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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Playing hard to get really does work, it seems :(

161 replies

MintAnt · 16/03/2024 17:19

So I got to know someone through a shared activity. Felt he was interested, he remembered everything I say, he spoke to a couple of people about me positively, he teased me, mild flirting, I saw him looking at me a few times then look away, 2 others at this activity told me he liked me.
I'd already met him around 7 times and we had each others' numbers, we started texting a lot, and at the end of the day he'd say 'talk to you tomorrow '
I'm fully aware men and women can be just good friends but I could see a difference between him and other men.
I suggested coffee one day just the two of us and he was keen, said he'd really liked talking to me and wanted to moreso.
I felt a bit shy when we met, but there were no lulls in the conversation at all, it flew really well. He didn't seem to flirt as such, but he seemed a bit nervous too.
Anyway at the end he told me it had been great and we'd definitely do it after the activity again.
I wasn't sure if I'd given just friends vibes or more, I had completely matched his energy but because I'd been a little shy maybe he thought I wasn't interested.
On the (bad) advice of friends, I texted him the next day, suggesting I'd love to go on more of a date.
He changed like night and day. Said he'd let me know, I said that was fine, and he never did.
Seen him once at the hobby but we don't text now.
Honestly feel like I gave too much away. I should've waited for him to ask me again, it's my fault. Can anyone offer advice? I am kicking myself tbh.

OP posts:
DumpsterBaby · 16/03/2024 17:22

The advice is this man is not worth your time or energy. Who can be arsed with game players? Move on. And don’t look back.

MamaWillYouBuyMeAWillYouBuyMeABanana · 16/03/2024 17:24

There's someone else on here who has almost the exact same situation, but its at work rather than a hobby.

She has posted multiple tines and had lots and lots of advice so it may be worth trying to find those threads.

Generally though, you felt he was interested, and he's not. It happens, it stings for a bit, but you'll move on.

MintAnt · 16/03/2024 17:24

No you're right, I just thought this guy was really nice but I can't believe how easily they're put off :( I could fully understand if I'd text declaring my love or something nuts like that, but I didn't think this was all it took to scare them off :(

OP posts:
Cuckoochanel80 · 16/03/2024 17:24

You could just ask him if you did anything to offend him. How long has it been since you went out? If he had have been interested after the first time though you would have known so maybe he's not worth it and you need to forget about him.

MintAnt · 16/03/2024 17:25

MamaWillYouBuyMeAWillYouBuyMeABanana · 16/03/2024 17:24

There's someone else on here who has almost the exact same situation, but its at work rather than a hobby.

She has posted multiple tines and had lots and lots of advice so it may be worth trying to find those threads.

Generally though, you felt he was interested, and he's not. It happens, it stings for a bit, but you'll move on.

Thanks for letting me know, I'll have a look.
I shouldn't have listened to my friends. I'd like to believe hard to get doesn't work, but it seems it does :(
The hobby's from a meetup group, I feel awkward going now.

OP posts:
MintAnt · 16/03/2024 17:26

It's been 3 weeks. Maybe I'm naive but I honestly think if I'd ignored him afterwards he'd have wanted me more

OP posts:
MonsteraMama · 16/03/2024 17:28

I don't think it's evidence that playing hard to get works, just that you misread the signals and the guy wasn't interested in you like that. It's a shame but it happens. He's allowed to not want to date, doesn't make him a "game player" or a bad person.

Maybe he was really excited to be forging a new friendship and was thrown off guard by your romantic interest in him, haven't we all experienced that the other way around with male friends at some point?

TonTonMacoute · 16/03/2024 17:29

It's not you, OP, it's him.

MamaWillYouBuyMeAWillYouBuyMeABanana · 16/03/2024 17:29

MintAnt · 16/03/2024 17:25

Thanks for letting me know, I'll have a look.
I shouldn't have listened to my friends. I'd like to believe hard to get doesn't work, but it seems it does :(
The hobby's from a meetup group, I feel awkward going now.

Playing hard to get isn't really a thing tbh.

He just wasn't interested in anything more than a friendship.

