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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Playing hard to get really does work, it seems :(

161 replies

MintAnt · 16/03/2024 17:19

So I got to know someone through a shared activity. Felt he was interested, he remembered everything I say, he spoke to a couple of people about me positively, he teased me, mild flirting, I saw him looking at me a few times then look away, 2 others at this activity told me he liked me.
I'd already met him around 7 times and we had each others' numbers, we started texting a lot, and at the end of the day he'd say 'talk to you tomorrow '
I'm fully aware men and women can be just good friends but I could see a difference between him and other men.
I suggested coffee one day just the two of us and he was keen, said he'd really liked talking to me and wanted to moreso.
I felt a bit shy when we met, but there were no lulls in the conversation at all, it flew really well. He didn't seem to flirt as such, but he seemed a bit nervous too.
Anyway at the end he told me it had been great and we'd definitely do it after the activity again.
I wasn't sure if I'd given just friends vibes or more, I had completely matched his energy but because I'd been a little shy maybe he thought I wasn't interested.
On the (bad) advice of friends, I texted him the next day, suggesting I'd love to go on more of a date.
He changed like night and day. Said he'd let me know, I said that was fine, and he never did.
Seen him once at the hobby but we don't text now.
Honestly feel like I gave too much away. I should've waited for him to ask me again, it's my fault. Can anyone offer advice? I am kicking myself tbh.

OP posts:
MintAnt · 16/03/2024 19:15

I guess seeing it from our point of view, let's imagine you had a crush on a guy and met him for a drink, and the next day he suggested a date. You'd be pretty made up surely? Only if you were not into him in that way would you not want to right?

OP posts:
MeinKraft · 16/03/2024 19:15

This reminds me of when I was at uni, there was a bit of a craze around the book The Rules. It actually did work for those of us who read it Confused I was beating them off with a shitty stick for a while, then I met the man who is now my DH.

savethatkitty · 16/03/2024 19:16

I think you potentially dodged a bullet. Better to find out now if he plays silly games. He was leading you on. You did nothing wrong.

MintAnt · 16/03/2024 19:16

MeinKraft · 16/03/2024 19:15

This reminds me of when I was at uni, there was a bit of a craze around the book The Rules. It actually did work for those of us who read it Confused I was beating them off with a shitty stick for a while, then I met the man who is now my DH.

Honestly I'm gonna read it. I feel like I'm gonna have to abide by it else I'll have the same issue again :(

OP posts:
saveforthat · 16/03/2024 19:17

In my (very long) experience, the playing hard to get bit only works until you have a date/coffee, call it what you will but some sort of meet up with just the two of you. There is then either a romantic spark or not. Did you actually say can we go on more of a date because that sounds a bit weird? On the other hand though if had fancied the pants off you, he would have jumped at the chance.

MintAnt · 16/03/2024 19:17

I'm not gonna show interest in a man again. I'll be friendly but nothing more. He can do all of the pursuing if he wants to date me. Sad but that's how it's going to have to be.

OP posts:
MintAnt · 16/03/2024 19:18

saveforthat · 16/03/2024 19:17

In my (very long) experience, the playing hard to get bit only works until you have a date/coffee, call it what you will but some sort of meet up with just the two of you. There is then either a romantic spark or not. Did you actually say can we go on more of a date because that sounds a bit weird? On the other hand though if had fancied the pants off you, he would have jumped at the chance.

No I didn't say can we go on a date, I just said I'd be really up for going to see the new Dune film or something with him, that was enough to send him packing 🤣

OP posts:
MintAnt · 16/03/2024 19:19

My exact text was that it'd be lovely to go see Dune or something the following week. Too much?

OP posts:
MissMarchple · 16/03/2024 19:21

I wouldn't see it so negatively.

Well done you for having the confidence to take a chance. I think thats great. Something to be proud of, not embarrassed by.

It didn't work out this time as he simply wasn't interested, for whatever reason, which is fine.

I know it's easy to say but with the right man, you won't feel like this. It will be easy and games/doubt/insecurity will go out of the window. I hope you don't lose your confidence as you really don't need to!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/03/2024 19:22

Please don't make up a rule that you want to apply to all men just because this guy had a wobble about going on a date with you. This could have been for ANY reason - maybe he has a gf or a wife, maybe he's gay and not out yet, maybe he did like you but you had food in your teeth and he got the ick, maybe something you said on the date (like you do or don't want kids or you don't like cooking) put him off? Who knows and it doesn't matter!!

Your behaviour and communication was perfect for any guy that IS interested in developing a mature relationship with you they would LOVE a woman that they fancy to ask them directly for a date.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/03/2024 19:23

MintAnt · 16/03/2024 17:26

It's been 3 weeks. Maybe I'm naive but I honestly think if I'd ignored him afterwards he'd have wanted me more

Even if that was true that would mean he was a game player rather than a genuinely interested normal man

MintAnt · 16/03/2024 19:23

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/03/2024 19:22

Please don't make up a rule that you want to apply to all men just because this guy had a wobble about going on a date with you. This could have been for ANY reason - maybe he has a gf or a wife, maybe he's gay and not out yet, maybe he did like you but you had food in your teeth and he got the ick, maybe something you said on the date (like you do or don't want kids or you don't like cooking) put him off? Who knows and it doesn't matter!!

Your behaviour and communication was perfect for any guy that IS interested in developing a mature relationship with you they would LOVE a woman that they fancy to ask them directly for a date.

That's so kind of you, thank you :) still, it has put me off :(
I just don't want to make a twat of myself again.

