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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Playing hard to get really does work, it seems :(

161 replies

MintAnt · 16/03/2024 17:19

So I got to know someone through a shared activity. Felt he was interested, he remembered everything I say, he spoke to a couple of people about me positively, he teased me, mild flirting, I saw him looking at me a few times then look away, 2 others at this activity told me he liked me.
I'd already met him around 7 times and we had each others' numbers, we started texting a lot, and at the end of the day he'd say 'talk to you tomorrow '
I'm fully aware men and women can be just good friends but I could see a difference between him and other men.
I suggested coffee one day just the two of us and he was keen, said he'd really liked talking to me and wanted to moreso.
I felt a bit shy when we met, but there were no lulls in the conversation at all, it flew really well. He didn't seem to flirt as such, but he seemed a bit nervous too.
Anyway at the end he told me it had been great and we'd definitely do it after the activity again.
I wasn't sure if I'd given just friends vibes or more, I had completely matched his energy but because I'd been a little shy maybe he thought I wasn't interested.
On the (bad) advice of friends, I texted him the next day, suggesting I'd love to go on more of a date.
He changed like night and day. Said he'd let me know, I said that was fine, and he never did.
Seen him once at the hobby but we don't text now.
Honestly feel like I gave too much away. I should've waited for him to ask me again, it's my fault. Can anyone offer advice? I am kicking myself tbh.

OP posts:
MintAnt · 16/03/2024 20:41

Bobbi730 · 16/03/2024 20:40

You've done nothing wrong.
I think this guy just wasn't that into you and decided to back off.
Please don't think you have to play hard to get or any other games for that matter. The right guy won't be put off by you being keen. Chalk this one up to experience and move on. I hope you find someone nice xx

Thank you, comments keep popping up on here saying men like the chase :(
But if that were true for him, maybe he would never have accepted the coffee?

OP posts:
bonzaitree · 16/03/2024 20:41

Sounds to me like he went on one date and changed his mind.

Which is 100% his right and his decision.

telestrations · 16/03/2024 20:45

Sorry but yes you got bad advise.

It's not necessarily a game but there is a dance, the build up of do they dont they, and you cut it short.

MintAnt · 16/03/2024 20:46

telestrations · 16/03/2024 20:45

Sorry but yes you got bad advise.

It's not necessarily a game but there is a dance, the build up of do they dont they, and you cut it short.

I see what you mean, but what if this had just happened later down the line? Why did he assume I wasn't interested when asking for the coffee first of all?

OP posts:
ForTonightGodisaDJ · 16/03/2024 21:01

MintAnt · 16/03/2024 17:26

It's been 3 weeks. Maybe I'm naive but I honestly think if I'd ignored him afterwards he'd have wanted me more

So what? Eventually for the relationship to progress you would have to stop playing hard to get and then what? Point is, he wasn't genuine at the end of the day. He's either interested in you or he's not.

MintAnt · 16/03/2024 21:03

ForTonightGodisaDJ · 16/03/2024 21:01

So what? Eventually for the relationship to progress you would have to stop playing hard to get and then what? Point is, he wasn't genuine at the end of the day. He's either interested in you or he's not.

That's the thing, all these people who claim hard to get has successfully worked for them. My friend swears by it but she's had a divorce and 2 failed engagements!

OP posts:
Spectre8 · 16/03/2024 21:07

Too much mental gymnastics isn't it. Fuck thay ill just be myself and either they like me or not and if they don't bye! Pointless wasting so much time and energy on this whatvif, does he, blah blah blah

Spectre8 · 16/03/2024 21:09

Why would u want to make someone u like feel like crap by pretending ur not interested in them cos u like a chase

I find it quite horrible to be honest I don't think it's fun or thrilling.

If u like me tell me and let's get on having fun getting to know each other but if ur gonna play games and try to make me feel crap then bugger off

ChampagneLassie · 16/03/2024 21:13

Honestly I dated LOADS (like hundreds of men) and sometimes I thought a date went really well and I’d get nothing. Just let it go. You don’t know what else is going on in his life. Maybe he was interested but the love of his life just entered stage left. Maybe he’s not single. Maybe he didn’t fancy you just liked as friend. Maybe something you said put him off. Don’t ask him, he probably won’t be honest. Try not to take it personally and just move on

ForTonightGodisaDJ · 16/03/2024 21:17

MintAnt · 16/03/2024 21:03

That's the thing, all these people who claim hard to get has successfully worked for them. My friend swears by it but she's had a divorce and 2 failed engagements!

