To be disgusted at what my DH has said.

[Sweetcherrypiee]

My DH has very sadly just lost his DB after a long illness. His DBs wife has early onset dementia (mid 50s). They were together since they were 18 and my DH has known her since then.

Yesterday we went out for a meal to discuss things as a family. DH refused to have her there and his words were ‘she’s not my responsibility’. He has basically wiped his hands of her now his DB has passed away and has basically said after the funeral he won’t be there to support her going forward. I feel disgusted with his attitude towards her. They never had any issues or have argued. I know he is grieving but she has also just lost him and with having dementia needs extra support.

His DB would be so sad at this attitude also.

Her family is strangely missing in all this indignation. Surely, they should be the first to help. It's also not clear what kind of support you're wanting your husband to offer. Presumably, he's working and has commitments to his own family that you also would expect him to honour. Time and energy is finite.

The brother should have made arrangements for his wife's future needs.

There is a difference between having the widow at a family meal, to discuss things - to looking after the widow long term.

Why did dh refuse to have his sister in law at a family meal? Seems very harsh, she has been within the family for over 30 years. Did your dp dislike his SIL?

At what point has it been raised that your dp should be looking after his brothers widow?

Why on earth would he be the one to care for his sister-in-law?

Honestly…I’m not sure I disagree with him. He’s just lost his brother and then the thought of essentially having to take on full time care for his brothers wife is a bit much. I assume you’re more than willing to see less and less of DH if he had to care for her or potentially allow her to live with you?

He sounds absolutely contemptible to be perfectly honest with you.

Well there are two things here. He doesn’t want to be involved in her care. Okay he doesn’t gave to be. He doesn’t want her at a family dinner after the death of her husband. That’s shit.

Seen this in extended family. There isn't much anyone can do if someone says point blank that they won't step up and at least be a bit involved in sorting out problems. It's when things like this happen you really find out who is what. In our case, we found that in the end there is no point trying to find out why, it wastes your time and emotions and makes no difference.

She’s not his responsibility at all. I don’t see that he’s done anything wrong except set out clear boundaries from the word go.

Looking after someone with dementia is all consuming, I definitely wouldn’t look after any BIL or SIL of mine if I were in your DH situation.

Thinking of the beginning of your post, it's pretty awful he would cut her out of a family dinner. Having her to dinner does t mean taking responsibility for her.

He’s just lost his brother and then the thought of essentially having to take on full time care for his brothers wife is a bit much.

Where has OP mentioned the idea of him/ them taking full-time care of DSIL? She hasn't. There is a vast range of support one can offer between full-time care and occasionally taking a woman who's just lost her lifelong partner out to dinner. Honestly, I despair.

There is a vast difference between your wife and your brothers wife.

Comparing them both isn't reasonable or relevant.

Horses for courses. I'm 64. My husband's brother and his wife have known me since I was 24. They're not family for me. If and when my husband dies I don't expect or want any contact with them. And I've no doubt at all they'd be horrified by the idea of keeping up contact with me.

Is there? My dad supported my mum's mother come to live with them when she was widowed. She died a few years later. And down the line my mum had my dad's father come to live with them when he was widowed for several years. I think some families do family and clearly others don't.

I think people are either the sort who care or not. And if OP's DH doesn't care for a woman his brother loved and lived with for 35+ years I'm not sure it bodes well for OP, if she needs to rely on him to look after her.

As I said it is reaching, most family's don't take responsibility for inlaws, just because yours have.

It has nothing to do with if the husband will care for OP, if you notice marriage vows don't mention extended family.

Really reaching post.

There's also a difference between your partner's parents and your brother's wife.

The more I think about this the more I agree with this. Unless they've shared a hobby without DB, he was the only connection.

Yeah that's true but he could have worded it without sounding like a heartless cunt.

Yeah I agree with this too. DHs brother and his wife to be are absolute walkers and if DH goes before me I won't be making any more effort than I already do now.

Oh FGS 🙄 He doesn't have to be the SIL's primary carer, but he is literally discarding her like yesterdays trash and saying he doesn't want to know her anymore, she can't come to family meals etc, (seemingly because she's got Alzheimers,) and he basically CBA with her. He has wiped his hands of her, and will give ZERO support after her funeral.

He is inconsiderate, selfish, and rude, and I can't believe anyone would say or think anything different. I can't believe people are minimising this man's vile behaviour. I'd be getting my ducks in a row if I were the OP, because it sounds like he won't be fucked with her if she gets really ill.

And never mind the 'sister in law is different to wife' comments . The way he is behaving is grim and nasty and utterly unacceptable, and speaks volumes about him.

How can you extrapolate that from the fact he doesn't want to look after his SIL?

How bad is her dementia? How come none of the rest of them told him to wind his neck in of course she had to be at her husband's wake? Or what sort of meal out to discuss things was it?

@tacosforbreakfast

How can you extrapolate that from the fact he doesn't want to look after his SIL?

Is that a serious question?

READ the OP's posts! Of course he doesn't want to look after her! He doesn't want to know her. He said after the brother's funeral he is washing his hands of her. How do you extrapolate that he DOES want to look after her (from the OP's posts?!)

@SabreIsMyFave all of that you extrapolated - how can you extrapolate that from the fact he doesn't want to look after his SIL?

If my brother died tomorrow, I doubt I'd see his wife again. Why would I be responsible for taking care of her?

I give up!

The dinner part is really confusing.
'We' as a family... who's we? DH family?
Why is it DH decision to include SIL or not, and not, idk DH dad or whatever?
What 'things' need discussing?
Obviously SIL shouldn't be there if the discussion is ABOUT her but if it was. Why is OP implying she should have been invited?
Am I being thick?

@SabreIsMyFave you said

He is inconsiderate, selfish, and rude, and I can't believe anyone would say or think anything different. I can't believe people are minimising this man's vile behaviour. I'd be getting my ducks in a row if I were the OP, because it sounds like he won't be fucked with her if she gets really ill.

How can you extrapolate that from the fact that he doesn't want to look after his SIL?

I wouldn't see my SIL again if my brother died and there is no way even if I was capable I'd be taking any responsibility for her care. A partner (or indeed, a partner's parent) is completely different.