To be disgusted at what my DH has said.

[Sweetcherrypiee]

My DH has very sadly just lost his DB after a long illness. His DBs wife has early onset dementia (mid 50s). They were together since they were 18 and my DH has known her since then.

Yesterday we went out for a meal to discuss things as a family. DH refused to have her there and his words were ‘she’s not my responsibility’. He has basically wiped his hands of her now his DB has passed away and has basically said after the funeral he won’t be there to support her going forward. I feel disgusted with his attitude towards her. They never had any issues or have argued. I know he is grieving but she has also just lost him and with having dementia needs extra support.

His DB would be so sad at this attitude also.

That's what I don't understand either but the Op hasn't returned so we don't know.

poor sod

just lost his brother

and his wife is starting mumsnet threads about how horrified and appalled she is by him

Have I missed updates under a different username? Genuinely wondering this. People keep asking this but op doesn't talk about caring for her in the op. There's a big difference between having a relationship and offering support then being the main carer.

That's what I took from support her going forward. I took that to mean helping her with organisation of her life, helping her to decide what to do, where to live, possibly provide practical help and caring if required.

But the OP hasn't come back so you are right we have no idea what is meant.

Honestly, what is wrong with people. Did OP say she expects her DH to physically care for the SIL. As other posters have pointed out, supporting someone can mean lots of different things e.g., calling to see if they are ok, inviting them over for family events. I agree with you OP, I would be disgusted with his comments grief or not. Grief doesn’t give you the validation to be nasty.

Then that suggests you don't love any of your family a whole lot. I wouldn't want my dbs wife to suffer partly out of love for my brother.

I wouldn't take on my DB's wife. I'm autistic and the number of people I can tolerate in my space is small, and she's not one of them.

But the OP isn't coming back to give context so who knows at this point.

Hi everyone. Thanks for all your replies, I am reading through them.

I would not expect her to take on her care but they had no children and she doesn’t have really any other next of kin. He basically said he will no longer make contact or see her after the funeral. I’m just worried about her

No reason you can’t see her and support her.

What plans did your brother in law have in place for after his death?

Before his death, his DB was more worried about what would happen to her and how she’d cope than himself, bless him.

What plans did your brother in law put in place for her care?

So then why did he not put plans in place if he was so worried?

Ok so what plans did he put in place?

I honestly think it depends what level of support she needs due to her dementia. If it’s low level such as help with navigating finances/ bills, remembering appointments/ getting to them and help accessing support via social services etc, then I think your husband is being unreasonable. If she requires a lot of support eg with personal care, cooking meals and being safe in the home etc then your husband is not being unreasonable. Caring for someone with dementia, especially when they reach the advanced stages is extremely difficult and challenging. The only people who know exactly how bad it gets are people who have done it themselves. So ignore any comments from people who haven’t lived it. I’ve seen so many families reach absolute crisis point with this that I can’t even confidently say that I would do it for my dp.

Regardless of how she is now, her dementia is only going to get worse and her care needs are only going to increase.

If he sets himself up for doing it now, he's going to be put under pressure by SS and similar to carry on. And, indeed, increase as her needs increase.

she doesn’t have really any other next of kin

Well then one can understand how your DH might be concerned this will get landed on him and he's being clear and drawing his own boundaries now. Yours are ofc up to you, but as the brother was so concerned for his wife's care and knew she had no next of kin, he must surely have made plans for her that mean it's not yours or your DH responsibility?

So is there any reason why you or the rest of the family can't have contact/see her on your own?

I’m just worried about her

But if the DB was so worried about her and you’re so worried about her why aren’t there care plans already in place? This makes no sense. Her dementia is only going to get worse and worse, why did no one consider this beforehand? It seems a bit contradictory to say that everyone was/is worried about her yet no one thought to arrange care for after he died- what did they think would happen, the care fairies would magically appear? There is something very off about this scenario. My friend is fit and well but has a disabled child and she is already sorting out plans just in case something were to happen to her.

This is what I’d like to know. Can you not just bypass him?

Two things

1. OP doesn't say that they were close. Merely, that they got on. Some families go on family holidays etc, speak regularly, others only see each other a couple of times a year. If the DH only saw her in the latter context, and never even had an individual conversation with her, I can see why he doesn't want to be responsible for checking in. OP should provide more detail on this.

2. Sorry to hear about your mother. But you're quite lucky that several people stepped in. It's more manageable that way. Unfortunately, it's much harder if you're the sole person.
   The defunding of SS is such that they try to dump as much responsibility as possible onto the NOK. If the DH is the only person keeping in regular contact it's probably going to be him! I can see why he doesn't want it.
   You don't have to become a '24/7 carer' but even 'ensuring adequate care' is a lot of work.

These things just end up snowballing.

You don't expect your husband to take care of her but that is exactly what will happen.

Is there anything stopping you making contact or seeing her?

You and your BIL being so worried about her and yet no plans have been put in place for her, all lip service.

Since ops response to ‘what care did her husband put in place’ was ‘bless him he was so worried about her. More than he was for himself’, I am going to stick with my first thought.

The husband here is stepping right back because other people, including Op, are assuming he will be the one to step in and take care of her and he doesn’t want to. So he is stepping right back.

There’s clearly huge bits left out. It appears Op wanted everyone to agree how awful her husband is. But why? Maybe to try and shame him into doing what she think he should.

All very weird.

Especially the family discussion!
I mean usually it's the other way around someone is trying to dump unpaid caring onto the female OP.
But it looks like, here, it's the DH?
Or, in the 'family meeting' the buck was being passed around.. OP's husband said no. And she thinks that's cruel.

So much missing information.

Before his death, his DB was more worried about what would happen to her and how she’d cope than himself, bless him

Well, he cant have been that bothered about it since you wont answer what care has actually been put in place so I am going to agree with this:

The husband here is stepping right back because other people, including Op, are assuming he will be the one to step in and take care of her and he doesn’t want to. So he is stepping right back

There’s clearly huge bits left out. It appears Op wanted everyone to agree how awful her husband is. But why? Maybe to try and shame him into doing what she think he should

Its making much more sense now.

I’m wondering if he’s harbouring some resentment toward her for surviving his brother/his brother being worn out from caring for her?

It does seem callous but she’s not his responsibility either. Social services need to be made aware that she’s alone.