Playing hard to get really does work, it seems :(

[MintAnt]

So I got to know someone through a shared activity. Felt he was interested, he remembered everything I say, he spoke to a couple of people about me positively, he teased me, mild flirting, I saw him looking at me a few times then look away, 2 others at this activity told me he liked me.
I'd already met him around 7 times and we had each others' numbers, we started texting a lot, and at the end of the day he'd say 'talk to you tomorrow '
I'm fully aware men and women can be just good friends but I could see a difference between him and other men.
I suggested coffee one day just the two of us and he was keen, said he'd really liked talking to me and wanted to moreso.
I felt a bit shy when we met, but there were no lulls in the conversation at all, it flew really well. He didn't seem to flirt as such, but he seemed a bit nervous too.
Anyway at the end he told me it had been great and we'd definitely do it after the activity again.
I wasn't sure if I'd given just friends vibes or more, I had completely matched his energy but because I'd been a little shy maybe he thought I wasn't interested.
On the (bad) advice of friends, I texted him the next day, suggesting I'd love to go on more of a date.
He changed like night and day. Said he'd let me know, I said that was fine, and he never did.
Seen him once at the hobby but we don't text now.
Honestly feel like I gave too much away. I should've waited for him to ask me again, it's my fault. Can anyone offer advice? I am kicking myself tbh.

Nevertheless, if I meet anyone else in the future I'm gonna try this 'experiment'!

@AllPrincessAnneshorses

To anyone with a modicum of emotional intelligence, it's obvious. Of course it's fine for him not to like the OP in 'that' way. However to make her feel silly and awkward, with radio silence, is not okay.
All he had to do is reply with 'It was good seeing you today, but I didn't feel any romantic connection. Happy to stay friends though.'
Or words to that effect.

Communication is everything.

Sorry I can see this is upsetting for you but would you really want a man who expects women to wait for the man to take the lead at all times ? Second guessing who to ask for a date is not easy but he should not have been sending cutesy texts to encourage you then cut you dead - not my type !

I didn't even say 'I want to go on a date to watch Oppenheimer at 5pm next Thursday ', I just kinda put it out there that I'd be up for it, whilst leaving it to him to arrange the details as such.

It's very rude - If someone you see as a friend wants to take it further and you don't, why not just say 'Oh i've seen Oppenheimer already - see you next time at our shared activity. ' A let down is a let down though and it's always hurtful

I had something similar a while back, but roles reversed.

A guy I knew through a wider group suggested we grabbed a drink and watched the football (my favourite team vs his). I agreed, and we had a nice afternoon together watching the game.

A day or two later, he asked if he could take me out to dinner, on a date.

I didn’t see him that way at all, and was kicking myself hoping that he hadn’t interpreted us going for a drink previously as me showing an interest in him in any other way but a friend.

It made me a little uncomfortable, so I made my excuses and distanced myself from communicating as we had been, as I didn’t want any mixed signals. I later explained to him that I viewed him as a friend, nothing more.

Its sad that some replies on here call him a game player or a time waster, when it’s very possible that he just didn’t read the situation the same way you did.

Also, I don’t think your friends gave you “bad advice” by suggesting you message him that you’d like to see him again. It’s not an abnormal thing to say, or over the top, so try not to blame them for his apparent shift in interest.

I’m sorry, I don’t think it’s anything to do with how soon you text, it’s what you text. You made it clear you were looking for something more and he doesn’t think of you in that way. He should have been more straightforward about it.

Playing hard to get is the worst advice ever. If someone isn’t in to you, that’s not going to change their mind. If they’re a twat, they’ll see it as a challenge and once they’ve completed their imaginary challenge they will drop you. Not the kind of man you want to be with I imagine!

Thank you, I think you're right. I don't mind at all if he's not into me because of general lack of spark etc, that's fine.
I was just really worried that he had been, then I'd texted and he'd thought, 'woahh there, full on!'

I remember someone giving my similar 'advice' about playing hard to get when I met my DH. Turns out someone also gave him the same 'advice'. Neither of us followed it because we knew it was shit advice if you really like someone. If he's put off by it, I think, and I'm sorry, that he just doesn't like you enough.

The best way to find out is to start dating someone else from the meet up group and see if he suddenly wants you. That’s usually the way it goes.

Sadly there's nobody else there available that I'm into 🤣

I don't know- I don't think it's definitive evidence. Against the advice of friends I texted my now dh the morning after our first date and asked if he wanted to go for a coffee. It obviously worked out. I suppose in some ways it's a short cut to find out how everyone feels.

Some men do like the chase! Either that or he realised he didn’t want to pursue anything. Maybe he was seeing you and another and went for the other? That’s what I would assume.

That's good it worked out :)
I don't know what goes on in their minds. Did he think I had zero interest whatsoever in him prior to meeting up outside of the hobby the first time? Why would I want someone who is put off by someone being attracted?

But hopefully you wouldn’t want to be with someone who only wants someone who ignores them? That wouldn’t be healthy at all.

I don't even know what the chase looks like? Let's imagine I didn't text him and he ended up asking me out. Then we meet up, then I decide to ask him and he reacts the same? Or am I supposed to not ask him anything until we're established?

What I define as the chase is never make the first move, always say you’re busy when you’re not, play hard to get etc. Exhausting stuff but I really think some guys get off on it- it’s like they’re in a dominant position.

Honestly don't think I could do it, it's just not in my nature :(
I'd feel guilty if I kept saying I was busy, and they'd probably just think I wasn't interested.

What 'experiment', playing games? I wouldn't recommend it, it doesn't work. At best you'd get yourself a situationship. I agree with the PP who said if he was interested he wouldn't have been put off. Maybe you could have played it all perfectly, did all the right things. In the end, he still wouldn't have been interested. I know it's hurtful, you'll be embarrassed and upset and your ego will be bruised. Give yourself the weekend to lick your wounds, and then let it go. Seriously. Don't obsess about it.

Thank you. Well I'm gonna try and tell myself that only game players/immature men will be forevermore out off because the woman asked for a date.
Even if they were slightly put out, like you say, if they were interested surely they'd still go and see how it went? Not decide that this can never go anywhere.

You’ve just expedited the sleeping with him and him ghosting you afterwards. So consider this a positive.

My ex who I left but still friends with has gone very quiet the last few days. It hasn't made me think I made a mistake and made me want to be with him again, it's just made me worry if he's ok.
When I think of the men who I wasn't into in the past, likely because I wasn't attracted, when they went distant I didn't start crushing on them, I just missed their friendship.

I can't imagine wanting to be with a man that that I had to treat carefully and reel in gently like some sort of fish. If he's not honest, open and enthusiastic he doesn't deserve your time. I know it's dispiriting, but you really deserve someone who doesn't want to play games. Just think, all that energy could go into enjoying your time together and mutually discovering whether you're long term comparable.

I don’t think it’s an experiment. Some men really like feeling in control. There was a post here a few weeks ago about a woman whose husband said it wasn’t attractive when she initiated intimacy. I think that’s the kind of guy who likes to ‘lead’/be in charge and hence might enjoy ‘chasing’. It’s not for me but I’m not surprised there’s guys like that out there.

Possibly! I'll try to tell myself :)