Playing hard to get really does work, it seems :(

[MintAnt]

So I got to know someone through a shared activity. Felt he was interested, he remembered everything I say, he spoke to a couple of people about me positively, he teased me, mild flirting, I saw him looking at me a few times then look away, 2 others at this activity told me he liked me.
I'd already met him around 7 times and we had each others' numbers, we started texting a lot, and at the end of the day he'd say 'talk to you tomorrow '
I'm fully aware men and women can be just good friends but I could see a difference between him and other men.
I suggested coffee one day just the two of us and he was keen, said he'd really liked talking to me and wanted to moreso.
I felt a bit shy when we met, but there were no lulls in the conversation at all, it flew really well. He didn't seem to flirt as such, but he seemed a bit nervous too.
Anyway at the end he told me it had been great and we'd definitely do it after the activity again.
I wasn't sure if I'd given just friends vibes or more, I had completely matched his energy but because I'd been a little shy maybe he thought I wasn't interested.
On the (bad) advice of friends, I texted him the next day, suggesting I'd love to go on more of a date.
He changed like night and day. Said he'd let me know, I said that was fine, and he never did.
Seen him once at the hobby but we don't text now.
Honestly feel like I gave too much away. I should've waited for him to ask me again, it's my fault. Can anyone offer advice? I am kicking myself tbh.

He was interested, then that changed after the coffee. Either as a result of there not being a spark, or because he met someone else around the same time, or because his ego needed you to be interested and once you were he backed off. What will not have happened is that he changed his mind because you suggested the date. Unless he is a weirdo with unhealthy ideas about sex based roles, then he wouldn't have cared who suggested the date, he would have just been happy there was to be one.

Please don’t let this knock your confidence when it comes to dating/meeting someone. Sounds like cliche but if you know the date generally went well and you didn’t do anything outrageous, then it is his own circumstances and nothing to do with you.

I’ve been on both ends of the situation, but twice at different periods in my life I have met someone who was good looking, kind, and ticked all the right boxes but not bothered to try and take things further because I hadn’t processed the end of the relationship I’d had before. Both times I have known if I met them at a different time then I would’ve been more invested.

Maybe he just didn’t want to see the Dune film.

He ended up seeing the film alone apparently 🤣 so I'm guessing the cinema is 'off limits ' even if we stay friends. Thanks though, you've all made me feel a bit better. Alls I can think of is that he said he liked sub zero temperatures, I said I wasn't so keen and he looked a bit 🤔 at me. If that's it then he'll have a hard time finding someone with that criteria 🤣

I think if a man is really interested in you, he will let you know pretty quickly and unambiguously. It sounds like you misread his just being friendly and getting on well as romantic interest. Don't let it stop you doing your hobby, just smile and act normal when you see him. No harm done!

That's probably true. I just really thought he was because of the wanting to message me every day, talking to others about me, the looks, remembering everything etc. but yeah, that could have been totally misinterpreted, it might just be his way. I'll try to just act normal :)

Sounds like he just wanted to be your friend. I wouldn’t subscribe to trying to behave a certain way, I.e. playing ‘hard to get’. Everyone is different. You need to be your normal self to find someone who really works with who you are.

Hopefully.. I just feel like 'the rules ' win in the end :(

Nah l don't believe that at all. You experienced it.

I do think some men have impossibly high standards though... well so should we!

Oh you're far better off without him anyway OP sounds like he'd want to go camping in January when you just want to watch the traitors and get a Chinese.

I think.some men love the chase. If you chase them it can put them off. I've personally always found it pays not to be too keen too soon.

I suggested coffee one day just the two of us and he was keen, said he'd really liked talking to me and wanted to moreso.

This has nothing to do with playing hard to get / him liking the chase / you being too keen because if it was, he wouldn’t have accepted your invitation to coffee in the first place which is a key fact you seem to be overlooking! The type of man who plays these games would never have said yes to you in the first place.

You’ve either completely misread the signals & he was only ever interested in friendship or after having coffee he decided there was no spark, got the ick, met someone else etc.

I think your ego is hurt & it’s easier for you to blame him by pretending this is all about him game playing rather than him just not being into you (despite your protests that it’s fine) which is why you’re insisting you’re never going to show any interest in a man again, you’re going to “experiment” / game play yourself from now on etc.

When I was young and single (and going through similar!) I read the book 'Why Men Love Bitches'. The title is a bit extreme but it really changed my attitude to dating. Suggest you have a look.

The crux of it is, don't twist yourself into a pretzel for any man especially in the early stages. The right bloke for you will be happy with a bag of chips on a park bench. There's no need to cook him a three course dinner on the third date to impress him.

That's a good point.. honestly I don't think he's game playing, I just thought I'd freaked him out by suggesting the film. It sounds so daft I know.
I've just really subscribed to the whole chase thing.

It's more than I'm also embarrassed for 'putting myself out" so to speak and I'm scared to do it again.

One text the next day would not put someone off that was genuinely interested. If you were texting him wanting to know why he hadn't replied to previous text sent 5 minutes ago etc then that would put someone off. Basically making it clear that you would like to meet again is good. Acting controlling or desperate is bad.

It sounds like he isn't the right one for you. I don't think you have done anything wrong. Don't overdo think it. Someone put off by a single text asking for another date isn't keen enough.

I texted when I left but it was just a generic nice to see you thing then the convo naturally ended. Then again the next day :/

I find this to be true as well op, but also when I had my hoe phase and basically slept with guys 5 seconds after meeting them, half of them developed feelings and wanted a relationship. And they say women are confusing!

There’s no rule that you can apply to all men because all men are individuals

i ‘met’ DH on line pre internet dating sites when i was late 20s We arranged to meet for a drink and at the end I asked if he was interested in seeing me again because “if you’re not just tell me because im
not interested in being messed around”. I’m sure some men would have been horrified by that but then they wouldn’t have been the right men for me whereas DH who is straightforward and doesn’t like ambiguity was really happy I took that approach

you just can’t apply rules ti people like they are quadratic equations!

I think your instincts were probably right tbh. He is likely someone who enjoys “the chase” more than anything else.

It’s a horribly outdated approach to dating between men and women, but there seem to be some men who are only happy if they are making all the moves. It in essence gives them all the control, and you are say waiting and guessing to see whether they are interested. Men set this expectation of the dating process up because it puts them in the driving seat, and lets them be the ones selecting partners, whereas women only have the choice of those men who chase them.

You’re better off out of it!

It’s best to leave it to men to do the runnng.

Why is it pathetic and cowardly? He either didn't feel the sane way and realised OP wanted something different or after the coffee he realised there was no spark 🤷🏻‍♀️

One text hasn’t put him off. Perhaps on your initial date he just decided that it was a platonic thing for him and you asking him for another date has made him feel a bit awkward about saying no. He’s been cowardly by not telling you so. But honestly, a man who does like you in that way would not be put off by your text message. So stop beating yourself up about it.

Some people on here are telling me that men like to do the running, so I don't know :(
I know it's not every single man, but what if it's most of them :(

You've done nothing wrong.
I think this guy just wasn't that into you and decided to back off.
Please don't think you have to play hard to get or any other games for that matter. The right guy won't be put off by you being keen. Chalk this one up to experience and move on. I hope you find someone nice xx