To have phoned DH’s nephew twice to ask why me daughter and grandchildren aren’t invited to his wedding

[SlothsRUs]

Husband is fucking angry with me. Received an invitation to his nephew’s wedding for us and our two daughters but not for my eldest daughter who is from a previous relationship.

Nephew’s response was that she was a step-relative who hadn’t been thought of but he didn’t think they were close.
He is closer in age to her and has known her longer than he has known the others.

I got his number off husband’s phone. He's furious with me.

Nephew is son of Brother-in-Law. The daughter of Sister-in-Law is invited with her toddler but my grandchildren aren’t invited.

When I found this out I rang him back asking how he felt closer to this family as they had grown up in different countries. He said he wasn’t willing to carry on the conversation.

BiL rang husband suggesting had I requested an invitation, one would be forthcoming, I don’t believe him. I get the sense it was more of control your wife.

I have no hope at all of my daughters not going, husband is definitely going.

I am fucking sick to my stomach. SiL rang me directly virtually threatening me saying I had upset people and not to involve my MiL.

Fucking furious.

People are going ask DD1 is 28, younger two are 19 and 20. Groom is 29.

Who do they think they are? The fucking Malfoys?

I think they think they are people planning an expensive wedding who expect to invite who they want.

Tbh all that means is he may feel an obligation to invite them, not that he actually wants them there.

My children are adults and the two youngest are going no matter what I say,

I am overwrought. I admit it. I want to scream.

Husband is going to actually carry our neighbour over as she has had knee replacement to eat with us so I will have distraction.

I know what I am presenting as but it’s not me usually but I would never exclude on the basis of blood. Just so upset.

This is pointless, you’re never going to get it. You stopped a relationship between all of your DC and your in-laws because of your eldest. They’ve persevered with your youngest because they are your DH’s children. You and the eldest are nothing to them due to your behaviour. Why on earth would they want your DC there (and her dc?!) who they have no relationship with? And why does she want to go, if they’ve humiliated her so?

I don't think you were being unreasonable @SlothsRUs . Family is not just blood. However, now you definitely know where you stand. Although given their past treatment of her, you should have known before anyway

You need to get over the fact that your oldest child is not their family. Blame her deadbeat dad, blame your family for not being overly active and what not in all your children’s lives.

You’ve got yourself so worked up over your eldest dd you nearly destroyed your relationship with your younger children. You punished your younger dd’s so your eldest didn’t feel left out with no regard to their feelings and even now it’s all about oldest DD.

You need to snap out of it before your younger children cut you off entirely one day.

OP- it doesn't matter whether you would exclude or not. You nephew has chosen, along with his wife to be, to not invite someone (an adult) he isn't close to. Entirely reasonable behaviour.

You have to let this go. You sound unhinged. It is nothing to do with you who they choose to invite or not. It's not your day- it's not about you.

If you stopped facilitating any relationship when your daughter was a child and she is now 28, it isn't surprising that your in-laws don't really feel she is close enough to invite to family weddings etc now.

My position is fairly similar to yours, in that SIL married a man with two children who at the time were around 8 and 10, and who mostly lived with them when they were growing up. I'm very fond of BIL and met his children a few times when they were children, but have really seen nothing of them since they were about 16/18 because they basically left home around then, one to join the army, one to college. When DD got married we invited DS, DBiL, and their child together, but it never occurred to us to invite DBiL's older children and no-one took offence. Probably because, entirely reasonably, they hadn't invited us to their weddings.

' My eldest had to watch her younger sisters being put into a limousine at FiL’s funeral, have a priest read a eulogy that mentioned every grandchild but her and her cousins and sisters reading bidding prayers. '

but

she wasn't a grandchild was she, she is a step grandchild in that there is no blood relation between her and the deceased ? the only tie between her and him is your marriage certificate to your husband ?

I actually think that the majority of your anger OP @SlothsRUs should be directed at your oldest DD's father and her grandparents on his side.

You've looked to DH's family to fully step into that role, which, of course, they could, but things didn't go that way and it sounds like some of that was because of your own input. None of us here can judge on the entire rights and wrongs of the history there.

Personally I think you should look at ways for you and your daughter to make peace with the situation rather than adding more mayhem, for your own well being if nothing else.