OP posts:
MintAnt · 16/03/2024 19:24

All this over f*ing Dune 🤣

OP posts:
MintAnt · 16/03/2024 19:25

MissMarchple · 16/03/2024 19:21

I wouldn't see it so negatively.

Well done you for having the confidence to take a chance. I think thats great. Something to be proud of, not embarrassed by.

It didn't work out this time as he simply wasn't interested, for whatever reason, which is fine.

I know it's easy to say but with the right man, you won't feel like this. It will be easy and games/doubt/insecurity will go out of the window. I hope you don't lose your confidence as you really don't need to!

That's really kind, thank you :)

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/03/2024 19:27

Op maybe he wanted Netflix and chill rather than an actual date and you showing that you have standards eg you expect decent dates put him off - ie YOU are hard to get and he's a lazy bum that can't be bothered trying

PersephonePomegranate23 · 16/03/2024 19:27

MintAnt · 16/03/2024 19:16

Honestly I'm gonna read it. I feel like I'm gonna have to abide by it else I'll have the same issue again :(

You will likely have this again. Some of the men you will date but you don't want to progress things with will also experience this...this is all part of dating, you can't really protect yourself from it.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/03/2024 19:27

MintAnt · 16/03/2024 17:56

Nevertheless, if I meet anyone else in the future I'm gonna try this 'experiment'!

I wouldn't do that, you might lose a guy who actually likes you due to playing games

Nettleskeins · 16/03/2024 19:28

I think he panicked but may still be interested.
However I would play it completely cool from now on...and see what happens over next few months
Many relationships have blossomed after very inauspicious starts.
I personally found myself to freeze up when men seemed too keen...a measured approach seemed much more real and more likely to stay the course...love bombing/normal overtures can be frightening for some people male and female.
You did nothing wrong, but that is his personality...it doesn't mean he won't regret his backing off or will kick himself over it in a few months.

MintAnt · 16/03/2024 19:28

PersephonePomegranate23 · 16/03/2024 19:27

You will likely have this again. Some of the men you will date but you don't want to progress things with will also experience this...this is all part of dating, you can't really protect yourself from it.

True, but I feel like I can protect myself in the future by simply not asking men out.

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/03/2024 19:29

Cherry8809 · 16/03/2024 18:07

I had something similar a while back, but roles reversed.

A guy I knew through a wider group suggested we grabbed a drink and watched the football (my favourite team vs his). I agreed, and we had a nice afternoon together watching the game.

A day or two later, he asked if he could take me out to dinner, on a date.

I didn’t see him that way at all, and was kicking myself hoping that he hadn’t interpreted us going for a drink previously as me showing an interest in him in any other way but a friend.

It made me a little uncomfortable, so I made my excuses and distanced myself from communicating as we had been, as I didn’t want any mixed signals. I later explained to him that I viewed him as a friend, nothing more.

Its sad that some replies on here call him a game player or a time waster, when it’s very possible that he just didn’t read the situation the same way you did.

Also, I don’t think your friends gave you “bad advice” by suggesting you message him that you’d like to see him again. It’s not an abnormal thing to say, or over the top, so try not to blame them for his apparent shift in interest.

THIS

Op have you never turned a man down before? Imagine if he started saying 'all women want is a bastard I shouldn't have been nice and kind to her' he'd sound like a right incel

MintAnt · 16/03/2024 19:29

Nettleskeins · 16/03/2024 19:28

I think he panicked but may still be interested.
However I would play it completely cool from now on...and see what happens over next few months
Many relationships have blossomed after very inauspicious starts.
I personally found myself to freeze up when men seemed too keen...a measured approach seemed much more real and more likely to stay the course...love bombing/normal overtures can be frightening for some people male and female.
You did nothing wrong, but that is his personality...it doesn't mean he won't regret his backing off or will kick himself over it in a few months.

Possibly.. I feel that I did seem too keen but how can that be so just by saying we should see a film?
I doubt he'll come back, but there will certainly not be any further interest from my side. It's put me off dating.

OP posts:
MintAnt · 16/03/2024 19:30

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/03/2024 19:29

THIS

Op have you never turned a man down before? Imagine if he started saying 'all women want is a bastard I shouldn't have been nice and kind to her' he'd sound like a right incel

Yes on a very small number of occasions I have 🤣 but it really wasn't because they asked for a date. However I just feel that it's the way that men and women are conditioned, men do the asking out and pursuing .. :(

OP posts:
PersephonePomegranate23 · 16/03/2024 19:33

MintAnt · 16/03/2024 19:28

True, but I feel like I can protect myself in the future by simply not asking men out.

What if men don't want to take the risk? What if we all avoided rejection? Nobody would ever couple up!

Fair enough you feel like this right now, while you're still smarting, but I don't think sitting on the sidelines of the school hall, waiting for someone to ask you to dance is going to help. I agree with the PP who said asking him was brave and a positive thing.

Give yourself some time to get over it - you really will get over it.

Rosiiee · 16/03/2024 19:37

I honestly think you need to stop beating yourself up. You didn’t act ‘too keen’. Too keen is FaceTiming a guy you met on hinge every morning to wake him up before you even have a first date, it’s showing up to your first date with a sleepover bag, it’s asking him to move in after a month….. all stuff that I did with my DH. But it didn’t scare him away thank god haha because he also felt a spark. What I’m saying is you can’t scare away the right one for you!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/03/2024 19:37

I've turned down men when they've asked for a date or date 2 as before that point where they've been very clear they have romantic intentions if I'd said 'btw this isn't a date' or 'btw I just see you as a friend' that would feel presumptuous and arrogant