That's kind of unfair. I imagine things progressed quite a bit between your friend being chased and then getting divorced! You're starting to come off as a bit immature now..

Bluegray2 · 16/03/2024 21:21

If this guy shows interest again in a couple of weeks what would you do?

MintAnt · 16/03/2024 21:21

ForTonightGodisaDJ · 16/03/2024 21:17

That's kind of unfair. I imagine things progressed quite a bit between your friend being chased and then getting divorced! You're starting to come off as a bit immature now..

I don't mean that to sound rude, apologies, but I mean it just doesn't guarantee anything long term. The men in question cheated or left, they weren't the right men for her, even if they did chase. It's a shame what she went through.

OP posts:
MintAnt · 16/03/2024 21:22

Bluegray2 · 16/03/2024 21:21

If this guy shows interest again in a couple of weeks what would you do?

I have no idea :( because if I showed interest he'd probably back off again.

OP posts:
moonjump · 16/03/2024 21:23

It doesn't sound like you put him off, more that he saw you as a friend and is mortified that you thought it was a dating scenario.

MintAnt · 16/03/2024 21:25

moonjump · 16/03/2024 21:23

It doesn't sound like you put him off, more that he saw you as a friend and is mortified that you thought it was a dating scenario.

I mean we were texting a lot and then met up alone, it could've been either friendly or more in my eyes, I don't think it would've been a massive reach for me to have been interested, but I do see what you mean and I'm trying to not blame myself as much now. He probably did just want to be friends from the off.

OP posts:
ClairDeLaLune · 16/03/2024 21:25

AllPrincessAnneshorses · 16/03/2024 17:48

What's pathetic and cowardly? Not being as interested in someone as they are in you?

Ridiculous attitude.

What’s pathetic and cowardly is him not replying properly to OP. He said he’d let her know. But he didn’t. He should have been honest and said he just saw her as a friend.

OP you have done nothing wrong. Why shouldn’t women take the initiative sometimes and ask men out? Sounds like you’ve dodged a bullet here though.

Picklestop · 16/03/2024 21:41

MintAnt · 16/03/2024 17:49

Honestly do you reckon? I feel like most men just are like this, even the nice ones :(

Of course not, if he were keen on you why would he be anything but delighted to find it reciprocated?🤷‍♀️ This is nothing to do with you playing it wrong, you either got the wrong end of the stick in the first place or maybe he just didn’t feel any chemistry when you went out.

ttcat37 · 16/03/2024 22:15

There are a lot of woman on MN who met their DH when they were really young and have been married 30 years. Take that into consideration when you read the advice you get.

As someone who didn’t settle down until mid 30s, and did the dating dance for a good 15 years +, please believe me when I say that a man who is truly into you will not be put off by one text message asking if they want to go out again. It takes more than that.

BlastedPimples · 16/03/2024 22:16

It's easy. He isn't into you. Nothing to do with what you texted, when you texted, how you texted.

Teacup19 · 16/03/2024 22:25

Sounds like he was looking for a friend, not to date anyone.

Dibbydoos · 16/03/2024 22:39

I think you had a near miss @MintAnt

He is indecisive so lucky you found out now versus years of frustration. Now go find tge one.

Good luck xxx

Apolloneuro · 16/03/2024 23:35

I understand why, but you’re way overthinking this.

There was a bit of confusion over the signals, sounds like. You thought he was romantically interested and he thought he was making a new mate.

Your pride’s a bit battered but pick yourself up, keep calm and carry on!

ForTonightGodisaDJ · 16/03/2024 23:42

Apolloneuro · 16/03/2024 23:35

I understand why, but you’re way overthinking this.

There was a bit of confusion over the signals, sounds like. You thought he was romantically interested and he thought he was making a new mate.

Your pride’s a bit battered but pick yourself up, keep calm and carry on!

I like this. Keep calm and carry on. And if not, if you're really that bothered why not ask him why he's gone cold? Better than all this ruminating on it.

Fucketyfecketyfoo · 17/03/2024 00:51

I have read through the thread and don’t think anyone has suggested he might be gay? Mystery solved!

You did nothing wrong. But neither did he? I think the idea of the chase is more about how quickly you sleep with them these days.
Be brave if it feels right for you. I know lots of men who like feisty women. They would love to be asked out!

BobbyBiscuits · 17/03/2024 00:59

It all sounds like too much hard work. You like him, you asked him on a date and he refused.
It's hardly the end of the world. Do you think he would have wanted a long term relationship with you if you had pretended you weren't interested?
Focus on people who are interested in that side of things and accept he's just a casual mate at best or don't even speak to him again.

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