But your daughter is no relation to him. It annoys me when people make out that step children and blood relations are exactly the same. They aren't. Also regardless of all that you don't phone people and kick off because you don't agree with their wedding guest list. You sound entitled AF.

The issue is actually OP’s IMO… she hadn’t explained the difference in parentage to her eldest. Leading to needless confusion and upset.

You should not have rung. It's not your wedding.

You could have turned the invite down though. That's the only thing rightly in your control.

We had a very random set of people at our main wedding because my parents simply couldn't afford it and neither could we. Some were invited because we knew they physically couldn't make the evening do - which was bigger because it was cheaper per head (£8ph at night v £24ph lunchtime...1992 prices!)

Thank goodness everyone didn't start on me. My parents would have been mortified they couldn't afford more to the main sit down dinner.

I wonder if your husband will be able to get past this.

Its not a good thing you've done OP

Another way of looking at it @SlothsRUs is if your oldest DD was getting married, would she invite your nephew and his soon to be wife, if indeed she knows the soon to be wife, and any children they might have by then?

@SlothsRUs - It is very sad that your eldest daughter was never treated the same as your 2 younger children, when she was young and if you were posting this on Mumsnet 20 years ago when your eldest was 8, lots of people on here would have been sympathetic to you and giving you advice about how to navigate the situation.

Blended families are hard to deal with, but from reading your other thread, it wasn't handled very well, according to your comments. How it was handled then, in many ways, has a direct bearing on things now. I think your husband is also partly responsible for where you all find yourselves now. He should perhaps have stood his ground with both you and his parents back then. But what's done is done.

So I understand you being upset as this is a continuation of the situation over the years ( made worse by you refusing to basically let your younger children get to properly know the other side of the extended family). I can understand why your younger children have had a go at you ( your other thread) and I imagine that they have a great deal of resentment to your eldest too

But you are getting such a very hard time here, because phoning the nephew TWICE never mind once kicking off at him, was totally OTT and very ill-advised: simply not-on, however much you are upset. You have created an absolute family shit-storm. Your BIL has also said that you can still go yourself, if you change your mind in a few weeks, so he has been very kind, given what you did.

I think if you already have a child when you marry you have to be careful what expectations you put on the family you are marrying into.

To expect your spouse to treat your child as their own-of course.

But how many members of their family should that extend to?

If the child has no relationship with the other half of their birth family-should others be expected to step in & make up for that?

She wasnt his grandchild though?

Am I missing something here?

Another day, another happy blended family story.

Behave, you stopped them being flower girls at a family wedding.

Flower girls usually under 7, because your eldest was not included.

Newsflash I was not included in a wedding where a younger sibling was, no long term effects.

When your daughter did see her father did you make all of them see him, they are all family after all!

You are batshit crazy.

I can understand you are hurt and angry that your eldest daughter was not invited but I would not have expected them to invite grandchildren . Weddings are expensive and they can invite who they like really . Out of line ringing him!

I think that ESH. Of course, it was rude of you to ring up and harangue your husband's nephew, that is never appropriate. However, I also think that it was rather rude of the nephew to include his blood cousins but not his step cousin, so I get why you were upset.

I didn't get invited to several of my first cousins' birthdays, as in people I am actually related to by blood and who I spent a lot of time with when I was small. Really didn't mind at all. Still very fond of them but we see each other once a year at most, they're very far away and weddings are too expensive to invite everyone you care about.

Nope. OP had her eldest with someone who’s apparently been given a free pass at being a shit dad, but her DH’s family were very much expected to jump in and make up the difference. And when they didn’t, it cost them the relationship with their actual DGC/nieces/cousins.

Mind boggling.

OP, reading your other thread, you refused to allow your two younger children to have any contact with your DH’s side of the family. Your DH had to visit his side of the family by himself because you wouldn’t let the children go. You prevented them from attending family weddings, or seeing their grandparents at Christmas. Your younger two children no longer speak to you as a result.

Given that, I am astonished that you were invited yourself. I cannot believe you are surprised that your older daughter and her children aren’t invited - presumably your oldest daughter has not met your DH’s nephew for 20 years, and has never met the bride at all? Whereas your younger two have been trying to rebuild relationships with that side of the family.

Be honest, this is just another excuse for you to kick off about your in laws.