024 17:25

Wouldyouguess · 17/03/2024 17:23

She didnt say anything about a golden daughter- just that she was hurt the daughter was not invited, why do people add those pretty vile projections?

Show quote history

You need to read the op's other thread for context.

OhmygodDont · 17/03/2024 17:26

Wouldyouguess · 17/03/2024 17:23

She didnt say anything about a golden daughter- just that she was hurt the daughter was not invited, why do people add those pretty vile projections?

Show quote history

Read the ops other thread. The two younger dc basically got cut off from their fathers side because the older wasn’t treated exactly how op wanted her to be. The younger ones are mad/where mad at their mother for her denying them a relationship with their own family.

Teenangels · 17/03/2024 17:27

SlothsRUs · 17/03/2024 17:05

I know that I am coming over as a lunatic BUT aunt is invited with her children and her grandchild.

Uncle is invited with two of his children BUT NOT the child he had raised since she was three and NOT her two children.

My daughter has been known to them for a quarter of a century.

So those who would invite their cousins and cousin’s toddler but not my daughter and her two children could you give me a reason? Predicated only on shared DNA. Genuinely struggling to understand.

You are coming over as a lunatic, you have said I know I am being a twat, BUT… you can’t see it and don’t want to see it.

Your younger daughters were deprived of a relationship with their paternal family because you could not see that although they cared and brought presents for your daughter they weren’t the same.

You have made it very clear that you want nothing to do with your husbands family (and your younger daughters family) but now you have been invited that is not good enough.

why has your husband not adopted your daughter and why have your younger daughter got so much resentment?

You have behaved appallingly and if my sister in law behaved like you have, I would never have anything to do with you again.

I feel for your poor husband and if I was him, I would be seriously considering my marriage.

converseandjeans · 17/03/2024 17:28

I do admit that I stopped ‘facilitating’ the relationship because the behaviour of the in-laws had a negative impact on my eldest daughter from a previous relationship

Sorry to quote another thread - but you have deliberately stopped your daughters from seeing their biological family just because you took offence at eldest not being asked to be flower girl. I'm surprised you were even invited to this one!

Teenangels · 17/03/2024 17:28

SlothsRUs · 17/03/2024 17:05

I know that I am coming over as a lunatic BUT aunt is invited with her children and her grandchild.

Uncle is invited with two of his children BUT NOT the child he had raised since she was three and NOT her two children.

My daughter has been known to them for a quarter of a century.

So those who would invite their cousins and cousin’s toddler but not my daughter and her two children could you give me a reason? Predicated only on shared DNA. Genuinely struggling to understand.

Your daughter has no relationship with them because you didn’t allow any relationship.

You can’t have it both way OP

tacosforbreakfast · 17/03/2024 17:29

Teenangels · 17/03/2024 17:28

Your daughter has no relationship with them because you didn’t allow any relationship.

You can’t have it both way OP

Show quote history

This basically.

ThePunchBowl · 17/03/2024 17:31

Teenangels · 17/03/2024 17:28

Your daughter has no relationship with them because you didn’t allow any relationship.

You can’t have it both way OP

Show quote history

Yup, this. Your husband needs to cut you off I think.

InterIgnis · 17/03/2024 17:32

Wouldyouguess · 17/03/2024 17:23

She didnt say anything about a golden daughter- just that she was hurt the daughter was not invited, why do people add those pretty vile projections?

Show quote history

Her youngest daughters were/are angry at her for denying them a relationship with their paternal family. They see their sister as the reason for this, and she too is resented.

Now there’s another event in their paternal family, and their mother has once again managed to create a drama about their sister (and they will find out, even if OP doesn’t tell them).

All OP is managing to do here is damage her relationships with her in laws, husband, and younger daughters. She’s also poisoning the relationship between her eldest and her sisters, and between her eldest and her husband’s family.

ShortSilence · 17/03/2024 17:33

Given the history it kind of feels like they have been remarkable tolerant of you, tbh. Probably for the sake of your younger two, with whom they don’t want to lose contact.

Your eldest is just not someone they feel a bond with, and that is totally fair enough. As a pp said, you don’t need to “understand” it. It is what it is. It’s fine. Life is full of other things to focus on.