Or even if he was at one time then he has decided he didn't like the more forward aspect of your personality, so it wouldn't have worked out anyway.

People have crushes and then get put off for varying reasons all the time.

BigPussyEnergy · 16/03/2024 17:29

Possibly, but would you want someone who could be put off by keenness?! As you say, you didn’t go over the top, you merely showed an interest, so why should anyone have to pretend they don’t like someone just to get a date. It’s childish and pointless - it’s not that playing hard to get “works” as such, it just means that you might end up bagging an immature game player. No great prize really.

MintAnt · 16/03/2024 17:29

MonsteraMama · 16/03/2024 17:28

I don't think it's evidence that playing hard to get works, just that you misread the signals and the guy wasn't interested in you like that. It's a shame but it happens. He's allowed to not want to date, doesn't make him a "game player" or a bad person.

Maybe he was really excited to be forging a new friendship and was thrown off guard by your romantic interest in him, haven't we all experienced that the other way around with male friends at some point?

Yeah that's absolutely fair enough. I don't know why, I'm just convinced that I came across too keen and that's what put him off.

OP posts:
mightydolphin · 16/03/2024 17:30

Maybe he was interested but realised there wasn't a spark? It doesn't mean you aren't a good person or that you can't be friends.

MintAnt · 16/03/2024 17:34

These replies have been reassuring, thank you. I don't mind at all if he's not interested because of spark or whatever, that happens, I just really felt I'd been too full on/too keen.

OP posts:
JMSA · 16/03/2024 17:35

It's pathetic and cowardly, but sadly not uncommon.
You have done nothing wrong.

FleurFloral · 16/03/2024 17:36

Please don't overthink it. For whatever reason, he's not the one for you.

If he acts all cool for a few weeks then gets in touch all interested I would honestly give him a miss otherwise it will twist your melon!

You're clearly attractive and likeable. When the right one comes along he won't play games or blow hot and cold.

Next!

BWSS · 16/03/2024 17:41

MintAnt · 16/03/2024 17:26

It's been 3 weeks. Maybe I'm naive but I honestly think if I'd ignored him afterwards he'd have wanted me more

Unfortunately, you’re probably right. It’s just how most men are.

MintAnt · 16/03/2024 17:43

BWSS · 16/03/2024 17:41

Unfortunately, you’re probably right. It’s just how most men are.

Honestly it sucks, I feel like kicking myself.

OP posts:
AllPrincessAnneshorses · 16/03/2024 17:48

JMSA · 16/03/2024 17:35

It's pathetic and cowardly, but sadly not uncommon.
You have done nothing wrong.

What's pathetic and cowardly? Not being as interested in someone as they are in you?

Ridiculous attitude.

AhBiscuits · 16/03/2024 17:49

If he was interested then you being keen would not put him off.

MintAnt · 16/03/2024 17:49

AhBiscuits · 16/03/2024 17:49

If he was interested then you being keen would not put him off.

Honestly do you reckon? I feel like most men just are like this, even the nice ones :(

OP posts:
willowthecat · 16/03/2024 17:50

Be thankful you wised up early - he's not worth it if that's his approach !!

Gollumm · 16/03/2024 17:52

I'm sorry but he's just not into you.

MintAnt · 16/03/2024 17:52

willowthecat · 16/03/2024 17:50

Be thankful you wised up early - he's not worth it if that's his approach !!

Maybe :( doesn't help everyone going on about how lovely he is. He was sending all these cutesy texts and literally scarpered off just because he saw I wanted a date.

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 16/03/2024 17:53

It's unlikely that put him off if he were really interested.

However, some men do get put off if they think a woman is keener than them because they believe all the stereotypical nonsense that women fall in love and want to get married and have babies yesterday.

When a man is really interested, it's almost impossible to put them off!

BlastedPimples · 16/03/2024 17:54

You did nothing wrong at all.

Playing silly games like hard to get is just delaying the inevitable. It engages the game players who will eventually lose interest.

Just be bright, cheerful and breezy at your mutual hobby.

Don't let him make you think he likes you again though. It'll just be his ego need a bit of inflating again.